2012 sucks feat. communications venting ii
DANGER: DISJOINTED THOUGHTS PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU HATE DISJOINTED THOUGHTS AND SUCH
First six days of 2012: fucking incredible, best I had felt in ages
rest of 2012: my grandmother got hospitalized, had a heart attack+stroke after bouncing back from feeling awful somewhat, she died
this has been hitting me harder than I imagined, possibly because i've seen it coming since fucking 2006 when she got hit
college has been kicking my ass I had to drop out of a class
people are being fucking idiots (it's nobody who's reading this, very likely - don't worry)
I've felt generally atrocious, atrocious, atrocious
and some shit has arisen.
to quote myself in november:
"Another thing is, well, my mental "walls". I'll worry a bit about talking to some people because of characteristics about them that either I don't find "normal" or other people don't find "normal". I've got to stop that kind of worrying, because god damn, aren't 90% of the people in life like that? Things in person just don't come out as freely as they do online, or some sort of similar concept... and I think it's honestly the negative residuals from my lines of thinking from the past sticking around. No excuse for it, and I should try working away at that as well. I've been afraid to bring such an idea up because I was worried people would judge me for it and being judgmental, when it's not really a conscious thing and something I kind of don't like that just got hammered into me. (I also worried that, well, people would insert themselves into said description on their own when they don't even fit it)"
I start on this and people prove to me that I should have these kinds of mental walls up
I miss the days when people could get along, an occasional argument would erupt, but aside from that once-in-a-while hiccup that affects even good friends sometimes shit was fine
(I think this started falling apart in 2009)
I looked back to older stuff again, I always do that, sigh
...I guess I could try to reform some shit and return to older places! Maybe that would be a good thing! I still can, certainly
Also I'm running Windows 7 now trying to just adjust to how shit will be in the future - let's face it, I'm going to either walk into it willingly or have the door bust down with my head by people ramming me into the door, why not walk through the door easily
As for a not-so-bad-or-weird note (that goes sour again): I got a Samsung Galaxy Player to play with Android on, because repairing my old Toshiba just... is so cost ineffective and they just want so fucking much for it that the feeling like shit about overspending would outweigh the amazing feeling to have such a special machine back (graduation era, 2009, good times)
I'm done for now please provide me some comments if you can really give me any helpful feedback
I'm trying to get back to even 2011-level stability and sanity by this point, admittedly
First six days of 2012: fucking incredible, best I had felt in ages
rest of 2012: my grandmother got hospitalized, had a heart attack+stroke after bouncing back from feeling awful somewhat, she died
this has been hitting me harder than I imagined, possibly because i've seen it coming since fucking 2006 when she got hit
college has been kicking my ass I had to drop out of a class
people are being fucking idiots (it's nobody who's reading this, very likely - don't worry)
I've felt generally atrocious, atrocious, atrocious
and some shit has arisen.
to quote myself in november:
"Another thing is, well, my mental "walls". I'll worry a bit about talking to some people because of characteristics about them that either I don't find "normal" or other people don't find "normal". I've got to stop that kind of worrying, because god damn, aren't 90% of the people in life like that? Things in person just don't come out as freely as they do online, or some sort of similar concept... and I think it's honestly the negative residuals from my lines of thinking from the past sticking around. No excuse for it, and I should try working away at that as well. I've been afraid to bring such an idea up because I was worried people would judge me for it and being judgmental, when it's not really a conscious thing and something I kind of don't like that just got hammered into me. (I also worried that, well, people would insert themselves into said description on their own when they don't even fit it)"
I start on this and people prove to me that I should have these kinds of mental walls up
I miss the days when people could get along, an occasional argument would erupt, but aside from that once-in-a-while hiccup that affects even good friends sometimes shit was fine
(I think this started falling apart in 2009)
I looked back to older stuff again, I always do that, sigh
...I guess I could try to reform some shit and return to older places! Maybe that would be a good thing! I still can, certainly
Also I'm running Windows 7 now trying to just adjust to how shit will be in the future - let's face it, I'm going to either walk into it willingly or have the door bust down with my head by people ramming me into the door, why not walk through the door easily
As for a not-so-bad-or-weird note (that goes sour again): I got a Samsung Galaxy Player to play with Android on, because repairing my old Toshiba just... is so cost ineffective and they just want so fucking much for it that the feeling like shit about overspending would outweigh the amazing feeling to have such a special machine back (graduation era, 2009, good times)
I'm done for now please provide me some comments if you can really give me any helpful feedback
I'm trying to get back to even 2011-level stability and sanity by this point, admittedly