For righteous_bro
It hurt, that realization that this was his fault and that he couldn't fix it. Looking at Sam on the bed, that knowledge that this wasn't something he could touch and make better made him feel helpless, powerless. He was still coming to terms with his memories, with everything he'd done, how he'd hurt the only people that had trusted him, that
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It was the Winchester Way, wasn't it, giving too much? With Dean, Sam and Bobby to learn from, was it any wonder that Castiel had picked up similar behaviors? He forced himself to sit up, and it took effort. His body felt heavy. He'd been through this before, at the end of the Apocalypse, in the weeks before they'd faced Lucifer. But, this was different. This wasn't just cut off from Heaven, this wasn't having pissed off an archangel, his Grace was gone. He sighed quietly, not meeting Dean's eyes at the quuestion.
"I used my Grace to fix his soul, pull out the corruption."
He sounded tired, which was more than strange. He swallowed, not exactly in a rush to admit to Dean that he didn't have his powers anymore, that he likely wouldn't ever again. It had been temporary last time, and Dean had called him a baby in a trenchcoat, made no secret of how useless he thought h was like this. He couldn't help wondering if he might leave him behind. He frowned, finally letting his blues dart up to Dean's green eyes.
"I am just glad that it worked."
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"Easy. It looks like that took a lot out of you, Cas."
He kept his hand on Cas' back long after he needed the support. Dean wanted to stay close in case Cas needed the extra help, but he also just needed the reminder that Cas was really there. Something was off. He didn't know what it was, but he could tell it was something.
"Thanks, Cas. I don't know how much longer he was going to be able to hold on. You saved him. If I hadn't found you..."
If he hadn't found Cas, he'd probably be completely alone right now. No Sam, no Cas, no Bobby... he wasn't sure he could have held on like that.
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Honestly, he wished that there was more that he could do. He didn't want to leave the Leviathans on their shoulders, but he wasn't sure that there was really anything else that he could do for the Winchesters. He liked the warm pressure of Dean's hand against his back, that certainty it gave him of Dean's presence, that tingly feeling that hummed in his skin under the fabric.
"I just wish there was more that I could do to fix this. It should not be your responsibility."
He frowned, guilt glinting in his eyes as he faced the hunter. He had the sudden urge to ask Dean if the hospital had cheeseburgers, he was starving, and that old craving was suddenly there. His stomach made an awkwardly human noisy grumble of protest, which Castiel tried to ignore.
"I am sorry, Dean."
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"Stop. Don't--don't apologize, Cas. I know. You fucked up and you tried to fix it and I know, okay? And I just... has your stomach ever done that before? Because I don't remember that, even when Famine made you binge."
Because, seriously, Cas has been practically human before, but Dean can't remember his stomach ever doing that.
"And don't worry about being my responsibility or whatever. I was yours for long enough that I can return the favor for a little while. That's what family does, okay? We look out for each other."
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He resolved, quietly, that he'd do his best to help them, to still look over the Winchesters. There had to be something he could do to still be useful, to help them, to try and fix the mess that he'd made. His stomach grumbled again, and Castiel shifted, looking a little awkward as he looked at Dean with an intent gaze.
"Dean, I would really like a cheeseburger. Do you think they might have some here at the hospital?"
He couldn't quite help asking, and he was also unaware of the bias against hospital food that had people with heart conditions sneaking out under cover of night for a burger and fries. It was shades of Famine, but this had nothing to do with the long-gone-horseman, and was simply a reflection of the fact that as an angel Castiel hadn't needed to eat. With everything else, it wasn't something he'd seen much rreason to indulge in; he'd had a war to fight.
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"No, I really doubt it, but there's a diner a few minutes out I can take you to. Sam's buried in paperwork and he might have to stay a few extra days to prove that he's not crazy."
He stood, holding his arm out for Cas. The dude fainted and Dean wasn't take any chances of him doing it again without someone there to catch him. Last thing they needed was a tired-out angel with a concussion.
"We can leave whenever you're ready. I could use something to eat, too. Burgers and pie sounds great to me."
He tried to ignore the question of why Cas wanted food. He couldn't deal with too much right now. He just had to focus on taking care of Cas and Sam. Whatever either of them needed, Dean would get, and Sam could mostly look after himself now, so that left Dean focusing on Cas.
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He caught Dean's outstretched hand in both of his, looking up at the hunter intent and serious. He needed to tell him. As embarassing as it was, as half-scared as he was that the hunter might dub him useless, all of this had happened because he'd hidden things from Dean.
"Dean, I need to tell you something."
He took a deep breath, shifted a little, held tighter to Dean's hand as he looked up at the hunter, a little bit awkward and a little bit distressed. Eyelashes lowering over those blue eyes, watching Dean's greens.
"I'm.. not an angel anymore. Fixing Sam.. it wasn't easy to fix the sort of damage Lucifer and Michael caused. My Grace is gone."
He looked up at Dean. It wasn't something that Castiel really wanted to burden him with, but with their luck, they'd run across a demon and the hunter would expect him to be able to just burn them away. And then Dean would get upset with him for not telling him sooner. Castiel might not be a quick study, but he did eventually catch on.
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He wrapped his other arm around Cas as he spoke, pulling him closer.
"Cas, you... you gave that up? For Sam?"
