Thanks Mimi!
There seems to have been some confusion regarding division of property
and space since we have broken up. YOU, hereafter referred to as the
Dumper, do not retain the same rights to such things as ME, hereafter
referred to as the Dumpee. Clearly the Dumpee has been wronged (except
in certain situations, see Section 1(b) below), and thus retains more
rights than the Dumper. To clarify, I have assembled a crack legal
team to outline this document, so that you will quit being a complete
and total prick. Actually, not all of these things apply to us, but
for the sake of friends, family, and members of the general public who
have also been Dumped, I've included other situations.
This document applies only to those relationships that involved terms
such as "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" not couples who have taken that
long argumentative road-trip that ends in the State of Matrimony.
Caveats have been made for engagement, as most rules still apply.
Section 3: The Friends
(a) The Dumpee gets the Friends. Sorry, dems da breaks. If you were
smart about picking your relationship, you were dating somebody who
was not from your immediate circle of friends, so when you Breakup,
you each go cry to your respective group and everything is dandy.
Unfortunately, many friends become Booty Calls, which can then become
That Girl I�m Sorta Dating, which can then become Your Girlfriend.
Relationships over one year also have a high incidence of Combined
Friends. Regardless, the Dumpee still gets the Friends! But there are
some details/exceptions/conditions associated with the possible future
division of Friends, so here they are:
Specifics of Division of Friends
(1) In the case of a Good Dumper, Split Custody is acceptable. Within
the first 6 months, a Good Dumper has the right to still hang out with
the Friends, but only if the Dumpee is not present. After 6 months, it
is acceptable for the Dumper to call the Dumpee and request mutual
access to the Friends. If Dumpee is amenable, the two may attend a
party or barbeque together with the Friends. The Good Dumper is at all
times aware of the Dumpee's feelings, and will be the first to leave
if things get awkward. After one year, expect normal
Friend-Dumper-Dumpee interactions to resume. If you got dumped by a
Good Dumper and you are all hanging out again after a year and you�re
totally cool and you're not strongly reconsidering getting back
together, then Damn. He's probably gay. That's cool that you guys are
still friends though. Maybe you can shop and stuff.
(2) In the case of a Bad Dumper, Visitation Rights are acceptable,
under some circumstances. Bad Dumper only retains Friendship Rights
with his or her Best Friend, and then, only at Best Friend�s
discretion. Everyone else is fully justified in telling you to piss
off. After one year, a Split Custody arrangement may be made, but Bad
Dumper is never to be allowed at a party that the Dumpee is attending.
This must be enforced strongly by Friends and the Dumpee.
(3) In the case of an Asshole, no rights are retained regarding the
Friends. Not even to the Best Friend. You fucked up but good, so now
go find yourself a bunch of shallow, selfish people just like
yourself, so you can all get drunk and stab each other in the back.
This also applies to such Dumpers described in Section 1; Article (b),
as those Dumpers who pose as Dumpees are especially despicable.
(b) Relationships with Friends after the Breakup
(1) Under NO circumstances is a Dumper allowed to sleep with any of
the Friends after the Breakup. ESPECIALLY the Dumpee�s Best Friend,
but truly, there are NO exceptions. Even if she says it�s okay. Even
if you guys have a long talk about it and she says it�s fine and she
wants you to be happy. You better take a good look at a girl�s Friends
before you get Committed, because if you would ever like to possibly
sleep with one of those girls, you should not enter into the
Relationship. Good Dumpers who break this rule can then be qualified
as Bad Dumpers. Sleeping with the Best Friend immediately qualifies
you as an Asshole. (Best Friend can also then be Broken Up With, and
most of the terms of this document apply.) Remember, Assholes are open
to justifiable destruction of property, and are often deserving of a
swift kick in the Balls.
(In case you didn't get it, this means I get the stuff, the friends
and the hangouts. Quit whining about your freaking sweatshirt and stay
the fuck away from me.)
