(no subject)
Everyone always asked me what I would do if he ever came back. If I ever saw him again. I knew exactly what I wanted to say but never had a clear idea about how I would react physically or if I would even have the balls to say a thing or if I would go overboard and ape shit and slap the hell out of him. I envisioned that day many times and atleast daily I thought of him and what I would say when I saw his face again.
I had promised my heart to him when we were younger... I had always loved him. He was a best friend and we literally grew up together. His name is Andrew Rankin but most people call him Dave or Drew but, like his grandmother who lived 2 doors down from the house I grew up in, I call him Andrew. When we were kids I would stand in my yard and yell "Andrew!!!!" at the top of my lungs when I saw his parents car arrive and we were inseperable as children. We fished together, made forts, swam in the lake behind our houses, had snowball fights, and hung out in the jacuzzi when the ice storm hit and we were trapped for 4 days. Through all of this we formed a beautiful bond. One that would hold us through several life changing events. I got sick when I was 9 and he was always there, he dated one of my friends in high school and wrecked his parents car on the way to prom and I was there, they broke up and I was there. I dated the same boy over and over again and Andrew was always there as my friend to help me laugh off a broken heart or help me laugh off the fact that I was losing my hair. His triangle smile became something I looked forward to seeing and that bright smile has remained in my dreams and in the idea of what I see as a soulmate having.
When we graduated from high school Andrew joined the Marines, he had always looked up to my father and my father was somewhat of his mentor. I hated when he joined but respected the soldier inside of him and if anything it made me love him more. He served his first tour in Iraq and he would call me at weird hours on my cell phone 1 or 2 in the morning and those calls became more regular. He would tell me little things about what was happening but never that he had been blown up or shot at. He was protecting me and I knew it. I wished I could have protected him. We wrote letters and sent pictures. I would send him pictures of the lake where we grew up, normal Tennessee weather, I captured my life on film and sent them to him to keep him in the loop. Through these letters I grew to know him as the new soldier he was becoming. On his first leave I was relieved and happy to have him home. We sat around and spoke up how his life was and he told me more about how things were actually going. I was scared for him and prayed for him daily and was happy he always kept a line of communication open.
After his second tour in Iraq he brought home a girl and expressed his plans to marry her. She was a nice girl, I liked him. I was burned wuith envy and slightly crushed because in a sense I always thought we would marry someday. They got married quickly and although I was silently crushed I always smiled and supported his ideas. His happiness was what mattered to me and I was dating someone who I really loved, also.
After his third tour of Iraq the Andrew that came back was not the same Andrew. He was scared mentally and physically. He was... crazy. The Andrew I had grown up with was reckless always but now he was a monster. Not only that, his wife was sleeping with his best friend and they were divorcing. She was getting everything and he was giving it her... he said he didn't want anything at all from his house- tools, his car, motorcycle, he wanted nothing and he took nothing. She still lives in the same house(with his best friend). Through his divorce I was there and never once said, "I told you so."
Time passed and he was worked over here for the Marines and wasn't sure if he would be deployed again but had plans to re-up and extend his time in the Marines and it really became his career, long term commitement. He loved to be a soldied. Over time... we fell in love. I didn't give a shit if he was going through a divorce or crazy from the war. I didn't give a shit. I knew I would never give up on him and I knew I would never leave him once I had him. I felt like regardless of our crazy different lives together we could do anything. My father would fly me to North Carolina and we would have glorious day riding on his motercycle, singing country songs at the top of our lungs. He would see a young couple in restaurants and buy their dinner without them knowing and it reminded me of something my father would do and I loved him even more. I knew in my heart he was the one for me and I would never love anyone like I loved him. I knew I would never turn my back on him and we were starting a life together. Who cared if he had married a tramp, who cared if he had made mistakes or even that he still made mistakes. He was precious in my eyes and always had been and I finally felt like someone who knew me completely loved me completely. He would drive 10 hours to pick me up in Murfreesboro from a friends house, he would drive 10 hoursa and surprise me at work, he would lift me off the ground and breath in my scent and his arms around me was the most amazing thing I had ever felt. Not only had I fallen in love but I had fallen in love with my best friend and now my lover was my best friend and I knew in my heart I would never lose him and we would grow old together. We already knew where we wanted to marry, where we wanted to live, how we would handle things his next deployment. I was dead set on moving to NC and I couldn't get there fast enough. In November I knew I wanted to be there by Christmas and I was tying lose ends up. I was transferring to the O'Charleys close to Camp Lejeune and he was having to move out of the barracks so we were able to live together. We went "apartment shopping" and found this beautiful apartment complex with several other young Marine couples and I slowly saw my life(our life) materialize. It was all coming together and I couldn't have been happier.
