fic: with the mouth of a goat, part 2
Title: with the mouth of a goat
Author:
Rating: PG-13 Genre: gen; strong Dean/Cas vibes, but it's intended gen.
Characters: Dean, Cas, Sam
Spoilers: spoilers through 7.23
Warnings: old!Dean, old!Cas, human!Cas; minor self-harm; hurt/comfort; angst;
Word Count: 10500 total
Teaser: sequel to remember, who we are. A little time has passed and Sam had some time to figure out Dean. After a little breakfast date, Sam gets an idea on what to do with the two men who are to old and weak for hunting.
Disclaimer: I own their grey streaks and wrinkles, but nothing more!
( back to part 1 )
For some reason unknown to all of them, they ended up in an old house in Sioux Falls. It was at the outskirts of town, just far enough from other people for Dean to be comfortable. Sam briefly wondered why Dean couldn't feel more safe around humans than he did around dark, possibly haunted woods - but Sam knew that too many monsters wore human faces. The not human-looking were just so much easier to spot.
Sheriff Jody Mills commented on their arrival in her town that she didn't know if she should feel safer or endangered by having hunters in town again. But she welcomed them warmly anyway. Dean acted distant, but at least he wasn't as tense as he could have been with Jody standing on their new porch. That was, until Jody tried to hug him. Sam barely managed avoid the next panic attack by intercepting the hug and guiding her away from the house as fast as possible, explaining quietly that Dean needed some room. Jody had the decency not to ask about anything.
Dean eyed the salt lines and devils traps suspiciously that Sam placed all over the house.
"You really think that'll hold of the fuckers?"
"Some of them, yeah." Sam replied. Dean obviously remembered how those safety precautions worked, but he didn't look like he was content with them.
Dean took the spray Sam used for the devils trap and started to draw new symbols in front of the door. Cas watched with an expression that Sam could only describe as proud. The symbols where enochian, of course, and the whole trap looked much more complex than any trap Sam had ever seen before. Sam's devils trap looked like children's finger paint in comparison.
"You need help?" Sam asked, crouching down next to Dean with a new bottle of spray in his hand. Dean was moving slowly and with obvious difficulty, but he was determined and ignored the pain in his old, weak bones. Dean hesitated for a moment and looked at Sam considering. Probably guessing if Sam would only mess up his work.
"Okay, okay." he says finally. "You finish the…" Dean hesitated, searching for the right word.
"Pentagram?" Sam guessed from the straight lines Dean had started drawing.
"Heptagram." Cas supplied.
"Yeah, that." Dean said and started drawing again.
Sam silently got to work, raising questioning brows at Dean from time to time to check if he was doing it right. Dean just nodded and continued to work. Castiel went somewhere different, working on other protection runes. Sam just hoped he didn't use his blood for it. Cas wasn't strong enough for that right now.
Sam had never worked that long on a trap. It was really complex. There was a heptagram in another heptagram in a circle with layers and layers of runes between and around the straight lines. They would need carpets, Sam thought. Big ones. A lot of them.
"And this will work against?" he asked.
"Almost anything." Dean replied. "It has three wards that need to get broken before the whole trap fails. As fuck-proof as I know."
Dean gauged the trap for a moment before he nodded satisfied and tried to stand up. And immediately fell on his ass.
"Jesus, Dean." Sam said a little exasperated and helped Dean up.
"Uh… thanks." Dean just said. It wasn't that Dean was being his usual hard head about things… Dean just forgot his own weakness for a moment. Getting up from the floor was more difficult than standing up from a chair.
"Where's Cas?" Dean asked suddenly, a slight hint of panic in his voice.
"Calm down, he's somewhere in the house." Sam said reassuringly. Of course, the walls between them breaking line of sight would be another thing to make Dean freak. Give it a few days to get used to that, Sam guessed. Dean let go of him and went off to search for Cas a little to fast for Sam's taste. Sam just hoped Dean wouldn't trip. Dean called out Cas' name, followed by the familiar sound of enochian.
Maybe, if they kept this up, he might be able to learn enochian after all, just from guessing what they were saying.
Cas called back from somewhere upstairs. Despite being reassured that Cas hadn't ended up as monster chew toy in the brief time he wasn't on Dean's side, Dean still hurried to get to Cas. Sam followed, just in case.
As it turned out, it was the right decision to follow Dean up. Cas was sitting on a window still, pressing a cloth to his bleeding arm, looking really gray in his face. He swayed a little where he was sitting, nearly doubling over, and his eyelids where trying to drop without his consent.
Sam opened his mouth to tell Cas what an idiot he was, but he was cut of by Dean who bolted over to Cas' side and threw very loud, very harsh sounding enochian words at his friend. Sam went in search for their emergency kit and returned with it as fast as he could.
Dean was still yelling at Cas when he came back. But when Sam dropped next to them with the emergency kit, Dean was immediately silent and helped Sam efficiently with tending Cas.
"The sigils need to be drawn in angel blood." Cas explained weakly. "I thought I could give more."
"I know." Dean replied softly. He tenderly stroked through Cas' grayish bangs with a worried frown. "But you should have warned me."
It wasn't like Dean to calm down that fast, but a lot about him wasn't like Dean these days. Sam was weirdly delighted that Dean got loud at all, just because it was something young Dean would have done. Most of times when Dean panicked, he just closed down and didn't let anyone besides Cas near, going into a protective stance, ready to lash out at anything only remotely threatening. Sam didn't dare to get near when Dean was like that, leaving it to Cas to calm Dean down. Cas was much better at it than him anyway. Hearing Sam's english usually made Dean only panic more.
"We need to be careful about your blood here. We'll milk more for sigils tomorrow, but not more than you can give, okay?" Dean said gently, in a tone of voice tender enough to calm down babies. But the wrongness of the words shrilled loudly in Sam's brain.
"Dean, we can't take any blood from him, he's to weak!" Sam exclaimed in shock. "We can go a while without angel-blood sigils!"
"I'd use my own blood if it helped." Dean replied sharply. "But I'm no angel."
Sam didn't really know what to say. This was just to extreme. Dean's eyes narrowed at Sam's shocked expression.
"I'd never risk Cas' life. But it has to be done." he hissed through his teeth.
And Cas, the stupid angel, would do anything to make Dean feel safe.
"Dean." Sam finally said with the most authority he could muster. "I've managed to keep you both safe so far, right?"
"Yeah."
"And I didn't draw angel blood sigils, right?"
"Yeah…" came more hesitantly. Dean looked like he didn't even think about that.
"And I'll tell you something Dean, and I'm not going to argue this point. No one, except maybe me, is going to bleed in this house. And if this means I have to tie you both down on your bed to keep you from doing it. Am I clear?"
Dean was silent.
"Am I clear?" Sam repeated, dead serious.
"We don't need them?" Dean asked weakly.
"No, we don't." Sam replied matter-of-factly. Dean remained silent for a moment, searching Cas' eyes for reassurance.
"Good." Dean finally said, relieved, and his shoulders slumped as all the built up tension suddenly left his body. Dean still stared at Cas. Cas held his gaze, as always. They both looked so sorry. And yeah, it was out of question that Dean had really wanted to do it at any minute. It was just… Sam didn't even want to know what kind of hard choices they had to take in purgatory. What mare Dean - we're going to find another way Dean - just go with something he so not wanted to do.
