The Case of the Audio Antagonist: Act 2
Been a while, so I'm posting act 1 here too.
Nigel & Nigel on the Radio!
Act 1
[NNHQ]
Hello, and welcome to yet another radio broadcast of Deduct Tape: The Nigel and Nigel Files, the murder mystery program set in England. That’s right, even though we’ve already brought you thousands of different Nigel and Nigel murder mysteries, we’ve dug deep into the primal collective unconscious to bring you yet another unique story. Let’s begin as we always do-by introducing the main characters.
Nigel Holstein is an idiot, but somehow is in charge.
Nigel Holstein: I want to be just like Sherlock Holmes when I grow up. Wait, I’m grown up now. Well, when I grow up more, then.
Nigel Crumbly is his slightly short-tempered, much smarter assistant/partner.
Nigel Crumbly: I’m in it for the money. Someday I’ll start my own company and make millions!
Barnaby Butterworth is the official police inspector who helps Nigel and Nigel out.
Barnaby Butterworth: I wish I could solve a crime by myself. How did I get to be Inspector anyway?
Inspector Snobbs is Barnaby’s sidekick. He does the menial tasks.
Snobbs: I could be a major character if only they gave me more lines!
Officer Lollygagger is a running joke because he’s never seen or heard.
(silence)
Now, on to the show.
It’s morning in Hamville, England, home of Nigel and Nigel. Another day, another crime to solve. It’s part of the Nigels’ routine. We open on our heroes having breakfast, featuring the most appropriate of grain products, English muffins.
Nigel Holstein: Nigel, these English muffins are terrific, aren’t they?
Nigel Crumbly: Oh yes, they’re the bloody best.
Nigel Holstein: Do you think if the muffins came from somewhere else, they’d still taste so splendid?
Nigel Crumbly: What, you mean if they were Scottish muffins?
(wah wahhhhhh)
Nigel Holstein: Did you hear that?
Nigel Crumbly: I believe it was a foghorn.
Unfortunately, every crime must have a victim. Unless, of course, it’s a victimless crime like prostitution. Ahh, prostitution. Something you won’t find in this broadcast. Unlike English muffins.
And so, we go to meet our victim in a suburban house in suburban Hamville…
[victim’s house]
Victim: I say, breakfast just wouldn’t be breakfast without English muffins. (sounds of eating) I sure do enjoy listening to myself eat! (doorbell) That was the doorbell! I think I’ll answer it. (heavy footsteps) I wonder why I’m wearing heavy-soled shoes indoors? Ah, here’s the door. I daresay I shall open it! (door opens) Hello there, kind visitor!
Killer (raspy disguised voice): Good morning, neighbour.
Victim: My word, you have an unusually raspy voice. Are you trying to disguise your identity? You are, aren’t you! You’re wearing a dark trenchcoat and a hat with a wide brim as well! I daresay no one would be able to identify you from any description I just gave-I mean, could give.
Killer: Get inside.
Victim: See here, now you’re pointing a gun at me!
And so, the killer forced the victim into his house at gunpoint and tied him to a chair in his kitchen.
Victim: I say, you’ve done a fair job of tying me to my own chair. Just look at me struggle! I’d make more noise struggling, except I don’t think you’d be able to tell it was the sound of struggling just by listening to it. What do you want from me, anyway?
(gunshot)
(pause)
Victim: That certainly was a loud gunshot. You got me! Yes, you shot me right in the stomach. I think I’m dying! What’s this? You’re taking off your hat and showing me your face? I daresay you want me to know who you are!
A most heinous and well-described crime indeed. Now we rejoin Nigel and Nigel some hours later as they’re about to hear of the crime we just witnessed.
[NNHQ]
Nigel Holstein: Nigel, how is it that whenever I solve the crime, it turns out that I’m wrong, but when you solve it you get it right?
Nigel Crumbly: It’s quite simple, Nigel. Whoever solves last, solves best.
Nigel Holstein: Really?
Nigel Crumbly: Yes. It’s a common saying.
Nigel Holstein: Hmm.
(phone rings)
Nigel Holstein: I’ll get it! (picks up phone) Cheerio. Nigel here.
Barnaby Butterworth (over phone): Hello, Nigel! Listen, I’ve got a case for you.
