I Can't Do This Anymore
It seems that everytime I update this journal, it's with something depressing. But my life is really that depressing. In all honesty, I can't do this anymore. Yes I know everyone has their on and off days, but mine is a daily thing. Sure, suicide has crossed my mind. Hell, it has many of times for the past couple of years. Have I attempted it? Yes. Then why am I still here? I honestly have no clue.
It's one thing to think everyone straight out hates you, but when you swear that it is everyone's goal to put you down...you just don't seem to have the energy to fight back. That seems to be my problem...I take this bullshit everyday to where I can't handle it. What kind of bullshit, one might ask. Just in my house alone, I can not go one hour without someone down my throat about something. It doesn't even have to be my fault. I'm their target and it's finally eating away at me.
For example today, I do something nice for my mom, to help her out with my twin and what do I get in return? A lecture. For what? For something that my sister pissed her off with. Then finally she started to bring one of my only friends into it. I ticked and a fight broke out, and even my friend couldn't talk me out of it. So I just fucking left. Hopped into my car and just left.
I always says that I'm going to up and leave, but I never do. Someone pointed out to me that it's better to plan it out then just up and leave. I appreciate his words of advice, but when you've been dealing with this shit for four years...you just can't seem to take it anymore. I mean come on. I get into verbal fights with my family for "raising" my voice at them. They don't listen to me, so I get a little bit louder for them to hear me. Not to start a fucking fight.
Like right now, as I am writing this...I asked my mom nicely to stop yelling, I have a bad headache and what does she do...yells about anything and fucking everything she can. And loud as she can right next to me.
It's getting to the point to where I'm having second thoughts. Like what? Just a couple of weeks ago I had a slight car accident on the highway. The people that looked at my car said with the way the windshield cracked...it should have killed me. Sometimes I wish it did. It's killing my best friend for me to be like this, but I can't help it. She's my lifepartner. She's like my sister. And she's tried to help me, but I don't think I can be helped. I just want out and everyone is like, then move. If I move to get away, I'm moving out of state. Away from everything. Yes...I know. It's useless to run from your problems but I'd rather hide then face a losing battle. I just can't take it anymore and I really do not want to go back to a mental institute....I'm not insane. Just depressed.
If you read this, I'm sorry you wasted your time. Just forget about me, I'm not important. I'm a waste of time and space. It'll makes things better in the long run.
~Nikki...(LifePartner to some)