Dean took Cas hand, squeezed it and murmured softly in enochian. Cas sighed and averted his gaze, staring irritated at the ceiling.
"What?" Sam inquired.
"Cas thinks it's necessary." Dean replied weakly. He was worried about his friend.
"He wouldn't have done it if he wasn't sure." Dean added, doubt filling his voice again.
"Why?" Sam asked, a bad suspicion slowly forming in him.
"Cas stirred up a lot of shit before we left. They might still be after him."
And Sam understood. Saw it in those blue eyes that still refused to look at them. Cas was troubled. He also had issues. He just managed to hide them better. Plus, he still didn't have the bone carve. Didn't need it as angel. Other Angels might still be out for him. Crowley was still after him. And Crowley was much more resourceful that the average stunt demon. And who knew about the remaining Leviathans that still plotted somewhere in the dark.
"I'll make some hexbags for him. I know they're not as strong as angel magic, but they will work for now."
Dean said something to Cas again. Sam guessed he was making sure Cas would go with that plan. Cas nodded weakly at him, but the angel didn't seem convinced.
"Cas, no blood donations. I mean it." Sam repeated sternly. Cas finally met his gaze and nodded again weakly.
"Okay." Sam said in a way to end this discussion. He pushed Dean carefully to the side to pick Cas up and carry him to his bed. There was no way Cas would run around the house anytime soon. Dean followed and sat down on the bed next to Cas.
"Dean, on a word." Sam said, moving out of the room. Dean hesitated, his gaze flicking between Sam and Cas.
"Just a minute." Sam added more softly. Dean finally nodded. He squeezed Cas shoulder with a last compassionate glance and followed Sam out. Sam closed the door behind them.
"How's Cas holding up?" Sam asked. Dean sighed.
"He'll life, I guess."
"Dean, you know what I'm talking about."
Dean was silent for a moment and leaned against the wall.
"He's having a hard time." Dean finally admitted. "With loosing his mojo 'n all. An', you know, everything…"
Sam frowned. "That's what I feared. Dean, why didn't you tell me?"
Dean shrugged. "What could you do?"
"I don't know." Sam said. "But, Dean, I'm taking care of you both! I gotta now about such things. I'm worried."
Dean didn't reply to that and there was a short pause in their conversation.
"How did he loose his mojo anyway?" Sam asked. Dean got a pained expression.
"'s got to do with getting me out of purgatory. It would have been much easier for him to leave without me, but he didn't. Don't really know how to explain what he did…" Dean trailed off, letting the can't explain it in english hang in the air unvoiced.
"It's okay, Dean. You make sure he's getting okay?" Sam asked.
"Sure." Dean replied with a determined nod. "He doesn't regret it, you know. Just has a hard time dealing with things. But I keep telling him he's not useless!"
"Okay, that's good." Sam replied. "Thanks, Dean."
Dean looked irritated. "For what?"
"Well… looking out for him. I wouldn't know what to tell him."
Dean let out an amused snort. And yeah, it was a kinda stupid thing to say to Dean.
"Now get in there and make him feel better." Sam ordered.
"Aye, sir." Dean teased and moved off the wall. Dean hesitated before he opened the door.
"I'll make sure he doesn't shed another drop."
"Good."
Sam was more than satisfied. Cas couldn't find a more devoted babysitter than Dean. Dean immediately plastered himself to Cas' side and didn't look like he would move from there any time soon.
Before he continued proofing the house, Sam brought Cas some orange juice and sausages he got from a green store. They even looked more healthy than the average sausage. Sam knew he might be paranoid, but he had a reason to pick green food and he wouldn't stop on the assumption that killing Dick cleared all the stores in an instant. It was better food anyway. And Dean wasn't even bitching about it. Not anymore, since… well.
When Sam came up a few hours later to announce dinner, both were asleep, Dean still propped up against the headboard in a way that couldn't be comfortable and Cas curled up close to him. Sam hesitated, but woke them anyway. They needed food. Especially Cas after his blood loss. But Sam allowed them to eat in the bed and brought everything up for them to eat together.
/-/
Sam made a trip to the book store the next day in search for something to read for Dean. He took two of those chick-flicky sex-stuffed romance novels, because hey, they were for Dean. Dean might claim to be a no chick-flick kinda guy, but Sam knew him a lot better than that. Hey, the guy used to watch Dr. Sexy. Plus, those kind of novels where stuffed with porn. Very kinky, disturbing porn. Perfect for Dean.
Sam stopped when he saw a book with the title the ghostfacers, volume one: bloody mary. Sam slowly took the book out of the shelve and looked at the cover. Huh. Now those guys even got published. Sam took the book, it might be funny, and besides Dean would get a rerun on ghost ganking. Those guys might be idiots, but at least they knew the drill.
Sam hesitated for another moment in front of the mystery shelve and decided against buying anything with monsters. He wasn't sure if the books could trigger anything, but he didn't want to take the chance. Besides, he also didn't want his brother to confuse real world knowledge, purgatory knowledge and weird stuff written in books.
Sam took a few other books from various genres, always careful that they might not contain torture or any other triggery stuff. Sam wanted Dean to have something light, funny and entertaining. Their life was hard enough.
/-/
Sam brought the books up to Cas' room. The room doubled as Dean's room since the two really were inseparable these days. Dean was sitting at the window and glancing out, while Cas rolled around on the bed lazily. The angel might be weak, but that didn't hinder him from becoming bored. And bored Cas wasn't something easy to handle, Sam had come to know in the last weeks. Good thing Dean kept him occupied most of the time. Dean was still keeping watch from time to time, especially when Sam was out. But he wasn't fanatic about it anymore. Sam decided he needed to get a tv for them.
Cas immediately grabbed one of the books out of the pile Sam dropped on the bed. Of course he grabbed the one with the pink cover.
"I don't think you want to read that one." Sam smiled. Cas turned the pages curiously.
"I didn't have the opportunity to read this kind of literature before." Cas explained.
Dean grinned. "That's not literature. And Sammy, just let him pick what he wants."
Sam's lips quirked. "You deal with his questions."
Dean strode over and flopped down on the bed next to the pile and Cas.
"Why did you get those?" he asked.
"I thought you might want to practice a little." Sam shrugged. Dean looked at him with a calculating expression, then at the books.
"Okay." He took one at random and slowly deciphered the words on the back cover. Sam was just about to leave the room when Cas spoke up, frowning at his book in concentration.
"Why would Mindy not tell her best friend that she has romantic interest in him?"
"Just read the book." Sam suggested.
"It does state some reasons, but I don't understand them." Cas stated, his voice sa serious as if he was talking about the big secrets of existence.
"Sam, what have you done?" Dean sighed.
"You deal with his questions." Sam grinned and left the room.
When Sam passed the open door a little while later, he spotted Dean and Cas both propped up against the headboard next to each other, hunching over the pink book with their heads close, discussing quietly in their preferred language. They reminded Sam of two BFF high-school girls sharing their secrets and spinning theories. Sam grinned to himself. With Dean's tempo, they couldn't have gotten far, but Cas' help might be good. Plus, the reading exercise would hopefully tone up Dean's vocabulary a bit. Sam was pleasantly surprised that Cas also started reading the books. Maybe this wasn't a bad idea at all. They were only books, but they would make them think about the more normal aspects of life. Even when their life was as far form normal as it could be, Sam wanted them to at least get a grip on the concept.
