fic: remember, who we are
Title: remember, who we are
Author: skiing_pelican
Rating: PG-13
Genre: hurt/comfort
Characters: Sam, Dean, Castiel
Spoilers: spoilers through 7.23
Warnings: malnutrition, old age, scars, implied violence, language
Word Count: 7500
Summary:
Sam finds Dean and Cas a day after their fight against Dick Roman. But it seems they stayed much longer in purgatory than that. Sam helps them heal and deal with the aftermath of prugatory. Some Dean/Cas undertones, but this is gen.
Authors note:
This story is a fill to drabblewriter's prompt at mad_server's season 7 finale meme. Check it out, there are a lot of great stories!
Original prompt:
A twist on the time-passes-differently-in-Purgatory idea…
Dean (and Cas) spend a verrrry long time searching for a way out, being hunted, beat up, and generally traumatized. But by the time they're successful, hardly any time has passed back on Earth. Dean has a hard time healing and dealing with this. Any pairings!
And OMG, I really wrote gen! Although I could have slashed!
Disclaimer: I don't own the boys.
Sam trotted slowly away from Sucrocorp, his hands stuffed in his pockets and his face in a deep frown. It should be a good day - they had managed to fight one big bad evil. But he didn't feel like they had won the fight. Crowley had managed to play all the cards to his favor yet again. Dean and Cas were gone, most possibly in purgatory, but he didn't know if he should believe Crowley. Kevin was in Crowleys hands, and Meg… god knows what happened to her.
So really… they had managed to "win". Only… in the typical Winchester way.
Sam wasn't even desperate or frustrated. Right now, he was numb. All that happened sunk slowly into his brain, but he could not process it. Not yet, anyway. He could only acknowledge the facts. Crowley had let him go with no further explanation why de didn't kill him on the spot, but knowing the demon, he had his reasons. All he could do now is find a way back to their shack, get all the things and find a way to bail Dean and Cas out as soon as possible.
So Sam trotted slowly along the highway, his mind blank. He needed a good nights sleep to figure out what to do next.
/-/
But Sam's brain couldn't stay blank for long. Instead of sleeping it off, he spent the night rolling around with his eyes open, mulling about Dean, purgatory, their life, how to get the impala back, Cas, Meg, Crowley, Leviathans and if their threat was over now (it wasn't). It got frustrating when light started seeping through the curtains and birds started cheeping.
He was woken by his phone ringing. He groaned loudly and took a look at the watch on the nightstand. Only 8.46. He couldn't have slept much more than three hours. He was very tempted to just ignore the call, but he grabbed his mobile anyway and answered with a sleepy "Yeah?".
"Sam, 's tha' really you?" a familiar voice asked. Sam was suddenly wide awake.
"Dean?"
"Yeah, 's me."
It was definitely Dean's voice, but it sounded off. It was hoarse and fatigued in an odd way, and it sounded like Dean didn't believe he was really talking to Sam.
"Hey dude, you all right?" Sam asked immediately.
There was silence at the other end of the line. Okay, that meant no. Whatever was wrong, it was bad, and he had to find his brother like, right now.
"Dean, where are you?" Sam inquired. "I'll go and get to you as soon as possible."
"'ve… 've go' no idea" Dean slurred, much to slow for his brother's taste and laced with an odd combination of desperation and hope. "Sam… we're in the wood. Yeah. And 'here's a river. But don' know nothin' more."
Dean was talking excruciatingly slow. It made Sam go nuts with worry. This was so not like his brother.
"Okay, that's good. Cas is with you."
An affirmative grunt on the other end of the line.
"Good. Dean, try to find the next town and call me again. I'll pack things up here."
"Sam…" came pleading, even more desperately.
Sam hesitated. He was getting fidgety and really nervous. "Dean?"
"Don't thin' I'll manage tha'. Cas 's pretty heavy."
There was so much wrong with that statement Sam couldn't even pinpoint what was the worst. The way Dean's voice broke? That Cas must be out cold? The way Dean's voice trembled as he claimed Cas was heavy? Or maybe the way Dean slowly fought with getting out the right words?
And Sam knew for a fact that Cas was not heavy.
"Okay, okay." Sam said, trying to sound calm while he panicked on the inside. He opened his laptop and started it while he pressed the phone between his shoulder and cheek.
"Dean, I'll track your phone. You stay put, I'll come and get you both."
"Oh."
Dean sounded so damn off. Like he had no idea what Sam was talking about.
"Are you wounded? Do I need to bring anything?" Sam asked, at the same time punching Dean's number into the tracking program.
"Wha'? No, jus' tired. Tha' all."
