Mirror
Disclaimer: Jericho is not mine.
Mary used to be able to look at herself in the mirror
It was something that never even gave her pause - just a routine part of getting ready. The mirror used to be just an item, a tool, a background fixture in her day. She avoids the mirror now. She tried to tell herself (at first) that it was because it was in a corner that didn’t really get much of the light from the window. It was too dark to do her any good while she brushed her hair or swiped on some lip balm. She’s told herself a lot of lies lately - that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t know why she really doesn’t look in the mirror.
[(more)]
She’s scared of what she sees and doesn’t see reflected back at her.
It sounds like one of those dramatic things that people say to make a point, but that doesn’t make it any less true. If she looks at herself in the mirror now, she finds herself staring while she wonders about the woman that she is seeing. She feels like the her that she remembers being surfaces for those brief moments (and the her that she remembers being isn’t her current self’s biggest fan). She can see everything that is wrong with the way that she is going about things before she looks away and keeps doing things the same way because she does not know how to pull herself all the way back out again. Standing in front of the mirror invites thinking (about how forced her smile looks or about how that sense of wrongness she has about things is showing up in the expression of her eyes).
In those moments, she is quietly horrified when she sees the woman who looks strained and ruffled and a little bit desperate while she remembers that April died because she was pregnant. That fact stares back at her from the mirror’s surface and she has to know it instead of pretending that she doesn’t that April was pregnant because Eric was sleeping with his wife (cheating on what he had claimed to have with her). Of course, Eric was only with her in the first place because Eric is a cheater. She has known that all along - from the moment they started being a they. She just chose to pretend that it was different. She chose to believe the words he offered without any evidence because it must be different. She was special or above it or outside of it or she doesn’t even know because she didn’t bother to do the hard thinking back when it actually would have mattered.
She does not know why she did not end things the moment she discovered April’s pregnancy - the moment that proved that Eric was just as likely to go behind her back as he had been his wife’s. That was the exit ramp. No matter what she had said to Gail Green in that attempt to justify that things already were what they were - that was the way out for her. She did not take it (another choice to be faced with when she looks at that reflection in the mirror) and now she is stuck because she did not take it. Because if she opts out now? If she doesn’t play house and pretend that everything is fine and that she and Eric are living some sort of happily ever after ending, then what was all of that suffering worth?
She’s trapped. She’s done it to herself, but she is trapped nevertheless. The her she remembers being would never have allowed that to happen to her (only somewhere along the way she stopped being that person so it has happened to her - been inflected on herself by herself).
She misses the woman she used to be. That is ultimately why she avoids the mirror. She can’t reconcile what she sees with what she used to think she was. It sounds weird, but it is not as though she is going to trouble herself to say it to anyone else out loud. Who would listen? Does she even have those kinds of friends? She doesn’t think she does - not for this conversation. She’s always been friendly with Emily, but Emily has never been the person you go to with your confidences. Heather is the type that everyone confides in, but she can’t go to Heather with this. How can someone who gives every appearance of never letting anything around her creep in on her sense of self ever understand what it is to feel as if you have not only let that happen, but that you have allowed someone else to completely take over your existence?
It would be so easy to blame this on the end of the world as she knew it, but she knows that she honestly can’t. She’s done too much lying to herself lately. She can still remember being the sort of person who didn’t do that. She does not want to be the sort of person who does that. Maybe this is one piece of who Mary Bailey used to be that she can take back from the ether in which she seems to be drifting. She will be honest with herself. This started long before the end of the world. It started the first time that Eric Green flirted with her and she let herself flirt back and be serious about it. She lost a piece of herself then -- a piece that was loyal to her father and did not allow even an appearance of mucking about with someone’s marriage. It was just flirting she had justified herself and that was when the lying had begun in earnest. Just flirting became just kissing. Just kissing became just . . . well, there were a lot of justs that weren’t actually justs.
If she was still lying to herself, then she would say one of those inane phrases about it just sort of happening. She’s not still lying to herself. She has done enough of that over the last year to last her a lifetime. There was no just about it. She chose and she chose and she chose. It does not matter what sort of justifications she could try to throw around - she knows that they were not good choices. She knew better. She probably knew better than most people (front row seat to the damage caused and all that) and she did it anyway.
She is going to have to live with that for the rest of her life, and she doesn’t need the mirror to remind her of it.
