My Mental Breakdown

Jan 17, 2005 03:36

This will not be a private post (I'm gonna regret this already!)-

Tonight I had a breakthrough (though now it's a.m.)-

I am a perfectionist. Not in an OCD or anal retentive way (I don't know if I spelled that right but I don't care)- but in what I call the non-perfectionist perfectionist.

How this works is that I am not perfect (surprise, I know). Then, I get mad at myself for not being perfect. So then, I try to make everyone think that I am perfect: I hide all faults, I try to please everyone, I avoid conflict and decision-making and most of all- I don't fail. Failure to me is- er, was- inacceptable. It was a sign of weakness- a sign of imperfection. And this wasn't acceptable- b/c I am a perfectionist- (of sorts)

and yes, I am asking myself: why? I think it's my oldest sibling thing- at least part of it. Otherwise, I'm not quite sure.

But I do know that I just got over what I think was the hardest thing of my life- coming to terms with that feeling after years and years of trying so hard to please everyone. And this past week was the biggest build-up as I cried and wondered what was going on with me besides being an emotional girly-girl. (You have to understand the extent to which this was just to cry- I never cry- or if I do it's certainly not in front of people. Heck, I remember skinning both my knees when I was in second grade at my best friend Donna's pool. I just walked into the house and asked for two band-aids, please, and Debbie- the mom- just said, "I can't believe you're not crying!" And then (-parentheses with parentheses- yes, this whole night I've just been seeing how all these things I do have some 'perfectionist mentality' behind them) yeah, when I fell of my bike and had to get stitches by my eye- never shed a tear. Granted, that was a long time ago and could easy be attributed to a high-pain tolerance.....

but I don't like people seeing bad photos of me, or (God forbid) having profs think I'm not oh-so-the ideal student.....

I could go on, but I'm ready to move on. I feel like this whole burden is gone- and I think all it will take is getting over the fact that I am not perfect.

So, I'm just smiling at myself b/c I'm seeing the past and now having some hope/peace for the future. ha-

I AM NOT PERFECT! MY BREATH STINKS IN THE MORNING!

Instead of rejecting it, I will embrace it. I don't think anyone can know how amazing I feel at this exact second- considering I just gushed so many tears that I think my eyeballs are going to shrivel into raisins. I feel like looking into the mirror just to see how bad I look! And the worse, the better.

I deserve a tee shirt for this.
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