here i am again
i want to go back to writing in my journal, bitching in silence and solitude. I have nobody who wants to listen to my bitching and moaning anymore, but maybe I'll find a new best friend sometime after I get settled into a career and whatnot. When I do talk to friends/family they just nod and let me talk and say it'll all work out either way. They're awesome for doing that, but I'd rather have a nice, upbeat conversation and not have to vent in what little time i have to spend with people.
i've been with bryan hurley for almost a year and a half now. we went through some very hard months, went to a couple counseling sessions, he had his little epiphany from spending the night in jail, and now he's better. he still acts like an asshole at least one morning every weekend. he says we're doing good because we only argue or piss each other off like once or twice a week, but i stil think that's pretty fucked up seeing as how we only spend half of saturdays and most sundays together. yea we have lived together for almost a year and 3 months. he was a great help in the beginning, i think, then slacked off for a few months while he was going through job troubles, then he stopped coming home like 3-4 nights a week to go get drunk and fish, then bam landed in jail and decided to change things because he doesnt wana lose me. then a couple weeks ago he suggested reina stop calling him dad, he would be irresponsible to ever have a child of his own, something else, and i was like wtf?! but then he says we can revisit the whole child thing at another time. yea the details can come later, but you can know now whether or not you want to have a child and make adjustments and decisions to get there.
mother's day was absolutely awful btw. every time he fucks up, he gets pissed and takes it out on me, then says he's always the bad guy and half ass apologizes. i don't know what to do. i'm going to do some extra self reflecting next month because i will be taking an online class. last week and moreso the week before i think i fell into a mini depression episode, felt ill and weak for a week and a half. i came out of that, but now, i don't really feel any emotion towards him, good or bad. i just keep wondering a googling what i should do and i cant focus on school as much as id like to. we have argued or gotten pissed at each other every vacation we've gone on. IS THAT NORMAL? why cant anyone give me a straight answer? even if it is normal though, i cant imagine having to deal with that shit forever and always. shouldnt i have someone who can brighten my day and lift my mood instead of me always having to be the one to diffuse the situation when he wants to act like an immature brat? i feel bad... not excited to see him, not excited to see him calling, not excited to see his text, and now hes just telling me how much he wont like my hair if i cut it in a long bob kinda like reinas because it is bugging me so much. shouldnt i be able to talk to him about everything and not feel like i need to hold back or try to change my mind about cutting MY hair? i do walk on eggshells a lot with him because im constantly saying things the "wrong way" and could have said it in a nicer way blah blah blah. are you 12? do i always need to be worried about hurting your feelings? he needs to move out. i want things to work, but i HATE feeling like this, kinda empty towards him.
geez... the last 2-3 times we had sex i just didnt wana be there. im not much of a sex driven person anyway, but i consciously try to keep an average of once per week with him to have a healthy physical relationship. sometimes we can go twice in a week and then id like to have a week and a half or even 2 off. he says it doesnt bother him, but im pretty sure it does. hes 25, he doesnt have a kid, he wants to fish in all his free time (not as much anymore supposedly), he works til like 8-9pm multiple nights per week because he has "bills to pay" like the lawyer and his newish lincoln, but that doesnt have anything to do with me. im 27, with an almost 3 year old girl, in school full time, adding on to my debt by the semester at keiser, getting all As so far this year.
Just got back from having lunch with him. he conveniently forgot his wallet. he gives me some money here and there, but he needs to: i pay $35/month for internet, $50/month for household stuff, $65/month for his car insurance, $300+/month for food and he doesn't give me $450/month. on top of that I'm paying $280/month for daycare, $50/month phone bill, $65/moth for my car insurance, $250/month for credit card bills and loan interest. my credit cards are going to start going up again. i need to be patient and wait to make decisions in a couple weeks when i can reflect on my thoughts and feels and not have to work too much on schoolwork.
