It's so damn cold, it's just not true.
Time needs to pass faster sometimes. The summer will be better, right? Next year, next decade, tomorrow will be better, right?
A few of my old, day-to-day emotional/mental/spiritual maladies have started returning. I guess, in the context of my recent past, that's a good thing. A semblance of "normalcy".
Feelings of wishing I wasn't in this particular space-time continuum- despite the many joys and immense amount of beauty my life. Can't help, always felt, like I missed what was supposed to be MY train a long time ago. Those creeping creatures that you told yourself were adolescent hormones acting up sometimes stick around.
And (If I may)- you can recover emotional stability. You can compromise a new outlook on life. You can go to shows, and get drunk, and find a really great guy, and grow...but...you're still shit-out-of-luck with a best friend dead. It's irritating more than anything else. Everyone has that person who you talk to on a near daily basis. The friend who walks in step with your life. When life is normal, the vengeful god's are contended, when the dust settles and they're still completely and absolutely GONE. That's when it really sinks in.
This is a whole new animal, or "stage", or whatever for me. and it just plain sucks. it's not agony (it would be hardly anything if our society confronted itself with death a little more often). it's not infuriating and I don't think about it obsessively. It just sucks and it's probably going to last a long time because the human spirit will rail against absence forever. In the same sense that we can't wrap our comprehension around OBLIVION, our hearts cannot accept FOREVER GONE (Here I would like to add in a disclaimer that the existence of an afterlife is a MUTE point because its not like any of us will be running into the dead in THIS lifetime. So for all intents and purposes- it's forever gone.).
I guess the simpler way to say this is that I still miss him a lot.
And "being strong" is exhausting and necessary LONG after everyone else has forgotten.
Damnit, I knew my birthday was going to be a bitch.
A few of my old, day-to-day emotional/mental/spiritual maladies have started returning. I guess, in the context of my recent past, that's a good thing. A semblance of "normalcy".
Feelings of wishing I wasn't in this particular space-time continuum- despite the many joys and immense amount of beauty my life. Can't help, always felt, like I missed what was supposed to be MY train a long time ago. Those creeping creatures that you told yourself were adolescent hormones acting up sometimes stick around.
And (If I may)- you can recover emotional stability. You can compromise a new outlook on life. You can go to shows, and get drunk, and find a really great guy, and grow...but...you're still shit-out-of-luck with a best friend dead. It's irritating more than anything else. Everyone has that person who you talk to on a near daily basis. The friend who walks in step with your life. When life is normal, the vengeful god's are contended, when the dust settles and they're still completely and absolutely GONE. That's when it really sinks in.
This is a whole new animal, or "stage", or whatever for me. and it just plain sucks. it's not agony (it would be hardly anything if our society confronted itself with death a little more often). it's not infuriating and I don't think about it obsessively. It just sucks and it's probably going to last a long time because the human spirit will rail against absence forever. In the same sense that we can't wrap our comprehension around OBLIVION, our hearts cannot accept FOREVER GONE (Here I would like to add in a disclaimer that the existence of an afterlife is a MUTE point because its not like any of us will be running into the dead in THIS lifetime. So for all intents and purposes- it's forever gone.).
I guess the simpler way to say this is that I still miss him a lot.
And "being strong" is exhausting and necessary LONG after everyone else has forgotten.
Damnit, I knew my birthday was going to be a bitch.