Take Back the Night--->Patriarchy Rant
I went to a Take Back the Night rally tonight (TBN raises awareness for rape and sexual assault). It was okay. Unfortunately (??) I've been hanging out with feminists for so long that most of the stats and things they quoted were no surprise to me, and only served to remind me how unsafe I am on a daily basis (instead of feeling liberated by all the wonderful feminist voices). So instead, I spent the time wondering why men were left out of the whole thing.
This is what I mean: the signs on the sidewalk surrounding the march that said, "LADIES! March! This way! ---->". The signs proclaiming the rally area to be a "rape free zone" with lots of happy stick people in skirts, presumably gallavanting around with no fear of being raped. The plethora of statistics quoted of how many women are raped every year, every hour, every minute, in every state; but only one mention of how many men are raped. The fact that there were no male speakers (though there was one male radical cheerleader, which was heartening).
I don't mean to minimize or dismiss the effect that rape and sexual assault has on the female half of our population; or to deny that women are targeted for sexual and domestic violence far more often than men. But the fact that, in 45 minutes of speeches by five different people, there was only ONE mention of men as anything other than perpetrators bothers me. Maybe it's bound to happen in a rally designed to expose sexual violence. But men are victims too [EDIT: men are also allies], and that needs to be acknowledged at least a little. Men are raped, men are groped, men are ridiculed for acting feminine (by other men and by women). And every time a brother/father/boyfriend/friend has to hold their sister/daughter/girlfriend/friend who is in tears because she got raped last night; every time a current boyfriend has to pay for the crimes of the ex-boyfriend (or of the guy in the parking lot, for that matter) because fear responses don't always differentiate bodies from body type; I feel like the guy is, to some extent, a sort of "peripheral victim." Of course his feelings can't compare to the violation that the woman is feeling, and I'm not implying that. But in our individualistic culture, we sometimes have a hard time remembering that the victim isn't the only one who bleeds; and if a woman who is sexually assaulted happens to be straight, the person who is most likely to catch and have to deal with whatever psychological trauma she has left over from her experience is going to be the men she tries to have intimate relationships with.
In the fight against sexual assault, it seems like men are too often either invisible or viewed solely as perpetrators. Some would say that it's about damn time men learned that they're not the focus of everything (implying that there's something to be gained from invisibility, or from being discounted entirely), but I'm uncomfortable with this too, because (and recognizing that a lot of this has to do with sheer dumb luck) by and large most of the men in my life have been kind, sensitive, loving individuals (key word here being individuals, and not just embodiments of some abstract stereotype). I can rant and rave about how our society raises men to be jocks who score, not just on the playing field but in the bedroom, but this theory hasn't really played out in my own personal life. Which is not to say it's not real; straight white male privilege is very real. But I have a hard time getting excited about fighting something that is real to me only in the abstract. I mean, okay--there are loud and obnoxious men at bars and on busses; there are asshole prosecutors that I read about in the paper; there are guys who proposition me on the street; there was the babysitter that molested me when I was seven (I guess I just outed myself on LJ). But all the boys that I count as friends, all the ones that play a big part in my life, I feel like I can also count as allies when it comes to fighting patriarchy/rape culture/whatever--not because they proclaim themselves as feminists (oh lord, I can't imagine the Action Shot kids's reactions if I was to call them feminists) or because I would presume to label them as such, but simply because they act like humans and not giant walking phalluses (phalli? What's the plural of "phallus"? And what's my life come to that I'm even asking this question?). Society (again, in the abstract) doesn't raise our boys to be human, but rather to be superhuman; to succeed on the playing field and in the bedroom; to know what they're doing all the time and be expected to take all initiative; to not need human connection and compassion but only conquest. But all the boys in my life are very human, very vulnerable (some more than others), and very dear to me. I seem to have a talent for surrounding myself with people who buck the norms, so obviously I'm not speaking from an objective perspective (is any perspective truly objective?), but I can't throw myself into a cause that doesn't seem to leave any place for the men in my life who are such amazing people.
I was having a discussion similar to this on a LJ community that I'm part of, and another member pointed out that if there's going to be a substantial cultural movement to redefine "masculinity" (as there is one currently fighting to redefine "femininity"), it has to come from men. Which is true. And I think there is one, of sorts; it's not organized and not even really conscious (not in the sense that the feminist movement is), but there are plenty of men who have independently decided that the traditional masculine mindset and lifestyle is not for them. Hopefully this post doesn't come off as pitying men, just as I hope it doesn't come off as discounting the experiences of female victims of sexual assault. I guess I just wish there was more dialogue about these sorts of things in general; feminists generally concentrate on women's issues and men either don't feel the need, or don't feel wanted or justified, in bringing up their own issues. And there's very little dialogue between men and women about gender issues that I've seen (barring the conversations that I as an individual have had with boys about it). And I think that's a shame. I'm not saying that cross-gender dialogue, or male rape statistics, or male social stereotypes should take over the discussions that are currently focused on women. But it would be nice if they played a little larger part.
