(no subject)
goddamn it. everyone remember to give me shit sometime soon. you can bring it in either a gift box or just plain telling me how inconsiderate and selfish i really am. no seriously. i thought things could be changed, fixed. i thought growth was possible and boundaries were breakable. maybe they still are. maybe i just lack the method, way, concept, or even plain good ol' fashioned ability to progress, grow, adapt, understand, comprehend. no, i just don't got it. i never will and i will always be stuck. stuck until i get pathetic enough, until i get pitied, until i forget about it, until no one recognizes it. fuck that, i don't even recognize it. how the fuck am i supposed to help people if i can't even help myself grow and absorb? why am i doing what i'm doing? why does any of it matter? this is the era where i learn to not expect things on a silver platter. its when i learn to magically materialize results with my own abilities. to influence and to absorb for the better, for growth, for progress. no i'm just stuck, i've got nothing, and my own mind has backfired on me. nothing can help me but myself but myself has died in the middle of the crossfire. as opposed to bringing positive effects, i bring nothing. nothing leads to backwardness and backwardness is what we know or what i regard as negative. why work hard when all its gonna do for me in return is lead back to the beginning? not even the beginning, its way before the beginning. i'm lost but i'm stuck. people who are stuck know where/what they're stuck in. somehow i'm kinda both and it doesn't make any fucking sense. i've got it though. i'm gonna do it. because maybe just once i'll have something accomplished in my life that is my own that will bring positive effects and will bring growth and progress to myself and others and beyond all that. i'm tired of letting people down, letting myself down, or just not making a difference. to all of you who have experienced the pain and annoyance and a FUCKING WASTE OF TIME that is ME, i apologize. i honestly strive for the better. all i ask is to just understand that i lack ability, and to keep faith and belief and support. i don't mean harm, but harm has been done, 10 times over and over and over and over. enough is enough. i'm done with this.