Nigel Holstein: Oh?
Barnaby Butterworth: Yes.
Nigel Holstein: Why don’t you tell me all about it?
Barnaby Butterworth: I’m about to. (short pause) All right, here it is. Clifford Jefferstone was murdered this morning.
Nigel Holstein: This morning, eh?
Barnaby Butterworth: Yes, probably around the time you were eating breakfast.
Nigel Crumbly: Nigel, who is it?
Nigel Holstein: It’s Barnaby. Somebody died again.
Nigel Crumbly: Murder again? Why is it that we never solve anything less severe than murder?
Nigel Holstein: I dunno.
Nigel Crumbly: Ask Barnaby why he didn’t have us cover that bank robbery last week.
Nigel Holstein: Hey Barnaby, Nigel asks how come you don’t ask us to solve robberies and such?
(pause)
Barnaby Butterworth: Tell him he’s a bastard.
Nigel Holstein: He says you’re a bastard.
Nigel Crumbly: (sighs) Jolly good then. Get directions and tell him we’ll meet him at the crime scene.
Nigel Holstein: Nigel says to call someone named Directions. We’ll meet him at the crime scene. (hangs up) Let’s go.
One fixed misunderstanding and plenty of minutes later, Nigel and Nigel arrive at the scene of the crime.
Nigel Holstein: Just look at this house, Nigel! It’s so ordinary!
Nigel Crumbly: Indeed. There’s absolutely no need to describe it.
Barnaby Butterworth: Ah, there you are. Hello, Nigel. Nigel.
Nigel Holstein, Nigel Crumbly: Barnaby.
Nigel Crumbly: What do we know about the victim?
Barnaby Butterworth: Schoolteacher, thirty-four. Lived alone, kept mostly to himself. A real loner.
Nigel Crumbly: Nigel, why aren’t you a loner?
Nigel Holstein: Huh?
Nigel Crumbly: Never mind.
Nigel Holstein: Jolly good then. Let’s search the scene crime. I mean, crime scene.
The three protagonists enter the victim’s ordinary-looking house.
Barnaby Butterworth: As you can see, the perpetrator tied him up and shot him. Once in the belly, once in the head.
Nigel Crumbly: Was anything taken?
Barnaby Butterworth: Snobbs?
Snobbs: Doesn’t look like it.
Nigel Holstein: Could it have been suicide?
Nigel Crumbly: Since he was tied up, and there is no gun in sight, I think not.
Nigel Holstein: Well, it looks like he led a lonely life. Oh, wait, never mind. He has a microwave.
Nigel Crumbly: This definitely doesn’t look like a burglary gone awry.
Nigel Holstein: Gone where?
Nigel Crumbly: Bad.
Nigel Holstein: Oh.
Barnaby Butterworth: We’ll have to talk to his coworkers, try to find out if he had any enemies.
Nigel Crumbly: Indeed.
Snobbs: Barnaby!
Barnaby Butterworth: What is it, Snobbs?
Snobbs: Officer Lollygagger found a witness.
And now for our commercial break.
English muffins.
End Act 1
Act 2
Barnaby Butterworth: Nigel, Nigel, you two go to the school where Jefferstone worked and ask around. See if he had any enemies. I’ll stay here and continue investigating the crime scene.
Nigel Holstein: Who’s Jefferstone?
Nigel Crumbly: Nigel, he’s the victim!
Nigel Holstein: Are you sure?
Nigel Crumbly: Yes.
Nigel Holstein: Right. Off to school it is then.
And so, Nigel and Nigel embark on an epic journey to Bingo Grammar School that passes without incident. They… they’re at the school now.
Nigel Holstein: Ah, school. It’s been a long time, my arch-imney.
Nigel Crumbly: Your what?
Nigel Holstein: Arch-enemy. I said arch-enemy.
Nigel Crumbly: Your arch-enemy is school?
Nigel Holstein: Yes. What’s yours?
Nigel Crumbly (darkly): A certain man… I swore revenge on long ago.
Nigel Holstein: Right. Well, I swore revenge on school, and now I’m going to get it! GYAHHH!!!
(combat sounds)
Nigel Crumbly: Nigel, stop attacking the school!
Nigel Holstein: I’ll teach you not to not teach me!
