waste of a post
Sometimes I have so much to say, yet I'm scared to say anything at all. Other times I blurt out shit and rant and ramble to people.. like I verbally emotionally explode. Ugh. I don't know. I want to say so much. I don't know where to start. I should have written books by now.
I'm scared.
Okay.. here's one thing that happened today. I realized that when I had to return a phonecall to an old friend of mine who I have been playing phone tag with for like a year now because I am terrified of the phone, that I am incapable of interacting with humans normally.. I forgot how.. And it was very apparent in my long rambly and embarrassing voicemail message to this person :( I realize how much my personality has changed since I got sick in 2003 and I hate what isolation and illness has done to me.
So many things changed about me since I became "sick person".. Some things made me a better person I think.. but so many things made me worse and crazy/fragile/weak. I don't know who I am anymore. I think about who I used to be.. the good parts and the bad parts.. and I seriously have no idea who I am now.
Now I'm just this scared and terrified person who struggles with stupid everyday tasks just to get by.. to exist. I have no life. I have no personality. I have too much anxiety. Too many fears about what happens next. This is gonna sound ghey, but I have no essence of me. I forgot who I am and I have no idea how to find her.. nor do I feel I have the energy to.
I have been feeling so pathetic lately. I have had to ask people for help and I HATE it. So much. I can't take the guilt. Stupid shit like grocery shopping, pharmacy, and laundry, have become these huge tasks that require an entire day's energy. I'm sick of it. I want more energy. Energy to LIVE . . not to do chores or tasks or doctors appointments. I miss feeling human. I miss feeling awake. I feel like the walking dead.
This old friend of mine that I spoke of earlier in this post.. the one I have been playing phone tag with.. We haven't seen each other since 1998. She knew a different person. I'm scared to see her. I'm scared to be seen.
I'm scared.
Okay.. here's one thing that happened today. I realized that when I had to return a phonecall to an old friend of mine who I have been playing phone tag with for like a year now because I am terrified of the phone, that I am incapable of interacting with humans normally.. I forgot how.. And it was very apparent in my long rambly and embarrassing voicemail message to this person :( I realize how much my personality has changed since I got sick in 2003 and I hate what isolation and illness has done to me.
So many things changed about me since I became "sick person".. Some things made me a better person I think.. but so many things made me worse and crazy/fragile/weak. I don't know who I am anymore. I think about who I used to be.. the good parts and the bad parts.. and I seriously have no idea who I am now.
Now I'm just this scared and terrified person who struggles with stupid everyday tasks just to get by.. to exist. I have no life. I have no personality. I have too much anxiety. Too many fears about what happens next. This is gonna sound ghey, but I have no essence of me. I forgot who I am and I have no idea how to find her.. nor do I feel I have the energy to.
I have been feeling so pathetic lately. I have had to ask people for help and I HATE it. So much. I can't take the guilt. Stupid shit like grocery shopping, pharmacy, and laundry, have become these huge tasks that require an entire day's energy. I'm sick of it. I want more energy. Energy to LIVE . . not to do chores or tasks or doctors appointments. I miss feeling human. I miss feeling awake. I feel like the walking dead.
This old friend of mine that I spoke of earlier in this post.. the one I have been playing phone tag with.. We haven't seen each other since 1998. She knew a different person. I'm scared to see her. I'm scared to be seen.