(no subject)
i just found this gem of a story i wrote in high school (i think i was a sophmore) based on this
marketing campaign. we were obsessed with the idea of apple guy, his picture hung in mine/kelsey's shared locker in the band hallway along with a drawing of a foot giving the middle toe and six of my mom's school portraits from the year (to name a few gems). if you didn't know me in high school, maybe this story will clear up why i am always talking about how great i was in high school. it is unedited and utterly ridiculous.
APPLE GUY:
The doctor entered the tension-filled room where I, Chester McMacintosh, sat nervously waiting with my family for the news. Dr. Cortland sat down slowly and let out a big sigh. "I've got some bad news. Chester has cancer of the big toe. We've caught this very late in the stages, and I'm not sure if he's going to be able to pull through." My mother, Paula, ran her hands through her red hair in despair. She hugged me tight. Then she clung, crying, to my father for support. "Don't cry Paula Red. We'll get through this", he said, hiding his own grief. I hated to see my mom cry. I don't remember what I was thinking when I got the news that day, but when I got home, everything was oh so clear.
I came across and apple fact sheet lying on the table one day and read about how apples are cancer preventative. It was a real long shot, but I figured it was worth a try. I would do anything for my mom. Immediately, I rode to the grocery on my Huffy with all the money from my emptied piggy bank. I walked into the store with a cringe on my face, my big toe was acting up. I bought 20 pounds of apples with a plan in my mind. Needless to say, the ride home wasn't as easy as the ride there. I began eating apples, and more apples, and more apples! After a couple weeks, I had an appointment with Dr. Cortland. My cancer was gone! From that point on I knew that I had to share the joy that apples had given me with everyone. I changed my name to Apple Guy, bought a bright red jumpsuit, a matching scooter, and went out in search of people in desperate need of apple therapy.
As I walked down the street, I heard horrible screams coming from a middle-aged woman from a nearby house. "You never nurture my emotional side anymore! I'm flesh and blood, I have feelings, and I can't take this anymore! I’m having hot flashes!"
"Shut up, woman! I can't hear the game," her husband said while scratching himself. I leapt through the window just in time. "I have just the thing for you two. Here's an apple!"
"Oh, an apple!" she said. "I read that apples contain boron, which helps women to maintain estrogen levels during menopause." She took a bite of the apples with ferocity and suddenly her "mood" was lifted. "Oh honey, I'm sorry I yelled, Buttercup. Now that my emotional state is in check, how about I make you a sandwich?"
"Don't forget the apple slices with that sandwich!" I said while I motioned a thumbs-up, tossed another apple to her husband, and winked. "This is for later...if you catch my drift."
I walked along, searching for other people in need. It wasn't long before I saw a little boy wearing chocolate-colored pants and a peppermint-striped shift, holding his jaw in pain. I asked him what happened. Struggling, he spoke, "Dr. Fuji had to fill six cavities. Boy, did that hurt!"
I whipped out another apple, "Next time, try this! It's nature's toothbrush!"
The boy's father jumped out of his pickup truck and spat a dark brown gob onto the sidewalk. "Sir, that chewing tobacco is horrible for you! And what kind of example are you setting for little Jonathon here? The flavonoids found in apples may reduce the risk of cancer by as much as 50 percent! Try chewing a delicious, healthy apple next time."
"Thanks Apple Guy!" they cheered in unison. Together, they left happily to drive onto the road of healthiness.
Wow, what a day! I'd been particularly proud of the joy and health I had been spreading. But then, the worst case I'd ever seen in my entire Apple Guy career...
He pulled up in a truck with "ACME Meats" written across it. Angrily, he jumped out of the truck, slamming the door behind him. I saw his white apron stained red with blood and his scowling face staring right at me. "Hey Apple Guy, I've been looking for you all day. The name's Chuck, Ground Chuck. I own the meat factory downtown. You and all your apple talk have been stealing away my business. Nobody wants to eat meat anymore!"
Geez, what a meathead! "I'll tell you why nobody wants to eat meat anymore, because apples are great, that's why! And they're good for you too! Apples contain phenolic compounds, which act as antioxidants against low-density lipoproteins. That's why you, Chuck, have clogged arteries and you're a stroke waiting to happen!"
"Enough already! I still think--"
How rude of him to interrupt! "Eating apples not only lowers cholesterol, it also improves the ratio of beneficial high-density lipoproteins to harmful low-density lipoproteins. Apples prevent cell or tissue damage, provide many hours of lasting enjoyment, and can increase brain capacity up to 10 percent!"
"I don't care! I know that meat is delicious and apples are gross!"
"Chuck, please. Just try an apple."
"NO NO NO NO! I can't! All my meat friends will make fun of me."
"After you've tasted this apple...you won't need your meat friends!"
Chuck thought long and hard. His brow sweat and his eyes began to dart. With hesitation, he uttered, "Ok, I'll try it." Cautiously, hit bit into the apple. "WOW! This apple is absolutely incredible!" His knees trembled and he fell to the grown in ecstasy.
"That's the power of apples for ya! My work here is done. So long, Chuck!"