Nigel Crumbly: Nigel, stop it!
(sounds of struggling)
Nigel Crumbly: Are you daft? Remember why we’re here.
Nigel Holstein: It’s too late! I forgot already.
Nigel Crumbly: Just follow me.
(footsteps)
Headmaster: Good day, gentlemen. How can I help you?
Nigel Crumbly: Are you the principal of this school?
Headmaster: Yes. It’s “Headmaster,” actually.
Nigel Holstein: Do you know why we’re here?
Headmaster: I imagine you’re inquiring about Clifford Jefferstone. I heard about his death somehow; it’s very tragic.
Nigel Holstein: Oh, is that it? Jolly good.
Nigel Crumbly: What can you tell us about Mr. Jefferstone, Headmaster?
Headmaster: He was an excellent teacher. Got along wonderfully with his students.
Nigel Crumbly: What about other teachers?
Headmaster: Not so well, I’m afraid. He didn’t talk much at all. Except, recently he made more of an effort to start conversations. And he started describing everything that was happening. Almost like he was… narrating.
Nigel Holstein: Hmm… that’s interesting.
Nigel Crumbly: So would you say he had few friends?
Headmaster: Yes. In fact, I think he may not have had any close friends.
Nigel Holstein. Poor bugger.
Headmaster: I beg your pardon?
Nigel Holstein: What?
Headmaster: That is inappropriate language for the inside of a school, sir.
Nigel Holstein: Oh. Bugger me, sorry about that.
Nigel Crumbly: (clears throat) Headmaster, what about enemies? Did Mr. Jefferstone have many of those?
Headmaster: No, I’m sure. He may not have been the friendliest of persons, but Clifford was always polite and courteous. Disgustingly so, in fact.
Nigel Crumbly: Who would you say knew him best?
Headmaster: Oh, I would have to say… Douglas Mint-he teaches fourth grade-and George Plumberton, the janitor.
Nigel Holstein: The janitor?
Headmaster: Yes. When you take out someone’s trash you can get to know them quite well, you know.
Nigel Crumbly: Well, thank you for your cooperation. If you think of anything else, please ring us at this number.
Headmaster: Jolly good.
Nigel Holstein: Jolly good.
(footsteps as the headmaster walks away.)
Nigel Holstein: Nigel, let’s split up. We can find the killer faster that way.
Nigel Crumbly: Whatever. I’ll question this Mint fellow; you take the janitor.
Soon thereafter, Nigel Crumbly enters the classroom of Douglas Mint, while Nigel Holstein ventures into the metaphorical bowels of the school to find the janitor.
Nigel Crumbly: Excuse me, are you Mr. Mint?
Douglas Mint: Why, yes I am. And how did you find your way to my little classroom?
Nigel Crumbly: I saw all the drawings lined up on the wall outside, and I deduced from your name on them that you would be in here. Since you are the only adult in the room, I must conclude that you are Mr. Mint. I’d like to ask you a few questions about your colleague Mr. Jefferstone.
Douglas Mint: Oh? Are you with the police?
Nigel Crumbly: More or less.
Douglas Mint: Well, class, it seems we have a guest from the police department here with us. Let’s learn about the investigatory process while he interrogates me.
Nigel Crumbly: Actually, Mr. Mint, I’d like to speak with you in private…
Douglas Mint: Nonsense! Anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of these twenty-five impressionable young ten year-olds.
Nigel Crumbly: Very well.
Douglas Mint: Ah, Officer. Just a moment. (to class) Class, do you all remember Mr. Jefferstone from down the hall?
Chorus of Children: Yes.
Douglas Mint: Well, he’s dead. Can anyone tell me what dead means?
Boy #1: Means he went to Hell.
Douglas Mint: That’s right. (to Nigel Crumbly) Continue.
Nigel Crumbly: Mr. Mint, did Mr. Jefferstone have any enemies that you know of?
Douglas Mint: No, not at all. … Yes, John?
Boy #2: I saw Rupert put a whoopee cushion on Mr. Jefferstone’s chair last year.
Girl #1: Tattletale!
(beating sounds ensue)
Nigel Crumbly: I very much doubt Rupert is the killer. Jefferstone was shot in the face. If a short person such as a child shot him, the bullet would have come out the top of his head, splattering his brain matter and skull fragments on the ceiling.