why doesnt he ever give me a night out to myself like he has all the time? why doesnt he suggest having a date night? im always the one to suggest and plan it. why does he say he will hate my haircut? why don't i get even a lil happy to see him?why does reina insist on calling him dad/daddy? it fucking sucks and hurts. if it were just me i wouldve definitely broke up with him about 2 months ago when he wasnt coming home, but i was too involved and busy with school and shit to do anything about it except get mad and vent to him. then he responds with "im always the bad guy." man if i hear that one more time... why did it take this long for him to halfway get his shit back together? he still isnt the greatest, but is that even feasible? how do all these bride-to-be's say their SO is so wonderful and perfect and sweet and lifts them up and treats them like princesses? i don't feel that way AT ALL. i couldnt say those things. if i wait to see if he continues to do better, can i get back to feeling that way like i once did? if i wait, will we still break up and hurt my daughter more than myself anyway? i think i can compare how im feeling now to how i felt with chris, connection for a future just isnt there, but i love him and dont want to hurt him.... plus i dont wana hurt my daughter now too. he doesnt build me up all the time, he constantly makes me sad and upset and annoyed. is it me though? right now i cant get over him telling me hes guna hate my haircut! im afraid to talk to him about this because i think he is just going to get defensive and indignant and say something about how i feel being fucked up when hes been trying so hard lately. i mean, maybe it is fucked up, but it's how i feel.
so lately things that annoy me: his goofy huge smile and posture when he laughs really hard, his rambling about stupid shit in way too much detail and having to defend him and smile when people comment to me about it, his leaving clothes on the floor sometimes, forgetting his wallet, saying things he's guna do- not following thru-then getting pissed and taking it out on me, trying to talk to /distract me when im trying to study, tickling my public region in the morning when im trying to sleep, tickling my boobs and poking me with him half boner in the morning when im trying to sleep, trying to go down on me when im TRYING TO SLEEP, did i mention poking me with him half boner?, putting my hand on his boner every time were in bed, him playing with his penis while talking to me while im trying to do my hw, grabbing my hand and rubbing it on his stomach or back to try to get me to do it IN THE MORNING WHEN IM TRYING TO SLEEP, whining about different injuries every day, and making me want to smoke weed every day so i can not be so caught up in my own head about what the fuck i should do or if there's something wrong with me. oh and i hate the nasty shoes he wears and when were going out as well as a super wrinkly shirt. hes gotta cut his hair and do his eyebrows and give me some alone time if were guna try to make this work, but at the same time, if i tell him im not happy, he may just want to give up instead of wasting anymore time, which could be for the best i guess. i need to study for my final tomorrow, i hope venting will help me to focus...
i've been with bryan hurley for almost a year and a half now. we went through some very hard months, went to a couple counseling sessions, he had his little epiphany from spending the night in jail, and now he's better. he still acts like an asshole at least one morning every weekend. he says we're doing good because we only argue or piss each other off like once or twice a week, but i stil think that's pretty fucked up seeing as how we only spend half of saturdays and most sundays together. yea we have lived together for almost a year and 3 months. he was a great help in the beginning, i think, then slacked off for a few months while he was going through job troubles, then he stopped coming home like 3-4 nights a week to go get drunk and fish, then bam landed in jail and decided to change things because he doesnt wana lose me. then a couple weeks ago he suggested reina stop calling him dad, he would be irresponsible to ever have a child of his own, something else, and i was like wtf?! but then he says we can revisit the whole child thing at another time. yea the details can come later, but you can know now whether or not you want to have a child and make adjustments and decisions to get there.
mother's day was absolutely awful btw. every time he fucks up, he gets pissed and takes it out on me, then says he's always the bad guy and half ass apologizes. i don't know what to do. i'm going to do some extra self reflecting next month because i will be taking an online class. last week and moreso the week before i think i fell into a mini depression episode, felt ill and weak for a week and a half. i came out of that, but now, i don't really feel any emotion towards him, good or bad. i just keep wondering a googling what i should do and i cant focus on school as much as id like to. we have argued or gotten pissed at each other every vacation we've gone on. IS THAT NORMAL? why cant anyone give me a straight answer? even if it is normal though, i cant imagine having to deal with that shit forever and always. shouldnt i have someone who can brighten my day and lift my mood instead of me always having to be the one to diffuse the situation when he wants to act like an immature brat? i feel bad... not excited to see him, not excited to see him calling, not excited to see his text, and now hes just telling me how much he wont like my hair if i cut it in a long bob kinda like reinas because it is bugging me so much. shouldnt i be able to talk to him about everything and not feel like i need to hold back or try to change my mind about cutting MY hair? i do walk on eggshells a lot with him because im constantly saying things the "wrong way" and could have said it in a nicer way blah blah blah. are you 12? do i always need to be worried about hurting your feelings? he needs to move out. i want things to work, but i HATE feeling like this, kinda empty towards him.