Sam scrunched his nose in worry. The hell was Dean just tired. He was bringing firetrucks and sirens. The tracking program pinpointed Dean's location, it was very near. Sam squinted to take a closer look at the map and zoomed in. It was just around the corner. Oh no. That was… great. Right in the wood behind Sucrocorp.
"Okay, hold on Dean, I'm not far. I'll be there in a moment."
"'k."
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Sam brought with him the large first aid kit and went to short-circuit the nearest car he could find. The map was printed out and stuffed into his pocket, just in case. He drove the car into a little sidepath that lead into the woods, but didn't dare to get to close to the company building. With a shotgun ready, he sneaked through the wood as fast as he could. No demons or leviathans in sight. He finally spotted two figures half leaning, half lying against a tree a few steps further down. Sam surveyed the area closely before he let his guard drop and hunched down next to Dean and Cas.
The sight shocked him so much that he had to take a second and just stare. They both looked so incredibly wrecked. But no, that wasn't all of it. Dean looked up at him, with the same, familiar green eyes, but they looked so incredibly old. And then he took in the rest. The dry, ashen skin hanging from sickeningly thin bones. The deep worry lines and dark circles under his eyes. The slight gray touch to the hair at his temple. Sam's belly clenched tightly in horror. Only their clothes looked exactly the way he remembered them.
"Dean?"
"Sam."
In real, the voice sounded even more hoarse, barely more audible than a whisper. Maybe it had gotten worse since the phone call.
"Dean, let me check you." Sam said, opening the first aid kit next to them.
"Cas!" Dean tried to exclaim, but the sound that came out was barely louder than before. He coughed twice before he continued. "Cas… check…
"Yeah Dean, I've got him, don't worry." Sam said immediately and moved to hover over Cas' unconscious form. Cas was in a similar shape like Dean. Sam had no time to think about what could have happened to make an angel age. Or why they aged at all.
Dean squeezed the angel's shoulder with the hand that had rested on it the whole time. He started to make a few guttural sounds that sounded vaguely like language. Sam didn't see any injuries that he needed to take care of immediately. There were tons of nasty, worrying scars, but nothing fresh. The sight was horrifying anyway. Cas ribcage stood out way to sharp against his belly, not a bit of flesh between the thin, whitish, almost translucent skin and the ribs beneath. Dean made some of those sounds again and Sam was sure now that it was language.
"Dean?" he asked, raising his eyebrows in question.
"Get off Cas!" Dean suddenly bolted, and Sam had to throw himself back into the dirt uncontrolled to avoid the blade that lashed out at him.
"Dean, it's me, Sam, remember? I'm okay!" Sam said. He held his hands up carefully, signaling he was no threat, hunching down to make himself look as small and harmless as possible.
"Only monsters don't know enoch." Dean snarled. His speech was suddenly faster and clearer, like the adrenaline kick made his brain work again. Sam recognised the sounds now that Dean made earlier. It sounded just a little off… like angelic drawl.
"You're what? Shifter? Levi? Well, you know what, you sick son of a bitch? I don't care. You won't get a bite of angel today. Not from mine."
"Dean, it's really me, Sam!" Sam insisted. "You called me! I tracked your phone here! Only I know this number!"
Dean just stared at him, his jaw set and eyes angry. He had gotten up to his feet and stood defensively in front of Cas, his blade ready in front of him.
"That's silver." Sam observed. "Okay, cut me. You'll see, I'm not a shifter."
Sam stood up again and carefully made a step toward Dean, extending his arm as not-threateningly as possible. Dean stared at it for several slow seconds and did nothing. He finally blinked, as if he remembered something from a long time ago and sliced just deep enough into Sam's skin to draw blood. He frowned as red blood tickled down Sam's arm, as if it was the last he expected.
"How?" Dean asked.
"How… what?"
"You can't be Sam!" Dean barked. "You look… exactly like I remember!"
Sam looked back into those old, tired eyes, sitting in an old, wrinkled face, framed by old, grayish hair. And caught up.
"Dean, how long were you in there? Only a day passed here."
"A day?"
Dean gulped. His eyes went wide in that boyish, surprised way he would probably never lose. "Really?"
"Yeah. Time passes different in places… sometimes." Sam assumed. "How long, Dean?"
"Uhm… twenty years? Thirty? I don't know."
Sam groaned. That was… great. Just great. By now, Dean's knife sunk down more and more. Dean didn't have the strength to hold it up anymore, not without the adrenaline circling through his veins. Even his speech had slowed again, slurred out until his words were barely recognisable.
