Meus lux lucis
skanking_easy
Pairing: Chuck/Sarah
Disclaimer: Not mine, but does owning the DVD's count?!
Author's Note: This fic is set sometime during Brandon Routh’s five episode stint on Chuck, and for those of you who saw the promo after 3x03 - after Chuck punches Shaw in front of Sarah. Also the title of the fic is Latin - it means My ‘Light’.
Meus lux lucis
Chuck was fuming.
And his hand was throbbing.
This couldn’t be real. After everything that had happened in the last six months - and now this. Now Shaw. He didn’t know what to do, where to go. He couldn’t go back to Sarah. She was the reason this was happening.
He couldn’t go to Ellie or Morgan - that would be too long of a story.
But really Chuck just wasn’t ready to admit what was happening to himself. It seemed like every day brought a larger wedge between himself and Sarah. And now Agent Shaw was there at the perfect time to take Sarah away from him.
“Hey.”
The voice startled him, but he should have known she wouldn’t just let him run, not after what had happened.
“What’s going on?”
“I think the better question is what you’re doing here.”
“Where are you going Chuck?”
“Away from here. Thought you would have figured that out, Agent Walker. What with the packed bags and all.”
He couldn’t stop the ice in his voice even if he wanted to. After all, who expects to lose the woman you love just a few weeks after you tell her you love her? A woman you never had in the first place and never will.
He didn’t miss the way her eyes shut tight at his words though, or the shiver that shook her body.
“Chuck will you at least let me explain? You can’t just run away from everything that’s happening. We both know you won’t. After all, you wouldn’t run all those months ago!”
He could tell he was getting to her. Ever since the train station at Grozny, she had never yelled at him like this. He knew she was trying to put up an emotional wall. But it was finally falling down. But was it because of him or Shaw?
“Don’t do this Sarah. Things change. I’m trying so hard not to say the things I want to. Because I know, I know they’ll hurt you. After all this time I still can’t do that to you. Even if it seems you don’t feel the same way. So let me go. Just let me go.”
He knew she wanted to say something, anything to stop him, but the words wouldn’t come and he didn’t - couldn’t - wait any longer. “Goodbye Sarah.”
And as he was making his way out he never heard her whispered plea, “But I don’t want to…”
*****
Chuck made his way into Castle, intent on finding Casey. When he spotted him, he saw Casey reading through the folders in front of him. Shit. Hopefully he hadn’t read it yet. If he was lucky.
“Casey, I need your help. I want to take the mission. The one Beckman talked about in Europe.”
Chuck knew this plan could backfire. He didn’t know if he was making the right decision - if he was ready for this. But he had to try. He couldn’t stay here anymore.
“And why’s that Bartowski? You and I both know the details of this mission, what could happen if you go over there. Can you handle that?”
Chuck could only nod. He knew what he was getting into. Or so he thought.
“I know. But Casey, I can’t stay here, it’s too hard. Just do me a favor and don’t tell Sarah. Please?”
At Casey’s nod, Chuck made his way towards the door. Before he could exit though, Casey stopped him.
“Chuck…” At Casey’s tone Chuck turned around.”Just be sure you want this. Once you take this mission there’s no going back. And this time Walker won’t be able to save your ass if and when everything goes to shit. She won’t even know where you’ll be.”
*****
“Agent Casey. Was there something else you needed?”
“Ma’am there’s been a development with Bartowski. Something has changed between him and Walker and I doubt we can fix this. Bartowski has asked for a reassignment General. He’s requested the Varnado mission in Germany.”
“Really? And, Colonel Casey, does Agent Bartowski understand the parameters of this mission? Taking down a man like Rafael Varnado could start something Bartowski isn’t ready for.”
“To be honest ma’am I’m not sure he’s aware of what could happen. But I do know that Chuck can do this. I’ve never seen him this determined. And quite frankly he has surpassed everyone’s expectations in his training. I don’t see why he wouldn’t be able to do this.”
All Chuck could do was smile. Moving from the Castle’s entrance, Chuck walked through the open doorway. Neither Chuck nor Casey noticed Sarah, her eyes trained on the door closing behind him.
*****
“Don’t you get it, Sarah?! I can’t do this! I can’t stand to be here with you, working with you when we both know how we feel. Maybe it is my fault that it’s gotten to this point. All I know is I can’t take it anymore.”
Before he could stop himself he took her hands in his. Making her look at him, he continued, “I love you. Don’t you get that? I love you but I can’t have you. And all I know is that if I stay I’ll never be able to move on. And I have to, Sarah. I have to for Ellie, for Morgan, and my dad. And for me. Because as much as I want you, I’ll never have you. And that’s something I can’t live with. Knowing you’re right there, just out of my reach.”
