Chapter 3 - The Flood, 2344 BC
Art by sanomi
It had been a hundred and twenty years since they'd started this project - four men working alone. Three hundred cubits long, fifty cubits wide and thirty cubits high, it had taken an entire forest of gopher wood to construct, but the ark of the Lord was finally complete, and Aziraphale was as tired as if he'd built it himself.
He'd assigned himself to watching over Noah and his family. As much as it pained him to ignore everyone else, he knew that they were all going to perish, and protecting Noah became more important than trying to save one or two of the least wicked of the others. (1) However, Aziraphale had his work cut out for him: Noah's efforts were, at best, laughed about and, at worst, sabotaged. Twice the angel had prevented the ark from being burned to the ground, and he'd stopped four attempted beatings and a murderous attack by unforgiving neighbors. The patriarch attributed it to the benevolence of the Lord, which was true enough in its way, but Aziraphale wondered if Noah knew how much the benevolence of the Lord was filtering through one very hard-working angel.
He was taking a break at the moment, sitting invisibly in the shade cast by the ark, watching as one of Noah's sons returned from a six-month visit to his wife's family so that she could see them for the last time. Smiling, he watched Noah embrace Japheth and his wife, Arathka, but there appeared to be someone else standing with them - a very pretty young woman. Her eyes were properly cast to the ground as Japheth introduced her to Noah, and Aziraphale tuned in to hear, "…my second wife, Adrea." The angel arched an ethereal eyebrow. Multiple wives weren't unheard of, certainly, but amongst God's chosen? And didn't Arathka look jealous? The much older woman was clearly fuming. Concerned that he now had to add domestic harmony to his roster of work, Aziraphale was ready to go over to get a better look at the girl when Ham started shouting and cursing. He'd apparently hit his hand with a hammer. Again. Forgetting all about Adrea, the angel moved quickly to see what could be done about Ham's swollen thumb.
***
The next day the animals began to arrive. Aziraphale was kept busy for weeks just trying to keep the predators from eating the prey, the runners from running, the flyers from flying, the smaller creatures from being stepped on, the larger ones from getting trapped, the insects from creeping them all out, and everyone from starving and/or panicking. (Mating was okay, at least, and seemed to be the only thing left to do.) He had never worked so hard, performed so many miracles, or been so tired, and he spared not a thought for a second son's second wife.
But fortunately, difficult things do eventually end, even for angels, and so did this task. Huge, thick, dark clouds were pouring into the sky just as Noah (and Aziraphale) got the last pair of animals on board, (2) and heaved a shared sigh of relief. Last to board were the humans: Shem and his wife Nahalath Mahnuk, Japeth with Arathka and Adrea, Ham and Zedkat Nabu, and finally, Noah and his wife Emzara. They had just sealed the great door when the first fat drops of rain began to fall.
And all the fountains of the great deep were broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened.
And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the high hills, that were under the whole heaven, were covered.
Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and the mountains were covered.
And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, (3) and every man:
All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died.
And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things (4), and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark.
***
They that were with him in the ark were definitely alive, but bored. It had been five days and five nights of constant pouring rain battering and echoing against the wooden sides of the ark, and the humans were already going a bit stir-crazy. Four of the women cooked and cleaned and bickered while the four men had nothing to do but talk. Noah had only taken enough food on board for the humans, trusting that God would feed the animals, so that task landed on Aziraphale as well. He was kept so busy miracling enough meat and grain and fruit to keep the creatures sedate and happy that he didn't realize anyone was missing until he happened to be passing through the living quarters on his way to the predators’ pens.
"And where is that idle wife of yours? Nahalath is tired of doing her share of the work."
"I'm sorry, brother, she is quite ill. She does nothing but lay on our sleeping mats writhing in pain."
Shem raised his eyebrows. "Brother, I must ask. Why did you jeopardize your marriage with Arathka and your relationship with God for the sake of a sickly girl? Yes, she is pretty, but the Lord has warned us to be on our guard when we perceive beauty and told us that marriage is most properly between one man and one woman." He said nothing about lust; it seemed rather obvious.
Japeth couldn't meet his eyes. "She is unique," was all he could say without lying.
"I'm sure she is," replied Shem harshly. "But be on your guard, brother. One woman is not worth the loss of the Kingdom of Heaven." And he turned sharply and left the room.
"No…" murmured Japeth sadly as he watched Shem go.
Puzzled by this exchange, Aziraphale remembered the young Adrea and resolved to visit her once he'd finished his work.
***
The angel found a free hour the next morning, and when Japeth was in the shared living area with his brothers and father, Aziraphale slipped into his room. Just as her husband had described, Adrea was curled up on her mat, barely breathing, muscles taut, eyes tightly shut, and sweating heavily as though in the midst of a high fever. But the angel didn't get a sense of sickness, just a sense of wrongness. What was going on here? Aziraphale sent a gentle encouragement to her to wake up, and her eyes slammed open and focused directly on him. Snake eyes.
The first person to actually see him in centuries, and it's a demon. That demon.
"Crawly…" he said warily, taking a step back towards the door.
"Fuck," she replied, closing her eyes. "Not you again. And it's Crowley. I told you."
