ive hardly left my house in 4 days...
much less the couch. i cannot fathom how people live like this...just sitting around. the health center says i have strep throat. fuck that. i thought i should have stopped drinking so much over break, but i just couldnt. it was so nice to be in atlanta with pirates and vegans and such. its nice to be in the company of people you know care about you. its rather vain, i suppose. it is comforting however, which i seems to be a position i am striving for more and more. ive been crazy and reckless, but lately i just want to be comfortable. comfortable with myself, with my friends, with the world. the latter is much less likely to come any time soon, so it goes.
im wondering now if it is selfish to want to be taken care of when you are sick. wanting care is a deep and natural human emotion, especially at times when you feel vulnerable. this is definitely something that has been lost upon every single one my friends here. granted everyone has shit going on, i understand. i have finals and 15 page papers due this week.. i get it. but like, nothing? i mean just check in and see if im ok? it just seems sad and i dont completely disregard my deathly friends and get drunk loudly in the next room when my friends are sick. much less, not talk to them when i drunkenly stumble in to have sex with my equally drunk boyfriend. so it goes.
i dont expect people to look beyond their own reality anymore. not until they trip i guess, i dont know. i cant relate to many people here, beyond our desires to get fucked so we dont have to deal with the encroaching reality. but then what? the only time my roommate, who i considered to be my best friend last year, talks to me is when she is wasted. and oh, she tells me how much she misses me and that she always loves me and that she worries about me, and do i do too many drugs? no, i just work harder than you, care more than you, and thus release more than you. but you get drunk all the time. and when you do - you smoke. because its ok then. boyfriend wont notice when hes drunk too. you get out of control. you are content in your simple world with your simple boyfriend and your simple subway.. and subsequently not talking to me. im not going to outreach to someone who doesnt want it and doesnt reciprocate my feelings. its sad. its so sad, im heartbroken. so it goes.
you cant rely on many people. and that is sad. its hard for me to accept because i still like to pretend that i have ti have this deep intrinsic faith in humanity. perhaps its why i work so hard for it? to save it? to change its path? i dont know. i wish i didnt say 'i dont know' so much. it makes me look flaky and unsure.i am sure of things, again why i care so much. the more this fucking extended higher education thing progresses the more i recognize the absolute necessity that i leave the country when its done. i just cant see myself staying here as confused as i am. i know what i want to do, i know how to do it, so ill just go. half the confusion and disillusionment is caused by the surroundings. just as it was in high school. while slightly more progressed, its not really different.
so as im incapacitated on the couch, im subsequently watching tv and despite the few heartfelt andy griffith and hitchcock presents reruns, i am completely disgusted. all of this disgust just now culiminated in a nasdaq commercial that used of montreal. i dont understand.
i am looking forward to december 14th. i will not work i will not stress i will play for a month, and then return to hell. so it goes.
its not hell, thats a lie. im overreatcing. it is hellish at the moment, however. and next semester, has not yet proved promising. its these expectations that get us, man. without them we're lost though.
im wondering now if it is selfish to want to be taken care of when you are sick. wanting care is a deep and natural human emotion, especially at times when you feel vulnerable. this is definitely something that has been lost upon every single one my friends here. granted everyone has shit going on, i understand. i have finals and 15 page papers due this week.. i get it. but like, nothing? i mean just check in and see if im ok? it just seems sad and i dont completely disregard my deathly friends and get drunk loudly in the next room when my friends are sick. much less, not talk to them when i drunkenly stumble in to have sex with my equally drunk boyfriend. so it goes.
i dont expect people to look beyond their own reality anymore. not until they trip i guess, i dont know. i cant relate to many people here, beyond our desires to get fucked so we dont have to deal with the encroaching reality. but then what? the only time my roommate, who i considered to be my best friend last year, talks to me is when she is wasted. and oh, she tells me how much she misses me and that she always loves me and that she worries about me, and do i do too many drugs? no, i just work harder than you, care more than you, and thus release more than you. but you get drunk all the time. and when you do - you smoke. because its ok then. boyfriend wont notice when hes drunk too. you get out of control. you are content in your simple world with your simple boyfriend and your simple subway.. and subsequently not talking to me. im not going to outreach to someone who doesnt want it and doesnt reciprocate my feelings. its sad. its so sad, im heartbroken. so it goes.
you cant rely on many people. and that is sad. its hard for me to accept because i still like to pretend that i have ti have this deep intrinsic faith in humanity. perhaps its why i work so hard for it? to save it? to change its path? i dont know. i wish i didnt say 'i dont know' so much. it makes me look flaky and unsure.i am sure of things, again why i care so much. the more this fucking extended higher education thing progresses the more i recognize the absolute necessity that i leave the country when its done. i just cant see myself staying here as confused as i am. i know what i want to do, i know how to do it, so ill just go. half the confusion and disillusionment is caused by the surroundings. just as it was in high school. while slightly more progressed, its not really different.
so as im incapacitated on the couch, im subsequently watching tv and despite the few heartfelt andy griffith and hitchcock presents reruns, i am completely disgusted. all of this disgust just now culiminated in a nasdaq commercial that used of montreal. i dont understand.
i am looking forward to december 14th. i will not work i will not stress i will play for a month, and then return to hell. so it goes.
its not hell, thats a lie. im overreatcing. it is hellish at the moment, however. and next semester, has not yet proved promising. its these expectations that get us, man. without them we're lost though.