puke puke then thank god i didn't have this child
so I was up all night and in order to stay awake today I have been doing everything i can think of. one of which happened to be read my "diary" from this last year. i found two times where "SHE" was "worried" about being pregnant, but from other people. i think of everything i did and gave to her and i feel like a bitch. she basically took my money and from what i wrote i can see that if we were ever "exclusive" it was for maybe two weeks. I am such a moron. i wanted to be able to move on, but i was really frustrated that my "great friend" of so many years was willing to walk away like i never existed. I now know why, because she was never mine, she used me from day one and then decided that i was not good enough to keep paying her bills and keeping her out of trouble.. ARRGH! if i wasn't so tired i wouuld be super pissed, but i also feel bad because i have written records of nearly everything we did and what she said, and i guess I was so blinded by the ways she made me stick around that i never saw what was actually going on.. I really wish i had never introduced her to my family now! i guess that is what the whole meaning of "BLINDED BY LOVE" is... we were trying to have a kid, she kept telling me "there Really needs to be little ERV's running around!" and i really wanted "little erv's" also, but thank god I must be sterile because otherwise i would probably be married to her today. thank god she has enough intregity to not sleep with me last time we were together. at the time I thought "WTF, you wake me up and call me out and ask me to stay overnight with your drunk ass and you are going to be an ass about sex, after teasing me and basically doing everything but" however now i am super happy we didn't do anything, because i know that her child is not mine and although i was all ready to be the supportive friend and try to help her anyway I could, not talking to me is the best thing i could of hoped for. i just hope she doesn't try to call me after the guy who impregnated her leaves. i know he will, and maybe she'll be ok her own mother had no man, left her father very voung. but now that i have seen the truth of things.... i feel sick, i know she'll call when shit gets bad and she remembers how "i was ready to do anything" for her. but now i only feel sorry for her child, i pray they will be ok but i am pretty sure they will not. the character just isn't there in either of them. i almost murdered the guy the first time i met him, but now i should thank him for saving me from a life of hell. unfortunately someone else will probably murder him first. i will stay out of it, and try like hell to avoid anything to do with either of them.. i just feel bad for her mother, she really was happy about the things i did for them, and i knor ARON's too much of a girl to get dirty or kill stuff, or even be a man. only thing he has going for him is he is one of those people who seem to have amazing muscle tone no matter what they do. i guess i am slightly jealous of him for taking my woman, but if she was never really mine, and if he has saved me from at least 18 years of probable hell, i shouldn't be. god my head is so badly wrapped up in this shit, i just wish i could wipe out the last year and remember nothing. my memory is bad enough anyway, so why not.. AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH ok so i have to stop and go run a while. before i start breaking stuff... god i really neeed my security job back. breaking heads for money ABSOULTLY kept my agression level down, except for the poor bastards who messed up in my bar! i managed to be really calm and peacefull. now i can feel the agression building and i guess i'll try to run it off!