Aziraphale took a hesitant step forward again. "You can't discorporate me this time. I don't have a body."
"Do I look like I'm in any condition to discorporate anyone?" she snapped. Then she coughed and looked up at him again as his mouth was opening to form a response. "No, don't answer that. It's a hypothetical question. Go on, put me out of my misery, then."
"What?"
"It's been, what, almost two thousand years, and you're still this fucking dense? Just banish me already, and try not to talk, would you? That counts as cruel and unusual punishment."
The angel hesitated. "I should… But it doesn't seem fair."
Crowley snorted. "Of course it's not fair. But you have the advantage. I'm helpless, you win, everyone's happy." She coughed again.
"How does that make you happy?" asked Aziraphale with a frown.
She responded by curling into a ball facing away from him. "Oh, hell, angel. Do it or go away. I can't… talking makes it worse."
Not appearing to have much choice, Aziraphale withdrew. He couldn't stop from thinking about it, though, as he tended the animals. And the more he thought, the more questions he had. He was going to have to talk to Crowley again.
***
The angel returned two days later, and the demon looked, if anything, worse. With a nearly inaudible sigh, Aziraphale knelt by her head, produced a wet cloth, and made to lay it on her fevered brow when a hand moving nearly faster than he could see came up and snatched his wrist. A golden eye opened and peered up at him. "Couldn't do it straight out?" she asked tiredly. "Had to sneak around?"
Aziraphale's eyes were wide. "No. I was just trying to help. You looked so uncomfortable."
"You have got to be the worst excuse for an angel that I have ever seen," she spat. "The enemy, who has infiltrated God's great plan and put the last eight human beings on the planet in jeopardy, is lying prostrate before you, and all you can think to do is take care of him. Her. Whatever the hell I am."
"My first duty is compassion," replied Aziraphale serenely, and for all his doubts and worries, that was one thing he truly believed.
The demon rolled her eyes, but let go of Aziraphale's hand.
Taking that as a sign of permission, the angel brought the cool, damp cloth down to dab at her forehead. She looked surprised, but then seemed to calm slightly.
"I didn't think demons could get ill."
"We can't."
"Then what's wrong?" he asked, turning the cloth to the cool side and running it along her high cheekbones.
"Honestly, do you have two brain cells to rub together? (5) It's been raining poison death for eight days."
"It's just water…"
"Holy water," she interrupted.
Stunned by the revelation - he hadn't really thought about it before - Aziraphale's mouth opened in a surprised "o". Crowley started to laugh at him, but her face fell and she began to arch off the mat in a spasm of pain. Not daring to use his holy powers on her for fear of making it worse, all Aziraphale could do was grab her arms and hold grimly on until the seizure took its course. Panting and exhausted afterward, she was clearly too worn to continue the conversation. Aziraphale would have to come back again. He left her dozing fitfully, a glass of ever cool, ever refilling, plain water by her bedside.
***
He pondered the issue as he made his rounds over the next few days: While producing bamboo for the pandas, he remembered the awful sneak attack and how angry and vicious Crowley had been in killing him; as he gave mangoes, guavas, and papayas to the smaller monkeys, he wondered if maybe the demon had been right to be so upset; while tossing steaks to the tigers, he thought about the consequences of failure - not to him, per se, but what would happen to Creation if he didn't interfere and Crowley did manage to destroy the ark project; but as he filled the bird feeders with seed, he realized that, more than anything, he was lonely. He hadn't spoken to anyone in centuries. It was true that the demon was abrasive and difficult, but in her condition she was no real threat to him. It couldn't hurt to continue taking care of her for now.
Having made his decision, Aziraphale finished feeding the multitudes of animals and, entirely grateful for the carte blanche on miracles that he currently had, cleared out the several tons of waste that had accumulated that day with a wave of his hand and headed towards Japeth's room.
He was waylaid again by conversation, this time between Shem's wife, Nahalath, and Japeth's first wife, Arathka.
"Sister, I am tired of doing extra work for your husband's other wife, while she lies around and does nothing," complained Nahalath. (6)
Arathka scowled. "I do not wish to see her. I shall do your work if you wish, but I pray you don't drag her into it. If she were to die during the voyage, I would not be sad."
Nahalath didn't look shocked at this sentiment, but Aziraphale certainly was; these were supposed to be the favoured ones.
"I have noticed," she began hesitantly, "that the food your husband sets aside for her each evening remains there the next morning."
"I am not giving it to her," replied Arathka proudly. "Whether she lives or dies is not for me to decide. I leave it up to God. He will save her if she deserves to be saved." She tossed her head.
Tightening her lips slightly, Nahalath said, "Then do her work as well and you will hear nothing else from me."
"Very will, sister," came the response, and they moved off together.
Aziraphale was horrified. They were testing ineffability. They would intentionally cause a girl's death; indeed if she'd been human, she probably would have been dead already, and for no other reason but petty jealousy. He really needed to talk to Crowley.
***
The demon was still in her bed when Aziraphale entered the room. She glanced up at him with sunken bright eyes, possessively clutching the glass of water he'd left before. Something in Aziraphale's chest tightened at the sight. Not wanting to frighten her, he sat just inside the door, as far from the mat as possible. "Hello, Crowley."