Now, it was not all daisies and butterflies. He, like most young Marines, had a drinking problem. He was in and out of the hospital for several different reasons, mostly mental problems. Sometimes I wouldn't even know for days where he was because I was still in Tennessee and he was locked up or basically taken hostage by the Marine Corps. due to mental unstableness. Like I said, though... I didn't care. I knew I had the mental strength to support him. I would fly on a whim if I got word he was sick or if he was beginning to have 'episode'. His flashbacks were worse than ever and he was jumpy even with me. Any loud noises or sudden movements I made around him he would jump and I would see a fire in eyes but I was never scared of him. I felt like I had mentally been preparing to take on his burden and support him in every way possible. I knew I had it in me to see him through everything and be his saving grace. And, I know for a short time.. I was. He would cry on my with his head in my lap in the middle of the night. This big strong man cried and I would rub his buzz cut head and listen to his sobs all hours of the night. We would go out to bars and he would over drink and walk into the city and I would have to search for him and call his name out the windows until finally I found him.
When November came my mind was in full force. We had our future and I was so happy to finally be there with him. On Thanksgiving he of course came home. I was still living with Anna and having him around was wonderful. We made love, I cooked dinner, and then he told me he had gotten a text from his father and his mother was at Vanderbilt and he had to leave to go be with her. He said he would be back that night, he loved me, kissed me goodbye.
As most of yall know, I never heard from him again.I never received a single text, phone call, or anything. He was gone. Whenever the phone rang I answered ever call. It was attached to me and I was worried sick. After 2 weeks I doubted I would never hear from him. After Christmas I KNEW I would never hear from him. He was gone. He had evaporated into thin air. I truly became a lover scorned. I was devastated. Not only was the man I loved gone but my best friend was gone too and I had no answers. I began to drink even more, I began to sleep around. I was a mess. I started using drugs, I came to Christmas Eve at my grannys fucked up on cocain. It was like the war had changed him into a monster and he had changed me into a monster. I didn't even know myself. And then of course... I fell. On New Years I was drunk as a skunk and I fell and fucked my face up. I was in bad condition for 3 months and now, not only was heart broken but now my face was fucked up. I had no Andrew to help me laugh it off. I cried to my mother and wanted to know what had I done to deserve this and she had no answers for me. I had no answers. No one had any answers.
I could have ruined his life. I had deployment papers of his, dog tags, personal documents. I could have screwed his credit up. I could have gone to NC and blown his fucking motorcycle that he loved so much to bits. I could have tracked him down on base and humiliated him in front of every single one of his solders. But, I didn't. I couldn't. I was shocked. I was heartbroken and too nice to do anything. Plus, I have to admit I still loved him regardless of what he had done. Secretly I hoped he would come back to me. Everytime I heard a motorcycle I thought of his return. Every Holiday I looked for his Jetta at his grandparents house. I knew he was there, of course... but, I never had to balls to confront him. I didn't want to know what had happened. Over the next couple of months I began seeing someone and he was a swell guy. I liked him alright and he was safe. I knew I wouldn't marry him(and honestly over the next 2 years.. I realized I probably wouldn't marry anyone). I never let my gaurd down and to this haven't. I would never allow someone to hurt me as badly as he did... ever again. He ruined love for me. I thought about what I would say for two years. I thought about how when I saw him again I would grab him and shake him and say "Look at my face! Where were you when this happened to me?! How dare you!" I had a huge speech... a list of what I would say. I thought several times of writing it down and sending it to him. I needed closeur and I remained a basketcase of anger and hate. Not to mention, he had always softened me. I was no longer a hardcore girl that could withstand anything. I had lost it when he left me and I thought I would never get it back.