geez... the last 2-3 times we had sex i just didnt wana be there. im not much of a sex driven person anyway, but i consciously try to keep an average of once per week with him to have a healthy physical relationship. sometimes we can go twice in a week and then id like to have a week and a half or even 2 off. he says it doesnt bother him, but im pretty sure it does. hes 25, he doesnt have a kid, he wants to fish in all his free time (not as much anymore supposedly), he works til like 8-9pm multiple nights per week because he has "bills to pay" like the lawyer and his newish lincoln, but that doesnt have anything to do with me. im 27, with an almost 3 year old girl, in school full time, adding on to my debt by the semester at keiser, getting all As so far this year.
Just got back from having lunch with him. he conveniently forgot his wallet. he gives me some money here and there, but he needs to: i pay $35/month for internet, $50/month for household stuff, $65/month for his car insurance, $300+/month for food and he doesn't give me $450/month. on top of that I'm paying $280/month for daycare, $50/month phone bill, $65/moth for my car insurance, $250/month for credit card bills and loan interest. my credit cards are going to start going up again. i need to be patient and wait to make decisions in a couple weeks when i can reflect on my thoughts and feels and not have to work too much on schoolwork.
why doesnt he ever give me a night out to myself like he has all the time? why doesnt he suggest having a date night? im always the one to suggest and plan it. why does he say he will hate my haircut? why don't i get even a lil happy to see him?why does reina insist on calling him dad/daddy? it fucking sucks and hurts. if it were just me i wouldve definitely broke up with him about 2 months ago when he wasnt coming home, but i was too involved and busy with school and shit to do anything about it except get mad and vent to him. then he responds with "im always the bad guy." man if i hear that one more time... why did it take this long for him to halfway get his shit back together? he still isnt the greatest, but is that even feasible? how do all these bride-to-be's say their SO is so wonderful and perfect and sweet and lifts them up and treats them like princesses? i don't feel that way AT ALL. i couldnt say those things. if i wait to see if he continues to do better, can i get back to feeling that way like i once did? if i wait, will we still break up and hurt my daughter more than myself anyway? i think i can compare how im feeling now to how i felt with chris, connection for a future just isnt there, but i love him and dont want to hurt him.... plus i dont wana hurt my daughter now too. he doesnt build me up all the time, he constantly makes me sad and upset and annoyed. is it me though? right now i cant get over him telling me hes guna hate my haircut! im afraid to talk to him about this because i think he is just going to get defensive and indignant and say something about how i feel being fucked up when hes been trying so hard lately. i mean, maybe it is fucked up, but it's how i feel.
so lately things that annoy me: his goofy huge smile and posture when he laughs really hard, his rambling about stupid shit in way too much detail and having to defend him and smile when people comment to me about it, his leaving clothes on the floor sometimes, forgetting his wallet, saying things he's guna do- not following thru-then getting pissed and taking it out on me, trying to talk to /distract me when im trying to study, tickling my public region in the morning when im trying to sleep, tickling my boobs and poking me with him half boner in the morning when im trying to sleep, trying to go down on me when im TRYING TO SLEEP, did i mention poking me with him half boner?, putting my hand on his boner every time were in bed, him playing with his penis while talking to me while im trying to do my hw, grabbing my hand and rubbing it on his stomach or back to try to get me to do it IN THE MORNING WHEN IM TRYING TO SLEEP, whining about different injuries every day, and making me want to smoke weed every day so i can not be so caught up in my own head about what the fuck i should do or if there's something wrong with me. oh and i hate the nasty shoes he wears and when were going out as well as a super wrinkly shirt. hes gotta cut his hair and do his eyebrows and give me some alone time if were guna try to make this work, but at the same time, if i tell him im not happy, he may just want to give up instead of wasting anymore time, which could be for the best i guess. i need to study for my final tomorrow, i hope venting will help me to focus...