It was so heartbreaking; watching her battle with herself. He knew he shouldn’t put her in this position but he couldn’t help it. What if this was the last time he saw her? What if this was his last chance. He didn’t want to look back ten years from now and regret not telling her how he felt - or giving her the chance to do the same.
But she had to be the one to do something now - anything. He’d told her how he felt. Now it was up to her.
As he walked out the door, Sarah never stopped him.
*****
“What the hell is going on Casey?! Why is Chuck packing?”
“I don’t know Walker. Maybe it’s because he’s finally committing himself to the CIA and to being the Intersect. Beyond that, I’m not at liberty to discuss it.”
Sarah didn’t know what to do. After everything they’d been through it couldn’t end like this. They couldn’t end like this. But she didn’t know what to do, how to make this better.
“Look Walker. Whatever went on between you and Bartowski - that’s between the two of you. But this is the second time in as many months that Chuck has been cast aside just so you can do your job. The kid isn’t going to stick around just so you can give him the cold shoulder again.”
Sarah knew Casey was right. It had taken them so long to get to that point. She had been ready, so ready to be with him. And then he did the one thing she never expected, he picked the world he had never wanted over her. Deep inside she knew why he did that. After all, she had told him he was a hero, capable of making a difference in a world that needed him.
“Look Casey I know these past few months have been hard - for both me and Chuck. But after everything that happened during Chuck’s training I couldn’t just go back to the way things were. I never meant to hurt him. You have to know that.”
She knew he understood. He had to. They both knew that things changed when Chuck downloaded the Intersect 2.0. Everything they had fought against was suddenly the one thing they had to protect.
“We both know that… Chuck knows that too. But you have to understand where the guy is coming from Sarah. One minute the two of you can never have anything more than a professional relationship. And then everything that was keeping the two of you apart was gone.”
Sarah could only nod in response. These past few years had been like a rollercoaster for her and Chuck. And maybe sometimes she wishes she had handled things differently - everyone does.
“Just tell me where he’s going Casey. Just tell me if he’s leaving me forever so I can try and stop him!”
“Bartowski has been reassigned. He’s talked Beckman into giving him the lead on a new operation - in Germany. He leaves tomorrow morning.”
And then Sarah - with tears in her eyes - fell to the ground, her face in her hands.
*****
“Chuck! Wait!”
It was twenty minutes after six when he heard her. Ten more minutes and he would have been on his way to LAX. A new life ahead of him. The life of a spy.
“Chuck please…just talk to me. Tell me why you’re doing this. After all this time - why are you running away now?”
“You were my light, Sarah. After that night everything I did was all for you and Ellie. That night, when you told me I was a hero…did you mean it?”
Chuck didn’t know what to do at first. Her silence was deafening. He couldn’t take losing her, not again. Not when she was the one who had come to him. Her being here meant something, didn’t it? He just didn’t know anymore. “Goodbye Sarah.”
“Chuck…Wait. I meant it, I truly did. But I never wanted this life for you. That doesn’t mean I don’t think you can’t do this. Or that I want you to.”
“Then why are you doing this?! I don’t get it, Sarah.”
Lately, Chuck didn’t know what to do anymore. And right now, neither did Sarah.
*****
“Why Sarah?! Why do you care if I stay?”
“Just…please Chuck. Please just stay.”
He didn’t know what to do. How many more times could they go through this without it breaking one of them? Hadn’t they suffered enough?
“Give me one good reason Sarah. Give me one reason to stay.”
“Because you’re my light too Chuck. You’re the one person that has stuck by me. After everything we’ve been through, and you’re still here. Sometimes, when all I can think about are some of the horrible things I’ve done, you’re the one thing that I can focus on. Since the first moment I saw you…you’re the one good thing in my life Chuck Bartowski. You’re my light in the darkness.”
All Chuck could do was watch as Sarah grabbed his hands. “What are you saying Sarah?”
“Because I love you. I love you Chuck.”
At that moment, everything froze. The world faded away, and all that was left was Chuck and Sarah.
Everything seemed to lead up to this point. Standing here, in this very second, they had come full circle. Once again everything could change - standing here in this train station - their whole life could finally fall into place.
Looking into her eyes, Chuck saw something he had never seen before - all of her carefully constructed walls were down, once and for all.
He must have stood there forever and a second, because finally Sarah looked away. Before she could walk away though Chuck grabbed her hand.
“I love you too. Always, Sarah.”
And then he led her out of the train station.