Yesterday, I got my chance.
Yesterday, I finally got my chance.
It was a normal day. I was home from camp for the weekend, 4th of July with an extra day so I felt freedom. I was extremely hung over, freshly showered and on my way to Mexican and a movie with my best friend Anna. We were driving in my neighborhood towards the heart of Mt. Juliet and I spotted that tan man I had adored so fondly and promised my heart to roughly 2 and a half years ago. I told Anna, "Holy shit, that was Andrew Rankin." I desitated... "Turn around." As we approached the house(his Uncle lives maybe 7 houses down from my brothers where I live) I was shaking. I said, "Let me out! Let ne out!" I stook up out of the car and said, "You have something to say to me?! Cause I have something to say to you. I have been thinking about this for two years." I told him everything I needed to. I told him of my broken heart, watching every war movie I could I thought of him. I told him I worried over his death and how I would react at his funeral with no closeur. He took it all. I told him what a pussy I thought he was. How he could fight a war 3 times but not tel a girl he didn't love her anymore. I was livid. I cried and cried and shook. I was finally releasing the burden I had held in for all that time. I was finally getting my time to speak up for myself. He admitted to being a piece of shit. He told me he thought we could change the world together and I slowly realized all the anger I felt towards him was slowly going away and he was softening me again. I realized this and simply told him to never contact me again. Never come to my parents. He said he would write me a letter and I refused it. I refused to believe anything he said. He simply said he would try to prove me wrong for once. We talked(or I yelled) for roughly 20 minutes. Anna sat quietly in the car and she was patient, thank God. After I said my piece and had heard enough I simply told him I was getting in the car and going on with my life and he said, "I'll see you around."
Now, I sit here at my brothers getting ready for camp tomorrow. Some of the things I have written here today no one else has ever heard. My wounds are deeper than even I realized. I am still in love with him and I will be to the day I die and I wish I had I said that yesterday. I wish he had fallen to his knees and if he had asked me... I would have taken him back. I would have given him hell but regardless of the things he has done and how badly he hurt me the pain without him is worse. I walk these streets with Ophie my dog and now I wish he would hear me singing a Lucero song and step out of the shadows and then I could ask him if he wanted to come over and drink a beer. I wish I could speak happily to him. I wish I could hold him. I wish he would lift me off the ground and smell my scent. I wish he would ask me again to marry him. How does such a doucher deserve my heart? I have no idea but I don't think I am ever going to get it back.I made a commitement to him years ago that I would never let him down and I guess I binded myself to him. The commitement that I made to him between my own two ears and with my heart has never faded and I know it never will. I suppose that is what sucks about losing that one person you know you would do anything for. I have spent all day inside at my brothers house. I have braided my hair and worn my favorite white skirt and smoked cigarettes on the front porch wishing he would see me and stop and say everything I wish he would say. I wish he would show that triangle smile to me and tell me he knows he fucked up but that he wanted to make things right... tell me that he has always loved me.
Like I said before alot of these things not many people(or anyone) know. I have told my sister in law alot about how I have felt over the last two years and she is about the only one that knows how badly he hurt me. My boyfriend now has no idea I saw him and I doubt I will ever tell Jeremy because Jeremy doesn't deserve that stress and our relationship doesn't deserve that stress. Seeing Andrew has made me feel better but in a way also make me want to break up with Jeremy and see the world. Have my own life and start fresh. I can not escape him and I knowI never will. He will always be a ghost to me and I will always be scared that someday he will show up and I will have given myself to another and no be able to be with him. Thats how bullshit like The damn Notebook fucks you up.None of that will probably ever happen yet here I sit and I want so badly to run to him and make him mine again. I was lover scorned before and even though I do feel better.. I am still a lover scorned and softened and my heart will forever be his.