"Dean, please, let me help you." Sam said and took a bold step up into Dean's space, his hand closing around the hilt of the weapon and taking it out of Dean's grasp. Dean didn't fight. Sam didn't think Dean could have fought him, even if he had tried. His brother was a wreck.
"Okay, let's get you somewhere safe." Sam said.
"'k. Cas. Take Cas." Dean asked, voice full of worry.
"Yeah Dean." Sam replied. Dean didn't take his worried eyes off the angel one second as Sam checked on him once more before he hauled him over his shoulder.
"Can you walk?"
Dean nodded. Sam let his eyes travel over the form of his brother, taking in the bony arms that so not filled out his shirt. Dean was swaying where he was standing.
"I'm not taking chances." Sam said and laid an arm around Dean's middle to steady him. He felt hard bones under the layers of much to big clothes, reminding him once more of the terrible state his brother was in. They abandoned the first aid kit since Sam had no plans to leave them alone in the car to get it.
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The walk back to the car was as excruciatingly slow as it was uneventful, if you didn't count Dean stumbling over roots because he could barely lift his feet enough to drag himself forward, let alone step over them. Sam was glad. One single stunt demon would be enough for them to be screwed right now.
As soon as they reached the car, Dean reached out and leaned against it, not letting go from Sam until he was sure he was safe against the side of the car. Sam opened the backseat door and carefully lowered Cas into the car. When he retrieved his head from the car again, he saw Dean dragging himself around the car, balancing with both hands against the steel at all times. Sam watched wordlessly but fascinated how relatively secure and fast Dean made his way around the car, considering his state. Dean opened the door to the other backseat door and somehow managed to shove himself in. Sam wondered where Dean found the space to sit since Cas' form was sprawled over the whole bench, until he slid into the front seat and took a look in the rear view mirror. Cas' head was now lying in Dean's lap, and Dean was trailing his fingers through the dark bangs, smoothing them back and out of his face like Cas preferred it. Dean murmured a few more words in enochian. Sam only recognised 'Cas'.
/-/
Sam made a quick stop at the cabin and told Dean to stay in the car. Sam rounded up all their stuff in light speed and tossed it into the trunk of the car. He would have to come back for the impala sooner or later, but getting Dean and Cas as far away as possible from any leviathans of demons was the highest priority right now. When Sam slipped into the drivers seat and checked on them in the rearview mirror, Dean was still awake and staring out of the window with alert eyes.
"Dean, you should sleep." he said while tucking his seatbelt in. Dean's old eyes met him in the mirror.
"Have to keep watch."
Sam hesitated at that.
"Dean, how about… I'll take the first watch, okay?"
And Dean didn't even think of this possibility. Sam's eyes shifted to Castiel and back to Dean while he turned the key in the ignition. Thirty years. Thirty years.
No wonder it was hard for Dean to accept someone else into his two-men team. They still were Team Free Will, but it wasn't the same to Dean anymore. Couldn't be. It was probably a miracle that Dean trusted him this far. He would have to remember, relearn.
"Okay." Dean murmured.
Sam concentrated on driving. As they were on the highway, he took a longer glance into the mirror. Dean was out cold, sleeping like a rock. His hand was still in Cas' hair.
Sam looked back at the road. So many questions were circling through his brain right now. What did they had to endure? He wasn't sure if he really wanted to know. Would they ever get back to, at least, remotely normal again? And since he didn't have much hope right now, he wasn't sure if he really wanted to know that either.
But Sam knew one thing. He was going to get some flesh on those bones.
/-/
Sam drove for two hours before he dared to stop for the first time. Nothing happened in this time. Only once, Cas shifted in the backseat and Sam was hugely relived to see at least a little sign of life from the angel. He took a look in the rear view mirror and smiled as he saw that Cas had snuggled up closer against Dean.
Sam stopped at a store and left them both sleeping in the backseat while he made a quick shopping trip. He needed to feed them something as soon as possible, but he couldn't exactly make chicken soup or cook vegetables in the car and he knew they couldn't stomach anything raw right now. He wandered through the aisles, wracking his brain until his eyes set on baby supply. Hesitantly, he took out a glass of baby food and looked at the content. One-hundred-percent natural vegetable and fruit. No corn syrup. Easy to stomach. Perfect. He filled his whole shopping basket with different glasses, checking each one for content, got a carrier of spring water, some bananas for himself and some plastic spoons. He was very satisfied with himself as he headed back to the car.
He drove for another three hours before there was a movement in the back seat. Sam glanced into the rear view mirror and saw blue eyes cracking open.
"Mornin' Cas." he said friendly. Cas eyes darted around, taking in the inside of the car, staring a moment at the back of Sam's head before finally moving up to the mirror.
