Stressin
This weekend was kind of rough. My sister came down from Tallahassee, which was a good thing. The problem is that my mom sets up expectations for how she wants things to be, and thus she tries to be controlling of the situation. I in turn get frustrated, and I revert to my old habits of manipulating, complainging, and making this all around more miserable. I caught myself doing this and I apologized for my behavior. I was then able to point out to my mom what she was doing. Thanks to her participation in family therapy, she was able to see what I was talking about and all things were good.
Later on Sunday, after she had dropped me off, I went to a meeting at residential. Usually I don't do this, but I had two motives. 1. it was an easy meeting to go to. By this I mean I was stressed from the weekend and it is very comfortable place where I can hide. 2. I get to see Vivi whom I haven't seen in a while. She asked me to take her to Starbucks. This made me happy, for she never shows any interest in hanging out with me, and I looked forward to it. Unfortunatly the girl usually has unforseen and unmentioned plans... When I got there I saw that her brother was there. I thought to myself "Well, silly me, this wasn't just to hang out with me, but ok." Then I walk inside to go to the bathroom and her ex-boyfriend is there playing guitar. This made me upset and it hurt. I do what I know to do in this situation and just left. I feel that I have no real right to be upset because she is unaware of my feelings to the extent that I never expressed them, but you have to be completely insensitve to not have clue. It also bothers me because this is my typical shit. As in: A. girl that I am "just friends" with whom I have a crush on; B. girl has a boyfriend who is a proven asshole; C. girl in a sense chooses asshole over sweet, kind, and trustworthy me.
My head tells me that she is undeserving of my feelings and that I need to find a nice girl. My heart doesn't really care much for what my head thinks, nor does it seem to like nice girls. I've resolved that when I find a girl that my head and my heart agree on, that is when it will be good, and that then I will be ready. Typical addict in me wants it now, however I know that I am not ready yet. Sometimes it gets lonely being valiently alone.
After that happend, I went food shopping which didn't help. then I get home and the house manager who also had a bad day accuses me of breaking the big screen t.v. This is the final straw and I just criend when I was putting my groceries away. I hate feelings sometimes and I could see why I repressed them so much.
I want to get out of this 3/4 way house as soon as possible. I feel more comfortable with a home where my rules apply, and not some kooky house managers.
Today was better. I woke up early and worked out. Went to therapy, and then I saw Dave speak at the coral room. I hung out with some friends on some island somewhere, and I watched 40 year old virgin. That guy is a lot like me in some ways.
I need to get my petition thing done tomorrow, or I will be in some trouble. I have a shit ton of things to do and apperantly that never stops. Life is just a constant pain in the ass with small glimpses of happiness. It's better then what I was doing before, but it requires a lot more work.
Later on Sunday, after she had dropped me off, I went to a meeting at residential. Usually I don't do this, but I had two motives. 1. it was an easy meeting to go to. By this I mean I was stressed from the weekend and it is very comfortable place where I can hide. 2. I get to see Vivi whom I haven't seen in a while. She asked me to take her to Starbucks. This made me happy, for she never shows any interest in hanging out with me, and I looked forward to it. Unfortunatly the girl usually has unforseen and unmentioned plans... When I got there I saw that her brother was there. I thought to myself "Well, silly me, this wasn't just to hang out with me, but ok." Then I walk inside to go to the bathroom and her ex-boyfriend is there playing guitar. This made me upset and it hurt. I do what I know to do in this situation and just left. I feel that I have no real right to be upset because she is unaware of my feelings to the extent that I never expressed them, but you have to be completely insensitve to not have clue. It also bothers me because this is my typical shit. As in: A. girl that I am "just friends" with whom I have a crush on; B. girl has a boyfriend who is a proven asshole; C. girl in a sense chooses asshole over sweet, kind, and trustworthy me.
My head tells me that she is undeserving of my feelings and that I need to find a nice girl. My heart doesn't really care much for what my head thinks, nor does it seem to like nice girls. I've resolved that when I find a girl that my head and my heart agree on, that is when it will be good, and that then I will be ready. Typical addict in me wants it now, however I know that I am not ready yet. Sometimes it gets lonely being valiently alone.
After that happend, I went food shopping which didn't help. then I get home and the house manager who also had a bad day accuses me of breaking the big screen t.v. This is the final straw and I just criend when I was putting my groceries away. I hate feelings sometimes and I could see why I repressed them so much.
I want to get out of this 3/4 way house as soon as possible. I feel more comfortable with a home where my rules apply, and not some kooky house managers.
Today was better. I woke up early and worked out. Went to therapy, and then I saw Dave speak at the coral room. I hung out with some friends on some island somewhere, and I watched 40 year old virgin. That guy is a lot like me in some ways.
I need to get my petition thing done tomorrow, or I will be in some trouble. I have a shit ton of things to do and apperantly that never stops. Life is just a constant pain in the ass with small glimpses of happiness. It's better then what I was doing before, but it requires a lot more work.