I had promised my heart to him when we were younger... I had always loved him. He was a best friend and we literally grew up together. His name is Andrew Rankin but most people call him Dave or Drew but, like his grandmother who lived 2 doors down from the house I grew up in, I call him Andrew. When we were kids I would stand in my yard and yell "Andrew!!!!" at the top of my lungs when I saw his parents car arrive and we were inseperable as children. We fished together, made forts, swam in the lake behind our houses, had snowball fights, and hung out in the jacuzzi when the ice storm hit and we were trapped for 4 days. Through all of this we formed a beautiful bond. One that would hold us through several life changing events. I got sick when I was 9 and he was always there, he dated one of my friends in high school and wrecked his parents car on the way to prom and I was there, they broke up and I was there. I dated the same boy over and over again and Andrew was always there as my friend to help me laugh off a broken heart or help me laugh off the fact that I was losing my hair. His triangle smile became something I looked forward to seeing and that bright smile has remained in my dreams and in the idea of what I see as a soulmate having.
When we graduated from high school Andrew joined the Marines, he had always looked up to my father and my father was somewhat of his mentor. I hated when he joined but respected the soldier inside of him and if anything it made me love him more. He served his first tour in Iraq and he would call me at weird hours on my cell phone 1 or 2 in the morning and those calls became more regular. He would tell me little things about what was happening but never that he had been blown up or shot at. He was protecting me and I knew it. I wished I could have protected him. We wrote letters and sent pictures. I would send him pictures of the lake where we grew up, normal Tennessee weather, I captured my life on film and sent them to him to keep him in the loop. Through these letters I grew to know him as the new soldier he was becoming. On his first leave I was relieved and happy to have him home. We sat around and spoke up how his life was and he told me more about how things were actually going. I was scared for him and prayed for him daily and was happy he always kept a line of communication open.
After his second tour in Iraq he brought home a girl and expressed his plans to marry her. She was a nice girl, I liked him. I was burned wuith envy and slightly crushed because in a sense I always thought we would marry someday. They got married quickly and although I was silently crushed I always smiled and supported his ideas. His happiness was what mattered to me and I was dating someone who I really loved, also.
After his third tour of Iraq the Andrew that came back was not the same Andrew. He was scared mentally and physically. He was... crazy. The Andrew I had grown up with was reckless always but now he was a monster. Not only that, his wife was sleeping with his best friend and they were divorcing. She was getting everything and he was giving it her... he said he didn't want anything at all from his house- tools, his car, motorcycle, he wanted nothing and he took nothing. She still lives in the same house(with his best friend). Through his divorce I was there and never once said, "I told you so."
Time passed and he was worked over here for the Marines and wasn't sure if he would be deployed again but had plans to re-up and extend his time in the Marines and it really became his career, long term commitement. He loved to be a soldied. Over time... we fell in love. I didn't give a shit if he was going through a divorce or crazy from the war. I didn't give a shit. I knew I would never give up on him and I knew I would never leave him once I had him. I felt like regardless of our crazy different lives together we could do anything. My father would fly me to North Carolina and we would have glorious day riding on his motercycle, singing country songs at the top of our lungs. He would see a young couple in restaurants and buy their dinner without them knowing and it reminded me of something my father would do and I loved him even more. I knew in my heart he was the one for me and I would never love anyone like I loved him. I knew I would never turn my back on him and we were starting a life together. Who cared if he had married a tramp, who cared if he had made mistakes or even that he still made mistakes. He was precious in my eyes and always had been and I finally felt like someone who knew me completely loved me completely. He would drive 10 hours to pick me up in Murfreesboro from a friends house, he would drive 10 hoursa and surprise me at work, he would lift me off the ground and breath in my scent and his arms around me was the most amazing thing I had ever felt. Not only had I fallen in love but I had fallen in love with my best friend and now my lover was my best friend and I knew in my heart I would never lose him and we would grow old together. We already knew where we wanted to marry, where we wanted to live, how we would handle things his next deployment. I was dead set on moving to NC and I couldn't get there fast enough. In November I knew I wanted to be there by Christmas and I was tying lose ends up. I was transferring to the O'Charleys close to Camp Lejeune and he was having to move out of the barracks so we were able to live together. We went "apartment shopping" and found this beautiful apartment complex with several other young Marine couples and I slowly saw my life(our life) materialize. It was all coming together and I couldn't have been happier.
