Things I hate girls wearing.
As a men's fashion columnist, I often don't get the fun of saying shit like this because I'm not supposed to care, but fuck tradition: I'm going to list it out. Below are things that girls as a gender need to stop wearing, do, or not do. Coming from my perspective, as both a columnist and someone with an interest in the matter. OBEY NOW.
- Ugg boots, or basically any fur-lined boots in general. They lack style, especially with jeans. Leather boots can be cute, especially with a teensy bit of heel (1" or so), but not damn fake leather with fur.
- Sundresses or silk dresses with plunging necklines- one-pieces are only sexy when you don't look like a sorostitute. Despite popular belief, the more cleavage I see, the sluttier I presume you are, not the more turned on I am.
- Fake stone necklaces. They had their time, and now that time is gone. Smaller necklaces out of silver match current styles much more efficiently and don't look like a budding Wilma Flintstone.
- Overuse of bikinis. I'm more interested if I don't see your body often, if I see it daily, showing off isn't that effective. That's why clothing is sexy: hide it until it's private.
- ANY/ALL MALIBU BEACH STYLES. That includes Hollister, Abercrombie and Fitch, and the like. Leave that to the spoiled 12 year olds, you look like retards. I'm not kidding. The style is dead. We're all tired of it, everyone wears it, you are not an original snowflake, etc.
- ANY/ALL HOT TOPIC STYLES. Goth can be sexy, but only in .001% of cases (ergo, probably not yours). The "Suicide Girl Look" fails because that same percentage applies to Suicide Girls, in which most guys won't even bother pirating the photos to check them out nowadays.
- Vans shoes, or other "boyish" looks, make me think "immature".
- While this isn't clothing, dying your hair blond is disgusting, because despite popular belief, 99.9% of guys don't want blond girls. Natural flowing hair is better than brittle, poorly dyed abominations on top of your head.
- Adding to the above, I can tell a fake tan and I am laughing at you. Even real tans are a bit ugly. If you get a tan, do it in a normal bikini (that is, not a strapless, you will look flat-chested) and only lightly, so the tan lines are barely there. LIGHT tan lines are sexy, burn lines are a turn off.
- Lace is cute and can be sexy, why have women forsaken it??
- As a contradiction to the above, camisole tops without anything over them are an atrocity.
- STOP PULLING YOUR HAIR BACK IN A PONYTAIL.
- Pantsuits are no unless they are classy. Meaning no shoulder padding.
- Strike people with makeup, but not that stupid pseudo-scenekid yellow/orange/green shit. I can notice a girl with hot red lips from five hundred feet away, try that.
- Perfume is a godsend, use it (and use nonscented deodorant). Please.
- Elaborate tops that "hang" from your shoulders need be worn by those without chests. If you have breasts, please do not wear these, as you will look stupid. Incidentally, even flatchested girls look stupid, so take heed.
- Graphic tees are dead for men, and even more so for women.
- ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NO HOODIES. I mean this. No. Hoodies. None. Not even one. Not one at all. Never wear one in my sight. Ever. That's for fat pimply girls who play World of Warcraft and read Yaoi, which you should strive NOT to be.
- Sorority shirts make you look like a tool, no exceptions.
- Aviators are for men, not for women. However, retro style plastic rimmed glasses are admittedly hot this year.
- If you buy a swimsuit, do it in a color that matches your skin (ergo, no brown unless you are coffee-skinned). No flower prints, everyone has those. If you're pale (and not pimply/slightly blush toned), white is an awesome color. Black is also, but it depends on your hair color. Bright ass pink is off-putting.
- No boy shorts. Please. They are not sexy. I don't know why, but I fail to find any interest in them whatsoever, and unless they are God's Gift to girls for comfort, ditch them.
- "Poofy" (lined) jackets or North Face jackets are absolute no-nos. Always.
- Your purse should always be no bigger than needed, meaning no bigger than a notebook in length and width, and no wider than a pen. Learn to consolidate- if you can fit your laptop and books into it, it is far too big.
- You may find Vera Bradley sexy, but to me, it just looks like something someone's grandmother is stitching in a back room of some giant shop. I have no objections, but a Vera Bradley bag is not a magical beacon of style.
- Yes, you can put something into your hair without having it pulled back- a hairpin does not mean your hair should be in a ponytail. Try it.
- If I can see your stomach or your back, it is too short. It does not turn me on.
- Turtlenecks and sweaters are much sexier than you think they are, especially if they are slightly tight.
- Ballet flats are okay, but those of us in the Men's Fashion side of the world have quickly learned your side is doing it because you're paranoid of heels. Nice try, we know your secret, you're not getting away with it, etc.
- Half-jackets (jackets ending at your mid-torso) are too hip-hop-ish.
- NO SWEATPANTS. EVER.
- If you wear sandals, please paint your toenails.
- Garter belts and stockings are the greatest things ever created.
