(no subject)
To look back at all the lovers I’ve had, and there aren’t very many, it’s hard to believe I could feel like a fifteen year old again. I’m acting like a fifteen year old. Part of me hates it, part of me likes it. But the bigger part tells me I’m a fool. I know better. I’m not a person who gets love like that, at least not in this life.
So I look back and can’t figure out why. Why don’t I get love like everyone else? Why can’t it happen for me? Is it because I don’t work hard enough at it? Is it because I don’t know how to play the game? I hate playing games, and if you have to play a game to get love, perhaps it’s not worth it. But then, how would I know? And where the hell is she? Does she even exist? Can I move on alone in a world of love?
I had a taste of it, an infinitesimal taste. It appeals to me. Every instinct in my body tells me to be alone, to close off, to not feel love. And yet I want to. I want to ignore my instincts and feel her. I want to be with her. But somehow, I’m not worthy of her.
I wonder, at times, why anyone would love me anyway. I have many many faults, and only a few positives. So perhaps love isn’t in my cards. Perhaps I am supposed to be alone.
Then why did fate give me that one moment in time? Why did fate give me that one taste just to take it away?
I question everything now, and I’m roaming in a lost world. I know I’m out there somewhere, will I find myself again?
So I look back and can’t figure out why. Why don’t I get love like everyone else? Why can’t it happen for me? Is it because I don’t work hard enough at it? Is it because I don’t know how to play the game? I hate playing games, and if you have to play a game to get love, perhaps it’s not worth it. But then, how would I know? And where the hell is she? Does she even exist? Can I move on alone in a world of love?
I had a taste of it, an infinitesimal taste. It appeals to me. Every instinct in my body tells me to be alone, to close off, to not feel love. And yet I want to. I want to ignore my instincts and feel her. I want to be with her. But somehow, I’m not worthy of her.
I wonder, at times, why anyone would love me anyway. I have many many faults, and only a few positives. So perhaps love isn’t in my cards. Perhaps I am supposed to be alone.
Then why did fate give me that one moment in time? Why did fate give me that one taste just to take it away?
I question everything now, and I’m roaming in a lost world. I know I’m out there somewhere, will I find myself again?