(no subject)
Something relatively small (and, really, insignificant), set me off yesterday. I ended up sitting on the phone crying to my mother for probably an hour. And with a friend for another bit of time too. I'm a little numb to it now, so I'm not going into uncontrolled hysterics anymore.
I'm thinking of skipping Freakout this year. It would be the first time I've missed Freakout, but I don't think I'm really in the right mindset for it. I've never been a huge fan of big crowds of people, but I think in my current state it'd be even worse, even though everyone there would be my friend. I know it's still a few weeks away, but I know what I would do if I went. I'd spend my entire time there following Tim around (at least until he told me to stop) trying to fix things. And right now, I don't think that's what he wants. Most of his complaints involve things that are (at least in my mind) probably impossible to fix long distance. But a weekend at RPI isn't going to provide the results I want it to. And as much as I want to see all my friends and have them hug me and tell me everything will be okay, I don't think seeing Tim is the solution I want it to be.
My mother offered to buy me a ticket to go down to Naples with them for a few days instead of going to New York. And I'm leaning toward taking her up on that offer. I'll still be thinking of Tim, but at least nothing there will be a constant reminder of him like there is in here, my parents' house and RPI.
I have to change my focus. And I don't think that will happen in Troy. I can't keep thinking about how I'm going to get Tim back. I have to stop thinking about how he's all I want. I need to start thinking about me. I need to make decisions based upon what will make me happy and make me better. And having Tim can't possibly be the only thing that makes me happy.
It's stupid of me to think that a 4-week hiatus will change Tim's mind or fix the complaints he has. All I want in the world right now is to see him and have hug me and say 'let's work it out.' But that's not going to happen anytime soon. If at all.
Oh, and take my survey so I can graduate: http://baerdissertation.jlauser.net
I'm thinking of skipping Freakout this year. It would be the first time I've missed Freakout, but I don't think I'm really in the right mindset for it. I've never been a huge fan of big crowds of people, but I think in my current state it'd be even worse, even though everyone there would be my friend. I know it's still a few weeks away, but I know what I would do if I went. I'd spend my entire time there following Tim around (at least until he told me to stop) trying to fix things. And right now, I don't think that's what he wants. Most of his complaints involve things that are (at least in my mind) probably impossible to fix long distance. But a weekend at RPI isn't going to provide the results I want it to. And as much as I want to see all my friends and have them hug me and tell me everything will be okay, I don't think seeing Tim is the solution I want it to be.
My mother offered to buy me a ticket to go down to Naples with them for a few days instead of going to New York. And I'm leaning toward taking her up on that offer. I'll still be thinking of Tim, but at least nothing there will be a constant reminder of him like there is in here, my parents' house and RPI.
I have to change my focus. And I don't think that will happen in Troy. I can't keep thinking about how I'm going to get Tim back. I have to stop thinking about how he's all I want. I need to start thinking about me. I need to make decisions based upon what will make me happy and make me better. And having Tim can't possibly be the only thing that makes me happy.
It's stupid of me to think that a 4-week hiatus will change Tim's mind or fix the complaints he has. All I want in the world right now is to see him and have hug me and say 'let's work it out.' But that's not going to happen anytime soon. If at all.
Oh, and take my survey so I can graduate: http://baerdissertation.jlauser.net