Feeling Quite Empowered
EDITED: I just went out to Adam Glass' house to hang out with Adam, Eric, Jon, Hayden, and a few other people I didn't know so well and listen to Mercury Rose, it was so fun!
Last night was a blast, something I feel like normally I couldn't do - but now I can. And today I stayed out and hung with family that's in town and went shopping with my favorite aunts and my cousin, went to work and had a good time, and now I'm home. I might hang out with Eric tonight or tomorrow. Tomorrow I've got plans to go play tennis with Laura, Lucas, Cody, Lindsay, and Anne, but I don't know if I want to get up that early. Reguardless, I have lunch plans and an afternoon to spend with Laura. New Year's Eve is most likely booked too. I'm staying busy.
I drove around tonight thinking and listening to Pink's new CD (can we talk about women empowered music here? That's like the soundtrack to it!) and just thinking. To be honest, Cory and I talked about marrying. I know that sounds silly, but we were just saying "what if". And remembering this, I remember that I was so willing to give up all my plans to support his political career. As they said in The Holiday, "some people were born to be leading ladies, and some were born to play the best friend" or this case, the wife. The one who had to let go of everything. And I'm definately not saying I didn't mean it when I said I was willing to, because I was, but then I thought about what God wanted me to do. I know that I am not meant to play the best friend, or the wife who watches their spouse rise and she rises on his coat tail. I am meant to play the leading lady, and I have always known it whether it be because I was deferred due to depression, something in my family holding me down, friends (occasionally but not so much), and in this case boyfriend, in the end I always was reassured that this was right. And I'm not saying that Cory was telling me to give up it to follow him, and there's nothing wrong with the woman who'll do that. When he finally gets his head straight for the right woman, she'll be the right woman to give up whatever she had planned and that's great. But I can't do that. I have big plans, I have big dreams, and I always knew God had big things planned for me. I am not meant to give my stuff up, I'm just not someone who's supposed to do that. I would, for sure, but I don't think that's what He has planned for me.
These four months have been amazing. This year we've been "involved", though it had definate bad times that have without a doubt left me scarred for life and always a little wary, it really has been amazing and I've never felt more love for another person in that way and really I've never felt more loved myself from another person. And if it were up to me, it wouldn't have stopped then. I'm not saying I'm not still in love with him, and I'm not saying I wouldn't get back together - I don't know if I would or wouldn't. I AM saying I understand more, and I am no longer upset. But it would have ended eventually, because I am not supposed to play that person that he needs for someone to be. Cory's meant to be a leading man in this life, I know it. He has drive, he has determination, he's smart, and he's funny. He has flaws, but he is definately meant to be a leading man. And I am a leading woman, and families don't work when you have two leading people together. As a 16 year old, I am not ready to look for someone to have a family with. But he's someone I loved, and still do just in a different way. We're still great friends, and we have situations this semester that I think will keep us close if he wants to stay close as friends. We're just not for each other, and I don't feel like that's something to cry about anymore. I rejoice, at the moment, for this little peice of freedom.
Thank you Ryan for making me realize all this.
Last night was a blast, something I feel like normally I couldn't do - but now I can. And today I stayed out and hung with family that's in town and went shopping with my favorite aunts and my cousin, went to work and had a good time, and now I'm home. I might hang out with Eric tonight or tomorrow. Tomorrow I've got plans to go play tennis with Laura, Lucas, Cody, Lindsay, and Anne, but I don't know if I want to get up that early. Reguardless, I have lunch plans and an afternoon to spend with Laura. New Year's Eve is most likely booked too. I'm staying busy.
I drove around tonight thinking and listening to Pink's new CD (can we talk about women empowered music here? That's like the soundtrack to it!) and just thinking. To be honest, Cory and I talked about marrying. I know that sounds silly, but we were just saying "what if". And remembering this, I remember that I was so willing to give up all my plans to support his political career. As they said in The Holiday, "some people were born to be leading ladies, and some were born to play the best friend" or this case, the wife. The one who had to let go of everything. And I'm definately not saying I didn't mean it when I said I was willing to, because I was, but then I thought about what God wanted me to do. I know that I am not meant to play the best friend, or the wife who watches their spouse rise and she rises on his coat tail. I am meant to play the leading lady, and I have always known it whether it be because I was deferred due to depression, something in my family holding me down, friends (occasionally but not so much), and in this case boyfriend, in the end I always was reassured that this was right. And I'm not saying that Cory was telling me to give up it to follow him, and there's nothing wrong with the woman who'll do that. When he finally gets his head straight for the right woman, she'll be the right woman to give up whatever she had planned and that's great. But I can't do that. I have big plans, I have big dreams, and I always knew God had big things planned for me. I am not meant to give my stuff up, I'm just not someone who's supposed to do that. I would, for sure, but I don't think that's what He has planned for me.
These four months have been amazing. This year we've been "involved", though it had definate bad times that have without a doubt left me scarred for life and always a little wary, it really has been amazing and I've never felt more love for another person in that way and really I've never felt more loved myself from another person. And if it were up to me, it wouldn't have stopped then. I'm not saying I'm not still in love with him, and I'm not saying I wouldn't get back together - I don't know if I would or wouldn't. I AM saying I understand more, and I am no longer upset. But it would have ended eventually, because I am not supposed to play that person that he needs for someone to be. Cory's meant to be a leading man in this life, I know it. He has drive, he has determination, he's smart, and he's funny. He has flaws, but he is definately meant to be a leading man. And I am a leading woman, and families don't work when you have two leading people together. As a 16 year old, I am not ready to look for someone to have a family with. But he's someone I loved, and still do just in a different way. We're still great friends, and we have situations this semester that I think will keep us close if he wants to stay close as friends. We're just not for each other, and I don't feel like that's something to cry about anymore. I rejoice, at the moment, for this little peice of freedom.
Thank you Ryan for making me realize all this.