Big Jim - Complete And In Order
I first met Big Jim on the night of Claire's last DJ set. There I was, with my head down the loo, on my hands and knees, vomitting up the last of the snakebite. It was that kind of night. So I finish up, wipe my mouth clean and try to feel more human. As I walk out of the cubicle, he's stood there, with his big shit-eating grin, combing his hair.
'Evenin Tom'
'Wha?'
'Evenin Tom'
'Yeah, evenin...'
I pushed past him, walking out into the club as I felt a hand on my shoulder. He spun me round, pulling me a inch from his face.
'You been naughty or nice Tom?'
'Hey, piss off! Who the fuck are you?'
He shook me, still grinning like an idiot.
'Don't. He's coming. And I'm gonna want you with me.'
'Fuckin idiot'
I storm off and he just stands there, smiling like he's just told the biggest joke in the world.
But he was right.
When the horde came, I wasn't ready. None of us were. Cept him, with his inane grin getting larger with each kill, like a old clown driven mad by one too many pies. While the rest of us were heralding the end of days, sending society into a tailspin, he was stockpiling weapons and hair grease.
When the world didn't end and we were left to pick up the pieces the morning after, there he was.
'So Tom, you been naughty or nice?'
'Umm...yeah, nice? i guess..?'
'Really? A little elf tells me otherwise...'
'I've always tried...'
'Course you have, course you have. Don't worry yourself. Go grab a headband and a gun, they'll come at nightfall'
So there I am, sat in a freezing cave, clutching my rifle like its the last present under the tree, waiting for the darkness
We hear the first of the screams at seven. It comes in low, before being picked up all around us. My hands start to shake. Looking around, people are losing it, their imaginations working overload
'Hold the line! They're just trying to scare us...'
'It's working...'
'Aw c'mon, just think of it as a game'
Still grinning, he kicks open the door. firing his flare into the forest before slamming it closed again.
'Now we can see the buggers... Remember, aim low. These ain't adults we're dealing with'
A thump in the distance signals their advance is on the way. Then another. And another. The bass beat like a punch to the stomach, the countdown to the inevitable.
As the first of their lines broke the forest line, Big Jim gave us all one last smile, checked his hair and starting firing.
And I just followed suit.
Their grins never stopped. Through all the blood and screams, they just kept smiling. Lying on the floor, the blood pooling around their still grasping hands. I just looked in their dead eyes, put my foot on their throats and put the final bullet between the eyes.
'give me...give me...'
'shut the hell up...BANG'
I look up and see Jim stood there, still grinning, his shirt and trousers dyed red with the blood, all his hair too. He looks at me, pulls out a comb and runs it through again.
'That's it, I'm making a bloody list...'
And if you can't get it now....