Love Until We Bleed
My life goes by in increments of time determined by when I have to refill my pill boxes.
It seems so fast.
My mother is selling my childhood home and moving to her new house out in the woods. I've lived here for the majority of the last fourteen years and it will be strange coming back to this town, driving by this house and it's no longer mine. The other day she took all of our family photographs and magnets that the refrigerator has accumulated over the years and put them away. She said was going to be doing things like this so that anyone who comes by to see the house to perhaps purchase it can see their lives and belongings in the house instead of ours. She doesn't want our home too look lived in. For it to be just a house that strangers may someday live in.
2009
It went by quickly and I realized how fast by reminiscing about my last New Year's Eve in a bar in a bar in Brooklyn with someone I was so close to and can no longer say is a friend. The highlights of the year were getting my name legally changed, getting my mother to call me Ellis despite never using the correct pronouns, becoming really close with Lichen, and realizing after all the shit that I'm not a total fuck up and I can say I survived. There are few people I have met who can understand what it is like to be so out of control of their lives. I found a new love this year and we've never even met. My hopes of moving to Sweden feel farfetched yet possible at the same time. It's true what people say about goals, if you never set them you can't achieve them. If I wasn't dreaming of leaving every day I don't know what my purpose would be here anymore.
2010
I start school on the 19th given the classes I have lined up aren't full by the time I can register. I'll be in Portland two days a week. I won't have a job. I don't want to fail myself this time. This time around I can see the reasons why I'm doing something I've always felt was such bullshit. It's a means to an end.
I haven't a New Year's resolution and I think that's a good thing. My plans for 2010 don't need resolving my habits of the past year. I've made up my mind about what I'm going to do and I really want to stick to the plan.
It seems so fast.
My mother is selling my childhood home and moving to her new house out in the woods. I've lived here for the majority of the last fourteen years and it will be strange coming back to this town, driving by this house and it's no longer mine. The other day she took all of our family photographs and magnets that the refrigerator has accumulated over the years and put them away. She said was going to be doing things like this so that anyone who comes by to see the house to perhaps purchase it can see their lives and belongings in the house instead of ours. She doesn't want our home too look lived in. For it to be just a house that strangers may someday live in.
2009
It went by quickly and I realized how fast by reminiscing about my last New Year's Eve in a bar in a bar in Brooklyn with someone I was so close to and can no longer say is a friend. The highlights of the year were getting my name legally changed, getting my mother to call me Ellis despite never using the correct pronouns, becoming really close with Lichen, and realizing after all the shit that I'm not a total fuck up and I can say I survived. There are few people I have met who can understand what it is like to be so out of control of their lives. I found a new love this year and we've never even met. My hopes of moving to Sweden feel farfetched yet possible at the same time. It's true what people say about goals, if you never set them you can't achieve them. If I wasn't dreaming of leaving every day I don't know what my purpose would be here anymore.
2010
I start school on the 19th given the classes I have lined up aren't full by the time I can register. I'll be in Portland two days a week. I won't have a job. I don't want to fail myself this time. This time around I can see the reasons why I'm doing something I've always felt was such bullshit. It's a means to an end.
I haven't a New Year's resolution and I think that's a good thing. My plans for 2010 don't need resolving my habits of the past year. I've made up my mind about what I'm going to do and I really want to stick to the plan.