When Sam passed the door a longer while later, Cas had passed out on Dean's shoulder while Dean was still reading the pink book. The happy part of Sam grinned at them while sad part reminded him that Cas needed Dean's closeness just as much as Dean needed Cas.
/-/
Dean's reading skills picked up fast. He really just had to remember. It was probably like riding a bike - something you would never fully forget. By the end of the week, Dean was digging into Bobby's old books, eager to remember anything that could be useful. Sam wasn't surprised, he knew his brother was smart. The main reason Sam was the researcher of their team was that Dean was just lazy.
Sam was concerned at first that anything related to monsters could possibly trigger horrific memories. But Dean never showed a sign. Sam wasn't sure if he should believe his brother was stronger than he gave him credit for or if purgatory had numbed him so much nothing simple like a book could faze him. Dean was full of contradictions, speaking calmly about the weirdest shit Sam could imagine while still jumping at the tiniest strange sound.
"Sam, I need those sticky little shit pages you love so much." Dean suddenly said. He was sitting on the sofa in what had become their study, an old tome on his lap.
"Okay." Sam said surprised. He retrieved the sticky notes from the pile of thing's that was Sam's research equipment and handed them to Dean. Part of his brain asked in exasperation why the hell Dean remembered all the vocabulary of his potty mouth just perfectly while still stumbling over the simplest things. Dean made some small, unreadable symbols on the sticky notes and stuck them to the page of the old tome. Sam winced inwardly. You couldn't just put sticky notes into an old book. That's just something you just couldn't do!
"What's that for?" he asked anyway.
"Book 's full of shit. I'm just making notes in case you need it some day."
"Well, Dean, that's clever, but I can't read your notes." Sam replied patiently. Dean hesitated and glanced down at his notes.
"Oh, yeah, right." he replied, removed the sticky note again and made a new one, written in english. He wrote notably slower than before, sometimes hesitating on a word.
"Uhm, why don't you just write it on paper and lay the sheet between the pages?" Sam asked, still uncomfortable with the way Dean was treating ancient knowledge.
"Don't be a sissy, princess. Book 's full of shit anyway." Dean replied.
Sam sighed, giving up on this one.
"How come you even learned writing in enochian?" Sam asked curiously instead.
Dean shrugged. "We had lots of time, sand and some sticks."
That's the first hint Sam got that they might not have been haunted every singe second in purgatory. That relieved him greatly.
"Dean, you know things worked differently down there?" Sam asked carefully. "You said so yourself."
"I know." Dean answered, not taking his eyes off the book. "But you heard Cas. Things that worked there have to work here. And… I don't remember all tricks, but I know about monsters. I've seen them, how they really are. And Cas taught me a lot."
Sam nodded his understanding.
"I'm starting to see patterns, you know?" Dean explained. "I'm just writing down the things I'm sure about."
"Okay, that's good." Sam said. "May I?" he asked and reached for the book. Dean nodded and passed it over. Sam looked at the notes and compared them to the book. It were a lot of little things, sometimes additional background explanations, some times lines like bullshit, you gotta make swiss cheese outta it with silver bullets and then chop that fuck's head off.
"Dean, that's great!" Sam said astonished. Sure, it wasn't like Dean's little notes would cause a revolution in all the hunting techniques… but Sam was more sure than ever that getting Dean as research backup would help a lot of hunters a great deal.
Sam passed the book back to Dean.
"You know, this stuff could help a lot more people than just me." Sam said.
"I know." Dean said, turning his attention back to his work with no clear intention of talking about this any more.
/-/
A few days later, Steve called.
"Hey, I'm Steve. Garth told me it's okay to call you if I need help on research."
"Yeah, that's cool." Sam replied instantly. "What do you need?"
Steve told him a tale about a supposedly ghost town coupled with demon omens coupled with sighting of a friggin' unicorn. That was clearly not the average hunt.
"Okay, we'll look into it, I'll call you back as soon as I know something." Sam said.
"Thank you." Steve replied. "I'll call if I find anything more."
They hung up. Sam was really glad about the case. He was slowly getting bored. Dean and Cas were getting more and more independent, so he really had not much to do besides getting money, cooking and monitoring any activity on the news that could be caused by demons or the remaining Leviathans. So far, there had been nothing that made him jump. Besides, this was great for his plan.
"Dean, Steve called with a question. He's the hunting buddy of Garth." Sam announced, deliberately not calling it a case. He filled them both in and they started digging in and spinning theories almost immediately. The two dove into it even more enthusiastically than Sam had expected. Dean might have always been suspicious of other hunters, now more than ever, but he had never been someone to turn down anyone in need of help. Besides, he didn't even have to met Steve face to face.
It didn't took long and the two where in a deep discussion. They included Sam in the discussion at first, but Dean got excited and slipped into enochian without even noticing it, Cas following soon after. Sam didn't mind, this time. With a small smile on his lips, he glanced at the two while they were talking animatedly and gesturing wildly. Sam could see what Dean meant when he claimed he rubbed off on Cas, as Cas was getting just as loud and impatient as Dean while he was trying to get his points across. Without even understanding the words, Sam was able to see that they were in one of those discussions that changed direction with almost every sentence. Thinking of loud… Sam hadn't seen Dean talking this loud a long time, except for the yelling a few days before. But that didn't really count. This must really do Dean some good.
Sam listened for a moment longer, trying to grab some words out of the flood to identify them. But he gave up after a short time. So far, he didn't even manage to identify yes and no. Sam was just not able to make out common words. The only thing that he could make out was a "Cas" or a "Dean" somewhere between the lines. Instead, he started working on his own angles for the case. They compared notes later, and Sam learned a great deal by all those little points the two had snatched up. As it turned out, the demon omens were no demon omens.
When they finally had a theory, Sam handed the phone to Dean.
"You call him, I think you could explain it best." Sam said deliberately nonchalantly. His real intent was to get Dean hooked up with the other hunters.
Dean took the phone and relayed their info to Steve, who thanked him warmly. Dean seemed perplexed as he hung up, and Sam couldn't hide a little smile of accomplishment. He took the phone from Dean and typed in a little text.
We're glad when we're able to help. Spread the word.
The reply was sure thing.
Sam grinned to himself. Mission accomplished. Dean might not know it, but he was already on the best way to fill out Bobby's footsteps.
Both Dean and Cas where downright cheerful when they gathered later for dinner. It obviously did them some good to be able to do something useful again.
"So, wasn't that bad to have something to do again, right?" Sam asked.
Dean and Cas shared a smile with each other.
"Well, yeah, when there's one thing I like it's when monster's get ganked." Dean said with a smirk. Cas nodded solemnly.
"Yeah." Sam said. "You know, you two should keep doing this. You're really good."
"You keep saying that." Dean replied frowning.
"It's true." Sam said and shrugged.
Cas tilted his head, looking thoughtfully at nobody in particular as he spoke.
"It might be the right course of action for us."