"Don't call me 'Chuck'. From now on my name is Granny Smith."
marketing campaign. we were obsessed with the idea of apple guy, his picture hung in mine/kelsey's shared locker in the band hallway along with a drawing of a foot giving the middle toe and six of my mom's school portraits from the year (to name a few gems). if you didn't know me in high school, maybe this story will clear up why i am always talking about how great i was in high school. it is unedited and utterly ridiculous.
APPLE GUY:
The doctor entered the tension-filled room where I, Chester McMacintosh, sat nervously waiting with my family for the news. Dr. Cortland sat down slowly and let out a big sigh. "I've got some bad news. Chester has cancer of the big toe. We've caught this very late in the stages, and I'm not sure if he's going to be able to pull through." My mother, Paula, ran her hands through her red hair in despair. She hugged me tight. Then she clung, crying, to my father for support. "Don't cry Paula Red. We'll get through this", he said, hiding his own grief. I hated to see my mom cry. I don't remember what I was thinking when I got the news that day, but when I got home, everything was oh so clear.
I came across and apple fact sheet lying on the table one day and read about how apples are cancer preventative. It was a real long shot, but I figured it was worth a try. I would do anything for my mom. Immediately, I rode to the grocery on my Huffy with all the money from my emptied piggy bank. I walked into the store with a cringe on my face, my big toe was acting up. I bought 20 pounds of apples with a plan in my mind. Needless to say, the ride home wasn't as easy as the ride there. I began eating apples, and more apples, and more apples! After a couple weeks, I had an appointment with Dr. Cortland. My cancer was gone! From that point on I knew that I had to share the joy that apples had given me with everyone. I changed my name to Apple Guy, bought a bright red jumpsuit, a matching scooter, and went out in search of people in desperate need of apple therapy.
As I walked down the street, I heard horrible screams coming from a middle-aged woman from a nearby house. "You never nurture my emotional side anymore! I'm flesh and blood, I have feelings, and I can't take this anymore! I’m having hot flashes!"
"Shut up, woman! I can't hear the game," her husband said while scratching himself. I leapt through the window just in time. "I have just the thing for you two. Here's an apple!"
"Oh, an apple!" she said. "I read that apples contain boron, which helps women to maintain estrogen levels during menopause." She took a bite of the apples with ferocity and suddenly her "mood" was lifted. "Oh honey, I'm sorry I yelled, Buttercup. Now that my emotional state is in check, how about I make you a sandwich?"
"Don't forget the apple slices with that sandwich!" I said while I motioned a thumbs-up, tossed another apple to her husband, and winked. "This is for later...if you catch my drift."
I walked along, searching for other people in need. It wasn't long before I saw a little boy wearing chocolate-colored pants and a peppermint-striped shift, holding his jaw in pain. I asked him what happened. Struggling, he spoke, "Dr. Fuji had to fill six cavities. Boy, did that hurt!"
I whipped out another apple, "Next time, try this! It's nature's toothbrush!"
The boy's father jumped out of his pickup truck and spat a dark brown gob onto the sidewalk. "Sir, that chewing tobacco is horrible for you! And what kind of example are you setting for little Jonathon here? The flavonoids found in apples may reduce the risk of cancer by as much as 50 percent! Try chewing a delicious, healthy apple next time."
"Thanks Apple Guy!" they cheered in unison. Together, they left happily to drive onto the road of healthiness.
Wow, what a day! I'd been particularly proud of the joy and health I had been spreading. But then, the worst case I'd ever seen in my entire Apple Guy career...
He pulled up in a truck with "ACME Meats" written across it. Angrily, he jumped out of the truck, slamming the door behind him. I saw his white apron stained red with blood and his scowling face staring right at me. "Hey Apple Guy, I've been looking for you all day. The name's Chuck, Ground Chuck. I own the meat factory downtown. You and all your apple talk have been stealing away my business. Nobody wants to eat meat anymore!"
Geez, what a meathead! "I'll tell you why nobody wants to eat meat anymore, because apples are great, that's why! And they're good for you too! Apples contain phenolic compounds, which act as antioxidants against low-density lipoproteins. That's why you, Chuck, have clogged arteries and you're a stroke waiting to happen!"
"Enough already! I still think--"
How rude of him to interrupt! "Eating apples not only lowers cholesterol, it also improves the ratio of beneficial high-density lipoproteins to harmful low-density lipoproteins. Apples prevent cell or tissue damage, provide many hours of lasting enjoyment, and can increase brain capacity up to 10 percent!"
"I don't care! I know that meat is delicious and apples are gross!"
"Chuck, please. Just try an apple."
"NO NO NO NO! I can't! All my meat friends will make fun of me."
"After you've tasted this apple...you won't need your meat friends!"
Chuck thought long and hard. His brow sweat and his eyes began to dart. With hesitation, he uttered, "Ok, I'll try it." Cautiously, hit bit into the apple. "WOW! This apple is absolutely incredible!" His knees trembled and he fell to the grown in ecstasy.
"That's the power of apples for ya! My work here is done. So long, Chuck!"
"Don't call me 'Chuck'. From now on my name is Granny Smith."