Another Installment of "Things I Hate"
This installment will focus on commercials. I really, truly hate most commercials. I don't know who the fuck writes them - I mean, I know the entertainment business is sorely out of touch with any kind of reality whatsoever, but commercial writers really take the cake (I can't help but think of Jimmy from South Park when I type that line). Anyhoodles, I give to you some of the more recent commercials that I hate and how I think they should have ended...
Zyrtec Bike-Riding Bitch: This is the commercial where the broad starts talking to her bicycle as if it's her lover (I can understand that feeling if it was a motorized bicycle...maybe she likes to ride bumpy trails or something). Anyways, she's talking about how much she missed her bicycle because of her stupid allergies (I think she says allergies funny - actually, I'm fairly certain that they gave her a new voice because the original voice was that of a 60 year old, not someone who's in her 20s, which is what we are led to believe). So anyways, Bike-Bitch takes her Zyrtec and now she gets to ride off down the bike path of dreams, to which she owes to Zyrtec. That's pretty much the end of the commercial. I think they needed to take it one step further. She's riding on the bike path, telling her bicycle about some new panties she bought...she's not paying any attention to the oncoming jogger. They collide. She gets up and thanks her lucky stars that she had on her trusty bike helmet. Phew, that was close. But, a wayward 16 wheeler come barreling down the bike path (hey, it could happen) and SPLAT! She's crushed...ain't no bicycle helmet gonna help you now. I hope they have Zyrtec in Hell.
Crazy Febreze Freak Family: So, I'm sure you've seen this commercial. Mother who should be minding her own business walks into her son with the quasi-Emo hair cut and proceeds to tell him his curtains stink (what the fuck is he doing in there exactly). Obviously, there is no father in the Frebreze Freak family, because quite frankly, what kind of God-fearing American man would let his son have such a faggy hairdo anyways? None I know. So, Mother decides that they must wash the room (notice how she says wash funny - I think we are noticing a theme). So, they go on some orgasmic Frebreze spraying trip (Freud would have so much fun with this family) to wash the room of all the horrible curtain odors. Then, quasi-Emo boy's "friends" (who are all female) come over and comment how nice it smells. I'm fairly certain they are not his friends, but girls from the crazy born-again Christian church who assume that this boy is gay because of his Emo hair and are sent to save his soul and turn him into a good old tittie-loving hetrosexual who will be slipping the girls Roofies in no time. Then the commercial ends. I'd take it this one step further. The fumes from the Mother-Son Febreze orgy give them cancer. I don't know what kind, so we'll call it Febreze Cancer. They must go to hospital to be cured. All is well, no more Febreze cancer! Yay for them, right? Not so fast my little turtledoves...you see, because the house has been closed up for quite some time (remember, there's no daddy in the picture and obviously they have no friends - the girls decided that he's not gay, but ready to become some sort of serial killer so they high-tailed it out of there), the fumes from the Frebreze have been building up for quite some time. Frebreze Family comes home, walks in their house and with all the hope in the world, checks their answering machine. Mother presses the button and KABOOM! the electrical spark from pressing the button causes the Febreze fumes to combust and they house explodes. Poor Febreze Family - they'll need something a lot stronger than Frebreze to get rid of the smell of sulphur and rotting corpses. Enjoy your time in Hell, losers.
That's all for now kiddies.
Zyrtec Bike-Riding Bitch: This is the commercial where the broad starts talking to her bicycle as if it's her lover (I can understand that feeling if it was a motorized bicycle...maybe she likes to ride bumpy trails or something). Anyways, she's talking about how much she missed her bicycle because of her stupid allergies (I think she says allergies funny - actually, I'm fairly certain that they gave her a new voice because the original voice was that of a 60 year old, not someone who's in her 20s, which is what we are led to believe). So anyways, Bike-Bitch takes her Zyrtec and now she gets to ride off down the bike path of dreams, to which she owes to Zyrtec. That's pretty much the end of the commercial. I think they needed to take it one step further. She's riding on the bike path, telling her bicycle about some new panties she bought...she's not paying any attention to the oncoming jogger. They collide. She gets up and thanks her lucky stars that she had on her trusty bike helmet. Phew, that was close. But, a wayward 16 wheeler come barreling down the bike path (hey, it could happen) and SPLAT! She's crushed...ain't no bicycle helmet gonna help you now. I hope they have Zyrtec in Hell.
Crazy Febreze Freak Family: So, I'm sure you've seen this commercial. Mother who should be minding her own business walks into her son with the quasi-Emo hair cut and proceeds to tell him his curtains stink (what the fuck is he doing in there exactly). Obviously, there is no father in the Frebreze Freak family, because quite frankly, what kind of God-fearing American man would let his son have such a faggy hairdo anyways? None I know. So, Mother decides that they must wash the room (notice how she says wash funny - I think we are noticing a theme). So, they go on some orgasmic Frebreze spraying trip (Freud would have so much fun with this family) to wash the room of all the horrible curtain odors. Then, quasi-Emo boy's "friends" (who are all female) come over and comment how nice it smells. I'm fairly certain they are not his friends, but girls from the crazy born-again Christian church who assume that this boy is gay because of his Emo hair and are sent to save his soul and turn him into a good old tittie-loving hetrosexual who will be slipping the girls Roofies in no time. Then the commercial ends. I'd take it this one step further. The fumes from the Mother-Son Febreze orgy give them cancer. I don't know what kind, so we'll call it Febreze Cancer. They must go to hospital to be cured. All is well, no more Febreze cancer! Yay for them, right? Not so fast my little turtledoves...you see, because the house has been closed up for quite some time (remember, there's no daddy in the picture and obviously they have no friends - the girls decided that he's not gay, but ready to become some sort of serial killer so they high-tailed it out of there), the fumes from the Frebreze have been building up for quite some time. Frebreze Family comes home, walks in their house and with all the hope in the world, checks their answering machine. Mother presses the button and KABOOM! the electrical spark from pressing the button causes the Febreze fumes to combust and they house explodes. Poor Febreze Family - they'll need something a lot stronger than Frebreze to get rid of the smell of sulphur and rotting corpses. Enjoy your time in Hell, losers.
That's all for now kiddies.