life gave me lemonade and i cant imagine why.
ok so whenever i'm alone like...just thinking about shit i cant come to any conclusions.
gaahhhhh its so hard to explain and i just wanna write about it so dont think i'm a freak i just need to get this outta my head and see if i can make any sense of it.
so what i started thinking about tonite when i came home was all the people i saw and how it was a good day...blah blah blah normal stuff. but then i started thinking about how my life is so cookie cutter. like...obv not completely there are many many things in my life that arent perfect but thats not really what i'm getting at. like...i graduated high school, i'm going to college for 4 years or more, then i'll graduate, get a job, get married, have a kid or 2, retire, die. the end.
like i hear ppl talk about how they wanna get away...milwaukee's not the place for them, they need to travel, do something with their life etc. for example one of my cousins i kinda had a heart to heart with who is from iowa...he's like 21 and just got back from amsterdam or something like a day before we went up north. and he's traveled all of europe studying abroad and all this cool shit. and to be honest i would absloutely love to do that...but i'm afraid it would somehow conflict with my cookie cutter life. i imagine all the crazy cool people i could meet and cultures i could get to know but if i dont meet those people and dont live out their cultures then....what? nothing...i just go on doing my thing right?
the thing is tho that i would love to get out and stop being so cliche and stop following the norm and be passionate about something. i think thats my problem. i wanna do something i wanna be adventurous i wanna grow the balls to just up and hitchhike to another state, or fly overseas for a couple months just to see what else is out there, but i'm not passionate about it. the only thing i think i honestly had a passion for was softball, and i will probably never play competetively ever again in my life. i love the violin, and rugby, but i'm not passionate about either of those. i feel almost like its too late for that kinda stuff. maybe in college i'll find a club or something that i get really into. but for right now i dont even know what i'm going to school for.
ugh. its just so frusterating that i feel like i wanna change something and i wanna go out there and suprise myself with a new experience and i wanna see what else it outside of wisconsin, and the US for that matter but i dont wanna force myself to be that way. a lot of my friends are the same way as me with the whole i graduated high school, i'm going to college for 4 years or more, then i'll graduate, get a job, get married, have a kid or 2, retire, die. the end. maybe theres nothing wrong with that. maybe its ok to live to support yourself and ur family and be happy and if thats all i accomplish in life then fine.
thats why i get so damn confused because i see both kinds of people every day. i see the adventerous crazy people that are passionate about things and spend time supporting their passions whether the future for the situation seems bright or not, and i see my friends going to college and not questioning whether there is something greater than themselves out there.
but now that i think about it i used to go on those mission trips and meet so many awesome people, whether they made an strong impression on me or not so much...there are a few people i have not forgotten and that pumps me up. knowing that i met such cool people and had such great experiences and i would love to do it again...its just...doesnt seem that easy when i have to instigate these things on my own. but see that stuff was easy for me when i was all gung ho about the god thing. well actually by no means gung ho but thats another thing i've lost a lot of touch with is my faith. even tho i'm so indecisive about my religious beliefs. thats one thing i am very jealous of tho. i almost wish i had the faith that other people have. whether it be in god, buddah, any other religous figures, or something even not religious aka whatever else people can believe. (see i'm not even educated enough to know what else kinda shit u can believe in) but i envy people that can drop everything and say / pray to god and say i live for you. people that can honestly say that shit at church and mean it. they can honestly say i will love you unconditionally as a god and i will follow your commandments and i will basically put my life into your hands because i believe that you have a plan for me and i believe that as long as i have my faith in you, you will forgive me and i will go into your heaven and that is what i live for.
you have to have such a strong passion for something in order to say with all honesty that you LIVE FOR something. that is seriously so powerful to me. and i have none of that in my life. not just faith wise but with anything. politics is another thing. i'm going to a school CRAZY about politics and a very liberal school as well. a majority of my political views are conservative, but i actually cant even say that with confidence considering i dont kno shit about politics. but i really want to be able to go to school with at least a little knowledge of what my beliefs are so i can hold my own, but its so hard to talk to someone about politics without getting a biased explanation. blah...i guess what this whole thing really comes down to is just that i need to not push my emotions and thoughts. if i think one way i shouldnt force myself to see it from the other side but i was always told was a good idea. i was always told that i should try to look at both sides of the spectrum i just didnt think that i would be so concerned about the other side. i want to say i should just go with the flow, and see what happens. maybe down the road my outlook on life as a whole will change. i just dont want opportunities to pass me by while i'm just coasting thru life.
whatever my brain is about to explode. if u read this...ur a trooper. lol. no more thinking for the night. i need rest. i'm gonna be legal in 23 HOURS!!!