- Skirts are amazing. Wear them. And no higher than your mid-thigh or you WILL look like a whore and despite your initial thought, I CAN see your panties.
Long enough? Yes. Commit to memory. Or else.
- Ugg boots, or basically any fur-lined boots in general. They lack style, especially with jeans. Leather boots can be cute, especially with a teensy bit of heel (1" or so), but not damn fake leather with fur.
- Sundresses or silk dresses with plunging necklines- one-pieces are only sexy when you don't look like a sorostitute. Despite popular belief, the more cleavage I see, the sluttier I presume you are, not the more turned on I am.
- Fake stone necklaces. They had their time, and now that time is gone. Smaller necklaces out of silver match current styles much more efficiently and don't look like a budding Wilma Flintstone.
- Overuse of bikinis. I'm more interested if I don't see your body often, if I see it daily, showing off isn't that effective. That's why clothing is sexy: hide it until it's private.
- ANY/ALL MALIBU BEACH STYLES. That includes Hollister, Abercrombie and Fitch, and the like. Leave that to the spoiled 12 year olds, you look like retards. I'm not kidding. The style is dead. We're all tired of it, everyone wears it, you are not an original snowflake, etc.
- ANY/ALL HOT TOPIC STYLES. Goth can be sexy, but only in .001% of cases (ergo, probably not yours). The "Suicide Girl Look" fails because that same percentage applies to Suicide Girls, in which most guys won't even bother pirating the photos to check them out nowadays.
- Vans shoes, or other "boyish" looks, make me think "immature".
- While this isn't clothing, dying your hair blond is disgusting, because despite popular belief, 99.9% of guys don't want blond girls. Natural flowing hair is better than brittle, poorly dyed abominations on top of your head.
- Adding to the above, I can tell a fake tan and I am laughing at you. Even real tans are a bit ugly. If you get a tan, do it in a normal bikini (that is, not a strapless, you will look flat-chested) and only lightly, so the tan lines are barely there. LIGHT tan lines are sexy, burn lines are a turn off.
- Lace is cute and can be sexy, why have women forsaken it??
- As a contradiction to the above, camisole tops without anything over them are an atrocity.
- STOP PULLING YOUR HAIR BACK IN A PONYTAIL.
- Pantsuits are no unless they are classy. Meaning no shoulder padding.
- Strike people with makeup, but not that stupid pseudo-scenekid yellow/orange/green shit. I can notice a girl with hot red lips from five hundred feet away, try that.
- Perfume is a godsend, use it (and use nonscented deodorant). Please.
- Elaborate tops that "hang" from your shoulders need be worn by those without chests. If you have breasts, please do not wear these, as you will look stupid. Incidentally, even flatchested girls look stupid, so take heed.
- Graphic tees are dead for men, and even more so for women.
- ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NO HOODIES. I mean this. No. Hoodies. None. Not even one. Not one at all. Never wear one in my sight. Ever. That's for fat pimply girls who play World of Warcraft and read Yaoi, which you should strive NOT to be.
- Sorority shirts make you look like a tool, no exceptions.
- Aviators are for men, not for women. However, retro style plastic rimmed glasses are admittedly hot this year.
- If you buy a swimsuit, do it in a color that matches your skin (ergo, no brown unless you are coffee-skinned). No flower prints, everyone has those. If you're pale (and not pimply/slightly blush toned), white is an awesome color. Black is also, but it depends on your hair color. Bright ass pink is off-putting.
- No boy shorts. Please. They are not sexy. I don't know why, but I fail to find any interest in them whatsoever, and unless they are God's Gift to girls for comfort, ditch them.
- "Poofy" (lined) jackets or North Face jackets are absolute no-nos. Always.
- Your purse should always be no bigger than needed, meaning no bigger than a notebook in length and width, and no wider than a pen. Learn to consolidate- if you can fit your laptop and books into it, it is far too big.
- You may find Vera Bradley sexy, but to me, it just looks like something someone's grandmother is stitching in a back room of some giant shop. I have no objections, but a Vera Bradley bag is not a magical beacon of style.
- Yes, you can put something into your hair without having it pulled back- a hairpin does not mean your hair should be in a ponytail. Try it.
- If I can see your stomach or your back, it is too short. It does not turn me on.
- Turtlenecks and sweaters are much sexier than you think they are, especially if they are slightly tight.
- Ballet flats are okay, but those of us in the Men's Fashion side of the world have quickly learned your side is doing it because you're paranoid of heels. Nice try, we know your secret, you're not getting away with it, etc.
- Half-jackets (jackets ending at your mid-torso) are too hip-hop-ish.
- NO SWEATPANTS. EVER.
- If you wear sandals, please paint your toenails.
- Garter belts and stockings are the greatest things ever created.
- Skirts are amazing. Wear them. And no higher than your mid-thigh or you WILL look like a whore and despite your initial thought, I CAN see your panties.
Long enough? Yes. Commit to memory. Or else.