Now, it was not all daisies and butterflies. He, like most young Marines, had a drinking problem. He was in and out of the hospital for several different reasons, mostly mental problems. Sometimes I wouldn't even know for days where he was because I was still in Tennessee and he was locked up or basically taken hostage by the Marine Corps. due to mental unstableness. Like I said, though... I didn't care. I knew I had the mental strength to support him. I would fly on a whim if I got word he was sick or if he was beginning to have 'episode'. His flashbacks were worse than ever and he was jumpy even with me. Any loud noises or sudden movements I made around him he would jump and I would see a fire in eyes but I was never scared of him. I felt like I had mentally been preparing to take on his burden and support him in every way possible. I knew I had it in me to see him through everything and be his saving grace. And, I know for a short time.. I was. He would cry on my with his head in my lap in the middle of the night. This big strong man cried and I would rub his buzz cut head and listen to his sobs all hours of the night. We would go out to bars and he would over drink and walk into the city and I would have to search for him and call his name out the windows until finally I found him.
When November came my mind was in full force. We had our future and I was so happy to finally be there with him. On Thanksgiving he of course came home. I was still living with Anna and having him around was wonderful. We made love, I cooked dinner, and then he told me he had gotten a text from his father and his mother was at Vanderbilt and he had to leave to go be with her. He said he would be back that night, he loved me, kissed me goodbye.
As most of yall know, I never heard from him again.I never received a single text, phone call, or anything. He was gone. Whenever the phone rang I answered ever call. It was attached to me and I was worried sick. After 2 weeks I doubted I would never hear from him. After Christmas I KNEW I would never hear from him. He was gone. He had evaporated into thin air. I truly became a lover scorned. I was devastated. Not only was the man I loved gone but my best friend was gone too and I had no answers. I began to drink even more, I began to sleep around. I was a mess. I started using drugs, I came to Christmas Eve at my grannys fucked up on cocain. It was like the war had changed him into a monster and he had changed me into a monster. I didn't even know myself. And then of course... I fell. On New Years I was drunk as a skunk and I fell and fucked my face up. I was in bad condition for 3 months and now, not only was heart broken but now my face was fucked up. I had no Andrew to help me laugh it off. I cried to my mother and wanted to know what had I done to deserve this and she had no answers for me. I had no answers. No one had any answers.
I could have ruined his life. I had deployment papers of his, dog tags, personal documents. I could have screwed his credit up. I could have gone to NC and blown his fucking motorcycle that he loved so much to bits. I could have tracked him down on base and humiliated him in front of every single one of his solders. But, I didn't. I couldn't. I was shocked. I was heartbroken and too nice to do anything. Plus, I have to admit I still loved him regardless of what he had done. Secretly I hoped he would come back to me. Everytime I heard a motorcycle I thought of his return. Every Holiday I looked for his Jetta at his grandparents house. I knew he was there, of course... but, I never had to balls to confront him. I didn't want to know what had happened. Over the next couple of months I began seeing someone and he was a swell guy. I liked him alright and he was safe. I knew I wouldn't marry him(and honestly over the next 2 years.. I realized I probably wouldn't marry anyone). I never let my gaurd down and to this haven't. I would never allow someone to hurt me as badly as he did... ever again. He ruined love for me. I thought about what I would say for two years. I thought about how when I saw him again I would grab him and shake him and say "Look at my face! Where were you when this happened to me?! How dare you!" I had a huge speech... a list of what I would say. I thought several times of writing it down and sending it to him. I needed closeur and I remained a basketcase of anger and hate. Not to mention, he had always softened me. I was no longer a hardcore girl that could withstand anything. I had lost it when he left me and I thought I would never get it back.