And those are my thoughts for the night. spaceheater and scary_kisses, please file this post in the (heretofore empty) "Becca is secretly straight" drawer. Exhibit B, Robin! ;)
This is what I mean: the signs on the sidewalk surrounding the march that said, "LADIES! March! This way! ---->". The signs proclaiming the rally area to be a "rape free zone" with lots of happy stick people in skirts, presumably gallavanting around with no fear of being raped. The plethora of statistics quoted of how many women are raped every year, every hour, every minute, in every state; but only one mention of how many men are raped. The fact that there were no male speakers (though there was one male radical cheerleader, which was heartening).
I don't mean to minimize or dismiss the effect that rape and sexual assault has on the female half of our population; or to deny that women are targeted for sexual and domestic violence far more often than men. But the fact that, in 45 minutes of speeches by five different people, there was only ONE mention of men as anything other than perpetrators bothers me. Maybe it's bound to happen in a rally designed to expose sexual violence. But men are victims too [EDIT: men are also allies], and that needs to be acknowledged at least a little. Men are raped, men are groped, men are ridiculed for acting feminine (by other men and by women). And every time a brother/father/boyfriend/friend has to hold their sister/daughter/girlfriend/friend who is in tears because she got raped last night; every time a current boyfriend has to pay for the crimes of the ex-boyfriend (or of the guy in the parking lot, for that matter) because fear responses don't always differentiate bodies from body type; I feel like the guy is, to some extent, a sort of "peripheral victim." Of course his feelings can't compare to the violation that the woman is feeling, and I'm not implying that. But in our individualistic culture, we sometimes have a hard time remembering that the victim isn't the only one who bleeds; and if a woman who is sexually assaulted happens to be straight, the person who is most likely to catch and have to deal with whatever psychological trauma she has left over from her experience is going to be the men she tries to have intimate relationships with.
In the fight against sexual assault, it seems like men are too often either invisible or viewed solely as perpetrators. Some would say that it's about damn time men learned that they're not the focus of everything (implying that there's something to be gained from invisibility, or from being discounted entirely), but I'm uncomfortable with this too, because (and recognizing that a lot of this has to do with sheer dumb luck) by and large most of the men in my life have been kind, sensitive, loving individuals (key word here being individuals, and not just embodiments of some abstract stereotype). I can rant and rave about how our society raises men to be jocks who score, not just on the playing field but in the bedroom, but this theory hasn't really played out in my own personal life. Which is not to say it's not real; straight white male privilege is very real. But I have a hard time getting excited about fighting something that is real to me only in the abstract. I mean, okay--there are loud and obnoxious men at bars and on busses; there are asshole prosecutors that I read about in the paper; there are guys who proposition me on the street; there was the babysitter that molested me when I was seven (I guess I just outed myself on LJ). But all the boys that I count as friends, all the ones that play a big part in my life, I feel like I can also count as allies when it comes to fighting patriarchy/rape culture/whatever--not because they proclaim themselves as feminists (oh lord, I can't imagine the Action Shot kids's reactions if I was to call them feminists) or because I would presume to label them as such, but simply because they act like humans and not giant walking phalluses (phalli? What's the plural of "phallus"? And what's my life come to that I'm even asking this question?). Society (again, in the abstract) doesn't raise our boys to be human, but rather to be superhuman; to succeed on the playing field and in the bedroom; to know what they're doing all the time and be expected to take all initiative; to not need human connection and compassion but only conquest. But all the boys in my life are very human, very vulnerable (some more than others), and very dear to me. I seem to have a talent for surrounding myself with people who buck the norms, so obviously I'm not speaking from an objective perspective (is any perspective truly objective?), but I can't throw myself into a cause that doesn't seem to leave any place for the men in my life who are such amazing people.
I was having a discussion similar to this on a LJ community that I'm part of, and another member pointed out that if there's going to be a substantial cultural movement to redefine "masculinity" (as there is one currently fighting to redefine "femininity"), it has to come from men. Which is true. And I think there is one, of sorts; it's not organized and not even really conscious (not in the sense that the feminist movement is), but there are plenty of men who have independently decided that the traditional masculine mindset and lifestyle is not for them. Hopefully this post doesn't come off as pitying men, just as I hope it doesn't come off as discounting the experiences of female victims of sexual assault. I guess I just wish there was more dialogue about these sorts of things in general; feminists generally concentrate on women's issues and men either don't feel the need, or don't feel wanted or justified, in bringing up their own issues. And there's very little dialogue between men and women about gender issues that I've seen (barring the conversations that I as an individual have had with boys about it). And I think that's a shame. I'm not saying that cross-gender dialogue, or male rape statistics, or male social stereotypes should take over the discussions that are currently focused on women. But it would be nice if they played a little larger part.
And those are my thoughts for the night. spaceheater and scary_kisses, please file this post in the (heretofore empty) "Becca is secretly straight" drawer. Exhibit B, Robin! ;)