Losing control
Can we really control anything? Sometimes I wonder about that, wonder, how much of our lives is really wrapped into the music of Ainur, music of Eru. I started out believing, as, I suppose, the young usually do, that the world is mine, and the future too.
Later, little by little, I started to lose that certainty, that feeling that I could do whatever I wanted. Still, I kept the belief that I could control what happened to me, to all of us. I thought I just lost small things, ones that were not essential. Possessions. Home. Stability. I thought it did not matter, as long as I could keep my dear ones safe. This belief survived Helcaraxe, survived Elenwe’s death.
It was later that helplessness began to overwhelm me. The strongest was, I think, when I realized I wouldn’t be able to free Maitimo. After… after that few things were as painful. My father’s death, perhaps - but it lacked this helplessness, this feeling that I should be able to do something and can’t. I realized that the destiny was winning the battle, but I still could fight it.
I remember when I lost that battle. I remember dying.
Later, little by little, I started to lose that certainty, that feeling that I could do whatever I wanted. Still, I kept the belief that I could control what happened to me, to all of us. I thought I just lost small things, ones that were not essential. Possessions. Home. Stability. I thought it did not matter, as long as I could keep my dear ones safe. This belief survived Helcaraxe, survived Elenwe’s death.
It was later that helplessness began to overwhelm me. The strongest was, I think, when I realized I wouldn’t be able to free Maitimo. After… after that few things were as painful. My father’s death, perhaps - but it lacked this helplessness, this feeling that I should be able to do something and can’t. I realized that the destiny was winning the battle, but I still could fight it.
I remember when I lost that battle. I remember dying.