Good lord, why isn't schizophrenic a mood option!?
My own emotional reaction to stimulus is never as simple as I would like it to be. The sum of my feelings on any given subject are cross-purpose. It's exhausting.
Decisions that were intended to make life easier and more focused are driving me to distraction. For instance, I've prioritized a few things. I've decided I'm going to work only enough hours to make enough money to pay for food and rent. The rest of my time will be devoted to finally getting the comic I've been writing for the past year (the astute observer will add, mentally, "without results"), off the ground. There! I've made it a priority. I've given myself purpose! I'm inspired! I will work on this one thing to the detriment of all others, and will do it without complaint, because I have rightly judged it to be more important than all other things. That's what priority means, don't you know?
Except that, in addition to the inspiration, focus, purpose, and other driving feelings of well-being, this move has sprung within me a flood of doubt, distraction, and self-sabotage. The reason I can so easily give this story I want to tell priority in my life is because my dream is to be able to tell it. But by pulling up my sleeves and getting down to concerted business, I've forced the realization that I've also never been closer to fucking up and killing my dream forever.
It's the same sad story. Is it not better to have dared and failed than to have had never dared at all? It's easy to chime, "Oh yes, daring is better!" when daring is the only thing on the table. But I find the question, "Is it better to dare and doubt and strive and curse and subvert and fail, or none of that stuff?" harder to answer. Hell, it's not immediately clear to me that daring-and-doubting-and-striving-and-cursing-and-subverting-and-succeeding is worth a whole lot either.
The good news? Success or failure - one of the two - is inevitable. I'll let you know how whichever one I land on feels. Ask around and I'm sure you'll find someone who can tell you what the weather is like at the other extreme.
Decisions that were intended to make life easier and more focused are driving me to distraction. For instance, I've prioritized a few things. I've decided I'm going to work only enough hours to make enough money to pay for food and rent. The rest of my time will be devoted to finally getting the comic I've been writing for the past year (the astute observer will add, mentally, "without results"), off the ground. There! I've made it a priority. I've given myself purpose! I'm inspired! I will work on this one thing to the detriment of all others, and will do it without complaint, because I have rightly judged it to be more important than all other things. That's what priority means, don't you know?
Except that, in addition to the inspiration, focus, purpose, and other driving feelings of well-being, this move has sprung within me a flood of doubt, distraction, and self-sabotage. The reason I can so easily give this story I want to tell priority in my life is because my dream is to be able to tell it. But by pulling up my sleeves and getting down to concerted business, I've forced the realization that I've also never been closer to fucking up and killing my dream forever.
It's the same sad story. Is it not better to have dared and failed than to have had never dared at all? It's easy to chime, "Oh yes, daring is better!" when daring is the only thing on the table. But I find the question, "Is it better to dare and doubt and strive and curse and subvert and fail, or none of that stuff?" harder to answer. Hell, it's not immediately clear to me that daring-and-doubting-and-striving-and-cursing-and-subverting-and-succeeding is worth a whole lot either.
The good news? Success or failure - one of the two - is inevitable. I'll let you know how whichever one I land on feels. Ask around and I'm sure you'll find someone who can tell you what the weather is like at the other extreme.