"What do you want?" she asked.
"I overheard a conversation between Nahalath and Arathka."
Crowley sneered. "That bitch."
"Is it true that she's not been bringing you food like she was supposed to?"
"Look around, angel. Do you see any food?"
Aziraphale didn't. Nor did he see any evidence that food had been there at all. He frowned. "You should probably eat something if you want to maintain any strength at all."
"You think?"
"Why haven't you created it for yourself?"
"Oh, for… do you ever bother to work things out for yourself? Not only am I pathetically weak, but I'm surrounded by blessed holiness. I can't do a damn thing.”
Without speaking, Aziraphale materialized a bowl of chicken broth within Crowley's reach.
"Show-off," she muttered, but took the bowl and drank it faster than was prudent, the liquid scalding her tongue.
When she'd finished, the angel asked, "So, how do you come to be married? Do you love your husband?" It wasn't what he'd been intending to say, but it was what he was most curious about. He didn't know if demons could feel love.
Crowley threw the empty bowl at Aziraphale, hitting him in the knee. "You expect me to be so grateful for the food that I'll tell you anything you want to know? Well, fuck you! How dare you ask me that, rapist? Did you love your 'wife'?"
Too late, Aziraphale realized his mistake. "Listen to me, Crowley, I was not the father of your friend's child."
"Liar," she spat fiercely, turning her face away a moment later when it appeared to dawn on her that he couldn't be.
The angel saw her hurt, angry expression and hoped that his explanation would help. "After you discorporated me that day, I returned to Heaven and started talking to people. It took me fifty years, but I finally got in to see Michael and told him what I thought had happened based on what you said. He investigated and found that hundreds of angels had sired children with human women. It was so common, the children even had a name. They were called the nephilim. The higher ranks had no idea…" He shook his head.
"I also did some investigations of my own. It seems that the angel you were looking for that day was named Hayyel." Aziraphale couldn't meet her eyes any longer and looked at the ground instead. "He, I'm sorry to say, didn't recall her specifically… and had already returned to Heaven by the time you set out. At any rate, Michael's ruling came shortly thereafter. From then on, any angel found to produce children was to Fall immediately. There have been no more nephilim since."
The demon looked like she didn't know how to react to that. Aziraphale could see the wariness in her eyes; watched the play of disbelief, anger, pain, and finally a terrible resignation cross her delicate features. It was the latter that broke his heart. How many times had she been resigned to the unspeakable?
"Seducing, abandoning, and killing an innocent human girl doesn't sound like a terribly angelic pastime to me," Crowley said in a low voice. "Sounds like my dear husband, although he wouldn't have the balls to finish the job."
For not the first time that day, Aziraphale was shocked. "How can you say that? Japeth is a righteous man!"
"Oh, yes. They're so very righteous, your men of God. Shem is proud and envious, Ham is a lazy glutton, Noah an angry drunk, and Japeth lustful and covetous. I think the best that can be said for them is that none of them have all of the deadly sins. They're only good by comparison."
"Then why on Earth did you marry him?" Aziraphale nearly wailed.
Livid colour momentarily returned to her wan, pale skin. "Because otherwise I'd be dead," she hissed. "You think I wanted it to turn out this way? Noah was going around telling everyone who'd listen about what was going to happen. No one else believed him, but I did. I know God can be that much of a bastard. I tried to get leave to go back down to Hell, and they wouldn't approve it. I even tried to get transferred down there, and Belial refused. He said I was to stay here no matter what. No one believed it, angel. Not a single demon apart from me thought that God would wipe out His entire creation and start again. That the world would be covered in blessed holy water. Do you have any idea how many demons died a couple of weeks ago?"
Her chest was heaving. "The only way to survive was to be on this ship. And the only way to get on this ship was to be married to one of Noah's sons. At least Belial granted me a gender switch, so after a couple of months in Hell - that were no picnic, let me assure you - I came back and went after Japeth. Shem was too proud and Ham too stupid to be seduced. It didn't take long to figure out that Japeth wouldn't be seduced either."
Aziraphale looked up from the rough wooden floor and in a flat, hopeless voice said, "Because he was too much in love with his wife?"
"Close, but no cigar," she sneered. (7) "He was too much in love with Ham's wife. Dear, sweet, little Zedkat Nabu was cheating on her idiot husband with his elder brother. When I found out, I told him that he'd marry me or I'd share the information with interested parties."
"Blackmail!"
"Yes, of course. The next day we were married in a legal ceremony, and I hope like hell I never have to go through that again. That jealous she-cat gave me a lovely welcome, too. Just for that, I kept him sedated for hours in my tent making all kinds of wild noises just to piss her off."
"Which might explain why she wants you to starve to death…" said Aziraphale, feeling drained. He didn't think anything could ever surprise him again.
"Yeah, well…" Crowley began, but the sudden movements and violent anger had been too much for her weak body. Her eyes rolled back into her head and she collapsed.
Aziraphale was on his feet in a second. Even from where he stood, he could feel the heat radiating from her body as she fought a virulent fever; cold compresses weren't going to help this time. Making his decision, the angel gathered Crowley’s far too light body in his arms and carried her to the deepest depths of the ark.
