(no subject)
Good news and bad news in one: I think I understand a little better why I'm having so much trouble just freaking finishing this semester/doing any of my work. I've finally clued in to the fact that I'm incredibly, incredibly anxious. I've mostly been placid and more or less happy, which is part of why it's been taking me so long to figure this out, I think, but right now every attempt I make to move in a productive direction is met with a giant wall of details and questions that overwhelms my defenses and makes me run away and hide. And man have I been running away and hiding. A good example of my thought process right now: a while ago I wanted to take a picture of the cats, but I realized the disposable camera may still be in Holly's room, so I'd need to throw a shirt on, and when I didn't see a nightgown on the floor it seemed logical to get dressed, and so I went to the closet and looked at things, and I didn't just want to wear jeans again as I have for several days, and long story short I ended up sitting down again, still in my underwear, never having managed to resolve any of it. I'm freaking out over every little thing, and it's getting worse, and the really, really sad thing is that with the level of things I've needed to do, this should have been really, really not-challenging. The assignments I need to do are simple. They are easy. Most of them are currently late; the deadline-ness has had no noticeable effect on my brain. Why can't I be normal for just a little while? God knows my semester's been fucked-up enough as it is, why can't I just put myself through two days of hard work to get through this? The thing is? I LIKE hard work. Frankly, I love the feeling of having worked your ass off, gotten a shit-ton of things done and relaxing afterwards. I also know that every time I get one of these things out of the way, I ought to be happier and everything.
In 4 hours of trying today I've written a 1.5 page double-spaced concert report from notes. I've transcribed preliminary notes for the second, but everytime I alt-tab to it, my brain is flooded with the intricacies of "how do I begin it, how do I structure it, how do I incorporate the facts of my having worked on this production, what am I going to talk about, which things am I going to include, should I do the Acting paper on this next? is Julie going to accept the late Acting papers? how am I going to get to campus to print them and deliver them and when? Do you suppose she's already submitted my final grade? When will be too late for me to get these in? Why doesn't my printer work? How do I respond to the e-mail from Julie about the fact that my grade for the one-hour production class (which they asked me to leave for commitment/time/fucking up other classes reasons) is going in as an F because I didn't finish the drop petition in time and now it's going to be retroactive? Why didn't Dr. Edgerly's voice or tone reflect the fact that I've heard they're much more strict with retroactives so I might not get it and end up with four hours of failure on my record instead of a drop? Is he still going to go to bat for me the way he seemed like he was? Is he convinced it'll still be a good case? Why do I fuck everything up so badly?"
And on, and on. Meanwhile, I can't figure out what a good way to phrase the first sentence would be.
So I alt-tab away again.
edit: also, Weds' "terror" userpic is my everything right now.
And preemptive: if you read this and look down on me more than you already did, I don't want to hear about it.
edit again. cutting for length. Also, to add: Yes, I am depressed (again? still?). I'm fairly certain if I had gone in and asked for a complete withdrawal from this semester for psychological reasons I could probably have had one in a heartbeat. But it has been made clear to me that there is no more time for me to finish school. I just have to get through it, as much and as well as I can, and if that ends up meaning I drop my second major when a full load would let me finish both? That could happen. etc.
Also, funny how I could've discussed all of this with my psychiatric person, if they hadn't been 40 minutes late calling me for my appointment on Monday so that I pretty much didn't have time for the appointment before I had to be somewhere an hour and fifteen minutes after the original appointment time, so we had to reschedule. For after Christmas. because that's the first slot that was open.
In 4 hours of trying today I've written a 1.5 page double-spaced concert report from notes. I've transcribed preliminary notes for the second, but everytime I alt-tab to it, my brain is flooded with the intricacies of "how do I begin it, how do I structure it, how do I incorporate the facts of my having worked on this production, what am I going to talk about, which things am I going to include, should I do the Acting paper on this next? is Julie going to accept the late Acting papers? how am I going to get to campus to print them and deliver them and when? Do you suppose she's already submitted my final grade? When will be too late for me to get these in? Why doesn't my printer work? How do I respond to the e-mail from Julie about the fact that my grade for the one-hour production class (which they asked me to leave for commitment/time/fucking up other classes reasons) is going in as an F because I didn't finish the drop petition in time and now it's going to be retroactive? Why didn't Dr. Edgerly's voice or tone reflect the fact that I've heard they're much more strict with retroactives so I might not get it and end up with four hours of failure on my record instead of a drop? Is he still going to go to bat for me the way he seemed like he was? Is he convinced it'll still be a good case? Why do I fuck everything up so badly?"
And on, and on. Meanwhile, I can't figure out what a good way to phrase the first sentence would be.
So I alt-tab away again.
edit: also, Weds' "terror" userpic is my everything right now.
And preemptive: if you read this and look down on me more than you already did, I don't want to hear about it.
edit again. cutting for length. Also, to add: Yes, I am depressed (again? still?). I'm fairly certain if I had gone in and asked for a complete withdrawal from this semester for psychological reasons I could probably have had one in a heartbeat. But it has been made clear to me that there is no more time for me to finish school. I just have to get through it, as much and as well as I can, and if that ends up meaning I drop my second major when a full load would let me finish both? That could happen. etc.
Also, funny how I could've discussed all of this with my psychiatric person, if they hadn't been 40 minutes late calling me for my appointment on Monday so that I pretty much didn't have time for the appointment before I had to be somewhere an hour and fifteen minutes after the original appointment time, so we had to reschedule. For after Christmas. because that's the first slot that was open.