Frustration is a locked door when the key is just out of reach.
I locked myself out of the house and for no good reason the spare key is inside on the windowsill. The two people capable of letting me in are unavailable...so here i am spending the night back at my parents with no change of clothes. Balls.
So i have started getting stupid headaches again. I haven't had headaches like this in over a year and now here they are kicking my ass again. I can't find a cause for them. I used to think they were linked to hungriness, but that doesn't seem to be the case. It may be related to my eyesight...but that wouldn't explain why i they went away for a year and are now back... One of my mother's friends (also in natural health) asked me what i was holding in, what was stuck. I told her that i, who used to cry almost daily, had not cried in over two months. She suggested that perhaps this was the problem. After much thought, i don't think this is it. I am not stopping up tears that want to happen, or preventing myself from crying. I simply haven't had any reason to cry. Not really. True that 'back in the day' i would have cried when Kyle stood me up last month, but i wasn't actually sad about it, it only hurt my ego...so no crying, just anger. The only other time i have had to breathe myself past tears was when i was denied access to somewhere i used to be welcome and comfortable. But hey the couch is comfortable too, even if it cant hug me as i sleep. Besides, there's a lot more room when you sleep alone. So no tears. [I have realized that no boy deserves my tears. If he is going to make me cry, i should forget about him. It is time for me to grow up, and get used to being alone. It is time to like me as myself and not only in relation to who else likes me.]
This same woman later asked me, as she was rubbing stress knots out of my muscles, what it is that i feel so guilty about. I didn't know what she meant. I feel no guilt. Then i thought about it more and realized that i feel very guilty. I feel a lot of resentment and guilt toward myself. I feel extremely guilty for my own lack of...of...anything. I don't do the things i tell myself i will.
I don't take care of myself. I want so many things that only i can provide. I want to be healthy and fit. But even more so I want the feeling of accomplishment that comes from doing what i do best. I am a painter. I am a good painter. But i don't paint. I have completed one painting all summer. ONE. I haven't even finished the portraits of myself, colleen, and brandy that i started last semester. Each painting probably only needs 20 minutes or so, yet i can't find the time? Bullshit. I lie in my bed dreaming miserable dreams everyday until it is finally time to go to work. Seriously that is all i do every damn day. Waste my time. My life consists of work, an hour or so with colleen and sleep... It is a very unproductive cycle.
So what do i feel guilty for? For denying myself. What am i holding in? My own potential. Is this why i am having migraines? Probably not. But is it a situation i desperately need to remedy? Yes. I have to learn not to give a shit about not having any one to love and start loving myself. I always take good care of someone when I love them. I haven't taken good care of myself in a long time. Well, no one else is going to do it, so i have to. And apparently i am writing a self help book, gag. That got ridiculously long. Oh well its all true.
So i have started getting stupid headaches again. I haven't had headaches like this in over a year and now here they are kicking my ass again. I can't find a cause for them. I used to think they were linked to hungriness, but that doesn't seem to be the case. It may be related to my eyesight...but that wouldn't explain why i they went away for a year and are now back... One of my mother's friends (also in natural health) asked me what i was holding in, what was stuck. I told her that i, who used to cry almost daily, had not cried in over two months. She suggested that perhaps this was the problem. After much thought, i don't think this is it. I am not stopping up tears that want to happen, or preventing myself from crying. I simply haven't had any reason to cry. Not really. True that 'back in the day' i would have cried when Kyle stood me up last month, but i wasn't actually sad about it, it only hurt my ego...so no crying, just anger. The only other time i have had to breathe myself past tears was when i was denied access to somewhere i used to be welcome and comfortable. But hey the couch is comfortable too, even if it cant hug me as i sleep. Besides, there's a lot more room when you sleep alone. So no tears. [I have realized that no boy deserves my tears. If he is going to make me cry, i should forget about him. It is time for me to grow up, and get used to being alone. It is time to like me as myself and not only in relation to who else likes me.]
This same woman later asked me, as she was rubbing stress knots out of my muscles, what it is that i feel so guilty about. I didn't know what she meant. I feel no guilt. Then i thought about it more and realized that i feel very guilty. I feel a lot of resentment and guilt toward myself. I feel extremely guilty for my own lack of...of...anything. I don't do the things i tell myself i will.
I don't take care of myself. I want so many things that only i can provide. I want to be healthy and fit. But even more so I want the feeling of accomplishment that comes from doing what i do best. I am a painter. I am a good painter. But i don't paint. I have completed one painting all summer. ONE. I haven't even finished the portraits of myself, colleen, and brandy that i started last semester. Each painting probably only needs 20 minutes or so, yet i can't find the time? Bullshit. I lie in my bed dreaming miserable dreams everyday until it is finally time to go to work. Seriously that is all i do every damn day. Waste my time. My life consists of work, an hour or so with colleen and sleep... It is a very unproductive cycle.
So what do i feel guilty for? For denying myself. What am i holding in? My own potential. Is this why i am having migraines? Probably not. But is it a situation i desperately need to remedy? Yes. I have to learn not to give a shit about not having any one to love and start loving myself. I always take good care of someone when I love them. I haven't taken good care of myself in a long time. Well, no one else is going to do it, so i have to. And apparently i am writing a self help book, gag. That got ridiculously long. Oh well its all true.