(no subject)
I felt so full of life in LA and immediately after I came back. I started the week with a good attitude, and I already feel beat down with dwindling hope that I can rise above mediocrity.
I'm over all these old men who have status in my field, and I pretend that I'm not disgusted by their desperation just in case it might help me some day.
If I could just take a time out and get myself a game plan, I'd sit on my ass all day. I'm at the point where I want to go out everything until the break o' dawn and get attention. I really think it would be fun to upgrade and be on the "Gay Househusbands of San Francisco". I have come to a point where I don't think there is anything wrong with drinking and smoking at any hour of the day, and I'm not above lying to someone's face and overreacting when I found out other people are talking shit about me.
Maybe it is the chamomile. Everytime I try to drink this piss I end up unmotivated and grumpy.
I just need to stop thinking so hard. Which seems unreal considering that I numb my thoughts on the daily. I ran out of weed, and I don't feel the urge to drink too much during the week, so maybe the world will align. And by align I mean that I live out of hotels that are paid for, and I meet people on Grindr constantly. We sip on manhattans, eat lambchops, and talk about the dated interiors of the buildings of conference centers we arrive to via shuttle bus.
I know that most jobs with heavy traveling involve presenting and/or selling something. I can sell my charm and my dreams, but I can't sell anything that isn't mine.
I miss being lonely. It made me more interesting. And curious. I want to be back in that hotel, and I want to feel alone. And live a filthy life filled with secrets and boredom.
I'm over all these old men who have status in my field, and I pretend that I'm not disgusted by their desperation just in case it might help me some day.
If I could just take a time out and get myself a game plan, I'd sit on my ass all day. I'm at the point where I want to go out everything until the break o' dawn and get attention. I really think it would be fun to upgrade and be on the "Gay Househusbands of San Francisco". I have come to a point where I don't think there is anything wrong with drinking and smoking at any hour of the day, and I'm not above lying to someone's face and overreacting when I found out other people are talking shit about me.
Maybe it is the chamomile. Everytime I try to drink this piss I end up unmotivated and grumpy.
I just need to stop thinking so hard. Which seems unreal considering that I numb my thoughts on the daily. I ran out of weed, and I don't feel the urge to drink too much during the week, so maybe the world will align. And by align I mean that I live out of hotels that are paid for, and I meet people on Grindr constantly. We sip on manhattans, eat lambchops, and talk about the dated interiors of the buildings of conference centers we arrive to via shuttle bus.
I know that most jobs with heavy traveling involve presenting and/or selling something. I can sell my charm and my dreams, but I can't sell anything that isn't mine.
I miss being lonely. It made me more interesting. And curious. I want to be back in that hotel, and I want to feel alone. And live a filthy life filled with secrets and boredom.