wednesday evening-ish: 31 mallard way: mail of DOOOOOOOOM

[sizzler_sisters]

When the mail came last week, Jerry and Jerry had very carefully sorted which ones were bills, which were love letters from alien overlords, which were telekinetic healing powers. There was one letter left, and it had a big impressive official-looking return address that mentioned Fandom High

Comments

[ihatedenmark]

Hamlet had nothing to do on this lovely Wednesday evening, so he decided to wander down to the town to look around for a bit. He was disappointed to note that the charming orangeshoesevenaide store was closed for the day, but he headed in close to peer through the store's front window anyway. He wondered what kind of interesting things they had in stock at the moment.

[sizzler_sisters]

Look! It was him! The Mayor!

Jerry ran outside and gestured emphatically. "Your Grace! You must come in at once! It is a terrible emergency!"

The other Jerry was attempting to eat the envelope. If he ate it, then he would absorb all of its power and possibly rule the world.

[ihatedenmark]

In a different time and place, Hamlet likely would have pointed out that his correct title was Your Highness, as Your Grace was for Dukes, but he didn't particularly care here. It wasn't as though he made much of a deal about his royal blood here at Fandom anyway.

"What is it?" he asked the very sane man who had run up to him. "Can I help in any way?'

[sizzler_sisters]

"Yes! Yes, do! Come in at once!" Jerry started to walk inside, but stopped short in order to point at His Grace the Cardinal Mayor. "But the elephant stays outside! I insist!"

Inside, the other Jerry had decided that if you couldn't eat an envelope for its powers, maybe licking it would help. So Jerry was rediscovering the hell that is a papercut on the tongue. "JEWWY! JEWWY, HELP!"

"Good heavens, it's worse than I thought!" Jerry ran inside to save Jerry from the space monkey aliens who were controlling the letter's death ray.

[ihatedenmark]

Hamlet sighed. "Well, if you insist, I'll leave the elephant out here."

And the sound of screaming, Hamlet followed Jerry #1 into the store to find Jerry #2 in pain. "Goodness, that is terrible!" he said.

[sizzler_sisters]

"You must help us, Your Eminence," said one Jerry, holding out a letter. (THE letter.)

"Yeth, hewp uth!"

"The giant wasps have sent a satellite after us."

"A thatellite! I thaw it in the bathwoom!"

"Yes, yes! It was in the bathrooom trying to eat the donkeys!"

"The donkeyth wan away."

"The donkeys have, unfortunately, drowned."

"And then wan away."

"Yes. After they drowned."

"And now thith!"

"We will not have the bees spying on us!"

"A workthop? In thethe mountainth?! All the penguinth will thtarve!"

"You see our dilemma," said Jerry sadly.

[ihatedenmark]

"That sounds terrible," said Hamlet, wondering when he'd been promoted from a Duke to a Cardinal. He took the dirty and slightly damp letter from the Jerries and read it over.

"It says that the school wishes for you to run a workshop for the students this summer. You must provide seven weeks worth of instruction for the students who sign up, but that you're allowed a teacher's assistant." He looked up at them. "Do you have a topic to teach?"

[sizzler_sisters]

"That is our problem, you see," said the Jerry who was still standing.

"We have no wowkthop," said seated-Jerry.

"No one would trust us with dangerous chemicals."

"Bethideth, thothe can make you cwazy!"

"Yes, so, no laboratory at all."

"No cawpentwy!"

"No metalworking of any means whatsoever."

"No gawdening! None!"

Both Jerries shook their heads sadly.

"You must help us."

"You mutht go to the thpace thalamandews and teww them that we have no lima beanth."

"Yes, you must go immediately."

"Or they wiww eat the west of my tongue!"

"We beseech you, Your Majesty," said one Jerry, sweeping a low bow as he actually got someone's title right for once in his life.

[ihatedenmark]

Oh, they'd gotten to Your Majesty. Hamlet really liked that one.

"I think I can do that for you," replied Hamlet. "But where am I to find these space salamanders?"

[sizzler_sisters]

"Their secret lair is underneath our shop," whispered one Jerry confidentially.

"Yes, it's in our basement," said the other, jumping up and clapping his hands. The papercut-induced lisp had disappeared.

"Yes! But you cannot go down there, because of the donkeys."

"We have no donkeys!"

"We need new donkeys, to replace the old ones."

"Our basement has stalls, for the donkeys."

"Yes, yes, and the space newts hide there."

"They send messages to their secret workshops."

"We must infiltrate, Jerry."

"We have no choice."

"You must help us, Miss Beauregard."

"Yes, yes, you must!"

[ihatedenmark]

Hamlet was a little wary about going down into the basement of two men in dresses with questionable sanity.

"Are certain that we need to go down there?" he asked. "I know that the rumour say that Miss Beauregard can do anything, but I might draw the line at that."

He rubbed his chin. "On the other hand, I'd be willing to aid you with the workshop. For a small fee. Paid out entirely in Euros."

[sizzler_sisters]

"We don't believe the rumors about Miss Beauregard," said one Jerry, shaking his head determinedly.

"We asked her ourselves if she was Superman!"

"She can't fly at all."

"She's never been to the Batcave!"

"Her color scheme is all wrong."

"We must invite her to our laboratory."

"So that we can crack her secret identity!"

"Yes, and make her into our workshop!"

"It is a smashing plan, Jerry!"

"We thank you, Your Grace."

"We have many Euros!"

"Seventeen of them."

Jerry handed the Archbishop some rare Turkish coins that had come into their possession, beaming. It quite possibly looked exactly like 32 cents in change.

[ihatedenmark]

Hamlet took the Turkish pocket change. It was a very good start.

"Thank you kindly for these. Should I see any donkeys around, I shall send them your way."

[sizzler_sisters]

"Yes. We have officially retained you as our procurer, then."

"Yes! To tell the space dragons that we have no donkeys."

"And to fetch us Miss Beauregard's hair."

"A few strands will do!"

"Yes, do let us know how that works out, please."

"Bring us many fine bells!"

"Purple ones, for the tourists!"

"For the hundredth time, Jerry, I am allergic to purple!"

The two Jerries began strangling each other.

[ihatedenmark]

Hamlet decided to take the strangling as his cue to leave.

"I will do my best to pursue those missions as best I can. Until then, I will see you at the workshop session next week."

[sizzler_sisters]

"Thank you, Your Eminence!"

"Say hello to Miss Beauregard!"

"Remember to steal her donkeys!"

"Remember to floss after every meal!"

"Remember the telephone!"

"Yes, yes, telephone immediately!"

"Goodbye!"

The two Jerries waved after the Archduke, and then resumed strangling one another.