"Sam."
A smile spread on his face and Sam was worried for a moment, remembering crazy Cas.
"We managed it." Cas said.
His voice had the familiar calm, deep rumble. No hints of the insecurity or distraction that Cas' voice had held previously. Sam smiled back at him reassuringly.
"Cas… what happened?" Sam asked carefully after a few beats.
"Purgatory."
Cas didn't elaborate further, and Sam didn't press it. He kept glancing at the rear view mirror to check at Cas, needing to reassure himself of Cas' state. Cas seemed okay. His eyes were old, but they always had been. There was no hint of insanity in his movements or in the way he glanced up at Dean with a happy little smile. Quite the contrary, he seemed completely calm and focused, closer to his old self than Sam had seen him in a long time and probably more content than Sam had ever seen him. His vessel was older, but Cas himself didn't seem older at all. If anything, the gray streaks made him look more handsome.
What? Sam wasn't blind. He thought that in the same, innocent way he had considered his brother good looking and Bobby holding up pretty good for his age. But, Cas was still looking horrible right now, with his ashen skin and the dark bags under his eyes, not to mention his bony frame.
"Cas, you need to eat something." Sam finally said. Cas might be okay, but his body wasn't.
Cas nodded. He removed Dean's hand gingerly from his head. Cas needed to brace himself with both arms to sit up. Sam was worried. Where had Cas' mojo gone?
"Drink something first." Sam said, grabbing a bottle from the seat next to him and awkwardly passing it to the back. Cas' hand moved slowly as he grabbed the bottle, shaking violently. He didn't even have the strength to keep his hand steady. Sam groaned inwardly, but didn't move a muscle in his face. Cas fought a few times with the cap of the bottle before he looked up at Sam with sad eyes.
"I'll take care of it." Sam said, holding back his right hand to get the bottle. It was awkward to pass it back to the front again, partly because of Cas' shaking hands, partly because Sam had to keep his eyes on the road and couldn't look back. But they finally managed it. Sam held the bottle between his thighs and opened it with his free hand before he passed it back to Cas.
They spilled a bit of water until Cas had the bottle in his grip, but Sam didn't care. He had to ditch the car sooner or later anyway.
"Thank you, Sam." Cas said quietly and drank from the bottle.
"That's what friends are for, right?" Sam asked. Immediately, huge blue eyes stared at him, big and relieved.
Of course Sam had forgiven him. The angel had taken the whole load off him. He might have no idea what happened in purgatory, but Dean's behaviour spoke volumes. If Dean trusted him again, Sam would not question.
Cas passed the bottle back to Sam, and Sam next opened one of the little baby food glasses and handed it back with a spoon.
"Eat as much as you can stomach, but don't force it." Sam instructed. "I don't want you to throw up."
Cas fought a little with his shaking hands, the tiny glass and the spoon, but he managed to eat without spilling. The portions were diminutive since they were made for babies. Cas managed to eat three portions. It wasn't much, but Sam knew a starving body didn't have the space or the strength to handle a lot of food at once.
"Thank you, Sam." Cas said again, still weak but solemn.
They drove on in silence, the only noise the constant rumbling of the engine. After ony a couple of minutes, Cas fought the tiredness, jerking his eyes open as they tried to fall on their own accord.
"It's okay, rest." Sam said. "You need it."
Cas eyes drifted closed almost immediately and his body relaxed, sinking against Dean, his head coming to rest on Dean's narrow shoulder. The sight had a bitter sweetness to it. As adorable as the two looked, as sad was their state.
But Sam's smile widened to a full grin as Dean's head rolled around and his cheek came to rest on Cas' dark hair.
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Sam drove the whole day, only stopping once to get himself something to eat. The two in the backseat didn't wake up the whole time. Sam smiled every time he looked at them. They just looked so comfortable with each other, it was endearing.
Finally, he stopped the car in front of another rundown hotel in another small town and got them another crappy hotel room.
Dean and Cas were still sleeping in the same position. Sam opened the door on the side of his brother and gently nudged at his shoulder to wake him up.
"Hey, Dean, wake up."
Dean stirred and blinked at him. Abruptly, his eyes went wide in fear and a fist collided hard with Sam's nose. Sam staggered back to a safe distance, holding both hands to his bleeding nose.
"Jesus, Dean!" Sam exclaimed. He rummaged in his pockets for a tissue and pressed it to his nose to stop the bleeding.
"Oh. Sam. Sorry." Dean said slowly, after he blinked wide eyed at his brother for a whole minute.
