I'm Borderline, Day After Day...
So, a few weeks in, and this summer isn't going as well as it could be...
This whole me inability to find a job thing is still pretty confidence-crippling. Even places I feel confident at, like Pac Sun fall through. Blockbuster won't call, Best Buy won't call, even though I keep going back and asking about my application. What don't I have? I lie and say I might not be going back to Texas State, "depending on money situations" because I know most places would be iffy about hiring a person for just 3 months. I may not have much experience, but where the hell am I supposed to get it if no one will hire me and give me that experience? I just don't know what to do, and I'm losing hope every passing minute. My mom's even losing hope it seems. She's starting to say things like "If you don't get a job this summer, I don't want you sitting around all day, and sleeping 'til noon." Super...
I just wish I was back in San Marcos, and for a number of reasons. I'd definitely get a job 100 times easier, and on top of that, being home just doesn't have that thrill it used to. I don't know what it is. I mean, I love my old friends, but sometimes I just get tired of it. I used to love just hanging out at Matt's, watching movies, talking, playing games. But lately, that's fine and good a every once and a while, but when it's all you seem to be doing, it gets boring fast. I don't know what I want. I guess I just miss the parties, the drinking, the smoking, the people. I can't really do that with my old friends. When I got to drink at Steven's, I had a better time than I ever could have totally sober. I guess I've just changed more drastically than they have. I'd like to feel better about myself and say I "outgrew" them, but I know deep down inside that doing "older" things like drinking, smoking, and smoking weed isn't really growing up. The fact that they don't, or barely do it probably means they're more mature than me most likely, but maybe that's why they call it a drug. I've tasted it, and now I can't stop it, even though it's affecting my social life, and what I crave to do most nights. I can easily get by without it, I just don't want to. As with Steven's, I had more fun, talked to more people, and felt a lot more confident in myself and what I was doing. The things is, I want more than just sitting around and talking, but I'd gladly sit around in a garage with a few people and smoke weed. Hypocrisy is fun. I guess I'm going on a mini-self destructive rampage. I'm not happy 90% of the day, I don't get anything done, even though I have a lot I could be doing. Last summer was nothing like this. I had Cari to anchor me, even if it was pulling me down at the same time. Off of Longview, with all it's flaws and problems, gave me something to do. I was doing something, other than drive around asking assholes if they've looked at my applications and wish the daytime television line up was better. Waking up at 2 would usually be a bad thing, but now it pretty much means less time to be bored. I guess this is just growing up, in some strange sort of way. I don't know what I want, but I need something. I have paintings I should work on, and digital pieces I could do, but I never feel like doing them, even though I lay on the couch 99% of the time at home. I've lost all my meaning. I don't know why I wake up. I don't really have anything to wake up to. I don't know how I'm going to solve this. I haven't a clue as to where to begin. Hopefully tomorrow will prove to be better. Today was just lousy all around, and it drug me down with it...
Here's to hoping...
- Skatt
Rescue me from boring times...
It's a story I know line by line...
Different deep on the inside
isn't different if you have to try...
I'm borderline, day after day,
waiting to get knocked off my feet again...
Time passes by like a slow parade,
waiting to get knocked off my feet again...
Knocked to my knees again.
This whole me inability to find a job thing is still pretty confidence-crippling. Even places I feel confident at, like Pac Sun fall through. Blockbuster won't call, Best Buy won't call, even though I keep going back and asking about my application. What don't I have? I lie and say I might not be going back to Texas State, "depending on money situations" because I know most places would be iffy about hiring a person for just 3 months. I may not have much experience, but where the hell am I supposed to get it if no one will hire me and give me that experience? I just don't know what to do, and I'm losing hope every passing minute. My mom's even losing hope it seems. She's starting to say things like "If you don't get a job this summer, I don't want you sitting around all day, and sleeping 'til noon." Super...
I just wish I was back in San Marcos, and for a number of reasons. I'd definitely get a job 100 times easier, and on top of that, being home just doesn't have that thrill it used to. I don't know what it is. I mean, I love my old friends, but sometimes I just get tired of it. I used to love just hanging out at Matt's, watching movies, talking, playing games. But lately, that's fine and good a every once and a while, but when it's all you seem to be doing, it gets boring fast. I don't know what I want. I guess I just miss the parties, the drinking, the smoking, the people. I can't really do that with my old friends. When I got to drink at Steven's, I had a better time than I ever could have totally sober. I guess I've just changed more drastically than they have. I'd like to feel better about myself and say I "outgrew" them, but I know deep down inside that doing "older" things like drinking, smoking, and smoking weed isn't really growing up. The fact that they don't, or barely do it probably means they're more mature than me most likely, but maybe that's why they call it a drug. I've tasted it, and now I can't stop it, even though it's affecting my social life, and what I crave to do most nights. I can easily get by without it, I just don't want to. As with Steven's, I had more fun, talked to more people, and felt a lot more confident in myself and what I was doing. The things is, I want more than just sitting around and talking, but I'd gladly sit around in a garage with a few people and smoke weed. Hypocrisy is fun. I guess I'm going on a mini-self destructive rampage. I'm not happy 90% of the day, I don't get anything done, even though I have a lot I could be doing. Last summer was nothing like this. I had Cari to anchor me, even if it was pulling me down at the same time. Off of Longview, with all it's flaws and problems, gave me something to do. I was doing something, other than drive around asking assholes if they've looked at my applications and wish the daytime television line up was better. Waking up at 2 would usually be a bad thing, but now it pretty much means less time to be bored. I guess this is just growing up, in some strange sort of way. I don't know what I want, but I need something. I have paintings I should work on, and digital pieces I could do, but I never feel like doing them, even though I lay on the couch 99% of the time at home. I've lost all my meaning. I don't know why I wake up. I don't really have anything to wake up to. I don't know how I'm going to solve this. I haven't a clue as to where to begin. Hopefully tomorrow will prove to be better. Today was just lousy all around, and it drug me down with it...
Here's to hoping...
- Skatt
Rescue me from boring times...
It's a story I know line by line...
Different deep on the inside
isn't different if you have to try...
I'm borderline, day after day,
waiting to get knocked off my feet again...
Time passes by like a slow parade,
waiting to get knocked off my feet again...
Knocked to my knees again.