(no subject)
I dont think I have been this upset in a long time. I am literally sick to my stomach and I am having a very difficult time stopping myself from vomiting.
at the moment my current dilema is that my mother said I could have MY bonds. I am in a bad financial situation seeing as I no longer have any sort of a family; they all just left me to carry on with their lives. I needed the money to get my car fixed so it would be easier for me to get a job in Bay City. Well come to find out my mother paid off a bill of mine without asking me first. with MY money. and then continued to tell me that I cant drive my car without insurance. OH so now you want to be a part of my life? when you can control what I can and cant do? but yet she already sent someone to start working on my car... why is the fuck would I pay to get my car fixed if I am not allowed to drive it? and I am sorry are we forgeting I no longer live with you and that I am not a child and I make my own decisions? she also involed my father and my step-mother who a few months back told me to kindly FUCK OFF and have yet to contact me since. Why would I want them involed? so she basically threw my money at me and told me not to contact her anymore. in the process of throwing my money at me she lost $50. thanks.. like I didnt need that.
on top of that I am a drunken idiot and in the past 3 days I manager to ruin anything that ever could have happened between Chris and I. Im not getting into specifics but needless to say I have no choice but to scurry away with my tail between my legs. and if you know me well I NEVER do that especally when it has to do with a boy.
in general I am just depressed at my situation as a whole. I live in a city I hate and have the worst luck getting a job. everyday I wake up wishing I hadent. I have lost most of the material things that I thought were important to me. I am trying desperatly to get back on my feet but its proving harder and harder as days go by. I no longer take xanax ever but I think I am going to need a few if I want to make it through the rest of the night.
the only option that gives me even a little bit of hope is I do have enough money to get to Florida to stay with Missy. There I can start over completely and hopefully make due with what I have. I have yet to talk to her though.
its getting to the point where I think most of the time I am better off dead.
at the moment my current dilema is that my mother said I could have MY bonds. I am in a bad financial situation seeing as I no longer have any sort of a family; they all just left me to carry on with their lives. I needed the money to get my car fixed so it would be easier for me to get a job in Bay City. Well come to find out my mother paid off a bill of mine without asking me first. with MY money. and then continued to tell me that I cant drive my car without insurance. OH so now you want to be a part of my life? when you can control what I can and cant do? but yet she already sent someone to start working on my car... why is the fuck would I pay to get my car fixed if I am not allowed to drive it? and I am sorry are we forgeting I no longer live with you and that I am not a child and I make my own decisions? she also involed my father and my step-mother who a few months back told me to kindly FUCK OFF and have yet to contact me since. Why would I want them involed? so she basically threw my money at me and told me not to contact her anymore. in the process of throwing my money at me she lost $50. thanks.. like I didnt need that.
on top of that I am a drunken idiot and in the past 3 days I manager to ruin anything that ever could have happened between Chris and I. Im not getting into specifics but needless to say I have no choice but to scurry away with my tail between my legs. and if you know me well I NEVER do that especally when it has to do with a boy.
in general I am just depressed at my situation as a whole. I live in a city I hate and have the worst luck getting a job. everyday I wake up wishing I hadent. I have lost most of the material things that I thought were important to me. I am trying desperatly to get back on my feet but its proving harder and harder as days go by. I no longer take xanax ever but I think I am going to need a few if I want to make it through the rest of the night.
the only option that gives me even a little bit of hope is I do have enough money to get to Florida to stay with Missy. There I can start over completely and hopefully make due with what I have. I have yet to talk to her though.
its getting to the point where I think most of the time I am better off dead.