Yesterday, I got my chance.
Yesterday, I finally got my chance.
It was a normal day. I was home from camp for the weekend, 4th of July with an extra day so I felt freedom. I was extremely hung over, freshly showered and on my way to Mexican and a movie with my best friend Anna. We were driving in my neighborhood towards the heart of Mt. Juliet and I spotted that tan man I had adored so fondly and promised my heart to roughly 2 and a half years ago. I told Anna, "Holy shit, that was Andrew Rankin." I desitated... "Turn around." As we approached the house(his Uncle lives maybe 7 houses down from my brothers where I live) I was shaking. I said, "Let me out! Let ne out!" I stook up out of the car and said, "You have something to say to me?! Cause I have something to say to you. I have been thinking about this for two years." I told him everything I needed to. I told him of my broken heart, watching every war movie I could I thought of him. I told him I worried over his death and how I would react at his funeral with no closeur. He took it all. I told him what a pussy I thought he was. How he could fight a war 3 times but not tel a girl he didn't love her anymore. I was livid. I cried and cried and shook. I was finally releasing the burden I had held in for all that time. I was finally getting my time to speak up for myself. He admitted to being a piece of shit. He told me he thought we could change the world together and I slowly realized all the anger I felt towards him was slowly going away and he was softening me again. I realized this and simply told him to never contact me again. Never come to my parents. He said he would write me a letter and I refused it. I refused to believe anything he said. He simply said he would try to prove me wrong for once. We talked(or I yelled) for roughly 20 minutes. Anna sat quietly in the car and she was patient, thank God. After I said my piece and had heard enough I simply told him I was getting in the car and going on with my life and he said, "I'll see you around."
Now, I sit here at my brothers getting ready for camp tomorrow. Some of the things I have written here today no one else has ever heard. My wounds are deeper than even I realized. I am still in love with him and I will be to the day I die and I wish I had I said that yesterday. I wish he had fallen to his knees and if he had asked me... I would have taken him back. I would have given him hell but regardless of the things he has done and how badly he hurt me the pain without him is worse. I walk these streets with Ophie my dog and now I wish he would hear me singing a Lucero song and step out of the shadows and then I could ask him if he wanted to come over and drink a beer. I wish I could speak happily to him. I wish I could hold him. I wish he would lift me off the ground and smell my scent. I wish he would ask me again to marry him. How does such a doucher deserve my heart? I have no idea but I don't think I am ever going to get it back.I made a commitement to him years ago that I would never let him down and I guess I binded myself to him. The commitement that I made to him between my own two ears and with my heart has never faded and I know it never will. I suppose that is what sucks about losing that one person you know you would do anything for. I have spent all day inside at my brothers house. I have braided my hair and worn my favorite white skirt and smoked cigarettes on the front porch wishing he would see me and stop and say everything I wish he would say. I wish he would show that triangle smile to me and tell me he knows he fucked up but that he wanted to make things right... tell me that he has always loved me.
Like I said before alot of these things not many people(or anyone) know. I have told my sister in law alot about how I have felt over the last two years and she is about the only one that knows how badly he hurt me. My boyfriend now has no idea I saw him and I doubt I will ever tell Jeremy because Jeremy doesn't deserve that stress and our relationship doesn't deserve that stress. Seeing Andrew has made me feel better but in a way also make me want to break up with Jeremy and see the world. Have my own life and start fresh. I can not escape him and I knowI never will. He will always be a ghost to me and I will always be scared that someday he will show up and I will have given myself to another and no be able to be with him. Thats how bullshit like The damn Notebook fucks you up.None of that will probably ever happen yet here I sit and I want so badly to run to him and make him mine again. I was lover scorned before and even though I do feel better.. I am still a lover scorned and softened and my heart will forever be his.