"You wanna elaborate?" Dean asked. Cas raised his eyes to set on Dean's.
"We will not be able to hunt like you used to." Castiel deadpanned.
"That's bullshit. I know I've got wrinkles and lots of gray hair, but we'll managed to pull through. We always have."
"Because we had to." Cas replied gravely. "And it had come at great cost."
Dean just stared blankly for a moment, and Cas stared back. Sam had the urge to smack his brother on his fool head. Did Dean really think he just could keep going? That he had to keep going?
Needless to say, it had completely killed the mood. Sam suddenly wasn't so motivated anymore to bribe Dean with pie for dessert.
Something slowly changed in Dean's expression. His frown deepened, his eyes narrowed and his lips pressed together. If Sam didn't know better, he would say his brother was about to cry. But… did he know his brother better? Wasn't something like this long overdue? There had been a reason Sam had been awed by Dean's calmness.
Dean finally averted his eyes from Cas and stared down at his plate. He slung his arms around himself and tried very hard to keep it together, but his body betrayed him with a visible tremble. Sam wanted to do something, help in some way, but he didn't know how. Cas sent Sam and the door a pointed look and reached over to rub Dean's back.
Without a word, Sam stood up and left the kitchen as quietly as possible, shutting the door behind him. Cas slid his chair nearer to Dean and embraced him.
"Dean." he just said, calm and reassuring. Dean fisted a hand in his shirt and leaned his head against Cas shoulder. He couldn't hold back the tears anymore. His body stared to tremble in Cas' arms as the sobs started to escape his throat involuntarily. But he wasn't really aware of his body anymore, as the memories started welling up behind his eyes. The memories that he wanted to keep behind a wall where they could never bother him again. The all to vivid pictures of him, and Cas, and all the things that happened from the time they first landed there to the horrible way out…
"Cas…" he croaked weakly, pressed out between the sobs that fell freely from his mouth while his tears stated to soak Cas' shirt.
"Hush, Dean. We are safe now. Protected." Cas said softly, but he said it as much to reassure himself as he said it for Dean. "Don't worry."
"…gave up… everything…again…" Dean pressed out, still shaking violently.
"It's all right, Dean, we will be all right."
Cas could feel Dean nod against him and sadly stroked his hand up and down Dean's back. He didn't believe his words himself, and he knew Dean could tell. He was sure he couldn't really be much help to the other man. The sadness in his own heart was just as overwhelming, and he could feel his own eyes fill with tears. He gripped tighter onto Dean, needing something to hold on to as his own tears spilled and trickled down into Dean's hair. They stayed like that for a long time, clinging to each other until all their tears were spilled and left them calmed and exhausted.
Dean finally straightened himself and wiped the wet trails off his cheeks with the sleeve of his shirt.
"Thanks Cas." he said and tried a weak smile. His eyes were still red and puffy as he searched Cas' gaze. Cas was staring into the air in front of him, his eyes as red as Dean's and the corners of his lips turned down sadly.
"Hey Cas? We're really gonna be okay." Dean said. His voice was still shaky, but his words were sure. "Because we'll be here, okay? Nothing gets us here. We don't need your mojo to survive. And we're gonna do this."
Cas eyes met his and the angel nodded weakly, insecure. There was so much he had to learn, to understand. Still so much weighing down on him. But Dean was there. Dean squeezed his shoulder reassuringly and smiled lightly. It looked odd on his swollen face, but it was genuine.
"You're okay again?" Dean asked. Cas nodded again, but he didn't fool anyone. But there was nothing Dean could do right now. Dean patted him a last time on the shoulder before he stood up and went to the sink to splash some cold water in his face.
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Sam had been restlessly pacing and fidgeting around the study. He wanted to do help, cheer Dean up again, do something to make it better. But he couldn't do anything right now, and it was driving him nuts. This was not how this evening was supposed to end. He wanted to delve in the progress of the day, bribe Dean with some pie and talk Dean into staying settled down for good. Maybe, it was good that the dam finally broke - it was part of the healing process. But still, Sam was deeply worried.
It felt like forever until Dean finally opened the kitchen door. Sam had to restrain himself not to run in to make sure everyone was all right. Cas was still sitting in the same position as before, but he looked crestfallen. Dean - well, Dean looked okay. Huh. This wasn't what Sam expected. Sure, his face was still a bit swollen from the tears, but he seemed to have his composure back.
"You all right?" Sam asked Cas softly. He was met with a glare that could only say stop asking stupid questions, Sam Winchester.
Instead, the angel said "No."
"He will be." Dean said with determination and sat down again on his place next to Cas.
"Okay." Sam replied quietly.
Cas moved, wanting to get up and out of here, but Sam stopped him.
"You both should go get some rest… but you really need to eat something first." Sam said with an apologetic voice. He didn't want to force anything on them in a situation as this. But they really needed it. They were both still recovering from the malnutrition. Sam collected the plates and started reheating the food.
"We'll do it, Sam." Dean said.
"Come again?"
"The home base business. We'll do it."
"Great." Sam said with a soft smile.
The rest of the dinner passed quietly. Sam didn't know what to say, Cas didn't want to say anything, and Dean was too stone tired to say anything. But the silence was not as uncomfortable as it could have been. Cas vanished upstairs as soon as he ate the last bite on his plate, but Dean stayed a moment longer to bring the dishes over to the counter.
"Dean, leave it!" Sam insisted, eying his obviously exhausted brother worried.
"'s okay, Sammy." Dean said, but turned to leave anyway. He hesitated a moment at the doorway.
"Hey Sam?" he asked.
"Yeah?"
"Thanks." Dean said quietly, not quite looking Sam in the eye as he spoke.
Sam turned around surprised. "Why?"
"Y'know… everything…" Dean just stuttered uncomfortably and gestured in the general direction of Sam and the dishes. A full, happy smile spread on Sam's face.
"No biggie, Dean. You would have done the same."
Dean smiled now. "Learned from the best, huh?"
"At least, I don't cuss at my patients as much as you always do!" Sam teased.
Dean chuckled. It was only a light, breathy chuckle, barely there, but Sam heard it. Dean was still obviously exhausted, both emotionally and physically.
"What made you change your mind?" Sam asked, getting more serious again.
"Cas 's right."
Sam nodded with a smile. Dean turned to leave.
"Need help getting upstairs?" Sam asked with concern.
"Nah, I'll manage. G'night, Sam."
"Night, Dean."
Sam sighed as Dean left. He was worried. Deeply. For Dean and Cas. Worried if they could ever overcome that huge load of emotional garbage. Baby steps, he reminded himself. They gonna take baby steps. And it had gotten much better already. They would manage to climb this pile of garbage, even if they were only standing somewhere at the foot.
Sam could only shake his head incredulously when he thought about his brother. He was so friggin' strong. It amazed Sam every day. Maybe he just needed to vent today.
They had taken some huge steps lately, Sam reminded himself. They were gonna take the last of them too. It might not be easy, it might take forever, but Sam was sure of one thing. They were gonna be okay, because he would make sure of it. And if anything ever tried to come after them, it would need to get through Sam Winchester first.
Sam could see a destination at the end of the road. A house. This house. A place where he would be able to come back to in the future. His family. Just like Bobby's. He would make sure of that.