The End.
Pairing: Chuck/Sarah
Disclaimer: Not mine, but does owning the DVD's count?!
Author's Note: This fic is set sometime during Brandon Routh’s five episode stint on Chuck, and for those of you who saw the promo after 3x03 - after Chuck punches Shaw in front of Sarah. Also the title of the fic is Latin - it means My ‘Light’.
Meus lux lucis
Chuck was fuming.
And his hand was throbbing.
This couldn’t be real. After everything that had happened in the last six months - and now this. Now Shaw. He didn’t know what to do, where to go. He couldn’t go back to Sarah. She was the reason this was happening.
He couldn’t go to Ellie or Morgan - that would be too long of a story.
But really Chuck just wasn’t ready to admit what was happening to himself. It seemed like every day brought a larger wedge between himself and Sarah. And now Agent Shaw was there at the perfect time to take Sarah away from him.
“Hey.”
The voice startled him, but he should have known she wouldn’t just let him run, not after what had happened.
“What’s going on?”
“I think the better question is what you’re doing here.”
“Where are you going Chuck?”
“Away from here. Thought you would have figured that out, Agent Walker. What with the packed bags and all.”
He couldn’t stop the ice in his voice even if he wanted to. After all, who expects to lose the woman you love just a few weeks after you tell her you love her? A woman you never had in the first place and never will.
He didn’t miss the way her eyes shut tight at his words though, or the shiver that shook her body.
“Chuck will you at least let me explain? You can’t just run away from everything that’s happening. We both know you won’t. After all, you wouldn’t run all those months ago!”
He could tell he was getting to her. Ever since the train station at Grozny, she had never yelled at him like this. He knew she was trying to put up an emotional wall. But it was finally falling down. But was it because of him or Shaw?
“Don’t do this Sarah. Things change. I’m trying so hard not to say the things I want to. Because I know, I know they’ll hurt you. After all this time I still can’t do that to you. Even if it seems you don’t feel the same way. So let me go. Just let me go.”
He knew she wanted to say something, anything to stop him, but the words wouldn’t come and he didn’t - couldn’t - wait any longer. “Goodbye Sarah.”
And as he was making his way out he never heard her whispered plea, “But I don’t want to…”
*****
Chuck made his way into Castle, intent on finding Casey. When he spotted him, he saw Casey reading through the folders in front of him. Shit. Hopefully he hadn’t read it yet. If he was lucky.
“Casey, I need your help. I want to take the mission. The one Beckman talked about in Europe.”
Chuck knew this plan could backfire. He didn’t know if he was making the right decision - if he was ready for this. But he had to try. He couldn’t stay here anymore.
“And why’s that Bartowski? You and I both know the details of this mission, what could happen if you go over there. Can you handle that?”
Chuck could only nod. He knew what he was getting into. Or so he thought.
“I know. But Casey, I can’t stay here, it’s too hard. Just do me a favor and don’t tell Sarah. Please?”
At Casey’s nod, Chuck made his way towards the door. Before he could exit though, Casey stopped him.
“Chuck…” At Casey’s tone Chuck turned around.”Just be sure you want this. Once you take this mission there’s no going back. And this time Walker won’t be able to save your ass if and when everything goes to shit. She won’t even know where you’ll be.”
*****
“Agent Casey. Was there something else you needed?”
“Ma’am there’s been a development with Bartowski. Something has changed between him and Walker and I doubt we can fix this. Bartowski has asked for a reassignment General. He’s requested the Varnado mission in Germany.”
“Really? And, Colonel Casey, does Agent Bartowski understand the parameters of this mission? Taking down a man like Rafael Varnado could start something Bartowski isn’t ready for.”
“To be honest ma’am I’m not sure he’s aware of what could happen. But I do know that Chuck can do this. I’ve never seen him this determined. And quite frankly he has surpassed everyone’s expectations in his training. I don’t see why he wouldn’t be able to do this.”
All Chuck could do was smile. Moving from the Castle’s entrance, Chuck walked through the open doorway. Neither Chuck nor Casey noticed Sarah, her eyes trained on the door closing behind him.
*****
“Don’t you get it, Sarah?! I can’t do this! I can’t stand to be here with you, working with you when we both know how we feel. Maybe it is my fault that it’s gotten to this point. All I know is I can’t take it anymore.”
Before he could stop himself he took her hands in his. Making her look at him, he continued, “I love you. Don’t you get that? I love you but I can’t have you. And all I know is that if I stay I’ll never be able to move on. And I have to, Sarah. I have to for Ellie, for Morgan, and my dad. And for me. Because as much as I want you, I’ll never have you. And that’s something I can’t live with. Knowing you’re right there, just out of my reach.”