"It's okay." Sam said. It really was, he should have expected something like this. Tentatively, He removed the tissue, but his nose was still bleeding. His brother had always had one hell of a solid punch, but this? Sam was lucky that it hadn't broken his nose and pressed it back into his brain. His brother must have some freakish hidden strength reserves in case of danger.
"Just, how did you do that?" Sam wondered.
Dean shrugged. "Reflex?"
Sam sighed and teared the tissue in half, stuffing each half into one of his nostrils to catch the blood. This didn't feel like it would stop soon.
"Wake up Cas." Sam asked. He didn't want to risk a similar reaction from the other one, despite how weak he had looked earlier. "I've got us a room."
Dean blinked at him again, contemplating, and Sam wondered what was going through his brain. Dean nodded and leaned over to Cas, speaking softly in Enochian. The angel stirred and smiled up at Dean, replying something. Sam stepped up to them hesitantly, feeling like an intruder. Dean turned back to him.
"Okay." Dean said as he started to manouver out of the car. Sam held out his hands immediately, steadying Dean. Dean was more focused now, he could tell that with one look at Dean's green eyes. But his body was still weak, barely able to hold himself on his feet. He really needed to eat.
"Cas, I'll be right back." Sam promised. Dean suddenly stopped dead in his tracks.
"No."
"What?" Sam prompted carefully.
"No, I'm not going without Cas." Dean declared, leveling his green eyed glare with steely determination at Sam. He was still slowly picking his words and slightly slurring, but that didn't minder the effect of his words.
"Dean, the room is right over there." Sam said with his most understanding tone, gesturing at one of the doors. "I'll just get you in there and come to get Cas. I'll have an eye on him all the time."
"No." Dean repeated, leaving no room for discussion. Sam looked back and forth between Dean and Cas, considering if he should attempt to steady each of them at the same time. He could, of course, but it would be very awkward. Why was Dean only making this so hard for him? But Sam didn't blame him. He understood.
"Dean," Cas said and continued speaking in Enochian. Sam really wanted to understand what he said. Dean answered, throwing a long string of heated words back at Cas. Sam was bewildered. Dean definitely had a different drawl than Cas, possibly an accent, but his speech was fast and sure, even if his voice was still shaky and hoarse, completely different to when he was speaking english.
Cas replied calmly to Dean's outburst, his gaze never leaving Dean's eyes. Then they just stared at each other for a moment. Sam waited, unsure what to do.
"Fine." Dean snarled, sending a last, angry glare at Cas. "Let's go."
Sam led him into the motel room without further protest, carefully helped him on one of the beds and went back immediately to get Cas. As soon as both were seated on their respective beds, Sam went to get their stuff.
Dean was speaking in enochian again as Sam reentered the room and Cas smiled slightly in response. Sam set down the duffle on the table with a thump.
"You know, it's kinda frustrating if I never understand what you guys say." he said, but his voice wasn't accusing. It was just weird to see his brother preferring angel speak to english. Besides, the way it looked, he would have to help him ease back into the normal world, and how should he do that if he didn't understand Dean most of times?
"He just told me how odd it is to see me without my wings." Cas explained.
"Oh, okay." Sam offered. He fished out a bottle of water, several glasses of baby food and sat down next to Dean with it.
"How do they look?" he asked Dean, wanting to get him to talk. He unscrewed the water bottle at the same time and handed it over to Dean.
Dean thought for a moment, staring at nothing. "Angelic." he finally offered. He sat the bottle to his mouth after that and downed the whole bottle with a few long gulps.
"Uhm, good." Sam said. He wasn't surprised that Dean was thirsty. Sam unscrewed the first glass of baby food and passed it over to Dean. Dean took it and started eating. His hands were shaky, but not as much as Cas' and he managed to eat without spilling. Sam was glad he didn't have to feed them. That would have been awkward. Dean hesitated a moment when the first spoon was in his mouth.
"'s good!" he said, staring to shovel the food into his mouth.
Sam watched in bewildered fascination. He had expected a hissy-fit, or a crude remark, or at least anything about the baby food. He was worried. It might be that Dean was simply to tired to be his loud, energetic self, but Sam doubted it. Dean had changed in purgatory.
"Dean, slow down." Sam said. "You'll puke if you eat to fast."
Dean's eyes wrinkled a bit. "Bitch." he said between two spoon full, not slowing down. And Sam was never so relieved to hear his most hated pet name. He chuckled and unscrewed the next glass to hand it over to Dean.
"Cas, you think you can eat some more?" Sam asked. Cas shook his head. Sam passed him a bottle of water instead.
Dean stomached six of the little baby food glasses. Sam thought that was good. He just hoped his brother wouldn't throw up. Sam finally gathered all the remains scattered across Dean's bed and handed him another bottle of water. Dean sipped on it more slowly.