FIN
Author:
Rating: PG-13 Genre: gen; strong Dean/Cas vibes, but it's intended gen.
Characters: Dean, Cas, Sam
Spoilers: spoilers through 7.23
Warnings: old!Dean, old!Cas, human!Cas; minor self-harm; hurt/comfort; angst;
Word Count: 10500 total
Teaser: sequel to remember, who we are. A little time has passed and Sam had some time to figure out Dean. After a little breakfast date, Sam gets an idea on what to do with the two men who are to old and weak for hunting.
Disclaimer: I own their grey streaks and wrinkles, but nothing more!
( back to part 1 )
For some reason unknown to all of them, they ended up in an old house in Sioux Falls. It was at the outskirts of town, just far enough from other people for Dean to be comfortable. Sam briefly wondered why Dean couldn't feel more safe around humans than he did around dark, possibly haunted woods - but Sam knew that too many monsters wore human faces. The not human-looking were just so much easier to spot.
Sheriff Jody Mills commented on their arrival in her town that she didn't know if she should feel safer or endangered by having hunters in town again. But she welcomed them warmly anyway. Dean acted distant, but at least he wasn't as tense as he could have been with Jody standing on their new porch. That was, until Jody tried to hug him. Sam barely managed avoid the next panic attack by intercepting the hug and guiding her away from the house as fast as possible, explaining quietly that Dean needed some room. Jody had the decency not to ask about anything.
Dean eyed the salt lines and devils traps suspiciously that Sam placed all over the house.
"You really think that'll hold of the fuckers?"
"Some of them, yeah." Sam replied. Dean obviously remembered how those safety precautions worked, but he didn't look like he was content with them.
Dean took the spray Sam used for the devils trap and started to draw new symbols in front of the door. Cas watched with an expression that Sam could only describe as proud. The symbols where enochian, of course, and the whole trap looked much more complex than any trap Sam had ever seen before. Sam's devils trap looked like children's finger paint in comparison.
"You need help?" Sam asked, crouching down next to Dean with a new bottle of spray in his hand. Dean was moving slowly and with obvious difficulty, but he was determined and ignored the pain in his old, weak bones. Dean hesitated for a moment and looked at Sam considering. Probably guessing if Sam would only mess up his work.
"Okay, okay." he says finally. "You finish the…" Dean hesitated, searching for the right word.
"Pentagram?" Sam guessed from the straight lines Dean had started drawing.
"Heptagram." Cas supplied.
"Yeah, that." Dean said and started drawing again.
Sam silently got to work, raising questioning brows at Dean from time to time to check if he was doing it right. Dean just nodded and continued to work. Castiel went somewhere different, working on other protection runes. Sam just hoped he didn't use his blood for it. Cas wasn't strong enough for that right now.
Sam had never worked that long on a trap. It was really complex. There was a heptagram in another heptagram in a circle with layers and layers of runes between and around the straight lines. They would need carpets, Sam thought. Big ones. A lot of them.
"And this will work against?" he asked.
"Almost anything." Dean replied. "It has three wards that need to get broken before the whole trap fails. As fuck-proof as I know."
Dean gauged the trap for a moment before he nodded satisfied and tried to stand up. And immediately fell on his ass.
"Jesus, Dean." Sam said a little exasperated and helped Dean up.
"Uh… thanks." Dean just said. It wasn't that Dean was being his usual hard head about things… Dean just forgot his own weakness for a moment. Getting up from the floor was more difficult than standing up from a chair.
"Where's Cas?" Dean asked suddenly, a slight hint of panic in his voice.
"Calm down, he's somewhere in the house." Sam said reassuringly. Of course, the walls between them breaking line of sight would be another thing to make Dean freak. Give it a few days to get used to that, Sam guessed. Dean let go of him and went off to search for Cas a little to fast for Sam's taste. Sam just hoped Dean wouldn't trip. Dean called out Cas' name, followed by the familiar sound of enochian.
Maybe, if they kept this up, he might be able to learn enochian after all, just from guessing what they were saying.
Cas called back from somewhere upstairs. Despite being reassured that Cas hadn't ended up as monster chew toy in the brief time he wasn't on Dean's side, Dean still hurried to get to Cas. Sam followed, just in case.
As it turned out, it was the right decision to follow Dean up. Cas was sitting on a window still, pressing a cloth to his bleeding arm, looking really gray in his face. He swayed a little where he was sitting, nearly doubling over, and his eyelids where trying to drop without his consent.
Sam opened his mouth to tell Cas what an idiot he was, but he was cut of by Dean who bolted over to Cas' side and threw very loud, very harsh sounding enochian words at his friend. Sam went in search for their emergency kit and returned with it as fast as he could.
Dean was still yelling at Cas when he came back. But when Sam dropped next to them with the emergency kit, Dean was immediately silent and helped Sam efficiently with tending Cas.
"The sigils need to be drawn in angel blood." Cas explained weakly. "I thought I could give more."
"I know." Dean replied softly. He tenderly stroked through Cas' grayish bangs with a worried frown. "But you should have warned me."
It wasn't like Dean to calm down that fast, but a lot about him wasn't like Dean these days. Sam was weirdly delighted that Dean got loud at all, just because it was something young Dean would have done. Most of times when Dean panicked, he just closed down and didn't let anyone besides Cas near, going into a protective stance, ready to lash out at anything only remotely threatening. Sam didn't dare to get near when Dean was like that, leaving it to Cas to calm Dean down. Cas was much better at it than him anyway. Hearing Sam's english usually made Dean only panic more.
"We need to be careful about your blood here. We'll milk more for sigils tomorrow, but not more than you can give, okay?" Dean said gently, in a tone of voice tender enough to calm down babies. But the wrongness of the words shrilled loudly in Sam's brain.
"Dean, we can't take any blood from him, he's to weak!" Sam exclaimed in shock. "We can go a while without angel-blood sigils!"
"I'd use my own blood if it helped." Dean replied sharply. "But I'm no angel."
Sam didn't really know what to say. This was just to extreme. Dean's eyes narrowed at Sam's shocked expression.
"I'd never risk Cas' life. But it has to be done." he hissed through his teeth.
And Cas, the stupid angel, would do anything to make Dean feel safe.
"Dean." Sam finally said with the most authority he could muster. "I've managed to keep you both safe so far, right?"
"Yeah."
"And I didn't draw angel blood sigils, right?"
"Yeah…" came more hesitantly. Dean looked like he didn't even think about that.
"And I'll tell you something Dean, and I'm not going to argue this point. No one, except maybe me, is going to bleed in this house. And if this means I have to tie you both down on your bed to keep you from doing it. Am I clear?"
Dean was silent.
"Am I clear?" Sam repeated, dead serious.
"We don't need them?" Dean asked weakly.
"No, we don't." Sam replied matter-of-factly. Dean remained silent for a moment, searching Cas' eyes for reassurance.
"Good." Dean finally said, relieved, and his shoulders slumped as all the built up tension suddenly left his body. Dean still stared at Cas. Cas held his gaze, as always. They both looked so sorry. And yeah, it was out of question that Dean had really wanted to do it at any minute. It was just… Sam didn't even want to know what kind of hard choices they had to take in purgatory. What mare Dean - we're going to find another way Dean - just go with something he so not wanted to do.
