how do they know what's good for you?
aghha, so my ex-boyfriend from last year added me on msn...he stopped talking to me like a bunch of months ago. so this confused me. i don't want to explain what happened with us to the world. don't think he'd want me to anyways. but i'll explain a little cuz obviously i want to write an entry about it.
we were together (4 months) and it was wonderful. for a while i know we were both really happy. he completely shocked me wen he broke up with me for his own reasons...anyways he later said he regreted it and was willing to do anything to take steps into getting back together. but i was too hurt. seriously. i had never let myself care that much about a guy b4 but i really had this time and i had also never suffered regection and he was the worst person it could have come from quite honestly. well, it wasn't quite rejection, just sorta being deserted. =\ anyhoo, with any strength i had it wasn't enough to be able to get myself to agree to try to get back together with him, i wasn't *healed* enough to deal with that. i knew i'd be putting myself on the line again and i didn't think i could survive it ending a second time. even though getting back together with him was all i wanted in the world. i just had too many doubts on it working. i was too scared. me, scared. this was new to me. i'm not afraid of many things. most things. but now, i have something i fear. caring about people, also caring and not really knowing how to protect them from themselves (but that one's from a few friends too..)
I'm getting off on a tangent. so he stopped talking to me cuz tho we really tried, it was so hard o talk to eachother like we used to. it slowly, slowly got easier. but was never really comfortable i don't think. so wen he got a new address he didn't add eme and told me he didn't see the point in talking to me online anymore if we couldn't be friends offline. at this point i couldn't care much or do much about him talking to me. i thought i was moving on and all and got me a new boyfriend and went and partied again and was back to my old self...just a little more "jadded" i guess. meh. but that relationship ended after only 2 months...again, just like ALL my OTHER raltionships i can't hold an interest for longer than 2 months! honestly. it's a curse. *sigh* i hate hurting ppl that way. i'm growing a small army of bitter ex-boyfriends who can't stand the fact that i can't give them much of an answer as to why i suddenly don't want to be with them anymore. sorry guys, i can't control these things. what a gift it would be if i could. really. :\
oh look, ANOTHER tangent. this is great. guess i have a few things to say/vent in this department...
SO i was missing Jason and tho i had decided/told myself many times i would not get back together with him, that i would stay away, i still wanted to be able to have him back as a friend/companion type. see him, talk to him, know he's alright and happyish hopefully...just kno what's going on in his life. i figured he's probably over the whole thing emotionally too. u kno, that we've both dealt with it and are settled by now...it was a long time ago by now. so i was planning on giving him a call cuz the worst that could happen is he doesn't wanna talk to me. and then what would change? not much. but first i went online and ta-da! he had added me. (really freakin weired how that was on the same night....=\)we talked a bit and we were both thinking the same thing. so that was comforting to know. that we're on the same level. he said he has a new girlfriend and i was a little suprized at first but that quickly morphed into being really happy for him, and me actually. cuz it would just be easier to be friends with him if he's totally off-limits etc. u kno, so i don't even have to think about that. really i genuinely care for him and the fact that he found someone new just really made me so happy for him. it's great. tho i kno nothing more than that so i kno nothing about their relationship or have any clue who she is or how long they've been going out not that it's my buisness at ALL. so i won't pry. but yeah, hope things go great for him and thus, them.
i like being totally honest so i will say that it might be a little weired to me the idea of him being all commited to this other girl or obsessing about her or something...kinda makes me think. just wonder. what's gunna happen now then? will i meet her? will it be weired? will it bother me to see him with another girl? probably not really. it would just be weired. i wouldn't be jealous....just weireded out. cuz it's such a new idea to me. heh, c'est la vie!
as for me, it looks like i'm walking alone again. that just fine i'd rather be here. makes life less complicated. less stressful. i don't think i could handle another relationship right now. well, mabie....but i'm tired of the whole relationship thing. i need space. i need to feel secure again. and i can best do that wen i don't have to worry about someone elses feelings all the time/giving them attention and time and putting effort into making it work. these are all things i suppose one doesn't mind doing if they really care about the other person/are just happy to connect with them/be with them....man that's the greatest high. so it's not that i think relationships are "bad". just not what i want right now....guess someone really "speacial" would have to come allong to catch my intrest...and if they did, would i notice while sitting in this shell of "leave my feelings alone"? i lost some innocence allong the way and i care less about ppl so i don't gain friends/other ppls affection/admiration as well or quickly as i used to and i seem to not give a shit. but really, i'm not depressed. that's just the way i am.