(beating sounds stop)
Girl #2: Eww! Gross!
(beating sounds resume)
Douglas Mint: Clifford didn’t have any enemies. He was so polite. He wasn’t exactly sociable, but pleasant enough when you didn’t notice him. I can’t imagine anyone would want him dead!
Nigel Crumbly: Did you see him outside the workplace often?
Douglas Mint: I’d see him around. We both frequent a lot of the same stores.
Meanwhile, in the dark rectum of the elementary school…
Nigel Holstein: I’ll ask you one last time. If you don’t give me a simple answer, I’ll ask you one more last time.
Janitor: That’s what you said last time!
Nigel Holstein: I’m asking the questions here! Now… for the last time… are you daft?
Janitor: No.
Nigel Holstein: Why can’t you give me a straight answer?
Janitor: Look, how much straighter can I get than ‘no?’
Nigel Holstein: Don’t be such a smart-ass. Who killed Jefferson?
Janitor: You mean Jefferstone.
Nigel Holstein: I’m asking the questions here!
Janitor: I don’t know who killed him.
Nigel Crumbly: What’s going on here?
Nigel Holstein: I’m asking the questions here!
Nigel Crumbly: Not anymore, you’re not. (softly) Nigel, I have something to tell you.
Nigel Holstein: (softly) What?
Nigel Crumbly: Behind this school… there’s a playground.
Nigel Holstein: A playground?! (receding footsteps)
Nigel Crumbly: Now… Mr. Janitor. What can you tell me about Clifford Jefferstone other than that he was quiet, polite, had no enemies, and kept to himself?
Janitor: He was seeing a therapist.
Nigel Crumbly: Oh?
Janitor: Yes. I found an appointment card in the trash one day.
Nigel Crumbly: Where can I find this therapist?
Janitor: Let me think… ah, yes. His name-
Boring! Let’s skip ahead to the part where Nigel and Nigel are at the therapist’s office.
Nigel Holstein: Hello, doctor therapist.
Therapist: Good day.
Boring! Let’s cut to commercial.
End Act 2
Nigel & Nigel on the Radio!
Act 1
[NNHQ]
Hello, and welcome to yet another radio broadcast of Deduct Tape: The Nigel and Nigel Files, the murder mystery program set in England. That’s right, even though we’ve already brought you thousands of different Nigel and Nigel murder mysteries, we’ve dug deep into the primal collective unconscious to bring you yet another unique story. Let’s begin as we always do-by introducing the main characters.
Nigel Holstein is an idiot, but somehow is in charge.
Nigel Holstein: I want to be just like Sherlock Holmes when I grow up. Wait, I’m grown up now. Well, when I grow up more, then.
Nigel Crumbly is his slightly short-tempered, much smarter assistant/partner.
Nigel Crumbly: I’m in it for the money. Someday I’ll start my own company and make millions!
Barnaby Butterworth is the official police inspector who helps Nigel and Nigel out.
Barnaby Butterworth: I wish I could solve a crime by myself. How did I get to be Inspector anyway?
Inspector Snobbs is Barnaby’s sidekick. He does the menial tasks.
Snobbs: I could be a major character if only they gave me more lines!
Officer Lollygagger is a running joke because he’s never seen or heard.
(silence)
Now, on to the show.
It’s morning in Hamville, England, home of Nigel and Nigel. Another day, another crime to solve. It’s part of the Nigels’ routine. We open on our heroes having breakfast, featuring the most appropriate of grain products, English muffins.
Nigel Holstein: Nigel, these English muffins are terrific, aren’t they?
Nigel Crumbly: Oh yes, they’re the bloody best.
Nigel Holstein: Do you think if the muffins came from somewhere else, they’d still taste so splendid?
Nigel Crumbly: What, you mean if they were Scottish muffins?
(wah wahhhhhh)
Nigel Holstein: Did you hear that?
Nigel Crumbly: I believe it was a foghorn.
Unfortunately, every crime must have a victim. Unless, of course, it’s a victimless crime like prostitution. Ahh, prostitution. Something you won’t find in this broadcast. Unlike English muffins.
