The pursuit of strength
I spent my younger days stuck in a depression, living with something inside of myself I didn't understand. No one did, and many still don't. My mind lived in a confused state because I was aware of many things I shouldn't have been for my age. Since a small child I have always been very intune with reality, with not much room for escape. And because of that there were also many things most learn and I didn't because I was busy following my own journey. Stuck inside a different depth of perception.
I had to change, I definitely understood that. I was a prisoner of my own mind, and it had taken it's toll. My sensitivity had put me through much more suffering then most kids in my situation. It made me afraid and weak, and I grew tired of it. For a long time death seemed like the only escape from my own torment.
Being weak, would get me nothing but meaningless misery. I had to change, I went on the pursuit of strength. I didn't want to be afraid anymore, insecure, and suffering meaninglessly. I wanted power, and the wisdom to know how to use it.
I started at the basics, breaking everything down to it's fundamental particles. I knew my first and most basic fear as a human being was physical pain. So I hurt myself, mostly by cutting my flesh open with razors. I endured the suffering, and began to embrace it. So I hurt myself well. Enduring suffering is the first step towards strength.
And when I felt ready I took the next step. I got into martial arts. You see once you train yourself in enduring physical pain, you must learn how to inflict it onto others. Flight or fight, the essence to our primal side. Martial arts was an avenue towards strength. Being able to defend and attack, be in harmony with the present moment. I grew stronger physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
I embraced my wisdom, I tried to share my strength with others. I wanted to empower people. But I had not realized at the time I had gone down a road I could no longer go back from.
You see to be stronger I learned to shift my awareness and sensitivity around. I could become more aware of my environment, of my opponent's energy. I tuned down my sensitivity towards pain of every nature, so that I would not hurt as much emotionally and finally let old wounds heal. But it backfired on me.
I couldn't stop it anymore, I couldn't adjust it, I lost control. To the point I'm at now, where I am detached. Detached from my environment, detached from the people around me, detached from this planet as it currently exists. As much as I tried I couldn't force myself to care anymore, my desire for strength has come at a high cost.
The people I wanted to be strong for grew into a smaller part of my life. To the point where I forget they're there sometimes.
On my path I had taken many spiritual journeys. Across the empty cravesses of the mind and into the vast emptiness of deep space. When I came back my perception of everything had changed. Talk about awareness. I saw everything and everyone in the blinding light of truth.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
I had to change, I definitely understood that. I was a prisoner of my own mind, and it had taken it's toll. My sensitivity had put me through much more suffering then most kids in my situation. It made me afraid and weak, and I grew tired of it. For a long time death seemed like the only escape from my own torment.
Being weak, would get me nothing but meaningless misery. I had to change, I went on the pursuit of strength. I didn't want to be afraid anymore, insecure, and suffering meaninglessly. I wanted power, and the wisdom to know how to use it.
I started at the basics, breaking everything down to it's fundamental particles. I knew my first and most basic fear as a human being was physical pain. So I hurt myself, mostly by cutting my flesh open with razors. I endured the suffering, and began to embrace it. So I hurt myself well. Enduring suffering is the first step towards strength.
And when I felt ready I took the next step. I got into martial arts. You see once you train yourself in enduring physical pain, you must learn how to inflict it onto others. Flight or fight, the essence to our primal side. Martial arts was an avenue towards strength. Being able to defend and attack, be in harmony with the present moment. I grew stronger physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
I embraced my wisdom, I tried to share my strength with others. I wanted to empower people. But I had not realized at the time I had gone down a road I could no longer go back from.
You see to be stronger I learned to shift my awareness and sensitivity around. I could become more aware of my environment, of my opponent's energy. I tuned down my sensitivity towards pain of every nature, so that I would not hurt as much emotionally and finally let old wounds heal. But it backfired on me.
I couldn't stop it anymore, I couldn't adjust it, I lost control. To the point I'm at now, where I am detached. Detached from my environment, detached from the people around me, detached from this planet as it currently exists. As much as I tried I couldn't force myself to care anymore, my desire for strength has come at a high cost.
The people I wanted to be strong for grew into a smaller part of my life. To the point where I forget they're there sometimes.
On my path I had taken many spiritual journeys. Across the empty cravesses of the mind and into the vast emptiness of deep space. When I came back my perception of everything had changed. Talk about awareness. I saw everything and everyone in the blinding light of truth.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.