"Okay. I know you are tired, but you both need to get cleaned up." Sam announced. Dean stopped sipping at the bottle, staring at Sam with an uncomfortable expression on his face.
"I'll try to make this as little awkward as possible, but it's necessary." Sam insisted.
"Okay, fine." Dean said. Sam took the water bottle from Dean, set it back on the table before helping Dean up and into the bath room.
Sam had expected a horrible sight. But that couldn't prepare him for the sight of his undressed brother. His limps where so thin that Sam was worried he would break them if he touched them at the wrong spot. Dean's thighs where not even as wide as Sam's forearms. Granted, Sam had broad forearms. A better comparison would be Dean's thighs weren't even as wide as Bobby's forearms had been.
But the starvation wasn't the only thing that shocked Sam. Dean's whole body was covered with older and newer scars, creating an eerie map that covered almost every inch of his body. Some were just thin white lines, while others were big and angry. Sam didn't dare to touch any of the bigger ones.
Sam tested the temperature of the tiny, crappy motel shower before he helped Dean sit down in it. He waited for Dean to clean himself, but helped again with getting him dry and out and into some new clothes. They didn't speak a word during the whole process. Dean hated every minute of it, Sam knew it. But his brother had not the strength to bitch. When they were finally finished, Sam thought he saw a glimpse of gratefulness in his brother's old eyes, but he couldn't tell for sure.
Cas shower went just the same way. Sam had to shake him several times since the angel's eyes started to drop while he was under the warm spray. At least, Cas didn't radiate an aura of discomfort around him like Dean had.
Sam was really tired by the time they were both clothed in fresh boxers and T-shirts. Sam hated how it exposed their vulnerable bony frame, but he wanted them to be comfortable in bed. Cas was asleep almost the moment his head hit the pillow. Dean watched as Sam tucked in the covers.
"You're tired, I'll take first watch." Dean suggested.
Sam went around and sat down on the couch. The motel only had rooms with two beds available.
"Don't be ridiculous, Dean." Sam said. "You need to recover."
Dean's old eyes contemplated him for a moment before he said, "Fine."
"Besides, we're safe here, we don't need a watch. I made sure of that."
Dean's eyes narrowed at that. "We always need a watch."
"Dean, you're not in purgatory anymore. Trust me, we don't need to stay awake."
Dean's eyes traveled over to Cas' sleeping form, then over to the window. His eyes were full of suspicion. His brother had been a long time in an environment that was so hostile that Sam couldn't even fathom it. The very idea of being safe was probably a foreign concept to him.
"You can't sleep if nobody watches." Sam finally understood.
Dean didn't reply, his eyes still narrowed as he stared out of the room. Keeping watch.
"Dean, how bad was it?" Sam asked with a deep, sympathetic frown.
"Cas was there." Dean answered, clearly with no intention to elaborate further.
Sam wondered what exactly Dean meant with that. It could mean anything. It could be good to have some backup. But Dean might blame himself that Cas got stuck in purgatory with him. Dean might have broken a little on the inside every time Cas got hurt. But still, Sam was glad that his brother hadn't been alone. A friendly face that Dean could rely on and speak to. Sam knew loneliness did horrible things to the human psyche. There was no way someone couldn't go insane if stuck alone in a cage of monsters.
"You didn't speak much english down there, right?" Sam inquired curiously.
Dean finally looked at him again and shrugged.
"Purgatory 's different. The only way I could tell Cas apart from monsters sometimes."
Sam remembered how long it had taken Dean to cut him with the silver blade. Purgatory was the monsters home. They might not be vulnerable to things that hurt them topside. Besides that, Sam didn't know if Dean had access to silver or borax. It made sense.
"Sleep, Dean." Sam said. "I'll keep watch."
"Okay, g'night"
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The next days passed way too slow. Sam kept taking care of the two others, waking them every few hours to feed them. They were sleeping almost the whole time, but Sam didn't get much sleep himself. He had to stay awake to "keep watch". Dean caught him once as he was almost falling asleep in his chair and had such a shit fit that Sam was worried it drained to much strength from him. Dean had even managed to wake up Cas, and the angel was always sleeping like a rock. It was thanks to Cas that Dean finally calmed down and tried to sleep again, although Sam noticed that Dean didn't sleep for at least two hours, constantly staring paranoid at their door. And Sam was right, he could see that Dean's hands started shaking again the next day.