***
He watched her wake four days later, in a small place that he'd made very dark and very dry. She looked disoriented, her golden eyes reflecting what little light there was.
"'s dark," she slurred.
Aziraphale gave the room a gentle blue glow, just enough to see by.
"Angel?" asked Crowley confusedly after catching sight of her companion. "Where are we?"
"In the hold of the ark," he said with a sigh. It had been a difficult few days.
"And we're in the hold because…?"
The angel only materialized another bowl of broth. "Here, I insist you drink this."
Crowley took it but didn't drink. "Not until you tell me what's going on."
"You were going to die," he said quietly. "Too much humidity in those rooms near the surface. Too many windows. I brought you down here, and left a 'corpse' for the others to find. I'm very sorry to say that the only person who mourned you was Shem because he thought he ought to feel something upon your passing and felt more guilty that he didn't. Then they tossed you overboard, and you haven't been mentioned since."
Aziraphale was incredibly disappointed; he'd hoped for more from the chosen ones. It seemed Crowley had been right about them. But it was not up to him to question the ineffable plan.
"I was able to make some room for you down here. It's not much, but it's largely waterproof, and you should be all right."
Crowley blinked. "Why would you do such a thing? I'm the enemy. I broke your neck."
The angel looked miserable. "I don't know."
In truth, he suspected it was because Crowley had cared enough for a human being that he had been willing to kill for her. It also may have had something to do with the fact that she was the first being he'd talked to in decades, and he was lonely. But neither of those was appropriate to voice out loud, so he said nothing.
The demon drank her soup in silence. Only when she was done did she say, "So now what? I stay in here for another month?"
"Twenty-four days," said Aziraphale. "I think you'll be fairly well healed by then. But you've got to stay in here."
"I understand, angel. And you'll pop in every once in a while to check on me or something?"
Aziraphale blushed lightly. "If that's all right…"
She seemed to consider this. "Yeah, okay. Just, you know, knock first. I might be naked in here."
His blush deepened, and she grinned.
***
It turned out to be a lot longer than twenty-four days. That was only when it stopped raining. The waters prevailed upon the earth an hundred and fifty days after that, so it was nearly six months that Crowley and Aziraphale were nominally in each other's company. To Aziraphale's continued amazement, Crowley slept a great deal, healing and bored, while he continued to tend the animals. They generally only met for half an hour a day to share a simple meal.
The angel actually looked forward to these times. The frustrations of daily problems became more amusing in hindsight as he told them to someone else. And the demon laughed in all the right places. And all the wrong ones. She laughed at him a lot.
One particular day, however, he had news.
"Noah released the dove again yesterday, and it returned today with an olive branch in its beak."
"Then I can finally get off this bloody boat!" she replied.
Aziraphale was slightly hurt but tried to see things from her perspective. Six months with only an angel for company and surrounded by holy water can't have been pleasant for the demon. "I'll be glad to not have to watch over the animals any longer. Though there is a hamster I've grown rather fond of…"
Crowley rolled her eyes expressively. Then she started toying with her plate, looking like she was trying to make a decision. The angel watched, puzzled. "Something wrong?"
"No," she replied, too quickly. "So, uh, what's your name, anyway, angel?"
He blinked in surprise; that wasn't what he'd been expecting. "My name? Aziraphale."
Crowley snorted. "Foreigner of God? Nice. Was He running out of ideas?"
Feeling his face going stony, Aziraphale said, "Yes? What's your real name, then?"
She looked away and changed the subject.
***
They hit dry land the next day, and the angel had to run around preventing injuries and keeping everyone calm as they disembarked. With animals running every which way, he was hard pressed to think of anything else. When he finally went back below deck to see Crowley one more time, he found the room empty and the demon gone. She hadn't even said goodbye.
***
(1) Though he did make an attempt when he saw an opportunity and had the time. He was an angel, after all.
(2) Platypode, as it so happens. And yes, that's the correct plural form of platypus.
(3) Many people interpret the phrase "every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth" in this passage to mean things like insects and invertebrates, and it does, but it also includes demons, some hundreds of whom perished forever in the holy water of The Flood. After that, field agent wasn't exactly a coveted job Down Below, and they could only find one demon stupid enough to take it on. As it was then pointless to have hundreds of angelic field agents to counteract the deeds of only one demonic agent, all the devine agents were recalled as well, save the one idiot who actually chose to stay down there rather than return to Heaven.
(4) Demons again.
(5) Translator's Note: Humans at this point had no idea that thoughts stemmed from their brains. They believed the heart was the logical place for such things to originate, and blood the method of carrying the thoughts around the body. Also, the concept of cells wouldn't come about for another four thousand years or so. Therefore, in the language they were speaking, she couldn't really have said this phrase at all. What Crowley actually said was more like, "Tell me the truth, do you even have two drops of blood to meet?"
(6) At the time and until very near the present day, sisters-in-law were referred to simply as sisters.
(7) Translator's Note: Literally, “The cow was mounted, but no calf.”