* this is in or around My Ex
* no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other
commercial interests
Copyright (c) 2005 craigslist, inc.
and space since we have broken up. YOU, hereafter referred to as the
Dumper, do not retain the same rights to such things as ME, hereafter
referred to as the Dumpee. Clearly the Dumpee has been wronged (except
in certain situations, see Section 1(b) below), and thus retains more
rights than the Dumper. To clarify, I have assembled a crack legal
team to outline this document, so that you will quit being a complete
and total prick. Actually, not all of these things apply to us, but
for the sake of friends, family, and members of the general public who
have also been Dumped, I've included other situations.
This document applies only to those relationships that involved terms
such as "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" not couples who have taken that
long argumentative road-trip that ends in the State of Matrimony.
Caveats have been made for engagement, as most rules still apply.
Section 3: The Friends
(a) The Dumpee gets the Friends. Sorry, dems da breaks. If you were
smart about picking your relationship, you were dating somebody who
was not from your immediate circle of friends, so when you Breakup,
you each go cry to your respective group and everything is dandy.
Unfortunately, many friends become Booty Calls, which can then become
That Girl I�m Sorta Dating, which can then become Your Girlfriend.
Relationships over one year also have a high incidence of Combined
Friends. Regardless, the Dumpee still gets the Friends! But there are
some details/exceptions/conditions associated with the possible future
division of Friends, so here they are:
Specifics of Division of Friends
(1) In the case of a Good Dumper, Split Custody is acceptable. Within
the first 6 months, a Good Dumper has the right to still hang out with
the Friends, but only if the Dumpee is not present. After 6 months, it
is acceptable for the Dumper to call the Dumpee and request mutual
access to the Friends. If Dumpee is amenable, the two may attend a
party or barbeque together with the Friends. The Good Dumper is at all
times aware of the Dumpee's feelings, and will be the first to leave
if things get awkward. After one year, expect normal
Friend-Dumper-Dumpee interactions to resume. If you got dumped by a
Good Dumper and you are all hanging out again after a year and you�re
totally cool and you're not strongly reconsidering getting back
together, then Damn. He's probably gay. That's cool that you guys are
still friends though. Maybe you can shop and stuff.
(2) In the case of a Bad Dumper, Visitation Rights are acceptable,
under some circumstances. Bad Dumper only retains Friendship Rights
with his or her Best Friend, and then, only at Best Friend�s
discretion. Everyone else is fully justified in telling you to piss
off. After one year, a Split Custody arrangement may be made, but Bad
Dumper is never to be allowed at a party that the Dumpee is attending.
This must be enforced strongly by Friends and the Dumpee.
(3) In the case of an Asshole, no rights are retained regarding the
Friends. Not even to the Best Friend. You fucked up but good, so now
go find yourself a bunch of shallow, selfish people just like
yourself, so you can all get drunk and stab each other in the back.
This also applies to such Dumpers described in Section 1; Article (b),
as those Dumpers who pose as Dumpees are especially despicable.
(b) Relationships with Friends after the Breakup
(1) Under NO circumstances is a Dumper allowed to sleep with any of
the Friends after the Breakup. ESPECIALLY the Dumpee�s Best Friend,
but truly, there are NO exceptions. Even if she says it�s okay. Even
if you guys have a long talk about it and she says it�s fine and she
wants you to be happy. You better take a good look at a girl�s Friends
before you get Committed, because if you would ever like to possibly
sleep with one of those girls, you should not enter into the
Relationship. Good Dumpers who break this rule can then be qualified
as Bad Dumpers. Sleeping with the Best Friend immediately qualifies
you as an Asshole. (Best Friend can also then be Broken Up With, and
most of the terms of this document apply.) Remember, Assholes are open
to justifiable destruction of property, and are often deserving of a
swift kick in the Balls.
(In case you didn't get it, this means I get the stuff, the friends
and the hangouts. Quit whining about your freaking sweatshirt and stay
the fuck away from me.)
* this is in or around My Ex
* no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other
commercial interests
Copyright (c) 2005 craigslist, inc.