It was so heartbreaking; watching her battle with herself. He knew he shouldn’t put her in this position but he couldn’t help it. What if this was the last time he saw her? What if this was his last chance. He didn’t want to look back ten years from now and regret not telling her how he felt - or giving her the chance to do the same.
But she had to be the one to do something now - anything. He’d told her how he felt. Now it was up to her.
As he walked out the door, Sarah never stopped him.
*****
“What the hell is going on Casey?! Why is Chuck packing?”
“I don’t know Walker. Maybe it’s because he’s finally committing himself to the CIA and to being the Intersect. Beyond that, I’m not at liberty to discuss it.”
Sarah didn’t know what to do. After everything they’d been through it couldn’t end like this. They couldn’t end like this. But she didn’t know what to do, how to make this better.
“Look Walker. Whatever went on between you and Bartowski - that’s between the two of you. But this is the second time in as many months that Chuck has been cast aside just so you can do your job. The kid isn’t going to stick around just so you can give him the cold shoulder again.”
Sarah knew Casey was right. It had taken them so long to get to that point. She had been ready, so ready to be with him. And then he did the one thing she never expected, he picked the world he had never wanted over her. Deep inside she knew why he did that. After all, she had told him he was a hero, capable of making a difference in a world that needed him.
“Look Casey I know these past few months have been hard - for both me and Chuck. But after everything that happened during Chuck’s training I couldn’t just go back to the way things were. I never meant to hurt him. You have to know that.”
She knew he understood. He had to. They both knew that things changed when Chuck downloaded the Intersect 2.0. Everything they had fought against was suddenly the one thing they had to protect.
“We both know that… Chuck knows that too. But you have to understand where the guy is coming from Sarah. One minute the two of you can never have anything more than a professional relationship. And then everything that was keeping the two of you apart was gone.”
Sarah could only nod in response. These past few years had been like a rollercoaster for her and Chuck. And maybe sometimes she wishes she had handled things differently - everyone does.
“Just tell me where he’s going Casey. Just tell me if he’s leaving me forever so I can try and stop him!”
“Bartowski has been reassigned. He’s talked Beckman into giving him the lead on a new operation - in Germany. He leaves tomorrow morning.”
And then Sarah - with tears in her eyes - fell to the ground, her face in her hands.
*****
“Chuck! Wait!”
It was twenty minutes after six when he heard her. Ten more minutes and he would have been on his way to LAX. A new life ahead of him. The life of a spy.
“Chuck please…just talk to me. Tell me why you’re doing this. After all this time - why are you running away now?”
“You were my light, Sarah. After that night everything I did was all for you and Ellie. That night, when you told me I was a hero…did you mean it?”
Chuck didn’t know what to do at first. Her silence was deafening. He couldn’t take losing her, not again. Not when she was the one who had come to him. Her being here meant something, didn’t it? He just didn’t know anymore. “Goodbye Sarah.”
“Chuck…Wait. I meant it, I truly did. But I never wanted this life for you. That doesn’t mean I don’t think you can’t do this. Or that I want you to.”
“Then why are you doing this?! I don’t get it, Sarah.”
Lately, Chuck didn’t know what to do anymore. And right now, neither did Sarah.
*****
“Why Sarah?! Why do you care if I stay?”
“Just…please Chuck. Please just stay.”
He didn’t know what to do. How many more times could they go through this without it breaking one of them? Hadn’t they suffered enough?
“Give me one good reason Sarah. Give me one reason to stay.”
“Because you’re my light too Chuck. You’re the one person that has stuck by me. After everything we’ve been through, and you’re still here. Sometimes, when all I can think about are some of the horrible things I’ve done, you’re the one thing that I can focus on. Since the first moment I saw you…you’re the one good thing in my life Chuck Bartowski. You’re my light in the darkness.”
All Chuck could do was watch as Sarah grabbed his hands. “What are you saying Sarah?”
“Because I love you. I love you Chuck.”
At that moment, everything froze. The world faded away, and all that was left was Chuck and Sarah.
Everything seemed to lead up to this point. Standing here, in this very second, they had come full circle. Once again everything could change - standing here in this train station - their whole life could finally fall into place.
Looking into her eyes, Chuck saw something he had never seen before - all of her carefully constructed walls were down, once and for all.
He must have stood there forever and a second, because finally Sarah looked away. Before she could walk away though Chuck grabbed her hand.
“I love you too. Always, Sarah.”
And then he led her out of the train station.
The End.