(no subject)
The other day mom came home from picking Anya up at her friend Morgan's birthday part. Morgan lives a few streets over. I was upstairs and mom called me to the railing and told me that Morgan's parents had decided they would buy Nike from us. For one hundred dollars. We bought him two years ago for 2500. We asked 2200 for anyone that wanted to buy him. We have been trying to sell him since last August I think. No one has wanted him, and the few people that have, have found out that he cribs (chews on wood) and changed their minds or found a different horse that doesn't crib. We really do not have the money to have a horse-paying $175 a month for board at the barn, plus vet bills and ferrier bills every once in a while. It's not worth it when I don't even have time to ride anymore and I don't want to compete anymore. I have felt so terrible about selling him in the first place. I feel like I failed at taking care of another living being and now I am just sending him away to someone else so I don't have the responsibility that I apparently can't handle. Who knows what may have happened if Brittney hadn't moved, or if we had stayed at Wiley, or if we had more money. Who knows. But this is how things worked out and so it's impossible for us to keep him. For the past few months we have been paying board with money that we don't have, hoping in vain that the people with interest would buy him. So, for the fact that no one else seems to want him, we know these people-they are good people and know horses-and the main cost problem is the board we will no longer have to pay oncehe is sold-we are selling him to Morgan's family for one hundred dollars. Do you think I am proud of that? Do you think I have no shame in the fact that I am giving away an animal-a living being that has never done anything wrong to me, has always tried his hardest, has always been so sweet and loving and cooperative with me, that I am giving him away for one hundred dollars and will probably never see him again, after two whole years together. It's not even about the money so much as it is the principle of the thing. This is really hard for me. It's just a horse? It's not just a horse. To me, that just sounds wrong. He is a living being and I honestly feel like I have failed at taking care of him. I feel like he is a good friend that I have neglected and betrayed and now I am just leaving him alone forever and forgetting about him, and people are saying he's just a horse. And making fun of the fact that we sold him for only a hundred dollars. What else can I do? I feel bad enough that I failed at taking care of him, it's not my fault that we don't have the money to keep him either. And after this morning, not winning any awards or recognitions, I know it's not a big deal and I'm not the only one, but it just hurts me. I never feel like I am good enough, and it's not helping to be ashamed about my horse. But I AM ashamed and I am sorry and I feel stupid, inadequate, and lonely.