been thinking...........
Well today i think i came in terms with myself. Marissa helped us out on pulldowns, and i noticed something finally. I'll start from the beginning.
I was on my way home from pulldowns and i was at the red light waiting right in front of stonewood mall. And the light took literally like 5 minutes to change. And i had the radio off, so i began thinking. And i looked to the right, and noticed the empty parking lot. And i had a flashback. Three years ago almost. Me and marissa had just gotten together. We went to stonewood mall to buy a book and as we walked out around 9:30 or so on a weekday night, the mall closed and we got in my car. Suddenly, we were making out for hours on end...and it was nice, real nice. We lost track of time, next thing we know its like 1 in the morning and we didn't care, we got lost in the moment. And as the relationship progressed, i've noticed the physical side of the relationship and such moments like stonewood are slim to none. And that made me really depressed and sad.
I tried as usal to kiss my gf tonight. And as we made our way to the 3&4 clubhouse, she kissed me once for like 5 sec. when she noticed, hehe i was sorta happy if you catch my drift. So i laughed it off, and went in the hut to turn off lights, as i proceded to go for another kiss yet again. But i got the 2 second kiss and the back-off routine with "hurry up, i'm gonna fall asleep." And as usual, i shrugged it off and we continued on our way.
And it wasn't until i saw the parking lot that i actually felt like sadness and depression. And i started to kinda cry. Why i don't know. Maybe the realization that i've let that physical side of me drift away. And finally, i think my body and mind have given up on trying. I'm not saying i don't love her to death or still plan to marry that girl one day. Because that's not the case. Because i love her more than the world. I just think that finally, that part of jesus has died, and it hurt. I'll explain.
For awhile now, i've felt sort of a jelousy for everyone else, Just going through everyday life. I see victor and jessica running to the prize room for their weekly quickie, i see vero and danny macking up a storm in the back, i see hickies on the employees necks, and i see customers on the golf courses making out and enjoying being young not including all the stories of fun adventures from all the golf girls or atcade guys. And i look at my own relationship. I see that physically, me and rissa really don't do any of that anymore. we still say we love each other, and we still kiss hello and goodbye, and that's as far as it goes. And i remember ris' stories. Her stories of her and tony. And despite her saying that she knew it was over after the first year, there were many memories made it seems. And i'm happy there was actually, i really am. But i guess i missed out on all that and that's sorta something i have to deal with. Marissa was my first and proably will be my only. And i don't mind that at all. I'm kinda glad. But i guess my heart just wishes that maybe some of those memories would be mine. Maybe its jelousy, maybe a longing to just be young and dumb. She lived out her fun years, i never had them.
She asked me tonight, do you not find me attractive anymore or do I like anyone else, and the answer is not really. I still love her and find her to be the girl i fell in love with, but i think physically, over the years, that willingness of being adventourous and outgoing have all but died. I'm not the same anymore, and that's because of the rejection issue of time and time again being cut off from trying to kiss her more than just a peck. And tonight, i finally realized, its just not her..and its unfair of me to expect her to be someone she's not. One thing of being in love, is accepting one's faults and working with them. Its called compromise. And i think my body and mind realized that tonight.
I personally longed so much for hours of kissing. Just the type i am. I prefer macking out and looking into each others eyes for hours over sex anyday. And sadly, you don't find many of me anymore. All guys want these days is sex. They care to please themselves, get theirs, and be done with it. Not me. I like to make sure my girl is taken care of. That she enjoys every minute of it, even if its just macking out for hours. But by today's standards, that makes me an obsolete model. Maybe i'm supposed to give into my guy role of not caring about macking out, about simply wanting to get laid all the time, but sadly its not what i long for.
And hopefully, this realization will change who i am and lead me in a better direction. All the fights caused by me complaining avoided now that i realize it's me and has been me all along. The type of person i am is just a handful to handle. I'm just gonna accept it that in order for us to work, i'm gonna have to change, and have. Marissa is not the lovey type. She has changed alot for me and i can't ask for much more. I'm just gonna have to deal with it. I know that....
Well, i'm off to bed, i have a headache. I had it all day and crying tonight seems to have made it worse. Tomorrow's another day. I've just been highly streessed with all those hours of work, plus worrying about having my mom meet marissa before my "deadline." I just have too much on my mind. I just don't know if i can handle all this before i just breakdown. I think my depression is coming back, guess after awhile, you realize the depressed you is the real you and the happy you is the fake cover-up that takes energy to pull off. I am looking foward to san diego though, caus ethose days, things will seem great like they did in laughlin.