Continue on to Chapter 4 - Sodom and Gomorrah, 1892 BC
It had been a hundred and twenty years since they'd started this project - four men working alone. Three hundred cubits long, fifty cubits wide and thirty cubits high, it had taken an entire forest of gopher wood to construct, but the ark of the Lord was finally complete, and Aziraphale was as tired as if he'd built it himself.
He'd assigned himself to watching over Noah and his family. As much as it pained him to ignore everyone else, he knew that they were all going to perish, and protecting Noah became more important than trying to save one or two of the least wicked of the others. (1) However, Aziraphale had his work cut out for him: Noah's efforts were, at best, laughed about and, at worst, sabotaged. Twice the angel had prevented the ark from being burned to the ground, and he'd stopped four attempted beatings and a murderous attack by unforgiving neighbors. The patriarch attributed it to the benevolence of the Lord, which was true enough in its way, but Aziraphale wondered if Noah knew how much the benevolence of the Lord was filtering through one very hard-working angel.
He was taking a break at the moment, sitting invisibly in the shade cast by the ark, watching as one of Noah's sons returned from a six-month visit to his wife's family so that she could see them for the last time. Smiling, he watched Noah embrace Japheth and his wife, Arathka, but there appeared to be someone else standing with them - a very pretty young woman. Her eyes were properly cast to the ground as Japheth introduced her to Noah, and Aziraphale tuned in to hear, "…my second wife, Adrea." The angel arched an ethereal eyebrow. Multiple wives weren't unheard of, certainly, but amongst God's chosen? And didn't Arathka look jealous? The much older woman was clearly fuming. Concerned that he now had to add domestic harmony to his roster of work, Aziraphale was ready to go over to get a better look at the girl when Ham started shouting and cursing. He'd apparently hit his hand with a hammer. Again. Forgetting all about Adrea, the angel moved quickly to see what could be done about Ham's swollen thumb.
***
The next day the animals began to arrive. Aziraphale was kept busy for weeks just trying to keep the predators from eating the prey, the runners from running, the flyers from flying, the smaller creatures from being stepped on, the larger ones from getting trapped, the insects from creeping them all out, and everyone from starving and/or panicking. (Mating was okay, at least, and seemed to be the only thing left to do.) He had never worked so hard, performed so many miracles, or been so tired, and he spared not a thought for a second son's second wife.
But fortunately, difficult things do eventually end, even for angels, and so did this task. Huge, thick, dark clouds were pouring into the sky just as Noah (and Aziraphale) got the last pair of animals on board, (2) and heaved a shared sigh of relief. Last to board were the humans: Shem and his wife Nahalath Mahnuk, Japeth with Arathka and Adrea, Ham and Zedkat Nabu, and finally, Noah and his wife Emzara. They had just sealed the great door when the first fat drops of rain began to fall.
And all the fountains of the great deep were broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened.
And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the high hills, that were under the whole heaven, were covered.
Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and the mountains were covered.
And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, (3) and every man:
All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died.
And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things (4), and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark.
***
They that were with him in the ark were definitely alive, but bored. It had been five days and five nights of constant pouring rain battering and echoing against the wooden sides of the ark, and the humans were already going a bit stir-crazy. Four of the women cooked and cleaned and bickered while the four men had nothing to do but talk. Noah had only taken enough food on board for the humans, trusting that God would feed the animals, so that task landed on Aziraphale as well. He was kept so busy miracling enough meat and grain and fruit to keep the creatures sedate and happy that he didn't realize anyone was missing until he happened to be passing through the living quarters on his way to the predators’ pens.
"And where is that idle wife of yours? Nahalath is tired of doing her share of the work."
"I'm sorry, brother, she is quite ill. She does nothing but lay on our sleeping mats writhing in pain."
Shem raised his eyebrows. "Brother, I must ask. Why did you jeopardize your marriage with Arathka and your relationship with God for the sake of a sickly girl? Yes, she is pretty, but the Lord has warned us to be on our guard when we perceive beauty and told us that marriage is most properly between one man and one woman." He said nothing about lust; it seemed rather obvious.
Japeth couldn't meet his eyes. "She is unique," was all he could say without lying.
"I'm sure she is," replied Shem harshly. "But be on your guard, brother. One woman is not worth the loss of the Kingdom of Heaven." And he turned sharply and left the room.
"No…" murmured Japeth sadly as he watched Shem go.
Puzzled by this exchange, Aziraphale remembered the young Adrea and resolved to visit her once he'd finished his work.
***
The angel found a free hour the next morning, and when Japeth was in the shared living area with his brothers and father, Aziraphale slipped into his room. Just as her husband had described, Adrea was curled up on her mat, barely breathing, muscles taut, eyes tightly shut, and sweating heavily as though in the midst of a high fever. But the angel didn't get a sense of sickness, just a sense of wrongness. What was going on here? Aziraphale sent a gentle encouragement to her to wake up, and her eyes slammed open and focused directly on him. Snake eyes.
The first person to actually see him in centuries, and it's a demon. That demon.
"Crawly…" he said warily, taking a step back towards the door.
"Fuck," she replied, closing her eyes. "Not you again. And it's Crowley. I told you."