And so, we go to meet our victim in a suburban house in suburban Hamville…
[victim’s house]
Victim: I say, breakfast just wouldn’t be breakfast without English muffins. (sounds of eating) I sure do enjoy listening to myself eat! (doorbell) That was the doorbell! I think I’ll answer it. (heavy footsteps) I wonder why I’m wearing heavy-soled shoes indoors? Ah, here’s the door. I daresay I shall open it! (door opens) Hello there, kind visitor!
Killer (raspy disguised voice): Good morning, neighbour.
Victim: My word, you have an unusually raspy voice. Are you trying to disguise your identity? You are, aren’t you! You’re wearing a dark trenchcoat and a hat with a wide brim as well! I daresay no one would be able to identify you from any description I just gave-I mean, could give.
Killer: Get inside.
Victim: See here, now you’re pointing a gun at me!
And so, the killer forced the victim into his house at gunpoint and tied him to a chair in his kitchen.
Victim: I say, you’ve done a fair job of tying me to my own chair. Just look at me struggle! I’d make more noise struggling, except I don’t think you’d be able to tell it was the sound of struggling just by listening to it. What do you want from me, anyway?
(gunshot)
(pause)
Victim: That certainly was a loud gunshot. You got me! Yes, you shot me right in the stomach. I think I’m dying! What’s this? You’re taking off your hat and showing me your face? I daresay you want me to know who you are!
A most heinous and well-described crime indeed. Now we rejoin Nigel and Nigel some hours later as they’re about to hear of the crime we just witnessed.
[NNHQ]
Nigel Holstein: Nigel, how is it that whenever I solve the crime, it turns out that I’m wrong, but when you solve it you get it right?
Nigel Crumbly: It’s quite simple, Nigel. Whoever solves last, solves best.
Nigel Holstein: Really?
Nigel Crumbly: Yes. It’s a common saying.
Nigel Holstein: Hmm.
(phone rings)
Nigel Holstein: I’ll get it! (picks up phone) Cheerio. Nigel here.
Barnaby Butterworth (over phone): Hello, Nigel! Listen, I’ve got a case for you.
Nigel Holstein: Oh?
Barnaby Butterworth: Yes.
Nigel Holstein: Why don’t you tell me all about it?
Barnaby Butterworth: I’m about to. (short pause) All right, here it is. Clifford Jefferstone was murdered this morning.
Nigel Holstein: This morning, eh?
Barnaby Butterworth: Yes, probably around the time you were eating breakfast.
Nigel Crumbly: Nigel, who is it?
Nigel Holstein: It’s Barnaby. Somebody died again.
Nigel Crumbly: Murder again? Why is it that we never solve anything less severe than murder?
Nigel Holstein: I dunno.
Nigel Crumbly: Ask Barnaby why he didn’t have us cover that bank robbery last week.
Nigel Holstein: Hey Barnaby, Nigel asks how come you don’t ask us to solve robberies and such?
(pause)
Barnaby Butterworth: Tell him he’s a bastard.
Nigel Holstein: He says you’re a bastard.
Nigel Crumbly: (sighs) Jolly good then. Get directions and tell him we’ll meet him at the crime scene.
Nigel Holstein: Nigel says to call someone named Directions. We’ll meet him at the crime scene. (hangs up) Let’s go.
One fixed misunderstanding and plenty of minutes later, Nigel and Nigel arrive at the scene of the crime.
Nigel Holstein: Just look at this house, Nigel! It’s so ordinary!
Nigel Crumbly: Indeed. There’s absolutely no need to describe it.
Barnaby Butterworth: Ah, there you are. Hello, Nigel. Nigel.
Nigel Holstein, Nigel Crumbly: Barnaby.
Nigel Crumbly: What do we know about the victim?
Barnaby Butterworth: Schoolteacher, thirty-four. Lived alone, kept mostly to himself. A real loner.
Nigel Crumbly: Nigel, why aren’t you a loner?
Nigel Holstein: Huh?
Nigel Crumbly: Never mind.
Nigel Holstein: Jolly good then. Let’s search the scene crime. I mean, crime scene.
The three protagonists enter the victim’s ordinary-looking house.
Barnaby Butterworth: As you can see, the perpetrator tied him up and shot him. Once in the belly, once in the head.