Dean took Cas hand, squeezed it and murmured softly in enochian. Cas sighed and averted his gaze, staring irritated at the ceiling.
"What?" Sam inquired.
"Cas thinks it's necessary." Dean replied weakly. He was worried about his friend.
"He wouldn't have done it if he wasn't sure." Dean added, doubt filling his voice again.
"Why?" Sam asked, a bad suspicion slowly forming in him.
"Cas stirred up a lot of shit before we left. They might still be after him."
And Sam understood. Saw it in those blue eyes that still refused to look at them. Cas was troubled. He also had issues. He just managed to hide them better. Plus, he still didn't have the bone carve. Didn't need it as angel. Other Angels might still be out for him. Crowley was still after him. And Crowley was much more resourceful that the average stunt demon. And who knew about the remaining Leviathans that still plotted somewhere in the dark.
"I'll make some hexbags for him. I know they're not as strong as angel magic, but they will work for now."
Dean said something to Cas again. Sam guessed he was making sure Cas would go with that plan. Cas nodded weakly at him, but the angel didn't seem convinced.
"Cas, no blood donations. I mean it." Sam repeated sternly. Cas finally met his gaze and nodded again weakly.
"Okay." Sam said in a way to end this discussion. He pushed Dean carefully to the side to pick Cas up and carry him to his bed. There was no way Cas would run around the house anytime soon. Dean followed and sat down on the bed next to Cas.
"Dean, on a word." Sam said, moving out of the room. Dean hesitated, his gaze flicking between Sam and Cas.
"Just a minute." Sam added more softly. Dean finally nodded. He squeezed Cas shoulder with a last compassionate glance and followed Sam out. Sam closed the door behind them.
"How's Cas holding up?" Sam asked. Dean sighed.
"He'll life, I guess."
"Dean, you know what I'm talking about."
Dean was silent for a moment and leaned against the wall.
"He's having a hard time." Dean finally admitted. "With loosing his mojo 'n all. An', you know, everything…"
Sam frowned. "That's what I feared. Dean, why didn't you tell me?"
Dean shrugged. "What could you do?"
"I don't know." Sam said. "But, Dean, I'm taking care of you both! I gotta now about such things. I'm worried."
Dean didn't reply to that and there was a short pause in their conversation.
"How did he loose his mojo anyway?" Sam asked. Dean got a pained expression.
"'s got to do with getting me out of purgatory. It would have been much easier for him to leave without me, but he didn't. Don't really know how to explain what he did…" Dean trailed off, letting the can't explain it in english hang in the air unvoiced.
"It's okay, Dean. You make sure he's getting okay?" Sam asked.
"Sure." Dean replied with a determined nod. "He doesn't regret it, you know. Just has a hard time dealing with things. But I keep telling him he's not useless!"
"Okay, that's good." Sam replied. "Thanks, Dean."
Dean looked irritated. "For what?"
"Well… looking out for him. I wouldn't know what to tell him."
Dean let out an amused snort. And yeah, it was a kinda stupid thing to say to Dean.
"Now get in there and make him feel better." Sam ordered.
"Aye, sir." Dean teased and moved off the wall. Dean hesitated before he opened the door.
"I'll make sure he doesn't shed another drop."
"Good."
Sam was more than satisfied. Cas couldn't find a more devoted babysitter than Dean. Dean immediately plastered himself to Cas' side and didn't look like he would move from there any time soon.
Before he continued proofing the house, Sam brought Cas some orange juice and sausages he got from a green store. They even looked more healthy than the average sausage. Sam knew he might be paranoid, but he had a reason to pick green food and he wouldn't stop on the assumption that killing Dick cleared all the stores in an instant. It was better food anyway. And Dean wasn't even bitching about it. Not anymore, since… well.
When Sam came up a few hours later to announce dinner, both were asleep, Dean still propped up against the headboard in a way that couldn't be comfortable and Cas curled up close to him. Sam hesitated, but woke them anyway. They needed food. Especially Cas after his blood loss. But Sam allowed them to eat in the bed and brought everything up for them to eat together.
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Sam made a trip to the book store the next day in search for something to read for Dean. He took two of those chick-flicky sex-stuffed romance novels, because hey, they were for Dean. Dean might claim to be a no chick-flick kinda guy, but Sam knew him a lot better than that. Hey, the guy used to watch Dr. Sexy. Plus, those kind of novels where stuffed with porn. Very kinky, disturbing porn. Perfect for Dean.
Sam stopped when he saw a book with the title the ghostfacers, volume one: bloody mary. Sam slowly took the book out of the shelve and looked at the cover. Huh. Now those guys even got published. Sam took the book, it might be funny, and besides Dean would get a rerun on ghost ganking. Those guys might be idiots, but at least they knew the drill.
Sam hesitated for another moment in front of the mystery shelve and decided against buying anything with monsters. He wasn't sure if the books could trigger anything, but he didn't want to take the chance. Besides, he also didn't want his brother to confuse real world knowledge, purgatory knowledge and weird stuff written in books.
Sam took a few other books from various genres, always careful that they might not contain torture or any other triggery stuff. Sam wanted Dean to have something light, funny and entertaining. Their life was hard enough.
/-/
Sam brought the books up to Cas' room. The room doubled as Dean's room since the two really were inseparable these days. Dean was sitting at the window and glancing out, while Cas rolled around on the bed lazily. The angel might be weak, but that didn't hinder him from becoming bored. And bored Cas wasn't something easy to handle, Sam had come to know in the last weeks. Good thing Dean kept him occupied most of the time. Dean was still keeping watch from time to time, especially when Sam was out. But he wasn't fanatic about it anymore. Sam decided he needed to get a tv for them.
Cas immediately grabbed one of the books out of the pile Sam dropped on the bed. Of course he grabbed the one with the pink cover.
"I don't think you want to read that one." Sam smiled. Cas turned the pages curiously.
"I didn't have the opportunity to read this kind of literature before." Cas explained.
Dean grinned. "That's not literature. And Sammy, just let him pick what he wants."
Sam's lips quirked. "You deal with his questions."
Dean strode over and flopped down on the bed next to the pile and Cas.
"Why did you get those?" he asked.
"I thought you might want to practice a little." Sam shrugged. Dean looked at him with a calculating expression, then at the books.
"Okay." He took one at random and slowly deciphered the words on the back cover. Sam was just about to leave the room when Cas spoke up, frowning at his book in concentration.
"Why would Mindy not tell her best friend that she has romantic interest in him?"
"Just read the book." Sam suggested.
"It does state some reasons, but I don't understand them." Cas stated, his voice sa serious as if he was talking about the big secrets of existence.
"Sam, what have you done?" Dean sighed.
"You deal with his questions." Sam grinned and left the room.
When Sam passed the open door a little while later, he spotted Dean and Cas both propped up against the headboard next to each other, hunching over the pink book with their heads close, discussing quietly in their preferred language. They reminded Sam of two BFF high-school girls sharing their secrets and spinning theories. Sam grinned to himself. With Dean's tempo, they couldn't have gotten far, but Cas' help might be good. Plus, the reading exercise would hopefully tone up Dean's vocabulary a bit. Sam was pleasantly surprised that Cas also started reading the books. Maybe this wasn't a bad idea at all. They were only books, but they would make them think about the more normal aspects of life. Even when their life was as far form normal as it could be, Sam wanted them to at least get a grip on the concept.