Aziraphale took a hesitant step forward again. "You can't discorporate me this time. I don't have a body."
"Do I look like I'm in any condition to discorporate anyone?" she snapped. Then she coughed and looked up at him again as his mouth was opening to form a response. "No, don't answer that. It's a hypothetical question. Go on, put me out of my misery, then."
"What?"
"It's been, what, almost two thousand years, and you're still this fucking dense? Just banish me already, and try not to talk, would you? That counts as cruel and unusual punishment."
The angel hesitated. "I should… But it doesn't seem fair."
Crowley snorted. "Of course it's not fair. But you have the advantage. I'm helpless, you win, everyone's happy." She coughed again.
"How does that make you happy?" asked Aziraphale with a frown.
She responded by curling into a ball facing away from him. "Oh, hell, angel. Do it or go away. I can't… talking makes it worse."
Not appearing to have much choice, Aziraphale withdrew. He couldn't stop from thinking about it, though, as he tended the animals. And the more he thought, the more questions he had. He was going to have to talk to Crowley again.
***
The angel returned two days later, and the demon looked, if anything, worse. With a nearly inaudible sigh, Aziraphale knelt by her head, produced a wet cloth, and made to lay it on her fevered brow when a hand moving nearly faster than he could see came up and snatched his wrist. A golden eye opened and peered up at him. "Couldn't do it straight out?" she asked tiredly. "Had to sneak around?"
Aziraphale's eyes were wide. "No. I was just trying to help. You looked so uncomfortable."
"You have got to be the worst excuse for an angel that I have ever seen," she spat. "The enemy, who has infiltrated God's great plan and put the last eight human beings on the planet in jeopardy, is lying prostrate before you, and all you can think to do is take care of him. Her. Whatever the hell I am."
"My first duty is compassion," replied Aziraphale serenely, and for all his doubts and worries, that was one thing he truly believed.
The demon rolled her eyes, but let go of Aziraphale's hand.
Taking that as a sign of permission, the angel brought the cool, damp cloth down to dab at her forehead. She looked surprised, but then seemed to calm slightly.
"I didn't think demons could get ill."
"We can't."
"Then what's wrong?" he asked, turning the cloth to the cool side and running it along her high cheekbones.
"Honestly, do you have two brain cells to rub together? (5) It's been raining poison death for eight days."
"It's just water…"
"Holy water," she interrupted.
Stunned by the revelation - he hadn't really thought about it before - Aziraphale's mouth opened in a surprised "o". Crowley started to laugh at him, but her face fell and she began to arch off the mat in a spasm of pain. Not daring to use his holy powers on her for fear of making it worse, all Aziraphale could do was grab her arms and hold grimly on until the seizure took its course. Panting and exhausted afterward, she was clearly too worn to continue the conversation. Aziraphale would have to come back again. He left her dozing fitfully, a glass of ever cool, ever refilling, plain water by her bedside.
***
He pondered the issue as he made his rounds over the next few days: While producing bamboo for the pandas, he remembered the awful sneak attack and how angry and vicious Crowley had been in killing him; as he gave mangoes, guavas, and papayas to the smaller monkeys, he wondered if maybe the demon had been right to be so upset; while tossing steaks to the tigers, he thought about the consequences of failure - not to him, per se, but what would happen to Creation if he didn't interfere and Crowley did manage to destroy the ark project; but as he filled the bird feeders with seed, he realized that, more than anything, he was lonely. He hadn't spoken to anyone in centuries. It was true that the demon was abrasive and difficult, but in her condition she was no real threat to him. It couldn't hurt to continue taking care of her for now.
Having made his decision, Aziraphale finished feeding the multitudes of animals and, entirely grateful for the carte blanche on miracles that he currently had, cleared out the several tons of waste that had accumulated that day with a wave of his hand and headed towards Japeth's room.
He was waylaid again by conversation, this time between Shem's wife, Nahalath, and Japeth's first wife, Arathka.
"Sister, I am tired of doing extra work for your husband's other wife, while she lies around and does nothing," complained Nahalath. (6)
Arathka scowled. "I do not wish to see her. I shall do your work if you wish, but I pray you don't drag her into it. If she were to die during the voyage, I would not be sad."
Nahalath didn't look shocked at this sentiment, but Aziraphale certainly was; these were supposed to be the favoured ones.
"I have noticed," she began hesitantly, "that the food your husband sets aside for her each evening remains there the next morning."
"I am not giving it to her," replied Arathka proudly. "Whether she lives or dies is not for me to decide. I leave it up to God. He will save her if she deserves to be saved." She tossed her head.
Tightening her lips slightly, Nahalath said, "Then do her work as well and you will hear nothing else from me."
"Very will, sister," came the response, and they moved off together.
Aziraphale was horrified. They were testing ineffability. They would intentionally cause a girl's death; indeed if she'd been human, she probably would have been dead already, and for no other reason but petty jealousy. He really needed to talk to Crowley.
***
The demon was still in her bed when Aziraphale entered the room. She glanced up at him with sunken bright eyes, possessively clutching the glass of water he'd left before. Something in Aziraphale's chest tightened at the sight. Not wanting to frighten her, he sat just inside the door, as far from the mat as possible. "Hello, Crowley."
