Scary scary me
Over the past two years I've lost a lot of friends. Not to death (except 1), but just because I cant take it any more. Like Wes' comment on my FB. As well as a few others who have just been so immature, lied repeatedly, or insulted openly my other friends.
Look there's a very big difference between expressing who you are and being a total douche with no respect for others. And then refusing to apologize? The reasoning for refusing to apologize? "Well I'm me and if they dont like it they can fuck off."
Maybe I'm two faced. IDK. I dont swear around kids, I dont use certain terms around certain people because they dont appreciate it. I mean I do that so I dont upset them. I dont give Jessie all the details of my sex life. I dont use the term 'gay' around my friend Jimmie as a substitute for stupid. Does that make me two faced? I guess it kind of does.
But there are some basics I am not wishy washy on.
I dont tolerate people mocking other's religions no matter what the religion may be.
I dont tolerate racial comments (christ even Sean knows better then to use a racial slur around me!).
I dont tolerate people being rude to others just because 'they dont like them' but cant give me a reason way.
Anyone who has known me for longer then a week knows these basic rules. They also know that if they apologize all is ok and things return to normal. If, however, they say "Well fuck anyone who doesnt like me for who I am" and they are clearly hurting others with how they are acting then sorry. Bye bye.
I cant take it any more. I really cant.
Maybe I'm just angry but I have a lot of other stuff going on. Family bs, panic attacks left and right (which I had one today and I'll get to that in a moment), stress, cant sleep, feel sick when I even look at food, and all the weight I gained two weeks ago is now gone along with an extra 3 lbs (I'm at 98 right now).
I'm not saying I wont be there for my friends, but I am not in the mood or place in life right now to deal with bullshit.
As for my panic attack, I was on my way back from Sean's house ( he came with me to pick up some of mystuff at Red's) and the roads were horrible. Solid ice the whole time with snow that my tires couldnt grip. I was driving the van (as Mike had the car at work) and every one was going 20-25 mph. I lost count at how many times the van slid sideways but after the first time I as freakin out. I couldnt control it AT ALL. Normally even in the worse conditions I dont have an issue controlling a car. But this was total loss of control. I ended up pulling over several times to smoke and stop my leg from shaking. During my panic attacks one of my legs always shakes uncontrolably. Well I cant drive with my right leg shaking. IDK how I got home, I think my mind kind of blocked it out, but I made the last 10 miles, pulled into the first drive instead of the third for the park, and drove around the park for 20 minutes trying to find how to get to our house. lol. After I got home Mike held me for about 5 minutes and then I went into the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and did my whole "You're fine, you're safe, nothing wrong, you're right here, everything is ok" thing. This one was about as bad as the one I first I wrote about, though there have been many many ones in between those two. I feel like I am losing my mind. I mean I've always gotten panic attacks (well since I was 9) and I can normally function, but lately there have been so many so close together.
Gah IDK what to do. What if I get a job and this happens at work?