The War Inside My Head
If you really care to know what's really going on, then read on. But other then that, I really need to get this out of my head.
I honestly don't know what is fucking wrong with me. However, I do know whatever it is, it's making me want to end my life. Sad, I know. But between working from 4am to 1pm everyday so far since Wednesday of last week, to my boyfriend and I fighting, to everyday shit I have to deal with here at home...I think I'm losing my mind. The only way I find peace is locked away within my bedroom and in the dark.
I haven't eaten in a week. I'm lucky if I have 10 hours of sleep under my belt since last weekend (that's more then 8 days here on 10 hours of sleep). The stress is giving me non-stop headaches. I can be cheerful, outgoing and hype as hell one minute then be wanting to pull me hair out the next. I'm not getting mad at anyone, If I end up in a conversation that will be ending in a disagreement, I just become silent and refuse to put my two cents in to start that arguement. I want everyone around me to be happy, so I'm straight up lying to their face that I am fine because I'm really not. I'm finding myself wanting to pack all of my important belongings and just hopping in my car before driving off to somewhere where I do not know anyone.
I find myself hiding from this world because I believe I am not that important to anyone. I'm just that one person who will go out of their way to help ours, but never receives any help from themself from others. I help others off of their ledge, but I have nobody to help me from mine. So here I find myself staring over the edge of my ledge. I'm really just wanting to jump and end it all, but I'm hesitating because maybe someone will save me. Maybe I am important to someone else. But I'll never know, huh?
So now I'm waiting for tomorrow to come. To see if I'm still alive or to see if there is something new to push me even further into my depression. If someone does happen to read this, I am not asking for pity. I'm just writing out what's going on in my head. Maybe someone will know how to help me sort out this war within my head before it's too late. Before I do something to end it all in general.
~Nikki
I honestly don't know what is fucking wrong with me. However, I do know whatever it is, it's making me want to end my life. Sad, I know. But between working from 4am to 1pm everyday so far since Wednesday of last week, to my boyfriend and I fighting, to everyday shit I have to deal with here at home...I think I'm losing my mind. The only way I find peace is locked away within my bedroom and in the dark.
I haven't eaten in a week. I'm lucky if I have 10 hours of sleep under my belt since last weekend (that's more then 8 days here on 10 hours of sleep). The stress is giving me non-stop headaches. I can be cheerful, outgoing and hype as hell one minute then be wanting to pull me hair out the next. I'm not getting mad at anyone, If I end up in a conversation that will be ending in a disagreement, I just become silent and refuse to put my two cents in to start that arguement. I want everyone around me to be happy, so I'm straight up lying to their face that I am fine because I'm really not. I'm finding myself wanting to pack all of my important belongings and just hopping in my car before driving off to somewhere where I do not know anyone.
I find myself hiding from this world because I believe I am not that important to anyone. I'm just that one person who will go out of their way to help ours, but never receives any help from themself from others. I help others off of their ledge, but I have nobody to help me from mine. So here I find myself staring over the edge of my ledge. I'm really just wanting to jump and end it all, but I'm hesitating because maybe someone will save me. Maybe I am important to someone else. But I'll never know, huh?
So now I'm waiting for tomorrow to come. To see if I'm still alive or to see if there is something new to push me even further into my depression. If someone does happen to read this, I am not asking for pity. I'm just writing out what's going on in my head. Maybe someone will know how to help me sort out this war within my head before it's too late. Before I do something to end it all in general.
~Nikki