(no subject)
Hello you, its been so long :)
I have to mark this day down, i really do. Because yes, it is monumental. Because yes, it is no longer about the before or the during but rather the after. Because yes, this will linger.
When i met panic a little more than a month ago, i had no intentions of letting myself in. I wanted to get out, and he was there to help. He is not exactly the kind who would be anyone's first choice, hence i didn't think much of it even though he was a boy. But time made all the difference, not just time alone but time spent together. All these time spent together creates an attachment that can at times, be easily mistaken as fondness, as love. But maybe it was merely familiarity. The odd strange overwhelming familiarity that we had pulled it together. How can you only know someone for a day but feel like old souls? It is scary, it is amazing, it is magnetic. When you are trying to get out, you look for ways to hide. And in so many ways he provided me. The company, the thoughts, the words. In so many ways he was to stay in me.
Perhaps what was really different was that this time, i am done trying. With all so many before, i have tried. I had to be in control, i had to give it all. With him, it was a calm that came over. A calm that was okay with not doing, with waiting, with accepting whats not. And this calm made all the difference that i need. We began dating, only to end it a week later. It was heart wrenching, cry worthy, and sad. The same kind of sad that was different. The sad that also came with peace. Because i've given up, or because i truly believed things will be okay. I might never know, but its okay. Because this peace says that its okay. And it is.
The 'breakup' from the date was last Friday. Its a little more than a week ago. And the past week wasn't exactly great. How can it be anyway. But it wasn't exactly sucky too. It was filled with self discovery, things that i've learnt. Some people are meant to stay in your life only for a period of time, but what they leave behind goes on for a really long time, if not forever. I have come to accept that he could be it. Although i do like him so much to hope he is not, i have learnt to come to terms with it and be okay about it. Although the truth is i haven't really let go. My heart still skips when he leaves a message. My heart still hope when my phone rings. Sometimes i reach for my phone and fall into pieces when there isn't anything of him. It was tiring.
Today, i left house because i was supposed to meet mark. Which failed. I went to clarkequay, sat down at the steps right where we first spoke. I was sad broken damaged and i wanted to talk to him. I must have contemplated more than anything, and i did. I didn't know whether or not to meet him, and whatever it is, when the conversation ended, everything else did too. Tonight was it, the night that i finally realise that i have to let go. That letting go is not a form of hanging on, that it truly is time to be firm and let it go. To make the choice of walking away and sticking to it. And i was relieved. I could smile. I feel good. I could walk with a bounce.
It is true, maybe the dark will have a way of creeping back to me some hours some days some weeks later. Or when i pass by a place we had memories in, or when i recall a conversation that we had, the moments when we were infinite, the butterflies when we touch. But for now, it is a good. And this is enough.
In this instant the fear creeps into me
and grow like weeds around my ribcage
I cannot breathe
But there are petals too
And i pluck them bit by bit, counting our love
And even when i'm done i still haven't ascertain if you love me
But it didn't matter whether you do or not
Because i've decided to pluck the roots and feed my own garden
Till then, this will linger.
After then, we'll be better.
I have to mark this day down, i really do. Because yes, it is monumental. Because yes, it is no longer about the before or the during but rather the after. Because yes, this will linger.
When i met panic a little more than a month ago, i had no intentions of letting myself in. I wanted to get out, and he was there to help. He is not exactly the kind who would be anyone's first choice, hence i didn't think much of it even though he was a boy. But time made all the difference, not just time alone but time spent together. All these time spent together creates an attachment that can at times, be easily mistaken as fondness, as love. But maybe it was merely familiarity. The odd strange overwhelming familiarity that we had pulled it together. How can you only know someone for a day but feel like old souls? It is scary, it is amazing, it is magnetic. When you are trying to get out, you look for ways to hide. And in so many ways he provided me. The company, the thoughts, the words. In so many ways he was to stay in me.
Perhaps what was really different was that this time, i am done trying. With all so many before, i have tried. I had to be in control, i had to give it all. With him, it was a calm that came over. A calm that was okay with not doing, with waiting, with accepting whats not. And this calm made all the difference that i need. We began dating, only to end it a week later. It was heart wrenching, cry worthy, and sad. The same kind of sad that was different. The sad that also came with peace. Because i've given up, or because i truly believed things will be okay. I might never know, but its okay. Because this peace says that its okay. And it is.
The 'breakup' from the date was last Friday. Its a little more than a week ago. And the past week wasn't exactly great. How can it be anyway. But it wasn't exactly sucky too. It was filled with self discovery, things that i've learnt. Some people are meant to stay in your life only for a period of time, but what they leave behind goes on for a really long time, if not forever. I have come to accept that he could be it. Although i do like him so much to hope he is not, i have learnt to come to terms with it and be okay about it. Although the truth is i haven't really let go. My heart still skips when he leaves a message. My heart still hope when my phone rings. Sometimes i reach for my phone and fall into pieces when there isn't anything of him. It was tiring.
Today, i left house because i was supposed to meet mark. Which failed. I went to clarkequay, sat down at the steps right where we first spoke. I was sad broken damaged and i wanted to talk to him. I must have contemplated more than anything, and i did. I didn't know whether or not to meet him, and whatever it is, when the conversation ended, everything else did too. Tonight was it, the night that i finally realise that i have to let go. That letting go is not a form of hanging on, that it truly is time to be firm and let it go. To make the choice of walking away and sticking to it. And i was relieved. I could smile. I feel good. I could walk with a bounce.
It is true, maybe the dark will have a way of creeping back to me some hours some days some weeks later. Or when i pass by a place we had memories in, or when i recall a conversation that we had, the moments when we were infinite, the butterflies when we touch. But for now, it is a good. And this is enough.
In this instant the fear creeps into me
and grow like weeds around my ribcage
I cannot breathe
But there are petals too
And i pluck them bit by bit, counting our love
And even when i'm done i still haven't ascertain if you love me
But it didn't matter whether you do or not
Because i've decided to pluck the roots and feed my own garden
Till then, this will linger.
After then, we'll be better.