gaahhhhh its so hard to explain and i just wanna write about it so dont think i'm a freak i just need to get this outta my head and see if i can make any sense of it.
so what i started thinking about tonite when i came home was all the people i saw and how it was a good day...blah blah blah normal stuff. but then i started thinking about how my life is so cookie cutter. like...obv not completely there are many many things in my life that arent perfect but thats not really what i'm getting at. like...i graduated high school, i'm going to college for 4 years or more, then i'll graduate, get a job, get married, have a kid or 2, retire, die. the end.
like i hear ppl talk about how they wanna get away...milwaukee's not the place for them, they need to travel, do something with their life etc. for example one of my cousins i kinda had a heart to heart with who is from iowa...he's like 21 and just got back from amsterdam or something like a day before we went up north. and he's traveled all of europe studying abroad and all this cool shit. and to be honest i would absloutely love to do that...but i'm afraid it would somehow conflict with my cookie cutter life. i imagine all the crazy cool people i could meet and cultures i could get to know but if i dont meet those people and dont live out their cultures then....what? nothing...i just go on doing my thing right?
the thing is tho that i would love to get out and stop being so cliche and stop following the norm and be passionate about something. i think thats my problem. i wanna do something i wanna be adventurous i wanna grow the balls to just up and hitchhike to another state, or fly overseas for a couple months just to see what else is out there, but i'm not passionate about it. the only thing i think i honestly had a passion for was softball, and i will probably never play competetively ever again in my life. i love the violin, and rugby, but i'm not passionate about either of those. i feel almost like its too late for that kinda stuff. maybe in college i'll find a club or something that i get really into. but for right now i dont even know what i'm going to school for.
ugh. its just so frusterating that i feel like i wanna change something and i wanna go out there and suprise myself with a new experience and i wanna see what else it outside of wisconsin, and the US for that matter but i dont wanna force myself to be that way. a lot of my friends are the same way as me with the whole i graduated high school, i'm going to college for 4 years or more, then i'll graduate, get a job, get married, have a kid or 2, retire, die. the end. maybe theres nothing wrong with that. maybe its ok to live to support yourself and ur family and be happy and if thats all i accomplish in life then fine.
thats why i get so damn confused because i see both kinds of people every day. i see the adventerous crazy people that are passionate about things and spend time supporting their passions whether the future for the situation seems bright or not, and i see my friends going to college and not questioning whether there is something greater than themselves out there.
but now that i think about it i used to go on those mission trips and meet so many awesome people, whether they made an strong impression on me or not so much...there are a few people i have not forgotten and that pumps me up. knowing that i met such cool people and had such great experiences and i would love to do it again...its just...doesnt seem that easy when i have to instigate these things on my own. but see that stuff was easy for me when i was all gung ho about the god thing. well actually by no means gung ho but thats another thing i've lost a lot of touch with is my faith. even tho i'm so indecisive about my religious beliefs. thats one thing i am very jealous of tho. i almost wish i had the faith that other people have. whether it be in god, buddah, any other religous figures, or something even not religious aka whatever else people can believe. (see i'm not even educated enough to know what else kinda shit u can believe in) but i envy people that can drop everything and say / pray to god and say i live for you. people that can honestly say that shit at church and mean it. they can honestly say i will love you unconditionally as a god and i will follow your commandments and i will basically put my life into your hands because i believe that you have a plan for me and i believe that as long as i have my faith in you, you will forgive me and i will go into your heaven and that is what i live for.
you have to have such a strong passion for something in order to say with all honesty that you LIVE FOR something. that is seriously so powerful to me. and i have none of that in my life. not just faith wise but with anything. politics is another thing. i'm going to a school CRAZY about politics and a very liberal school as well. a majority of my political views are conservative, but i actually cant even say that with confidence considering i dont kno shit about politics. but i really want to be able to go to school with at least a little knowledge of what my beliefs are so i can hold my own, but its so hard to talk to someone about politics without getting a biased explanation. blah...i guess what this whole thing really comes down to is just that i need to not push my emotions and thoughts. if i think one way i shouldnt force myself to see it from the other side but i was always told was a good idea. i was always told that i should try to look at both sides of the spectrum i just didnt think that i would be so concerned about the other side. i want to say i should just go with the flow, and see what happens. maybe down the road my outlook on life as a whole will change. i just dont want opportunities to pass me by while i'm just coasting thru life.
whatever my brain is about to explode. if u read this...ur a trooper. lol. no more thinking for the night. i need rest. i'm gonna be legal in 23 HOURS!!!