(no subject)
I haven't written anything real in here in ages. Which not only makes me come across as quite boring and flat, but it also means I don't put any real emotion into in and don't get any real advice/emotion out. Hence there's not much of a point, and I quit posting. So this time I'm pasting a little bit of my recent self analysis to see what y'all think. Yes, I'm single again, yes, I'm considering dating women and men, if that doesn't suit you (I know some of my friends list is from the lesbian community) then either don't read anymore or don't read this particular entry. Otherwise, if you have advice for me, feel free...
Saturday, March 1, 2008
I realized recently that I’ve been complaining an awful lot about being the breadwinner and the housewife, and yet now that I’m single, nothing has changed in that department. I still pay all the bills, go to work all day, come home and do the laundry and dishes, clean the house on the weekends, take care of the fuzzy kids, get all the business done. The only difference is that I have no one to resent for it. I have no one else to clean up after. I have no one making me feel like I should do more, I don’t feel judged for what does or doesn’t get done. I am certainly not happier. I think the only thing that would change my role is if I either got a wife and could go to work all day and count on someone else to get things done at home or if I had a husband and could take care of the house while he pays the bills. That frightens me that my world view is that narrow. That I don’t picture a situation in which both people could do both without inequality and resentment. How do I go about fixing that? Why do I feel that way to begin with? How did I grow up? With mom home. Taking care of us and the house, eating home cooked meals. With Dad gone. Always gone. And yes, he pitched in with the house on weekends, and yes, he tried to engage us and listen to our day and make it to the important school functions, but I still don’t feel like I know him. And realizing how lost my mother is without the role she’s always been in messes me up a little too. We were her world, and she has put so much pressure on herself and on us to fulfill that, that when she feels like I haven’t fulfilled that, she is destroyed. It really sucks that I’m trying to sort all this out and I don’t feel like I can talk to my parents about it. I mean who do I know who is in a state of happily married that I could ask for advice on this? The only other family members I know that I would be comfortable talking to are Cathy who is terminally single and John who finally is happy now that he has gotten far away from his ex wife. My heart would like to take a chance and talk to mom and dad about this but my head still tells me that the more vulnerable I appear to them, the more hurt I am allowing an opening for. My mother has long since proven herself as counterproductive to my goals of happiness and self worth.
Turning a little femme again has been weird. I want to look good, but at the same time I don’t want to feel pressured to. Like the day I wore heels to work, Dan commented on how nice I looked, and I was thrilled that he noticed me, thrilled that I had done something to get attention and had gotten the desired result, but then I got mad at myself for wanting his attention, and mad at him for judging me on something so stereotypical, mad that he was complimenting me on fulfilling a societal norm that this is what a woman should be (although I should give him credit that he compliments the good works of heart that I do as well, which is refreshing from a man). I hate that I want approval so much, that I needed to be noticed by him, that I view him as so important to me, like he’s the last good man on earth I’ll meet and if I don’t succeed in getting him that I’ll have missed the boat. Well who’s to say I even want him? Who’s to say that I won’t really dislike him once I get to know him? Especially with as narcissistic as Christina says he can be, that doesn’t sound like someone I want at all. I am angry at my mother for constantly drilling into my head the need to please not only society as a whole but also a good man. The need to be what someone else wants. And at the same time, how true is that? Is that one more area of compromise that I need to work on? Is that one more of those meeting in the middle things that I’m not that good at? Am I going to have to change myself to eventually procure the love of someone I’m going to want to spend my life with?
It scares me to ask all this because right now, doing what I want to do, I am sitting on my couch on a Saturday, still in my pajamas, haven’t showered, watching last week’s TV. It is beautiful outside. Once again I think I’m letting my world revolve around other people and I’m forgetting that the person limiting me is me.
“ I am not the person who is singing
I am the silent one inside
I am not the one who laughs at peoples’ jokes
I just pacify their egos
I am not my house, my car, my songs
They are only stops along my way
I am like the winter,
I’m a dark, cold female
With a golden ring of wisdom in my care
And it’s me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence
And it’s me who’s too weak
And it’s me who’s too shy
To ask for the thing I love”
Saturday, March 1, 2008
I realized recently that I’ve been complaining an awful lot about being the breadwinner and the housewife, and yet now that I’m single, nothing has changed in that department. I still pay all the bills, go to work all day, come home and do the laundry and dishes, clean the house on the weekends, take care of the fuzzy kids, get all the business done. The only difference is that I have no one to resent for it. I have no one else to clean up after. I have no one making me feel like I should do more, I don’t feel judged for what does or doesn’t get done. I am certainly not happier. I think the only thing that would change my role is if I either got a wife and could go to work all day and count on someone else to get things done at home or if I had a husband and could take care of the house while he pays the bills. That frightens me that my world view is that narrow. That I don’t picture a situation in which both people could do both without inequality and resentment. How do I go about fixing that? Why do I feel that way to begin with? How did I grow up? With mom home. Taking care of us and the house, eating home cooked meals. With Dad gone. Always gone. And yes, he pitched in with the house on weekends, and yes, he tried to engage us and listen to our day and make it to the important school functions, but I still don’t feel like I know him. And realizing how lost my mother is without the role she’s always been in messes me up a little too. We were her world, and she has put so much pressure on herself and on us to fulfill that, that when she feels like I haven’t fulfilled that, she is destroyed. It really sucks that I’m trying to sort all this out and I don’t feel like I can talk to my parents about it. I mean who do I know who is in a state of happily married that I could ask for advice on this? The only other family members I know that I would be comfortable talking to are Cathy who is terminally single and John who finally is happy now that he has gotten far away from his ex wife. My heart would like to take a chance and talk to mom and dad about this but my head still tells me that the more vulnerable I appear to them, the more hurt I am allowing an opening for. My mother has long since proven herself as counterproductive to my goals of happiness and self worth.
Turning a little femme again has been weird. I want to look good, but at the same time I don’t want to feel pressured to. Like the day I wore heels to work, Dan commented on how nice I looked, and I was thrilled that he noticed me, thrilled that I had done something to get attention and had gotten the desired result, but then I got mad at myself for wanting his attention, and mad at him for judging me on something so stereotypical, mad that he was complimenting me on fulfilling a societal norm that this is what a woman should be (although I should give him credit that he compliments the good works of heart that I do as well, which is refreshing from a man). I hate that I want approval so much, that I needed to be noticed by him, that I view him as so important to me, like he’s the last good man on earth I’ll meet and if I don’t succeed in getting him that I’ll have missed the boat. Well who’s to say I even want him? Who’s to say that I won’t really dislike him once I get to know him? Especially with as narcissistic as Christina says he can be, that doesn’t sound like someone I want at all. I am angry at my mother for constantly drilling into my head the need to please not only society as a whole but also a good man. The need to be what someone else wants. And at the same time, how true is that? Is that one more area of compromise that I need to work on? Is that one more of those meeting in the middle things that I’m not that good at? Am I going to have to change myself to eventually procure the love of someone I’m going to want to spend my life with?
It scares me to ask all this because right now, doing what I want to do, I am sitting on my couch on a Saturday, still in my pajamas, haven’t showered, watching last week’s TV. It is beautiful outside. Once again I think I’m letting my world revolve around other people and I’m forgetting that the person limiting me is me.
“ I am not the person who is singing
I am the silent one inside
I am not the one who laughs at peoples’ jokes
I just pacify their egos
I am not my house, my car, my songs
They are only stops along my way
I am like the winter,
I’m a dark, cold female
With a golden ring of wisdom in my care
And it’s me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence
And it’s me who’s too weak
And it’s me who’s too shy
To ask for the thing I love”