we were together (4 months) and it was wonderful. for a while i know we were both really happy. he completely shocked me wen he broke up with me for his own reasons...anyways he later said he regreted it and was willing to do anything to take steps into getting back together. but i was too hurt. seriously. i had never let myself care that much about a guy b4 but i really had this time and i had also never suffered regection and he was the worst person it could have come from quite honestly. well, it wasn't quite rejection, just sorta being deserted. =\ anyhoo, with any strength i had it wasn't enough to be able to get myself to agree to try to get back together with him, i wasn't *healed* enough to deal with that. i knew i'd be putting myself on the line again and i didn't think i could survive it ending a second time. even though getting back together with him was all i wanted in the world. i just had too many doubts on it working. i was too scared. me, scared. this was new to me. i'm not afraid of many things. most things. but now, i have something i fear. caring about people, also caring and not really knowing how to protect them from themselves (but that one's from a few friends too..)
I'm getting off on a tangent. so he stopped talking to me cuz tho we really tried, it was so hard o talk to eachother like we used to. it slowly, slowly got easier. but was never really comfortable i don't think. so wen he got a new address he didn't add eme and told me he didn't see the point in talking to me online anymore if we couldn't be friends offline. at this point i couldn't care much or do much about him talking to me. i thought i was moving on and all and got me a new boyfriend and went and partied again and was back to my old self...just a little more "jadded" i guess. meh. but that relationship ended after only 2 months...again, just like ALL my OTHER raltionships i can't hold an interest for longer than 2 months! honestly. it's a curse. *sigh* i hate hurting ppl that way. i'm growing a small army of bitter ex-boyfriends who can't stand the fact that i can't give them much of an answer as to why i suddenly don't want to be with them anymore. sorry guys, i can't control these things. what a gift it would be if i could. really. :\
oh look, ANOTHER tangent. this is great. guess i have a few things to say/vent in this department...
SO i was missing Jason and tho i had decided/told myself many times i would not get back together with him, that i would stay away, i still wanted to be able to have him back as a friend/companion type. see him, talk to him, know he's alright and happyish hopefully...just kno what's going on in his life. i figured he's probably over the whole thing emotionally too. u kno, that we've both dealt with it and are settled by now...it was a long time ago by now. so i was planning on giving him a call cuz the worst that could happen is he doesn't wanna talk to me. and then what would change? not much. but first i went online and ta-da! he had added me. (really freakin weired how that was on the same night....=\)we talked a bit and we were both thinking the same thing. so that was comforting to know. that we're on the same level. he said he has a new girlfriend and i was a little suprized at first but that quickly morphed into being really happy for him, and me actually. cuz it would just be easier to be friends with him if he's totally off-limits etc. u kno, so i don't even have to think about that. really i genuinely care for him and the fact that he found someone new just really made me so happy for him. it's great. tho i kno nothing more than that so i kno nothing about their relationship or have any clue who she is or how long they've been going out not that it's my buisness at ALL. so i won't pry. but yeah, hope things go great for him and thus, them.
i like being totally honest so i will say that it might be a little weired to me the idea of him being all commited to this other girl or obsessing about her or something...kinda makes me think. just wonder. what's gunna happen now then? will i meet her? will it be weired? will it bother me to see him with another girl? probably not really. it would just be weired. i wouldn't be jealous....just weireded out. cuz it's such a new idea to me. heh, c'est la vie!
as for me, it looks like i'm walking alone again. that just fine i'd rather be here. makes life less complicated. less stressful. i don't think i could handle another relationship right now. well, mabie....but i'm tired of the whole relationship thing. i need space. i need to feel secure again. and i can best do that wen i don't have to worry about someone elses feelings all the time/giving them attention and time and putting effort into making it work. these are all things i suppose one doesn't mind doing if they really care about the other person/are just happy to connect with them/be with them....man that's the greatest high. so it's not that i think relationships are "bad". just not what i want right now....guess someone really "speacial" would have to come allong to catch my intrest...and if they did, would i notice while sitting in this shell of "leave my feelings alone"? i lost some innocence allong the way and i care less about ppl so i don't gain friends/other ppls affection/admiration as well or quickly as i used to and i seem to not give a shit. but really, i'm not depressed. that's just the way i am.