Nigel Crumbly: Was anything taken?
Barnaby Butterworth: Snobbs?
Snobbs: Doesn’t look like it.
Nigel Holstein: Could it have been suicide?
Nigel Crumbly: Since he was tied up, and there is no gun in sight, I think not.
Nigel Holstein: Well, it looks like he led a lonely life. Oh, wait, never mind. He has a microwave.
Nigel Crumbly: This definitely doesn’t look like a burglary gone awry.
Nigel Holstein: Gone where?
Nigel Crumbly: Bad.
Nigel Holstein: Oh.
Barnaby Butterworth: We’ll have to talk to his coworkers, try to find out if he had any enemies.
Nigel Crumbly: Indeed.
Snobbs: Barnaby!
Barnaby Butterworth: What is it, Snobbs?
Snobbs: Officer Lollygagger found a witness.
And now for our commercial break.
English muffins.
End Act 1
Act 2
Barnaby Butterworth: Nigel, Nigel, you two go to the school where Jefferstone worked and ask around. See if he had any enemies. I’ll stay here and continue investigating the crime scene.
Nigel Holstein: Who’s Jefferstone?
Nigel Crumbly: Nigel, he’s the victim!
Nigel Holstein: Are you sure?
Nigel Crumbly: Yes.
Nigel Holstein: Right. Off to school it is then.
And so, Nigel and Nigel embark on an epic journey to Bingo Grammar School that passes without incident. They… they’re at the school now.
Nigel Holstein: Ah, school. It’s been a long time, my arch-imney.
Nigel Crumbly: Your what?
Nigel Holstein: Arch-enemy. I said arch-enemy.
Nigel Crumbly: Your arch-enemy is school?
Nigel Holstein: Yes. What’s yours?
Nigel Crumbly (darkly): A certain man… I swore revenge on long ago.
Nigel Holstein: Right. Well, I swore revenge on school, and now I’m going to get it! GYAHHH!!!
(combat sounds)
Nigel Crumbly: Nigel, stop attacking the school!
Nigel Holstein: I’ll teach you not to not teach me!
Nigel Crumbly: Nigel, stop it!
(sounds of struggling)
Nigel Crumbly: Are you daft? Remember why we’re here.
Nigel Holstein: It’s too late! I forgot already.
Nigel Crumbly: Just follow me.
(footsteps)
Headmaster: Good day, gentlemen. How can I help you?
Nigel Crumbly: Are you the principal of this school?
Headmaster: Yes. It’s “Headmaster,” actually.
Nigel Holstein: Do you know why we’re here?
Headmaster: I imagine you’re inquiring about Clifford Jefferstone. I heard about his death somehow; it’s very tragic.
Nigel Holstein: Oh, is that it? Jolly good.
Nigel Crumbly: What can you tell us about Mr. Jefferstone, Headmaster?
Headmaster: He was an excellent teacher. Got along wonderfully with his students.
Nigel Crumbly: What about other teachers?
Headmaster: Not so well, I’m afraid. He didn’t talk much at all. Except, recently he made more of an effort to start conversations. And he started describing everything that was happening. Almost like he was… narrating.
Nigel Holstein: Hmm… that’s interesting.
Nigel Crumbly: So would you say he had few friends?
Headmaster: Yes. In fact, I think he may not have had any close friends.
Nigel Holstein. Poor bugger.
Headmaster: I beg your pardon?
Nigel Holstein: What?
Headmaster: That is inappropriate language for the inside of a school, sir.
Nigel Holstein: Oh. Bugger me, sorry about that.
Nigel Crumbly: (clears throat) Headmaster, what about enemies? Did Mr. Jefferstone have many of those?
Headmaster: No, I’m sure. He may not have been the friendliest of persons, but Clifford was always polite and courteous. Disgustingly so, in fact.
Nigel Crumbly: Who would you say knew him best?
Headmaster: Oh, I would have to say… Douglas Mint-he teaches fourth grade-and George Plumberton, the janitor.
Nigel Holstein: The janitor?
Headmaster: Yes. When you take out someone’s trash you can get to know them quite well, you know.
Nigel Crumbly: Well, thank you for your cooperation. If you think of anything else, please ring us at this number.