It wasn't that Sam had much to do. He cooked light meals for them, kept sure they were okay, and watched as they slowly regained some strength. He calmed down Dean from time to time as he jumped at the noise from one of the neighbors, thinking it was a monster. That was always a drama. Sam often needed an hour to get coherent, english words out of Dean again. The problem was that Sam couldn't sleep longer than Dean managed to stay awake, since someone always had to keep watch.
After about a week, Sam was so tired he thought he could fall asleep where he stood.
"You look like shit." Dean said very helpfully. Sam grinned lazily.
"Still better than you."
Dean snorted amused. Things were slowly starting to look better again. Dean started to show some of his old manners, although he made overall a more mature impression on Sam. Or maybe that was only because he looked older. Dean and Cas were still so bony it hurt Sam to just look at them, but they managed to stay awake longer. It would take months for them to fully recover. Dean still hesitated sometimes when he talked, searching for words, but he slowly eased back into speaking english. But sometimes, he addressed Sam in enochian, threw a full load of words at him and just blinked when Sam looked at him with a blank face. It sometimes took him several attempts until he realised he was talking in the false language. But his english got more fluent again, and Sam noticed a slight accent had made it's way into Dean's speech, although it was diminishing with every day.
Two weeks had passed when Dean was finally strong enough to walk without Sam's help, even if he didn't manage more than to the bathroom and back. But Sam was so happy about this first break through that he suggested throwing a little party.
"A party?" Dean asked.
"Well, yeah. Uhm, maybe a beer for everyone?" Sam said. The idea suddenly didn't sound that good anymore. Dean and Cas were still to weak. But it was all about gestures, maybe he could make them something better to eat? Maybe even some red meat? They might be strong enough to handle it by now.
Dean looked at Cas with a question in his eyes.
"You… remember what a party is, right?" Sam asked with a falling face. Dean kept shocking him with his knowledge holes. Cas explained in enochian and Dean nodded when he understood.
"Sounds like a plan." he said to Sam. Sam sighed.
"Did you use english at all?" he asked incredulously.
"Nope."
Sam could only shake his head. When he had come back from hell, it had been different. It had felt like a long, terrible, vivid nightmare, one that he could not shake off, no matter how hard he tried. But his mind and his memories picked up exactly were he left. With purgatory, it was obviously different. It seemed almost like the life in purgatory had overwritten most of Dean's memories. He must have slowly forgotten how it had been before. Sam couldn't explain it differently.
"Dean, how do you feel?" Sam inquired.
"Okay. I can take watch for a few hours." Dean replied.
It was their little ritual. Whenever Sam needed to get something, Dean took it upon himself to keep watch. Not having anyone on watch was completely out of the question.
When Sam was out of the door, Cas laid a hand on Dean's arm.
"You know Sam is right?" he asked softly. Dean stared back at him bewildered.
"About what?"
"There is no need to keep watch here."
Dean stared back, rolling Cas' words in his mind. He just… couldn't… Even thinking about not having a watch was terrifying.
"Sam had taken every possible precaution. We were not attacked a single time."
"Yeah, I know." Dean fidgeted with his hands in his lap. "I just can't shake the feeling that something could come. The longer nothing happens, the more nervous I get. Cas, something comes always!"
"Not here." Cas answered softly. He grabbed Dean's hand to stop him from fidgeting and squeezed it reassuringly.
"You should trust Sam's judgement. He would never risk your life."
"I know, Cas." Dean said weakly. Maybe… just maybe… he should give it a try. If Cas said it was okay…
/-/
When Sam was came back home, Cas was asleep again in his bed. Dean sat next to him, his back propped against the headboard and staring out of the window, deep in thought. He was keeping watch, so much was sure, but his frown wasn't as deep and paranoid as it usually was. That was good, Sam thought.
"Look what I've got!" Sam announced gleefully, but not to loud since he didn't want to wake up Cas. He placed the shopping bags on the table and pulled out the contents.
"Flour." he announced, holding up the package. You could never knew how much Dean had forgotten.
"Eggs. Milk. Apples. Baking Soda. Sugar. Butter." He continued, holding everything up for Dean to see. He turned back to Dean, still with a gleeful grin in place and held up both hands.
"So?" Dean prompted with an arched eyebrow.
"Pie!" Sam announced. He was a little sad that Dean hadn't recognised the ingredients, but Sam half expected it. Not much pie in purgatory. Dean's eyes went astronomically wide and his yaw dropped.
"You're… making me pie?" he asked stunned. His lower lip started trembling and his eyes started wrinkling with barely contained emotion.
Oh, his brother was such a drama queen.
"Yes. I said we have to celebrate today." Sam grinned widely.