"What do you want?" she asked.
"I overheard a conversation between Nahalath and Arathka."
Crowley sneered. "That bitch."
"Is it true that she's not been bringing you food like she was supposed to?"
"Look around, angel. Do you see any food?"
Aziraphale didn't. Nor did he see any evidence that food had been there at all. He frowned. "You should probably eat something if you want to maintain any strength at all."
"You think?"
"Why haven't you created it for yourself?"
"Oh, for… do you ever bother to work things out for yourself? Not only am I pathetically weak, but I'm surrounded by blessed holiness. I can't do a damn thing.”
Without speaking, Aziraphale materialized a bowl of chicken broth within Crowley's reach.
"Show-off," she muttered, but took the bowl and drank it faster than was prudent, the liquid scalding her tongue.
When she'd finished, the angel asked, "So, how do you come to be married? Do you love your husband?" It wasn't what he'd been intending to say, but it was what he was most curious about. He didn't know if demons could feel love.
Crowley threw the empty bowl at Aziraphale, hitting him in the knee. "You expect me to be so grateful for the food that I'll tell you anything you want to know? Well, fuck you! How dare you ask me that, rapist? Did you love your 'wife'?"
Too late, Aziraphale realized his mistake. "Listen to me, Crowley, I was not the father of your friend's child."
"Liar," she spat fiercely, turning her face away a moment later when it appeared to dawn on her that he couldn't be.
The angel saw her hurt, angry expression and hoped that his explanation would help. "After you discorporated me that day, I returned to Heaven and started talking to people. It took me fifty years, but I finally got in to see Michael and told him what I thought had happened based on what you said. He investigated and found that hundreds of angels had sired children with human women. It was so common, the children even had a name. They were called the nephilim. The higher ranks had no idea…" He shook his head.
"I also did some investigations of my own. It seems that the angel you were looking for that day was named Hayyel." Aziraphale couldn't meet her eyes any longer and looked at the ground instead. "He, I'm sorry to say, didn't recall her specifically… and had already returned to Heaven by the time you set out. At any rate, Michael's ruling came shortly thereafter. From then on, any angel found to produce children was to Fall immediately. There have been no more nephilim since."
The demon looked like she didn't know how to react to that. Aziraphale could see the wariness in her eyes; watched the play of disbelief, anger, pain, and finally a terrible resignation cross her delicate features. It was the latter that broke his heart. How many times had she been resigned to the unspeakable?
"Seducing, abandoning, and killing an innocent human girl doesn't sound like a terribly angelic pastime to me," Crowley said in a low voice. "Sounds like my dear husband, although he wouldn't have the balls to finish the job."
For not the first time that day, Aziraphale was shocked. "How can you say that? Japeth is a righteous man!"
"Oh, yes. They're so very righteous, your men of God. Shem is proud and envious, Ham is a lazy glutton, Noah an angry drunk, and Japeth lustful and covetous. I think the best that can be said for them is that none of them have all of the deadly sins. They're only good by comparison."
"Then why on Earth did you marry him?" Aziraphale nearly wailed.
Livid colour momentarily returned to her wan, pale skin. "Because otherwise I'd be dead," she hissed. "You think I wanted it to turn out this way? Noah was going around telling everyone who'd listen about what was going to happen. No one else believed him, but I did. I know God can be that much of a bastard. I tried to get leave to go back down to Hell, and they wouldn't approve it. I even tried to get transferred down there, and Belial refused. He said I was to stay here no matter what. No one believed it, angel. Not a single demon apart from me thought that God would wipe out His entire creation and start again. That the world would be covered in blessed holy water. Do you have any idea how many demons died a couple of weeks ago?"
Her chest was heaving. "The only way to survive was to be on this ship. And the only way to get on this ship was to be married to one of Noah's sons. At least Belial granted me a gender switch, so after a couple of months in Hell - that were no picnic, let me assure you - I came back and went after Japeth. Shem was too proud and Ham too stupid to be seduced. It didn't take long to figure out that Japeth wouldn't be seduced either."
Aziraphale looked up from the rough wooden floor and in a flat, hopeless voice said, "Because he was too much in love with his wife?"
"Close, but no cigar," she sneered. (7) "He was too much in love with Ham's wife. Dear, sweet, little Zedkat Nabu was cheating on her idiot husband with his elder brother. When I found out, I told him that he'd marry me or I'd share the information with interested parties."
"Blackmail!"
"Yes, of course. The next day we were married in a legal ceremony, and I hope like hell I never have to go through that again. That jealous she-cat gave me a lovely welcome, too. Just for that, I kept him sedated for hours in my tent making all kinds of wild noises just to piss her off."
"Which might explain why she wants you to starve to death…" said Aziraphale, feeling drained. He didn't think anything could ever surprise him again.
"Yeah, well…" Crowley began, but the sudden movements and violent anger had been too much for her weak body. Her eyes rolled back into her head and she collapsed.
Aziraphale was on his feet in a second. Even from where he stood, he could feel the heat radiating from her body as she fought a virulent fever; cold compresses weren't going to help this time. Making his decision, the angel gathered Crowley’s far too light body in his arms and carried her to the deepest depths of the ark.
