And, and, and. Meaning strikes, or lacks--without me knowing.
And in bed leaned against the wall, kicked at the wall, pushed on the wall. A cold wall. A new england wall. A world wall? Were all walls throughout the world like this wall? When you're trying to sleep and you're almost asleep and you have 4 hours before you need to wake and there is nothing in the room other than you, two desks, a roomate, and your own personal wall. What do you do? You look at the wall, you caress the wall. You ask how the wall is and wait for an answer. You make metaphors, a wall is blocking, stopping, stampeding with its denial of entrance. Like a forbidden lover, like a fortress barrier, where are those hole for guns? Defend the fucking wall! Or is it safety, safety, safe sturdy thing that we can all hide behind until I fall back asleep and get up in 4 hours.
And awake in the morning... the best morning, I had. I had to meet someone. Robert Morin. A crazy guy. I needed to be in a parking lot by 7:20. NEEDED to be there. ABSOLUTELY HAD to be there. No exceptions. I was tired and sleepy and half-awake and I was in the showerand I just sort of sat down, in the shower and meditated? Is that the word? A 30 second meditation, a centering of the self, a stablizing? And I did that and next fucking thing I knew I was outside of my apartment, walking. Walking. It was a shift of two worlds. The bed, to walking. Nothing in between except for a vague shower with blurry descriptions.
And it felt, so good, in some ways. But I get up early now, today, different days. I try to get the feeling again. At the gym by 7. But the feeling isn't there. I want the big shift. I want the strange twist I want to feel out of place to the point that I feel IN place. I mean--hard to say--I mean I want to be so far out there, there isn't a way for me to know if I belong or not: "Am I the type of person who wakes up at this time?"
And awake in the morning... the best morning, I had. I had to meet someone. Robert Morin. A crazy guy. I needed to be in a parking lot by 7:20. NEEDED to be there. ABSOLUTELY HAD to be there. No exceptions. I was tired and sleepy and half-awake and I was in the showerand I just sort of sat down, in the shower and meditated? Is that the word? A 30 second meditation, a centering of the self, a stablizing? And I did that and next fucking thing I knew I was outside of my apartment, walking. Walking. It was a shift of two worlds. The bed, to walking. Nothing in between except for a vague shower with blurry descriptions.
And it felt, so good, in some ways. But I get up early now, today, different days. I try to get the feeling again. At the gym by 7. But the feeling isn't there. I want the big shift. I want the strange twist I want to feel out of place to the point that I feel IN place. I mean--hard to say--I mean I want to be so far out there, there isn't a way for me to know if I belong or not: "Am I the type of person who wakes up at this time?"