"I know you love me." Sam joked, turning back to the shopping bag and started stowing all the things away. By the time he looked back at Dean, his brother had a little more control back over his face. Sam smiled to himself. By the end of this day, Dean would be astonished. Sam had another little surprise in store.
Dean was so delighted by the pie idea that he didn't manage to get his much needed afternoon sleep. But Sam figured it was okay. It was good to see the young, boyish side of his brother again. Dean grinned almost the whole time while Sam baked, using a recipe Jess had taught him all those years ago. The memory of Jess still hurt. He remembered vividly how she held the bowl in her hands and mixed the ingredients for the dough, explaining every step. It was a long time ago, and now he was a different man, but Sam was sure it would never stop hurting.
"This smells so friggin' good!" Dean almost moaned when the smell of the baking pie filled the room. Sam was glad the little kitchenette of their motel room had an oven. He had asked for a kitchen when they first checked int.
Cas woke up and curiously lifted his nose into the air.
"Sam is making pie." Dean explained with a gleeful grin. His eyes were sparkling like Sam hadn't seen them in… like, way before the whole leviathan mess. Sam couldn't help but feel more lighthearted only by looking at his brother. Then something occurred to Sam… had Dean just spoken english voluntarily? To Cas? Dean never addressed Cas in anything other than enochian.
Huh. That must be a good sign.
When Dean started talking with Cas in enochian a few minutes later, Sam wasn't bothered by it for once.
/-/
A few hours later, Dean was impatiently eating his chicken soup. Sam watched amused.
"Pie. Now." Dean finally said, shoving the empty plate from him.
"Okay." Sam grinned and cut a small piece off for Dean.
"Not more?" Dean asked with big, hopeful eyes. Sam sighed.
"Sorry, Dean, we still have to go easy on your belly. The pie is not going anywhere, you can have more tomorrow."
Dean pouted and murmured something in enochian under his breath. Sam didn't need to understand it to know what it meant. Cas looked at the pie curiously. Dean surprised Sam yet again as he suddenly moved his plate over to Cas before he had even tried it himself.
"Here, try some."
Dean watched curiously as Cas slowly took the fork and tried the first bite.
"It's good." Cas said. Dean broke into a full grin. Sam took another plate and gave Dean another piece, rolling his eyes. Dean dug into it immediately, making pornographic sounds as he ate. Sam just grinned. As annoying as some of his brother's habits were, he couldn't be more glad to see his old self coming back.
When Dean was finished, he was so full and tired, Sam was almost afraid Dean would collapse from his chair. But there was one more thing.
"Hey Dean, I have to show you something." Sam announced. He helped Cas to his bed before he came back to help up Dean.
"Where are we going?" Dean asked.
"Just a step out." Sam said and guided Dean out into the motel parking lot. There, right next to their door, stood the familiar black beauty of a car. She was still damaged, but Dean had brought her back from worse.
Dean was stunned into silence. His fingers dug deeply into Sam's arm. Sam just waited amused.
"My… baby…" Dean muttered. His eyes were wide as saucers, and his lip started trembling again.
"Sam… I…" Dean muttered, but broke off, not knowing what to say.
"I knew you's remember her." Sam grinned. "She's grounded for now, but you can repair her again as soon as you're stronger."
"Thank you." Dean finally gritted out.
"Okay, now let's get you back in. You need your beauty sleep." Sam said after a while since Dean didn't stop staring mesmerized at his car.
Dean nodded reluctantly, and Sam led him back in. Dean hesitated as Sam wanted to tuck him into the covers.
"Sam, you don't need to keep watch tonight."
"What? You sure?" Sam asked surprised.
"Uhm. Yeah." Dean said slowly. "You can have my bed. I'll bunk with Cas."
Sam contemplated Dean for a second.
"You don't plan to stay awake the whole night?"
Dean shook his head.
"So there'll be no watch?" Sam prompted carefully.
"No… I guess." Dean answered. He didn't look very comfortable with the idea.
"Okay." Sam said. "If you're sure about this. I… uh… could use a good night's sleep for once."
"'m sure." Dean answered and already crossed the short distance between the two beds, sitting down on the edge of Cas' bed.
Sam helped him to get under the covers. There was plenty of space in the queen for their two narrow bodies, but still, sharing a bed was something very intimate to Sam. But the two had displayed such a closeness with each other, he wasn't even surprised.
"Good night, Dean."
"'g night, Sam."
Things were really starting to look up. Sam couldn't shake a happy feeling as he slowly drifted into the first full nights sleep in a very long time. Maybe, things would never be the same as before. Maybe, it would take years to get back on the road. But Sam was sure now that they would be okay.
FIN
to the sequel: with the mouth of a goat