Broken and defeated, your weary widow marches on
Yeah, I'm using lyrics to title these now. Ha.
I spent my lunch hour lying on my bed at home, trying to figure out a way to make the tears stop flowing from my eyes. Tonight is my first official night back as program director of my karate school from our holiday break, and I couldn't be more miserable. I want to be anywhere but there. I haven't been happy there for a long time. And I never wanted to be program director. Never. Then why did I take the position? Because the other person up for it was not ready and not qualified and it was made clear to me that, because I had the skills to run the place, that if I didn't take the position, the school would essentially fail. All I could think of was the poor students, and how, if the school failed, they would be let down yet again. We've already lost 3 instructors - 2 were assholes that stole a whole lot of money and 1 got cancer and had to resign. Everything in my heart and my body and my brain screamed at me not to take the position, that it wasn't what I wanted or where I wanted to be, that I wanted to pursue music, and move to New York and finally, FINALLY, live the life I wanted to live instead of living other people's dreams or ideas of what my life should be. But no. I told myself to stop being selfish. Tess the freakin' saint to the rescue. So I took the position. And it's all I can do to make myself walk through those doors and live a life I never wanted.
Gerard Way once said in an interview with MTV that being in your 20's is like being dead - directionless, passionless, going through the motions, feeling empty and alone. I couldn't agree more. I have spent the last 9 years wondering who the hell I am and where the hell am I going. With my 30th birthday rapidly approaching, I know no more now than I did 10 years ago.
How am I going to get out of this? I can't just resign - there's no one yet in place who can replace me. Some might argue that that's not my problem, but in a way it is - I can't just leave 40 kids hanging every night. I have to take responsibility for this. But how the hell am I going to get out of it? All I can think of is the pressure I feel in my chest when I just think about that school. It gives me no joy to be there.
I don't want to waste the rest of my life doing something that has no meaning to me anymore. I can't breathe anymore. This is going to kill me. I can't even put into words the amount of depression I'm feeling right now.
I spent my lunch hour lying on my bed at home, trying to figure out a way to make the tears stop flowing from my eyes. Tonight is my first official night back as program director of my karate school from our holiday break, and I couldn't be more miserable. I want to be anywhere but there. I haven't been happy there for a long time. And I never wanted to be program director. Never. Then why did I take the position? Because the other person up for it was not ready and not qualified and it was made clear to me that, because I had the skills to run the place, that if I didn't take the position, the school would essentially fail. All I could think of was the poor students, and how, if the school failed, they would be let down yet again. We've already lost 3 instructors - 2 were assholes that stole a whole lot of money and 1 got cancer and had to resign. Everything in my heart and my body and my brain screamed at me not to take the position, that it wasn't what I wanted or where I wanted to be, that I wanted to pursue music, and move to New York and finally, FINALLY, live the life I wanted to live instead of living other people's dreams or ideas of what my life should be. But no. I told myself to stop being selfish. Tess the freakin' saint to the rescue. So I took the position. And it's all I can do to make myself walk through those doors and live a life I never wanted.
Gerard Way once said in an interview with MTV that being in your 20's is like being dead - directionless, passionless, going through the motions, feeling empty and alone. I couldn't agree more. I have spent the last 9 years wondering who the hell I am and where the hell am I going. With my 30th birthday rapidly approaching, I know no more now than I did 10 years ago.
How am I going to get out of this? I can't just resign - there's no one yet in place who can replace me. Some might argue that that's not my problem, but in a way it is - I can't just leave 40 kids hanging every night. I have to take responsibility for this. But how the hell am I going to get out of it? All I can think of is the pressure I feel in my chest when I just think about that school. It gives me no joy to be there.
I don't want to waste the rest of my life doing something that has no meaning to me anymore. I can't breathe anymore. This is going to kill me. I can't even put into words the amount of depression I'm feeling right now.