When Sam passed the door a longer while later, Cas had passed out on Dean's shoulder while Dean was still reading the pink book. The happy part of Sam grinned at them while sad part reminded him that Cas needed Dean's closeness just as much as Dean needed Cas.
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Dean's reading skills picked up fast. He really just had to remember. It was probably like riding a bike - something you would never fully forget. By the end of the week, Dean was digging into Bobby's old books, eager to remember anything that could be useful. Sam wasn't surprised, he knew his brother was smart. The main reason Sam was the researcher of their team was that Dean was just lazy.
Sam was concerned at first that anything related to monsters could possibly trigger horrific memories. But Dean never showed a sign. Sam wasn't sure if he should believe his brother was stronger than he gave him credit for or if purgatory had numbed him so much nothing simple like a book could faze him. Dean was full of contradictions, speaking calmly about the weirdest shit Sam could imagine while still jumping at the tiniest strange sound.
"Sam, I need those sticky little shit pages you love so much." Dean suddenly said. He was sitting on the sofa in what had become their study, an old tome on his lap.
"Okay." Sam said surprised. He retrieved the sticky notes from the pile of thing's that was Sam's research equipment and handed them to Dean. Part of his brain asked in exasperation why the hell Dean remembered all the vocabulary of his potty mouth just perfectly while still stumbling over the simplest things. Dean made some small, unreadable symbols on the sticky notes and stuck them to the page of the old tome. Sam winced inwardly. You couldn't just put sticky notes into an old book. That's just something you just couldn't do!
"What's that for?" he asked anyway.
"Book 's full of shit. I'm just making notes in case you need it some day."
"Well, Dean, that's clever, but I can't read your notes." Sam replied patiently. Dean hesitated and glanced down at his notes.
"Oh, yeah, right." he replied, removed the sticky note again and made a new one, written in english. He wrote notably slower than before, sometimes hesitating on a word.
"Uhm, why don't you just write it on paper and lay the sheet between the pages?" Sam asked, still uncomfortable with the way Dean was treating ancient knowledge.
"Don't be a sissy, princess. Book 's full of shit anyway." Dean replied.
Sam sighed, giving up on this one.
"How come you even learned writing in enochian?" Sam asked curiously instead.
Dean shrugged. "We had lots of time, sand and some sticks."
That's the first hint Sam got that they might not have been haunted every singe second in purgatory. That relieved him greatly.
"Dean, you know things worked differently down there?" Sam asked carefully. "You said so yourself."
"I know." Dean answered, not taking his eyes off the book. "But you heard Cas. Things that worked there have to work here. And… I don't remember all tricks, but I know about monsters. I've seen them, how they really are. And Cas taught me a lot."
Sam nodded his understanding.
"I'm starting to see patterns, you know?" Dean explained. "I'm just writing down the things I'm sure about."
"Okay, that's good." Sam said. "May I?" he asked and reached for the book. Dean nodded and passed it over. Sam looked at the notes and compared them to the book. It were a lot of little things, sometimes additional background explanations, some times lines like bullshit, you gotta make swiss cheese outta it with silver bullets and then chop that fuck's head off.
"Dean, that's great!" Sam said astonished. Sure, it wasn't like Dean's little notes would cause a revolution in all the hunting techniques… but Sam was more sure than ever that getting Dean as research backup would help a lot of hunters a great deal.
Sam passed the book back to Dean.
"You know, this stuff could help a lot more people than just me." Sam said.
"I know." Dean said, turning his attention back to his work with no clear intention of talking about this any more.
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A few days later, Steve called.
"Hey, I'm Steve. Garth told me it's okay to call you if I need help on research."
"Yeah, that's cool." Sam replied instantly. "What do you need?"
Steve told him a tale about a supposedly ghost town coupled with demon omens coupled with sighting of a friggin' unicorn. That was clearly not the average hunt.
"Okay, we'll look into it, I'll call you back as soon as I know something." Sam said.
"Thank you." Steve replied. "I'll call if I find anything more."
They hung up. Sam was really glad about the case. He was slowly getting bored. Dean and Cas were getting more and more independent, so he really had not much to do besides getting money, cooking and monitoring any activity on the news that could be caused by demons or the remaining Leviathans. So far, there had been nothing that made him jump. Besides, this was great for his plan.
"Dean, Steve called with a question. He's the hunting buddy of Garth." Sam announced, deliberately not calling it a case. He filled them both in and they started digging in and spinning theories almost immediately. The two dove into it even more enthusiastically than Sam had expected. Dean might have always been suspicious of other hunters, now more than ever, but he had never been someone to turn down anyone in need of help. Besides, he didn't even have to met Steve face to face.
It didn't took long and the two where in a deep discussion. They included Sam in the discussion at first, but Dean got excited and slipped into enochian without even noticing it, Cas following soon after. Sam didn't mind, this time. With a small smile on his lips, he glanced at the two while they were talking animatedly and gesturing wildly. Sam could see what Dean meant when he claimed he rubbed off on Cas, as Cas was getting just as loud and impatient as Dean while he was trying to get his points across. Without even understanding the words, Sam was able to see that they were in one of those discussions that changed direction with almost every sentence. Thinking of loud… Sam hadn't seen Dean talking this loud a long time, except for the yelling a few days before. But that didn't really count. This must really do Dean some good.
Sam listened for a moment longer, trying to grab some words out of the flood to identify them. But he gave up after a short time. So far, he didn't even manage to identify yes and no. Sam was just not able to make out common words. The only thing that he could make out was a "Cas" or a "Dean" somewhere between the lines. Instead, he started working on his own angles for the case. They compared notes later, and Sam learned a great deal by all those little points the two had snatched up. As it turned out, the demon omens were no demon omens.
When they finally had a theory, Sam handed the phone to Dean.
"You call him, I think you could explain it best." Sam said deliberately nonchalantly. His real intent was to get Dean hooked up with the other hunters.
Dean took the phone and relayed their info to Steve, who thanked him warmly. Dean seemed perplexed as he hung up, and Sam couldn't hide a little smile of accomplishment. He took the phone from Dean and typed in a little text.
We're glad when we're able to help. Spread the word.
The reply was sure thing.
Sam grinned to himself. Mission accomplished. Dean might not know it, but he was already on the best way to fill out Bobby's footsteps.
Both Dean and Cas where downright cheerful when they gathered later for dinner. It obviously did them some good to be able to do something useful again.
"So, wasn't that bad to have something to do again, right?" Sam asked.
Dean and Cas shared a smile with each other.
"Well, yeah, when there's one thing I like it's when monster's get ganked." Dean said with a smirk. Cas nodded solemnly.
"Yeah." Sam said. "You know, you two should keep doing this. You're really good."
"You keep saying that." Dean replied frowning.
"It's true." Sam said and shrugged.
Cas tilted his head, looking thoughtfully at nobody in particular as he spoke.
"It might be the right course of action for us."