***
He watched her wake four days later, in a small place that he'd made very dark and very dry. She looked disoriented, her golden eyes reflecting what little light there was.
"'s dark," she slurred.
Aziraphale gave the room a gentle blue glow, just enough to see by.
"Angel?" asked Crowley confusedly after catching sight of her companion. "Where are we?"
"In the hold of the ark," he said with a sigh. It had been a difficult few days.
"And we're in the hold because…?"
The angel only materialized another bowl of broth. "Here, I insist you drink this."
Crowley took it but didn't drink. "Not until you tell me what's going on."
"You were going to die," he said quietly. "Too much humidity in those rooms near the surface. Too many windows. I brought you down here, and left a 'corpse' for the others to find. I'm very sorry to say that the only person who mourned you was Shem because he thought he ought to feel something upon your passing and felt more guilty that he didn't. Then they tossed you overboard, and you haven't been mentioned since."
Aziraphale was incredibly disappointed; he'd hoped for more from the chosen ones. It seemed Crowley had been right about them. But it was not up to him to question the ineffable plan.
"I was able to make some room for you down here. It's not much, but it's largely waterproof, and you should be all right."
Crowley blinked. "Why would you do such a thing? I'm the enemy. I broke your neck."
The angel looked miserable. "I don't know."
In truth, he suspected it was because Crowley had cared enough for a human being that he had been willing to kill for her. It also may have had something to do with the fact that she was the first being he'd talked to in decades, and he was lonely. But neither of those was appropriate to voice out loud, so he said nothing.
The demon drank her soup in silence. Only when she was done did she say, "So now what? I stay in here for another month?"
"Twenty-four days," said Aziraphale. "I think you'll be fairly well healed by then. But you've got to stay in here."
"I understand, angel. And you'll pop in every once in a while to check on me or something?"
Aziraphale blushed lightly. "If that's all right…"
She seemed to consider this. "Yeah, okay. Just, you know, knock first. I might be naked in here."
His blush deepened, and she grinned.
***
It turned out to be a lot longer than twenty-four days. That was only when it stopped raining. The waters prevailed upon the earth an hundred and fifty days after that, so it was nearly six months that Crowley and Aziraphale were nominally in each other's company. To Aziraphale's continued amazement, Crowley slept a great deal, healing and bored, while he continued to tend the animals. They generally only met for half an hour a day to share a simple meal.
The angel actually looked forward to these times. The frustrations of daily problems became more amusing in hindsight as he told them to someone else. And the demon laughed in all the right places. And all the wrong ones. She laughed at him a lot.
One particular day, however, he had news.
"Noah released the dove again yesterday, and it returned today with an olive branch in its beak."
"Then I can finally get off this bloody boat!" she replied.
Aziraphale was slightly hurt but tried to see things from her perspective. Six months with only an angel for company and surrounded by holy water can't have been pleasant for the demon. "I'll be glad to not have to watch over the animals any longer. Though there is a hamster I've grown rather fond of…"
Crowley rolled her eyes expressively. Then she started toying with her plate, looking like she was trying to make a decision. The angel watched, puzzled. "Something wrong?"
"No," she replied, too quickly. "So, uh, what's your name, anyway, angel?"
He blinked in surprise; that wasn't what he'd been expecting. "My name? Aziraphale."
Crowley snorted. "Foreigner of God? Nice. Was He running out of ideas?"
Feeling his face going stony, Aziraphale said, "Yes? What's your real name, then?"
She looked away and changed the subject.
***
They hit dry land the next day, and the angel had to run around preventing injuries and keeping everyone calm as they disembarked. With animals running every which way, he was hard pressed to think of anything else. When he finally went back below deck to see Crowley one more time, he found the room empty and the demon gone. She hadn't even said goodbye.
***
(1) Though he did make an attempt when he saw an opportunity and had the time. He was an angel, after all.
(2) Platypode, as it so happens. And yes, that's the correct plural form of platypus.
(3) Many people interpret the phrase "every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth" in this passage to mean things like insects and invertebrates, and it does, but it also includes demons, some hundreds of whom perished forever in the holy water of The Flood. After that, field agent wasn't exactly a coveted job Down Below, and they could only find one demon stupid enough to take it on. As it was then pointless to have hundreds of angelic field agents to counteract the deeds of only one demonic agent, all the devine agents were recalled as well, save the one idiot who actually chose to stay down there rather than return to Heaven.
(4) Demons again.
(5) Translator's Note: Humans at this point had no idea that thoughts stemmed from their brains. They believed the heart was the logical place for such things to originate, and blood the method of carrying the thoughts around the body. Also, the concept of cells wouldn't come about for another four thousand years or so. Therefore, in the language they were speaking, she couldn't really have said this phrase at all. What Crowley actually said was more like, "Tell me the truth, do you even have two drops of blood to meet?"
(6) At the time and until very near the present day, sisters-in-law were referred to simply as sisters.
(7) Translator's Note: Literally, “The cow was mounted, but no calf.”
Continue on to Chapter 4 - Sodom and Gomorrah, 1892 BC