Headmaster: Jolly good.
Nigel Holstein: Jolly good.
(footsteps as the headmaster walks away.)
Nigel Holstein: Nigel, let’s split up. We can find the killer faster that way.
Nigel Crumbly: Whatever. I’ll question this Mint fellow; you take the janitor.
Soon thereafter, Nigel Crumbly enters the classroom of Douglas Mint, while Nigel Holstein ventures into the metaphorical bowels of the school to find the janitor.
Nigel Crumbly: Excuse me, are you Mr. Mint?
Douglas Mint: Why, yes I am. And how did you find your way to my little classroom?
Nigel Crumbly: I saw all the drawings lined up on the wall outside, and I deduced from your name on them that you would be in here. Since you are the only adult in the room, I must conclude that you are Mr. Mint. I’d like to ask you a few questions about your colleague Mr. Jefferstone.
Douglas Mint: Oh? Are you with the police?
Nigel Crumbly: More or less.
Douglas Mint: Well, class, it seems we have a guest from the police department here with us. Let’s learn about the investigatory process while he interrogates me.
Nigel Crumbly: Actually, Mr. Mint, I’d like to speak with you in private…
Douglas Mint: Nonsense! Anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of these twenty-five impressionable young ten year-olds.
Nigel Crumbly: Very well.
Douglas Mint: Ah, Officer. Just a moment. (to class) Class, do you all remember Mr. Jefferstone from down the hall?
Chorus of Children: Yes.
Douglas Mint: Well, he’s dead. Can anyone tell me what dead means?
Boy #1: Means he went to Hell.
Douglas Mint: That’s right. (to Nigel Crumbly) Continue.
Nigel Crumbly: Mr. Mint, did Mr. Jefferstone have any enemies that you know of?
Douglas Mint: No, not at all. … Yes, John?
Boy #2: I saw Rupert put a whoopee cushion on Mr. Jefferstone’s chair last year.
Girl #1: Tattletale!
(beating sounds ensue)
Nigel Crumbly: I very much doubt Rupert is the killer. Jefferstone was shot in the face. If a short person such as a child shot him, the bullet would have come out the top of his head, splattering his brain matter and skull fragments on the ceiling.
(beating sounds stop)
Girl #2: Eww! Gross!
(beating sounds resume)
Douglas Mint: Clifford didn’t have any enemies. He was so polite. He wasn’t exactly sociable, but pleasant enough when you didn’t notice him. I can’t imagine anyone would want him dead!
Nigel Crumbly: Did you see him outside the workplace often?
Douglas Mint: I’d see him around. We both frequent a lot of the same stores.
Meanwhile, in the dark rectum of the elementary school…
Nigel Holstein: I’ll ask you one last time. If you don’t give me a simple answer, I’ll ask you one more last time.
Janitor: That’s what you said last time!
Nigel Holstein: I’m asking the questions here! Now… for the last time… are you daft?
Janitor: No.
Nigel Holstein: Why can’t you give me a straight answer?
Janitor: Look, how much straighter can I get than ‘no?’
Nigel Holstein: Don’t be such a smart-ass. Who killed Jefferson?
Janitor: You mean Jefferstone.
Nigel Holstein: I’m asking the questions here!
Janitor: I don’t know who killed him.
Nigel Crumbly: What’s going on here?
Nigel Holstein: I’m asking the questions here!
Nigel Crumbly: Not anymore, you’re not. (softly) Nigel, I have something to tell you.
Nigel Holstein: (softly) What?
Nigel Crumbly: Behind this school… there’s a playground.
Nigel Holstein: A playground?! (receding footsteps)
Nigel Crumbly: Now… Mr. Janitor. What can you tell me about Clifford Jefferstone other than that he was quiet, polite, had no enemies, and kept to himself?
Janitor: He was seeing a therapist.
Nigel Crumbly: Oh?
Janitor: Yes. I found an appointment card in the trash one day.
Nigel Crumbly: Where can I find this therapist?
Janitor: Let me think… ah, yes. His name-
Boring! Let’s skip ahead to the part where Nigel and Nigel are at the therapist’s office.
Nigel Holstein: Hello, doctor therapist.
Therapist: Good day.
Boring! Let’s cut to commercial.
End Act 2