Dean couldn't believe it--not that he thought Cas wouldn't, just that he couldn't believe it was happening. Cas was... well, he was Cas. He was an angel of the Lord and he came back from death for them over and over. Hell, he'd died for them more than once. Of course he would do something like this.
"Did you know that that would happen?"
He tightened his hold on Cas. Last time Cas had been human-ish, the world had been about to end. Now they sort of had time to... well, to think about it. All Dean could feel was guilt. After everything Cas had given, Dean just always asked for more. This had been Cas' fault, yeah, but not the other stuff. That stuff had been Dean's fault.
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"Yes."
There hadn't been any question to it. He'd been the one that had broken Sam's wall; he had to fix it. Dying in the process had been an acceptable outcome, if it could fix at least part of the things he'd done wrong, the casualties to his pride. He'd turned on his own friends, and while he remembered it, now, in hindsight it seemed so unforgivable that he'd ever thought it would be worth it.
"..I did not expect to live through the process."
Castiel admitted quietly as Dean asked if he'd known. He'd been all too willing to throw himself onto the Winchester bandwagon of making world-ending mistakes and dying for the people he cared about. It wouldn't even have been the first time that he'd died for them. He'd been okay with things ending like that, but maybe that had been selfishness as well.
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"You... you didn't expect--fuck you, Cas! You said you'd be fine!"
He was not calm and he lost track of what he was doing, hand tightening in Cas', probably painful.
"You, what? You thought I wanted to trade you for my brother? Like you're some kind of coupon I trade in? There had to be better ways than that. I can't believe you thought that I would be okay with that, Cas!"
He was shaking, having a hard time keeping his breath in check. He already felt guilty that Cas wasn't an angel anymore, but if he'd... if Dean had let him die, he never would have been able to live with himself.
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"I just wanted to fix what I'd caused. Sam didn't have very much longer. I couldn't have lived with his death, Dean. And neither could you."
He paused, looking up at him with blue eyes, sad and apologetic. He didn't like making Dean upset, especially now, especially when his body felt strange, and he was tired and hungry, and there was a part of him that just kind of wanted to hold onto the hunter and catch his breath, try and let this all sink in. Millennia of existence and now unbearably human.
"I am sorry, Dean. I'm.. glad that I did not perish."
He pause, swallowed, shifting a little strangely as he frowned, gaze dropping to where their hands were still twined together. He liked touching Dean but this was less than pleasant.
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He loosened his hand and pulled Cas closer.
"But you're not allowed to lie to me like that ever again. You don't tell me that you're gonna be fine when you're leaving on a suicide mission. That's not okay. Not at all. You shouldn't lie in general, but especially not that."
The idea that he could lose Cas, fucking again, terrified him. That Cas could just do that and not even let Dean say goodbye... he's lost too much. Hell, he's lost Cas too many times. Lying is how they got into this mess in the first place, too. Cas needed to stop lying if Dean was going to learn to trust him again.
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He leaned in too close, his blue eyes looking into the hunter's greens, and he nodded solemnly. There were excuses, lines about how telling him wouldn't have been fair, would have had to face Dean trying to stop him after everything he'd done... But, if Cas had learned something, it was that there were always excuses. He leaned in until their noses were almost touching, looking at Dean, unable to see his soul now, but he was still beautiful. The intensity of his eyes, the worry carved almost perennially into his face.
"I promise, Dean."
His stomach grumbled again, and Cas shifted to a distance that was at least slightly less invasive. He still felt awkward about having a body with needs, that needed food and sleep and all the other forms of sustenance of the human experience.
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"Let's get you some food, then."
His voice sounded too loud in the bright, white room.
Right, if Cas was human now, then he was going to need a lot of things... food, clothes, toiletries. There was a lot Dean would need to teach him. He'd been living as a human for a little while, but there was no telling how good he was at it, especially since he hadn't actually needed any of the normal stuff. He'd just take it all one step at a time. What else could he do?
"We'll get you food and then we'll take it from there."
He tried to lead Cas out of the room so they could leave the hospital. He'd catch up with Sam later.
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Castiel questioned hopefully when the prospect of going to get food was back on the table. Truthfully, the idea of kissing Dean had briefly entered his mind, but he wasn't sure how that would go -- his grumbling stomach had just sealed that now was not the time. He'd only just gotten Dean back, he didn't want to lose him. He'd given so much for his Righteous Man, now that he was human... Well. He just wanted to stay with him.
And eat pie and cheeseburgers. But mostly he just wanted to stay with Dean.
He was more than willing to let Dean tug him out of Sam's hospital room, one of the orderlies briskly informing them that visiting hours were at eleven tomorrow on their way out. Cas leaned into Dean as they walked, though it was honestly more for the proximity than it was for the support. Being human didn't seem to be improving his understanding of personal space.
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Cheeseburgers and pie. He could do that. Feed Cas, give him some clothes and a bed to sleep in. They could deal with tomorrow when it came.
He opened the passenger door for Cas and helped him into the car before going around to the driver's side.
"You can borrow some of my clothes until we get you your own."
He didn't mention that Cas had been married. That he'd started to build a life. He knew Cas couldn't go back even if he wanted to. It wasn't safe. If Cas didn't bring it up, he wasn't going to.
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