I was on my way home from pulldowns and i was at the red light waiting right in front of stonewood mall. And the light took literally like 5 minutes to change. And i had the radio off, so i began thinking. And i looked to the right, and noticed the empty parking lot. And i had a flashback. Three years ago almost. Me and marissa had just gotten together. We went to stonewood mall to buy a book and as we walked out around 9:30 or so on a weekday night, the mall closed and we got in my car. Suddenly, we were making out for hours on end...and it was nice, real nice. We lost track of time, next thing we know its like 1 in the morning and we didn't care, we got lost in the moment. And as the relationship progressed, i've noticed the physical side of the relationship and such moments like stonewood are slim to none. And that made me really depressed and sad.
I tried as usal to kiss my gf tonight. And as we made our way to the 3&4 clubhouse, she kissed me once for like 5 sec. when she noticed, hehe i was sorta happy if you catch my drift. So i laughed it off, and went in the hut to turn off lights, as i proceded to go for another kiss yet again. But i got the 2 second kiss and the back-off routine with "hurry up, i'm gonna fall asleep." And as usual, i shrugged it off and we continued on our way.
And it wasn't until i saw the parking lot that i actually felt like sadness and depression. And i started to kinda cry. Why i don't know. Maybe the realization that i've let that physical side of me drift away. And finally, i think my body and mind have given up on trying. I'm not saying i don't love her to death or still plan to marry that girl one day. Because that's not the case. Because i love her more than the world. I just think that finally, that part of jesus has died, and it hurt. I'll explain.
For awhile now, i've felt sort of a jelousy for everyone else, Just going through everyday life. I see victor and jessica running to the prize room for their weekly quickie, i see vero and danny macking up a storm in the back, i see hickies on the employees necks, and i see customers on the golf courses making out and enjoying being young not including all the stories of fun adventures from all the golf girls or atcade guys. And i look at my own relationship. I see that physically, me and rissa really don't do any of that anymore. we still say we love each other, and we still kiss hello and goodbye, and that's as far as it goes. And i remember ris' stories. Her stories of her and tony. And despite her saying that she knew it was over after the first year, there were many memories made it seems. And i'm happy there was actually, i really am. But i guess i missed out on all that and that's sorta something i have to deal with. Marissa was my first and proably will be my only. And i don't mind that at all. I'm kinda glad. But i guess my heart just wishes that maybe some of those memories would be mine. Maybe its jelousy, maybe a longing to just be young and dumb. She lived out her fun years, i never had them.
She asked me tonight, do you not find me attractive anymore or do I like anyone else, and the answer is not really. I still love her and find her to be the girl i fell in love with, but i think physically, over the years, that willingness of being adventourous and outgoing have all but died. I'm not the same anymore, and that's because of the rejection issue of time and time again being cut off from trying to kiss her more than just a peck. And tonight, i finally realized, its just not her..and its unfair of me to expect her to be someone she's not. One thing of being in love, is accepting one's faults and working with them. Its called compromise. And i think my body and mind realized that tonight.
I personally longed so much for hours of kissing. Just the type i am. I prefer macking out and looking into each others eyes for hours over sex anyday. And sadly, you don't find many of me anymore. All guys want these days is sex. They care to please themselves, get theirs, and be done with it. Not me. I like to make sure my girl is taken care of. That she enjoys every minute of it, even if its just macking out for hours. But by today's standards, that makes me an obsolete model. Maybe i'm supposed to give into my guy role of not caring about macking out, about simply wanting to get laid all the time, but sadly its not what i long for.
And hopefully, this realization will change who i am and lead me in a better direction. All the fights caused by me complaining avoided now that i realize it's me and has been me all along. The type of person i am is just a handful to handle. I'm just gonna accept it that in order for us to work, i'm gonna have to change, and have. Marissa is not the lovey type. She has changed alot for me and i can't ask for much more. I'm just gonna have to deal with it. I know that....
Well, i'm off to bed, i have a headache. I had it all day and crying tonight seems to have made it worse. Tomorrow's another day. I've just been highly streessed with all those hours of work, plus worrying about having my mom meet marissa before my "deadline." I just have too much on my mind. I just don't know if i can handle all this before i just breakdown. I think my depression is coming back, guess after awhile, you realize the depressed you is the real you and the happy you is the fake cover-up that takes energy to pull off. I am looking foward to san diego though, caus ethose days, things will seem great like they did in laughlin.