I can't sleep.
It started with the spiders. One that was exactly the same as the one i found in my room the other night was waiting in the doorway for me when i walked up the stairs to sleep. Jason got rid of it and told me it was just nice in a weird way, i guess he meant it gave us some sort of connection and i guess it did. Then i turned off my light and rested my head on the pillow and another one crawled over my head, little bastard i guess I'd disturbed him. Anyway then my brother found one in his room and all hell broke loose 'Mum theres a nest', 'Shut up Douglas your only making things worse', 'How could anything be worse?'..'Your sisters frightened of them', 'So am I', 'No your not...your a man'.
So then i watched 'Hideous Kinky' a film about Kate Winslett searching for enlightenment in Morocco with her two kids... and i lay there for a bit thinking about traveling...Thailand or China...hmmmm. Morocco would be nice but its not on the gap year site...I should google it. I was told to ring Natalie because shes on her own for three days and she might not be ok...i wondered whether an 18 year old could ever 'not be ok' on her own in a huge house for three days but i rang her anyway...because shes one of my eldest friends. Turns out shes unbelievably up for traveling too but has to take art foundation for a year or it isn't free. So we're going together. Sounds smart.
So then....after the film....that was when i couldn't sleep. It isn't actually that late but its been two hours now and I've never not been able to sleep. I can always sleep, especially when my life is uneventful enough..thats when sleeping is the most tempting...sleeping is easy enough and waking is easy enough....thats how it is with the occasional acception of smoking too much weed after a long break, regardless of how many episodes of Starwars you manage to stay awake to. BTW it turns out I'd already seen the first three. So the result of those many many hours on Ali's arm chair was a lot of feeding, some stoned banter with some old mates and half an hour of new material from the origional Starwars...the new hope or something?
So this is me, not being able to sleep, ranting on about nothing in particular and i know it will be a waste because nobody will read it. What should i write about apart from utter bollocks? Is a lot more interesting, I'm sure you'll agree, to writing most sincerely about my life, how I'm FEELING. I'm moving out in September with Emma, perhaps to Ollie and Kai's old rooms....My loan will send me to Asia in the summer. Its quite simple. I miss being in a relationship. I miss having someone there, I miss waiting up for someone or being surprised and taken care of. I could go out and pull if i wanted, but its not the same...I want what i can't have. And whats really boring is..its not even getting me down that much..I know that every now and then it does, but really, I'm quite content being myself and knowing everything is constantly changing. Even the fact that, once again I was right, once again i knew him better than he knew himself and what I said would happen happened...once again..and this time it being us loosing that immediate closeness we had for so long...and him ignoring it because...once again his ego got in the way...that barely bothers me....because i know one day he'll come to his senses and try to get his best mate back. But I'll never say 'I told you so'..not once have i said I told you so. On my death bed I'll say I told you so and it might start to mean something. How amusing...I will never forget what it says on Spike Milligan's grave... 'I TOLD YOU I WAS ILL'....What a man, what a man. I just tried to write on...but i couldn't because..what i was writing about was just too soon....anything i write about what i almost did write about won't have the desired affect...and now i've gone and made the end of this even more gloomy than i intended. I was so pleased to be writing something so happy and lacking in depth. I guess whats the point in pursuing lightness all the time when you can live, however unpleasant it is at times. LALALALALALALA.
Love love love love baby love. Spread the love. You love it. . . . . . . China i think...or Thailand....we'll flip a coin.
So then i watched 'Hideous Kinky' a film about Kate Winslett searching for enlightenment in Morocco with her two kids... and i lay there for a bit thinking about traveling...Thailand or China...hmmmm. Morocco would be nice but its not on the gap year site...I should google it. I was told to ring Natalie because shes on her own for three days and she might not be ok...i wondered whether an 18 year old could ever 'not be ok' on her own in a huge house for three days but i rang her anyway...because shes one of my eldest friends. Turns out shes unbelievably up for traveling too but has to take art foundation for a year or it isn't free. So we're going together. Sounds smart.
So then....after the film....that was when i couldn't sleep. It isn't actually that late but its been two hours now and I've never not been able to sleep. I can always sleep, especially when my life is uneventful enough..thats when sleeping is the most tempting...sleeping is easy enough and waking is easy enough....thats how it is with the occasional acception of smoking too much weed after a long break, regardless of how many episodes of Starwars you manage to stay awake to. BTW it turns out I'd already seen the first three. So the result of those many many hours on Ali's arm chair was a lot of feeding, some stoned banter with some old mates and half an hour of new material from the origional Starwars...the new hope or something?
So this is me, not being able to sleep, ranting on about nothing in particular and i know it will be a waste because nobody will read it. What should i write about apart from utter bollocks? Is a lot more interesting, I'm sure you'll agree, to writing most sincerely about my life, how I'm FEELING. I'm moving out in September with Emma, perhaps to Ollie and Kai's old rooms....My loan will send me to Asia in the summer. Its quite simple. I miss being in a relationship. I miss having someone there, I miss waiting up for someone or being surprised and taken care of. I could go out and pull if i wanted, but its not the same...I want what i can't have. And whats really boring is..its not even getting me down that much..I know that every now and then it does, but really, I'm quite content being myself and knowing everything is constantly changing. Even the fact that, once again I was right, once again i knew him better than he knew himself and what I said would happen happened...once again..and this time it being us loosing that immediate closeness we had for so long...and him ignoring it because...once again his ego got in the way...that barely bothers me....because i know one day he'll come to his senses and try to get his best mate back. But I'll never say 'I told you so'..not once have i said I told you so. On my death bed I'll say I told you so and it might start to mean something. How amusing...I will never forget what it says on Spike Milligan's grave... 'I TOLD YOU I WAS ILL'....What a man, what a man. I just tried to write on...but i couldn't because..what i was writing about was just too soon....anything i write about what i almost did write about won't have the desired affect...and now i've gone and made the end of this even more gloomy than i intended. I was so pleased to be writing something so happy and lacking in depth. I guess whats the point in pursuing lightness all the time when you can live, however unpleasant it is at times. LALALALALALALA.
Love love love love baby love. Spread the love. You love it. . . . . . . China i think...or Thailand....we'll flip a coin.