Taste The Difference!
The guy next to me at the coffee shop has a pamphlet entitled, "EST Systematic Approach to Tasting Wine".
It's accompanied by a larger book, which probably justifies some larger cost of education. I can't read the smaller print on the pamphlet, but that doesn't matter. Instead, let me save you some money by sharing what it probably says.
Alex's Systematic Approach to Tasting Wine
1st Edition
1. Grab bottom of wine glass. Swish in a circular motion. Pretend you are thinking about something else besides, "I'm supposed to swish this in a circular motion for some reason."
2. Raise glass to face. Put nose inside. Acknowledge you have been served wine. Do not imagine what you must look like. By the way, you look like a person who does not know that a drink is consumed by mouth.
3. Move glass from nose to mouth (very important). Take a small sip of wine. Query the wine database in your brain for how to respond to the taste detected, using boolean query terms such as:
- is_oakey?
- is_dry?
- is_fruity?
- is_expired?
4. Interpret the results of #3's query, filtering out anomalies that will expose your ignorance of Systematic Wine Tasting, such as
- "Tastes like cough syrup."
- "It's not very oakey, but more Oakley."
- "I want nachos."
Be sure to not reach for or otherwise consult the "EST Systematic Approach to Tasting Wine" pocket guide or iPhone app.
5. Make a ever-so-slight frown, whose ambiguous visual could mean, "Not bad", "I've had better", "This tastes like ass", or "Amazing", all at the same time. Reinforce ambiguity by saying, "Hmmm." Do not bring up the fact that only humans could supress or distort their simple, honest, enjoyment of consuming a food out of fear of being judged by others.
6. Take another bite of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich that you are consuming with the wine, and continue the conversation about Glee.
It's accompanied by a larger book, which probably justifies some larger cost of education. I can't read the smaller print on the pamphlet, but that doesn't matter. Instead, let me save you some money by sharing what it probably says.
Alex's Systematic Approach to Tasting Wine
1st Edition
1. Grab bottom of wine glass. Swish in a circular motion. Pretend you are thinking about something else besides, "I'm supposed to swish this in a circular motion for some reason."
2. Raise glass to face. Put nose inside. Acknowledge you have been served wine. Do not imagine what you must look like. By the way, you look like a person who does not know that a drink is consumed by mouth.
3. Move glass from nose to mouth (very important). Take a small sip of wine. Query the wine database in your brain for how to respond to the taste detected, using boolean query terms such as:
- is_oakey?
- is_dry?
- is_fruity?
- is_expired?
4. Interpret the results of #3's query, filtering out anomalies that will expose your ignorance of Systematic Wine Tasting, such as
- "Tastes like cough syrup."
- "It's not very oakey, but more Oakley."
- "I want nachos."
Be sure to not reach for or otherwise consult the "EST Systematic Approach to Tasting Wine" pocket guide or iPhone app.
5. Make a ever-so-slight frown, whose ambiguous visual could mean, "Not bad", "I've had better", "This tastes like ass", or "Amazing", all at the same time. Reinforce ambiguity by saying, "Hmmm." Do not bring up the fact that only humans could supress or distort their simple, honest, enjoyment of consuming a food out of fear of being judged by others.
6. Take another bite of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich that you are consuming with the wine, and continue the conversation about Glee.