(no subject)
So it's October, which feels precisely the same as September only colder. I am sitting in the office at rescue squad, in uniform, boots on, gloves in my pocket, ambulance checked and stocked, so damn ready to rescue someone that my knee is vibrating, and there is no one that needs rescuing. Hasn't been all day. I get up at 6am, eat breakfast on the way, show up at the station, look over all the lifesaving equipment, make sure i have a backboard for spinal injuries, gauze for wounds, OB kits in case i might, someday, possibly, get to deliver a baby, I make sure my BP cuffs work, the my glucometer can really measure blood sugar, that my pulse oximiter is reading pulse oxes, that i have a pen that writes and a light that lights and gas in the tank and oil in the engine and air in the tires and a teddy bear just in case there's a scared kid that needs a teddy bear. I am ready to rock, and am pitifully, undeniably useless.
we did get one obstetrical call this morning, and everyone around me moaned and groaned and said "oh gross" and "oh man, no way" and "it's all you man", and i wanted to say 'are you crazy? step aside, i got this, please, please let me do it" How can you be in the business of saving lives and not want to deliver a baby? I am so stoked about doing that someday...
Work has calmed a little. I'm down to one TA, but I'm also down to five kids from 7, so we are handling it. I have days when i smile and think, "i can do this, I was meant to do this. They are learning and having fun and behaving, and maybe some of that is because of me", and then i have some days where I think "please just dont let them grow up to be felons. I don't need doctors and lawyers, i dont need shining perfect people, just please dont let them hurt anyone by the time i'm done with them." and then a few days when I think "what am i doing here and why didnt i just stay in bed?" but they are getting better, even the days when i can't see it, other people tell me so, and I can't help but be a dreamer and think "i love them this much, and i care this much, and i work this hard, and I'm giving everything i can give to them. im bound to get a little something back." And i also think about all the people that didnt think i could do this. and i smile, because i was the only one that knew that i could. and here i am. doing it.
Robbin and i are okay again, back to being the telepathic, comfortable, amazing couple we can be. There are some places in my heart that may take a very long time to heal, but i still have hope that they will. In the meantime, i am trying to love like i've never been hurt, because that is one of my favorite pieces of advice, and i figure i can't give it out as advice if im not willing to try it myself =) I can't wait to see her. every day. i can't imagine my world without her in it.
we did get one obstetrical call this morning, and everyone around me moaned and groaned and said "oh gross" and "oh man, no way" and "it's all you man", and i wanted to say 'are you crazy? step aside, i got this, please, please let me do it" How can you be in the business of saving lives and not want to deliver a baby? I am so stoked about doing that someday...
Work has calmed a little. I'm down to one TA, but I'm also down to five kids from 7, so we are handling it. I have days when i smile and think, "i can do this, I was meant to do this. They are learning and having fun and behaving, and maybe some of that is because of me", and then i have some days where I think "please just dont let them grow up to be felons. I don't need doctors and lawyers, i dont need shining perfect people, just please dont let them hurt anyone by the time i'm done with them." and then a few days when I think "what am i doing here and why didnt i just stay in bed?" but they are getting better, even the days when i can't see it, other people tell me so, and I can't help but be a dreamer and think "i love them this much, and i care this much, and i work this hard, and I'm giving everything i can give to them. im bound to get a little something back." And i also think about all the people that didnt think i could do this. and i smile, because i was the only one that knew that i could. and here i am. doing it.
Robbin and i are okay again, back to being the telepathic, comfortable, amazing couple we can be. There are some places in my heart that may take a very long time to heal, but i still have hope that they will. In the meantime, i am trying to love like i've never been hurt, because that is one of my favorite pieces of advice, and i figure i can't give it out as advice if im not willing to try it myself =) I can't wait to see her. every day. i can't imagine my world without her in it.