Mary used to be able to look at herself in the mirror
It was something that never even gave her pause - just a routine part of getting ready. The mirror used to be just an item, a tool, a background fixture in her day. She avoids the mirror now. She tried to tell herself (at first) that it was because it was in a corner that didn’t really get much of the light from the window. It was too dark to do her any good while she brushed her hair or swiped on some lip balm. She’s told herself a lot of lies lately - that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t know why she really doesn’t look in the mirror.
[(more)]
She’s scared of what she sees and doesn’t see reflected back at her.
It sounds like one of those dramatic things that people say to make a point, but that doesn’t make it any less true. If she looks at herself in the mirror now, she finds herself staring while she wonders about the woman that she is seeing. She feels like the her that she remembers being surfaces for those brief moments (and the her that she remembers being isn’t her current self’s biggest fan). She can see everything that is wrong with the way that she is going about things before she looks away and keeps doing things the same way because she does not know how to pull herself all the way back out again. Standing in front of the mirror invites thinking (about how forced her smile looks or about how that sense of wrongness she has about things is showing up in the expression of her eyes).
In those moments, she is quietly horrified when she sees the woman who looks strained and ruffled and a little bit desperate while she remembers that April died because she was pregnant. That fact stares back at her from the mirror’s surface and she has to know it instead of pretending that she doesn’t that April was pregnant because Eric was sleeping with his wife (cheating on what he had claimed to have with her). Of course, Eric was only with her in the first place because Eric is a cheater. She has known that all along - from the moment they started being a they. She just chose to pretend that it was different. She chose to believe the words he offered without any evidence because it must be different. She was special or above it or outside of it or she doesn’t even know because she didn’t bother to do the hard thinking back when it actually would have mattered.
She does not know why she did not end things the moment she discovered April’s pregnancy - the moment that proved that Eric was just as likely to go behind her back as he had been his wife’s. That was the exit ramp. No matter what she had said to Gail Green in that attempt to justify that things already were what they were - that was the way out for her. She did not take it (another choice to be faced with when she looks at that reflection in the mirror) and now she is stuck because she did not take it. Because if she opts out now? If she doesn’t play house and pretend that everything is fine and that she and Eric are living some sort of happily ever after ending, then what was all of that suffering worth?
She’s trapped. She’s done it to herself, but she is trapped nevertheless. The her she remembers being would never have allowed that to happen to her (only somewhere along the way she stopped being that person so it has happened to her - been inflected on herself by herself).
She misses the woman she used to be. That is ultimately why she avoids the mirror. She can’t reconcile what she sees with what she used to think she was. It sounds weird, but it is not as though she is going to trouble herself to say it to anyone else out loud. Who would listen? Does she even have those kinds of friends? She doesn’t think she does - not for this conversation. She’s always been friendly with Emily, but Emily has never been the person you go to with your confidences. Heather is the type that everyone confides in, but she can’t go to Heather with this. How can someone who gives every appearance of never letting anything around her creep in on her sense of self ever understand what it is to feel as if you have not only let that happen, but that you have allowed someone else to completely take over your existence?
It would be so easy to blame this on the end of the world as she knew it, but she knows that she honestly can’t. She’s done too much lying to herself lately. She can still remember being the sort of person who didn’t do that. She does not want to be the sort of person who does that. Maybe this is one piece of who Mary Bailey used to be that she can take back from the ether in which she seems to be drifting. She will be honest with herself. This started long before the end of the world. It started the first time that Eric Green flirted with her and she let herself flirt back and be serious about it. She lost a piece of herself then -- a piece that was loyal to her father and did not allow even an appearance of mucking about with someone’s marriage. It was just flirting she had justified herself and that was when the lying had begun in earnest. Just flirting became just kissing. Just kissing became just . . . well, there were a lot of justs that weren’t actually justs.
If she was still lying to herself, then she would say one of those inane phrases about it just sort of happening. She’s not still lying to herself. She has done enough of that over the last year to last her a lifetime. There was no just about it. She chose and she chose and she chose. It does not matter what sort of justifications she could try to throw around - she knows that they were not good choices. She knew better. She probably knew better than most people (front row seat to the damage caused and all that) and she did it anyway.
She is going to have to live with that for the rest of her life, and she doesn’t need the mirror to remind her of it.