"You wanna elaborate?" Dean asked. Cas raised his eyes to set on Dean's.
"We will not be able to hunt like you used to." Castiel deadpanned.
"That's bullshit. I know I've got wrinkles and lots of gray hair, but we'll managed to pull through. We always have."
"Because we had to." Cas replied gravely. "And it had come at great cost."
Dean just stared blankly for a moment, and Cas stared back. Sam had the urge to smack his brother on his fool head. Did Dean really think he just could keep going? That he had to keep going?
Needless to say, it had completely killed the mood. Sam suddenly wasn't so motivated anymore to bribe Dean with pie for dessert.
Something slowly changed in Dean's expression. His frown deepened, his eyes narrowed and his lips pressed together. If Sam didn't know better, he would say his brother was about to cry. But… did he know his brother better? Wasn't something like this long overdue? There had been a reason Sam had been awed by Dean's calmness.
Dean finally averted his eyes from Cas and stared down at his plate. He slung his arms around himself and tried very hard to keep it together, but his body betrayed him with a visible tremble. Sam wanted to do something, help in some way, but he didn't know how. Cas sent Sam and the door a pointed look and reached over to rub Dean's back.
Without a word, Sam stood up and left the kitchen as quietly as possible, shutting the door behind him. Cas slid his chair nearer to Dean and embraced him.
"Dean." he just said, calm and reassuring. Dean fisted a hand in his shirt and leaned his head against Cas shoulder. He couldn't hold back the tears anymore. His body stared to tremble in Cas' arms as the sobs started to escape his throat involuntarily. But he wasn't really aware of his body anymore, as the memories started welling up behind his eyes. The memories that he wanted to keep behind a wall where they could never bother him again. The all to vivid pictures of him, and Cas, and all the things that happened from the time they first landed there to the horrible way out…
"Cas…" he croaked weakly, pressed out between the sobs that fell freely from his mouth while his tears stated to soak Cas' shirt.
"Hush, Dean. We are safe now. Protected." Cas said softly, but he said it as much to reassure himself as he said it for Dean. "Don't worry."
"…gave up… everything…again…" Dean pressed out, still shaking violently.
"It's all right, Dean, we will be all right."
Cas could feel Dean nod against him and sadly stroked his hand up and down Dean's back. He didn't believe his words himself, and he knew Dean could tell. He was sure he couldn't really be much help to the other man. The sadness in his own heart was just as overwhelming, and he could feel his own eyes fill with tears. He gripped tighter onto Dean, needing something to hold on to as his own tears spilled and trickled down into Dean's hair. They stayed like that for a long time, clinging to each other until all their tears were spilled and left them calmed and exhausted.
Dean finally straightened himself and wiped the wet trails off his cheeks with the sleeve of his shirt.
"Thanks Cas." he said and tried a weak smile. His eyes were still red and puffy as he searched Cas' gaze. Cas was staring into the air in front of him, his eyes as red as Dean's and the corners of his lips turned down sadly.
"Hey Cas? We're really gonna be okay." Dean said. His voice was still shaky, but his words were sure. "Because we'll be here, okay? Nothing gets us here. We don't need your mojo to survive. And we're gonna do this."
Cas eyes met his and the angel nodded weakly, insecure. There was so much he had to learn, to understand. Still so much weighing down on him. But Dean was there. Dean squeezed his shoulder reassuringly and smiled lightly. It looked odd on his swollen face, but it was genuine.
"You're okay again?" Dean asked. Cas nodded again, but he didn't fool anyone. But there was nothing Dean could do right now. Dean patted him a last time on the shoulder before he stood up and went to the sink to splash some cold water in his face.
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Sam had been restlessly pacing and fidgeting around the study. He wanted to do help, cheer Dean up again, do something to make it better. But he couldn't do anything right now, and it was driving him nuts. This was not how this evening was supposed to end. He wanted to delve in the progress of the day, bribe Dean with some pie and talk Dean into staying settled down for good. Maybe, it was good that the dam finally broke - it was part of the healing process. But still, Sam was deeply worried.
It felt like forever until Dean finally opened the kitchen door. Sam had to restrain himself not to run in to make sure everyone was all right. Cas was still sitting in the same position as before, but he looked crestfallen. Dean - well, Dean looked okay. Huh. This wasn't what Sam expected. Sure, his face was still a bit swollen from the tears, but he seemed to have his composure back.
"You all right?" Sam asked Cas softly. He was met with a glare that could only say stop asking stupid questions, Sam Winchester.
Instead, the angel said "No."
"He will be." Dean said with determination and sat down again on his place next to Cas.
"Okay." Sam replied quietly.
Cas moved, wanting to get up and out of here, but Sam stopped him.
"You both should go get some rest… but you really need to eat something first." Sam said with an apologetic voice. He didn't want to force anything on them in a situation as this. But they really needed it. They were both still recovering from the malnutrition. Sam collected the plates and started reheating the food.
"We'll do it, Sam." Dean said.
"Come again?"
"The home base business. We'll do it."
"Great." Sam said with a soft smile.
The rest of the dinner passed quietly. Sam didn't know what to say, Cas didn't want to say anything, and Dean was too stone tired to say anything. But the silence was not as uncomfortable as it could have been. Cas vanished upstairs as soon as he ate the last bite on his plate, but Dean stayed a moment longer to bring the dishes over to the counter.
"Dean, leave it!" Sam insisted, eying his obviously exhausted brother worried.
"'s okay, Sammy." Dean said, but turned to leave anyway. He hesitated a moment at the doorway.
"Hey Sam?" he asked.
"Yeah?"
"Thanks." Dean said quietly, not quite looking Sam in the eye as he spoke.
Sam turned around surprised. "Why?"
"Y'know… everything…" Dean just stuttered uncomfortably and gestured in the general direction of Sam and the dishes. A full, happy smile spread on Sam's face.
"No biggie, Dean. You would have done the same."
Dean smiled now. "Learned from the best, huh?"
"At least, I don't cuss at my patients as much as you always do!" Sam teased.
Dean chuckled. It was only a light, breathy chuckle, barely there, but Sam heard it. Dean was still obviously exhausted, both emotionally and physically.
"What made you change your mind?" Sam asked, getting more serious again.
"Cas 's right."
Sam nodded with a smile. Dean turned to leave.
"Need help getting upstairs?" Sam asked with concern.
"Nah, I'll manage. G'night, Sam."
"Night, Dean."
Sam sighed as Dean left. He was worried. Deeply. For Dean and Cas. Worried if they could ever overcome that huge load of emotional garbage. Baby steps, he reminded himself. They gonna take baby steps. And it had gotten much better already. They would manage to climb this pile of garbage, even if they were only standing somewhere at the foot.
Sam could only shake his head incredulously when he thought about his brother. He was so friggin' strong. It amazed Sam every day. Maybe he just needed to vent today.
They had taken some huge steps lately, Sam reminded himself. They were gonna take the last of them too. It might not be easy, it might take forever, but Sam was sure of one thing. They were gonna be okay, because he would make sure of it. And if anything ever tried to come after them, it would need to get through Sam Winchester first.
Sam could see a destination at the end of the road. A house. This house. A place where he would be able to come back to in the future. His family. Just like Bobby's. He would make sure of that.
FIN